Footnote from Head Scribe of the House of SWS, Crayoleous Maximus Vermillion: I know you’re gonna be fascinated by this epic tale…it still gets me every time. I also know you’re gonna look at this and go hey! That’s not spelled like that or that comma’s out of place! But hey look, SWS is a demanding God and pretty full of hot air(looking around as he says this). So there’s a lot for me to do…I have a pretty good assistant, Fontus Romanius Timeus, but…he’s a little fast on the old hammer chisel and marble…so we go through a lot of tablets as you can probably imagine. He’s getting better…trust me. He’s down to hitting his fingers only 40-50 times a day now, and the doc says he thinks he knows a potion that can straighten his thumbs and make them opposable again…he thinks. Oh and don’t ask about the mallet mark on his forehead…that was a reeeeally bad day. So bear with us…it’s umm a uhh…WORK IN PROGRESS!!! Yeah, that’s the ticket! And the errors? They’re meant to be there…it’s Uhh…INTERACTIVE!!! Yeah! That’s the ticket!!! A grammatical where’s Waldo if you will! Enjoy dear reader, and bear with us…Oh..I hear SWS Calling…looks like it’s STOP…HAMMER TIME! Duh duh duh duh duh…
<Music from Gladiator…you know it…> Fade into smoke, stench of un-bathed bodies…urine, ale and Gods know what else on the floor. Here we find Atalantia, face down on the bar…hair soaking in a pool of spilled mead, dripping onto the floor where her faithful bipolar bear Nibbler is lapping it up greedily. Hey!!! I told you NO PETS IN THE TAVERN!!! Atalantia stirs but doesn’t open her eyes…”YOU tell him…” she mumbles, belches and falls back asleep. The bartender looks at the bear lapping, sees the fangs and thinks better of it. “If he Sh%&#s…you clean it up” he mutters…”Snxxxzzz…says Atalantia.
She is only granted a few more moments of peace when she is rudely bumped out of lala land by this hulking bohunk of an adventurer…was he really? Probably not, but you know how much better people look after several pints, and Atalantia DEFINITELY had her goggles on that night!
” I’m Olav Asveinn “ Olav Asveinn is a coprighted character of Morrigan Dahlia. No reproduction, interaction or usage is approved without express divine consent of his God/Goddess
“pleased to meet you…?” The adventurer spoke in a deep husky voice as he proffered his hand. Coincidently he too had a bipolar bear by his side.
“Ass Vain?” Atalantia spat as she stumbled to unsteady feet. “By Jupiters C##K! You either have a bad case of hemorrhoids or think rather highly of your posterior! Oooops…did I say that out loud!”
“Nice … uhh…you, you have a name, right?” Olav persisted, hand still proffered.
“Atalantia…you can call me Atalantia” she grins “I just got back from the 177th milestone and am in the middle of unloading some coin…care to join me?”
“Sure” Olav answered, plopping down on the stool beside her… Nibbler growled at the new bipolar buddy and moved over to share…”That’s uncommon” Olav replied ” He’s a good guy my Nibbler…just mind your manners and he won’t have to be a BAD GUY”. “No problem” Olav smirked.
“So what’s your story? I mean, I’d use the tried and true…do you come here often, but…obviously you do.”
“We all do don’t we?” Atalantia chuckled, hoping she wasn’t giving away her newfound attraction forming for this guy…maybe, if she played her cards right, she’d have a nice roll in the hay and Mr. Ass Vane or vein or whatever…would get “rolled” afterwards…I mean, a lady can ALWAYS use a little extra gold cant she?
< Booming voice > ” PLAY NICE!!! ” Gods voices…again…
“Yes daddy, I’ll play nice” Sighed Atalantia. “My story? Stop me if you’ve hear this one…a preacher, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of Joke?”
Olav, looking perplexed says ” I don’t get it”
“They never do” She rolls her eyes and begins…”normally I wouldn’t be talking to you…my God, SWS, says I’m not supposed to talk to strangers. Especially after winding up on the floor of that Los Demonos YMCA…I still can smell the sweat and steam in my nose…and that song…ughh…Y…M…C…AAAaaa…” at least I got to keep the cowboy outfit…but that is another story for another day!”
” Are you quite through babbling yet ma’am ” Olav grunted impetuously
“Well…err..I..uh…yes.” Atalantia replied, blushing to her roots.
“Good” Olav boomed “because, I have a proposition for you”
” Whoa Whoa Whoooaaaa…there buddy…I’m not into scruffy nerf-herders…well, maybe with the right FORCE applied….” Atalantia smirked.
” Hold your trojan horses, bio wolves or whatever else is pulling your wagon lady…it’s not that kind of deal! Just listen.” Olav replied ” I can tell by the way you move you’re feet your a womans man, no time to talk…sorry. Err you wander from guild to guild, hanging out for a few weeks and then skulk out in the middle of the night. Probably in a drunken stupor, waking up in some new guild and wondering “where the heck are my flamingoes?”
Atalantia nods in wonderous agreement
Olav continues ” There’s a place… “
“Called tomorrow? A place of Joy, not of sorrow?” Atalantia interrupts.
” Hush! ” Olav replies “Just listen…it’s a guild…where everybody knows your naaaame…and they’re always glad you caaaame! ” Guild Name
” What’s that name again? “Atalantia states, obviously confused
“Guild Name, Guild Name, Guild Name(It’s only a model…SHHH!)” says Olav.
