One day, little BubbleBee woke up, looked up and the sky, and acknowledged that it was indeed a good day to be born. Since he did not have any other days to compare it with, one should take his decision with a requisite grain of salt. Of course, as it turns out, BubbleBee was right, and that particular day was the best day he had since. Or maybe it was the day before that, but that would be a little too philosophical.
Several days later, BubbleBee’s god decided that the name BubbleBee simply won’t do. Bees might be cool, the god thought, but bubbles are neither here nor there and most certainly a little fruity. Neither would the god’s name, but frankly no one remembers what that name was, and the god does not care to repeat it. So the Great-Cheese-in-the-Sky Xzzwxs re-Xzzwxsed BubbleBee to Post-it. A glorious day that was indeed, tho certainly not quite on par with the day he was born. —from the Book of Dave (Godville Independent Press: 1st Year of Xzzwxs). .
To be transported to the magical and sacred world of Wiki, and read the introductory remarks uttered at conferences before Xzzwxs talks, click on his name.
%%% From the diary of his 296th travel outside of the city limits
Today was not a good day. Not at all. I have hoped the unpleasantness was behind me, but it turns out that there are spies everywhere. Either that or this silly bear that’s been hanging around me for the past week or so has been talking to the press.
I made my way to Godville, and as I usually do, I picked up a newspaper to look for free beer coupons. (also, they come in handy in the woods, if you get my drift. and if you don’t, don’t stay downwind of me in the woods, or you will). So anyway, I picked up a newspaper, and there I was! picture splattered all over page 6, holding hands with that rascal Autophobic Recluse. it must have been right before everything went south – including my self respect. What am I saying, I never had any of that.
Now, Ben (the Autophobic Recluse) was always a little shy. I had ran into him coming out of Mosterburg, and after an epic fight that ended with me crying for mercy and him debating the advantages of dispelling in a cloud of smoke versus throwing himself in a volcano, we both decided to exchange emails and stay in touch. Turns out we both went to the same daycare, and we were both held back twice from the special class. We met several times afterwards, for beers and stories, and, well, mostly to complain about our gods – always with mysterious ways, as if they could not simply, and clearly enunciate their wishes.
And then it happened. He asked me to pay for the beer! The bastard! I could not believe it. I thought he was my friend. I mean, OK, he’s a monster, but to pull a fast one on me like that?! “I forgot my coin purse…” Monster, please. Of course, I did what any other friend would do in that situation… I went to the bathroom and snicked out via the loo. Dry cleaning my armor cost me 2572 gold coins, but it was worth it. I’m not paying for his beer!
%%% From the diary of his 4th imaginary sparring match
I love sparring matches. Much better then duels. First, you get to sit down, open a tasty beverage, and just imagine a fight. You don’t lose your pants in the process (once I lost my Censored Bar in a duel. Then, on top of that, I got a ticket for indecent exposure from a traveling Santa Claws. Rather expensive that; also, rather cold.)
Just had an epic “fight” with King Spade. Apparently, imagining “I hit him for 100% of his health” does not work. So we actually went through the motions. 37 of them. By the end of it, I was so tired imagining, I had to take a nap. Woke up to an Anaphylactic Shark preparing to bite my head off. Blinded it with the bright idea of screaming like a little girl and running away arms flailing.
%%% From the diary of his 215th travel outside the city limits
I was walking by milestone 132, when I stumbled on something hard. I was almost certain it was going to be a chest of gold – that’s what I usually find when I stumble on something. OK, sometimes it is a dead hero with some silly message tattooed on their forehead, but most often is a chest of gold. Not this time. This time I found my old travel log. I did not even know I lost it, but then again, I had not written anything in it, and that should have probably been my first clue.
Felix the Firefox is still with me. I don’t understand why. Not like we do much other then walk and fight. At least I have my beer, but most often bartenders won’t let him inside, and he’s no longer small enough to sneak in under my hat. I tried to put a coat and hat on him and pass him as one of the long lost hairy dwarves of Dogville, but he started chewing on the waitress’ leg as soon as we got in and then climbed on top of the bar, peed on a barfly (an actual (insect) fly which was quite a sight to see), then stole a wheel of cheese and ran out. Turns out this is what the dwarves of Dogville do all the time, but it was embarrassing for me nevertheless. Anyhow, we can never go back.
%%% From the diary of his 133rd travel outside the city limits
I woke up to realize that I am responsible for another soul. Little silver fox was following me around for a while now. How long, I don’t know, but she no longer seems a pup. Good for me.
I have been bored for a while. Even tried the arena a couple of times. I suck at it. I mean many suck at fighting, but I do it with such skill that I sometimes wonder how I ever thought being a hero would be the right career choice.
%%% From the diary of his 112nd travel outside the city limits
I’ve carried Boo’s increasingly decomposing body with me for a few days now, and I am starting to believe I’ll never be able to save enough gold for the sacrifice necessary to resurrect him. I tried praying, but the priests simple refused to perform any miracles without a equally miraculous amount of gold coins. Oh, almighty Xzzwxs, why have you made beer so tasty and women so inviting?
I’ve decided to leave Boo here for a little while. I’m sure to remember this milestone, after all I’ve passed by hundreds of times. And I’m sure he won’t go anywhere. I’ll add some leaves on top to keep him warm… Yeah, he’ll be comfortable here. And I’m definitively coming back… yeah… definitively.
%%% From the diary of his 109th travel outside the city limits
Boo died. Who would have thought that sitting around doing nothing may be dangerous to your health. Just bad luck, I guess. I was about to slay the dragon, save the princess, kiss the maid, and run away with the donkey… well, slay the dragon anyway. Boo finally woke up, mumbled something about inconsiderate fighting while people still sleep, then rolled over on the other side. Guess I should have made camp away from the edge of the cliff, but you never think of those things until someone stumbles over while trying to pee.
%%% From the diary of his stay in town following the completion of his 102nd travel
I must have blown 10000 gold coins over the past few days, and I got nothing to show except some very fuzzy memories of some very… hm… ok, VERY fuzzy memories.
%%% From the diary of his 102nd travel outside the city limits
I need to stop being an ass. I died today. Again! Boo dragged my body all the way to town. Given the state of my equipment and the layers of dirt on my face, I am willing to bet that it was quite a long way. I wish he would let me ride him on a regular basis, but he looks frail enough to collapse at my first attempt. It’s also rather annoying that I woke up and all my gold was gone. Boo smiled and licked my face, but I bet the little stinker took at least half the money for himself. He refused to explain where he got the new chew toy. Sure, it looked like a half-eaten bullfrog, but where was he going to get a bullfrog anyway?
%%% From the diary of his (aborted) 102nd travel outside of town
I don’t understand why every time I want to find new friends, the voices in my head tell me to abandon my quest. It’s as if the Big Cheese in the Sky somehow decided that I have to stick with one group for the rest of my life. There are some advantages having friends, but if this average looking group can heal my wounds and gift me great things, imagine what a real guild might be able to do.
%%% From the diary of his 101st travel outside the city limits
I am starting to fear abandonment. I have not received direction nor encouragement for most of this travel, and I find that I’m having difficulty concentrating. I have a splitting headache, which does quite a number on my personality. I don’t really feel like always being good, always helping old ladies across the street, or giving homeless people an extra coin. As a matter of fact, yesterday, I dropped a plastic bottle in the garbage rather than the recycling bin. Today I may throw a wrapper on the ground. Take that Mighty One!
%%% (More) From the diary of his 96th travel outside the city limits
Since the first attempt at annoying my god worked very well, I decided to continue the trend. I can safely report that nothing annoys gods more than buying the same equipment you already have for insane amounts of money or, better yet, something worse. Spending thousands in the bar comes close, but not close enough for my liking.
%%% From the diary of his 96th travel outside the city limits
Decided to greatly annoy my god by refusing to perform any of his requests. While I did not find any unexpected gold bricks in my bag, and I did become a little bit of a televangelist. I was highly successful at both: I spread the message of my guild, and greatly annoyed my god. So… Win!
%%% From the diary of his 78th travel outside the city limits
Picked up the Godville Times today (No. 303 of day 539 g.e.) and found my face spattered all over Page 6. Thank Xzzwxs I had my clothes on… Well most of them. First I was afraid my past caught up with me. You don’t want to know what I had to do to find that falling star… Or that time I had to teach an elephant to forget. Turns out it wasn’t that at all, and that all that self promotion paid off. Now I sit back and collect on my new fame.