” Right…That’s what I want to knooooow! THEEEEAAAH NAAAAAMEUHHH OFUHHHH THEUUUGHHH GUIIIILDUHHHH!” Atalantia mimes in obvious sarcasm
Olav points out the door and across the street to a building with gleaming freshly painted crest “GUILD NAME” (Conveniently located by a tavern near you)
” Oh…Got it ” Atalantia replies sheepishly (Fade out to hide her obvious embarassment)
Narrator behind the scenes: ” So it came to pass…Atalantia was accepted into “Guild Name” guild.
She made many new friends who were more than happy to help her train and spar, to give her directions to the arena, to refer her many times back to some tome called a wiki…when she asked questions “I hate reading!” She cried petulantly. In time she grew to be a follower of “Guild Name” when…”
Someone in the crowd: ” HEY!!! Are we going to move on to the good stuff anytime SOON?”
Narrator: Ahem…”FINE”.
Atalantia paused at the gates of “Guild Name” looking down the dusty road, at the first of many milestones she would traverse, and you know what they say… The journey of a thousand furlongs begins wi…
Another annoying person in the crowd: “Today Charlie, Today…as in…I haven’t got all day…?”
Narrator: “FINE!!! Our Heroine’s story begins…”
Before being discovered, Atalantia’s meager life consisted of being a groupie to that travelling minstrel group the “Rolling Scones”. She loved those bards, especially their scent of elderberries and hamster…She was content to follow them, village to village, pub to tavern, til her own muffin top formed and she could join the scones! She had just lost count of how many mugs of rum she was on, when the room lurched to the left…bottles crashing to the floor. Looking at the puddle of alcohol, Atalantia laments ” Why does it always have to be the rum… ” as she stumbles through the door and into the street. Slipping in the mud, the blood and the beer.
The night was cold, dark and rainy (Aren’t they always?)with lightning splitting the sky. Atalantia stumbling out in the storm and looking up to the heavens and cries “Is this it? Is this all there is? Is there not more to life? God? Gods? ANSWER ME!!!” She slurred…and Lo…she was answered.
SWS looked down on her, his soon to be heroine…”She’ll do” “Go forth in my name! I am in need of a shrubbery (one that looks nice)” To which she promptly fell face down in the mud.
Months later (11 to be exact) Our seasoned heroine has traversed miles through the wind, rain, sleet and snow…nothing could stay the sword of this adventurer…from the BAR!!! We find her at her usual perch in the Los Demonos tavern…
“Innkeeper! Another pint!” She cried. The man looks up from cleaning a tankard and simply points at the sign. ” No credit so don’t even ask! ” Reaching into her purse she finds, not the recently lifted from monster corpses gold…but a brick…a GOLD BRICK! ” I don’t take those ” The Inkeeper sneered.
” Great ” she sighs…and parting her ample bottom from the stool( That could be gross in another context) she heads out to yet another quest…for whatever SWS wants…she was still ticked over the LAST 3000 coins and the 3000 before that… she had earmarked for a REALLY nice bender…that somehow was transformed into bricks…BRICKS!!! For what? HIS Temple!!!...” Can’t drink a temple…” She mumbles.
Narrator: Those quests SWS proferred her, varied in number but more or less the same…kill beastie, get its gold…run from beastie if not able to kill said beastie…You know them, We’ve all been out there beyond the 143’rd milestone…haven’t we? Then looking ahead, looking back…bandaged all to hell with only 32 hit points and wondering ” I left the bar for this” ” Should I plod on to glory my Liege? Or slink back to that seat of mine at that wonderful little bar in Los Demonos…they have the nicest MLT sandwiches, where the mutton is nice and lean…
” Ahem…” My Lord, My Lord? Are you there?” “Helllooooo? ” Atalantia knocking on the Godly Lens
Onward and onward she quested, against the hordes…and there were many. Until one dark day, fighting the vicious Hot Dog…she felled the terrible foe, only to have it collapse and fall(Slow motion if you please) onto…NIBBLER! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! She cried…but it was done (Ok..normal speed please) Whomph…and just like that. Nibbler was gone. Neck broken. Check Please! “Just when things were looking up for him” Atalantia sobbed…”Now…NOW WHAT?” “Will you resurrect him Lord?” (Divine Whispering) “HOW MUCH GOLD??? Are your freaking CRAZY???” Ahem…” I did always think he’d make a nice throw rug at the tavern…he’d like that” All that free mead spilled on him…
Narrator:”Alas…It’s a hard knock life (for us!) for our little heroes and heroine. Day in day out, slaving away for the entertainment of the Gods. All they can do; all SHE can do is put one foot in front of the other…And soon you’ll be walkin out the door! Ahem…”
“Sorry…”
“All this struggle for a gold brick…for a goldbrick God.” pined Atalantia
SWS “I heard that!“
Atalantia looks up in weariness and proclaims “Are you not entertained?” Spits and throws her sword. I give her a hearty thumbs up. “Yes Atalantia, I am. Good job, well done faithful servant. Get some rest…I’ll most likely kill you in the morning” “What’s that?” she cried “Nothing” Ahem.” now get back to work!“
(Cue in music) “You know there ain’t no rest for the wicked…Money don’t grow on trees. I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed. Ain’t nothin in this world for free. You know I can’t slow down, I can’t hold back, though you know I wish I could. You know there ain’t no rest for the wicked…til we close our eyes for good” Fade to black…and cut!