%%% From the diary of his 76th travel outside the city limits
I ran into an old friend – Geoff Burton. It was just in time too, really needed some healing supplies. I guess the meeting made Boo rather happy. Not too long after he started dancing around like a drunken pup (which likely had something to do with all the gin he’s been stealing from me; he doesn’t think I know, but I do). Strange thing, I think he’s head got bigger right after that. He also lost that fearsome growl he had before. How he’s just smiling and running and so annoyingly cheerful it just makes you want to kill yourself. In his defense, that fearsome growl only scared Boo. But in that it was very good.
%%% From the diary of his 75th travel outside the city limits
Found a mystery box after a particularly fearsome fight with a well tanned vampire. I was so excited – all the question marks on it beckoned to me to open it. So I did, right after several prayers for good luck. What a horrible idea that was: found a long lost death certificate. I’m sure there was a reason I had lost it to begin with, so I’m not too crazy about having found it again.
%%% From the diary of his 73rd travel outside the city limits
The Great-Cheese-in-the-Sky dropped a tablet on my foot. After several hours of blinding pain, I managed to decipher his message: I am too good to others. I guess he wanted me to stop giving away my old equipment, especially since I insist on paying for hand-me-downs myself. Seemed rather petty to me, and very un-god like, do I decided that I will not listen to my Lord for the reminder of the day. Surprisingly, it did NOT work to my advantage.
%%% From the diary of his 69th travel outside the city limits
I bribed a trader some 2000 gold coins for a bull shield. At least I saved on taxes… or did I?... Turns out it was missing a few letters, but the bull part was there all right. I wish I asked for a receipt.
%%% From the diary of his 58th travel outside the city limits
My pet, my darling Boo, died the other day. I’m not sure why, not like he does anything other than run in circles, growling here and there… OK, the occasional passing of a message from the Big Cheese, but that’s about it. I assume he was bored with our travels. Back and forth from Godville, I myself sometime think about ending it all. In any case, the stinker cost me a pretty penny to resurrect. It was nice to see him alive and running again, not to mention a lot easier not to have to carry his fat, lifeless body around anymore, but I can’t help but think of the wonderful equipment I could have bought with that money. Oh well, not like a new sword could keep me warm at night, or lick my face in the morning… Damn… I should have bought a sword.
%%% From the diary of his 52nd travel outside the city limits
Boo looked at me quizzically, the asked if I was building him a fire hydrant. I did not know if I should laugh or smite him. In the end I decided he was right… My so called temple does look like a hydrant. I’m sure the Almighty does not appreciate the constant urination, but it seems to add a shine to it.
%%% From the diary of his 47th travel outside the city limits
This Third Eye is making me self-conscious. Feels like someone is keeping tabs on me.
%%% From the diary of his 33th travel outside the city limits
Finally made it to San Satanos. I don’t understand why everyone its so in love with this city. First, too many forge “insert activity here” businesses. I mean, do you really need a Forge Manicure and Barber shop? And I could not find decent deviled eggs anywhere. So it seems to me that it’s all hype. They do have a good marketing department tho. I ended up buying a certificate allowing me to pay San Satanos taxes. Sounded like a good deal at the time… Of course, the fine print about “not recognized outside San Satanos” could cause some problems down the line, but I’m sure I can solve that.
%%% From the diary of his 23rd travel outside the city limits
I wish I could build the temple out of horse-dung and let God make it all gold. Will to golden power…
%%% From the diary of his 6th travel outside the city limits
I could swear I had a different name… and prayed to a different god. Well, maybe the same god, just a different name. Heh, how many times have I heard that? I mean just the other day I’ve meet this man down the road from LD, who kept yelling about there is only one god and what-not. He did not stick around for long… I mean a lightning bolt hit him right in the head, and he ran away screaming something about “you’re not it.” I digress…
Nevertheless, I feel like I should keep this journal. Just the other day this trader followed me around town, asking for 3500 gold coins which, he insisted, I had promised to pay him two days before. Given the holes in my socks – not to mention the hole in my head that Heffalump gave me due to an ill-fitting helmet – I am unsure what could I have possibly have bought from him. Then again, I can’t remember my previous name, so I should not get too indignant.
%%% From the diary of his 2nd travel outside the city limits
There are voices in my head. Actually, it’s just one voice, but it had many intonations. Never anything interesting – sometimes useful, but never interesting. And never in a straight forward, matter of fact way. Burning bush, crazy clouds, falling tablets… and that drumming… oh the drumming.