FFF (FIGHT FOR FIRST) : https://godvillegame.com/duels/log/w9h3r6gqc
05:09
My life coach just informed me that I’ve been cut from the team.
• Popular consensus is that Visitor Dante’s genius knows no bounds.
(4th paper reference!)
7/12 1:40pm Monsters Killed – 11111
Quest
#100
Break the record for most records broken (epic)
04:51
Kicked some puppies… in half.
02:30
Found a silver coin stamped with ‘In Godville We Trust’. Nice.
Duels of note:
http://godvillegame.com/duels/log/ffteumaz6 (great battle)
https://godvillegame.com/duels/log/xup5r9g2l
https://godvillegame.com/duels/log/1q8q6a2bh (longest)
12:56
Parrots in the main square declared: “Its God find those who seek the truth.”
12:52
“Spectacle of ƒables” — I like how it sounds.
Talisman
+33
Death note
Weapon
+28
Anti-goliath sling
Shield
+26
Shield of the Fallen Angel
Head
+27
Pair of monocles
Body
+25
Mantle of Wasteland’s ruler
Arms
+29
Pipboy 3000
Legs
+29
Pythagorean pants
Talisman
+31
Chaplet of destiny
10:40
A mad hermit ran up to me and screamed, “Elevate your anger TO THE NEXT LEVEL”.
• The humble god Visitor Dante set a good example for others by both submitting and voting for ideas.
05:40
Some days I practice positive thinking. Other days, I’m not positive, I’m thinking.
05:35
You know, Fearsome One, I’m not just a hero. I’m taking night classes in microeconomics to get my PhD. I just act less intelligent to fit in with the other heroes.
Weapon
+28
Anti-goliath sling
Shield
+24
Strong sunblock
Head
+24
Quasidevil’s horns
Body
+26
Cardinal’s cape
Arms
+30
Pipboy 3000
Legs
+26
Chameleon socks
Talisman
+25
One-sided coin
Wins / Losses : 51 / 8 – 797.4 (4th place) – 3 days left
Arms
+29
Bionic commando’s arm
05:03
Money can’t buy happiness, but poverty can’t buy anything!
48 / 8
784.1
09:58
While stumbling drunkenly, I accidentally prayed through the medium of interpretive dance.
Dueler pantheon: 4th place!!! 4 days left
47 / 8 (778.5)
08:41
Strange words floated by in a puff of smoke: “Earn charges by writing articles for SummerWiki.” by WardPhoenix (???)
07:36
Fell into a puddle of black oily liquid. Now my compass of misdirection has rich black stains, which seems to make it even more useful. lol
NEWSPAPER: • Popular consensus is that Visitor Dante’s genius knows no bounds.
Weapon
+23
Axe of headbanging
Shield
+22
Lego shield
Head
+23
Monomolecular bandana
Body
+23
Necromancer’s graveclothes
Arms
+27
Clawed glove
Legs
+27
Chameleon socks
Talisman
+24
Compass of misdirection
11:53
Rode into Heisenburg on a cloud of dust. No horse, just a cloud of dust.
From Prospector of Fables to… Spectre of Fables.
From Protector of Fables to… Prospector of Fables.
6:57 PM
Good news, Great One! I learned a very useful new skill: “intimate tickling”. At least the traveling master who trained me promised it was very useful.
item: Brand new bag lol
11:47
The dead Inedible Hulk melted into some metallic liquid, and then resolidified as a free lunch.
item: Case of the Mondays (lol its a monday)
Blackbeard’s razor
Heisenburger
License to chill
Talisman
+16
Shaman’s drum
09:13
Found a field full of ripe sunflowers. Hours passed completely unnoticed.
ITEM: “Hero of the Day” award (damn, second time…)
07:57
Killed the Prawn of Satan. Acquired a collection of multi-colored photons
Arms:
Fallen Angel’s battle bracers +20
ITEM: Map of an ogre’s erogenous zones
10:46
I grabbed the strip of bacon and the shred of dignity and smooshed them together as hard as I could. Out popped a status cymbal.
10:23
The Wasted Youth’s last words were very profound and life-changing, but I forgot them
ITEMS:
Background music generator
“I survived the Rapture” T-shirt
Medusa hairnet
Boss monster plushie
09:41
Came upon a spoon in the road. How odd…
09:33
My Lord, you may be wondering what I’ve done with my unlootable item. So am I.
Body
+15
Crystal armor
Arms
+16
Gloves of eternal damnation
02:29
Oh, this Silent Lamb is the totem of our guild! Offered it various honors and got an ambiance fluxuator and a wish of further career growth in return. (Met the lamb and SURVIVED lol)
01:50
I raged and threw the canned heat and the can of pain thinner at the ground. To my surprise, a center of gravity bounced back and hit me in the head!
01:43
This devil’s handbasket sure is expensive.
ITEM: Essence of awesomeness (yooo)
10:47
Saw saplings march into war. Must be infant trees.
09:55 PM
Soul Supreme, you won’t believe this! I’ve just heard a choir singing a song with the words “The burg will be our’s damn it” in it. I guess you’re getting famous and godpowerful!
08:50
The flagpole bearing the “The Forsakens Lament” flag grew dramatically in height, channeling a storm of thunderbolts, destined for the townsfolk, safely into the ground. The grateful inhabitants of Heisenburg will never forget the day they avoided their gods’ wrath.
08:48
Suddenly felt movement in my pocket and pulled out an official document stating that the leader of “The Forsakens Lament” is a descendant of the town’s founder. The citizens of Heisenburg seem to like us a lot more now!
08:36
Shouted, “I am Aesop the Aegis, member of the “The Forsakens Lament” guild. This drought is over!” just as rain started to pour from the sky. Yep, the townsfolk won’t forget this anytime soon.
03:06 AM Paid a wise old man 805 gold coins to teach me a new way to annoy my god.
Herpules10 taught me a special skill that he said no one else knows, called “falcon punch” and swore me to secrecy. I’m not entirely sure what “secrecy” means, but I can’t wait to show everyone at the tavern!
09:30
Stared into the abyss. Couldn’t see a thing except some lemmings practicing base-jumping.
09:30
A priest at the temple told me that madness takes its toll. I wonder if it needs exact change?
09:24
I can’t think of any use for this “Hero of the Day” award, but I sure can think of a good use for the 393 gold coins the trader gave me for it. (LOL)
Item: “Hero of the Day” award (DOWHA?)
02:51 PM Decided to seize the day this morning, but the innkeeper demanded I return his calendar.
03:03 PM A Godville Administrator stopped by during my prayer hour with a thank-you card signed “From all of us.” Neat.
01:40
Woke up, as I seem to after every full moon, naked and with no idea where I was or how I got there. I guess I really know how to party.
Blackening the image of the Darkest One in front of the parishioners…
05:51
I noticed that the paw printer and the picture of Moaning Lisa fit together like puzzle pieces. Now I think they look more like a peer pressure valve. Hopefully, a trader thinks so as well.
05:22
I’ve found a new recipe: take the stimulus package, merge it with the soft rock and you’ll get a stone hinge!
04:59
Briefly wondered if I could avoid the expenses associated with wearing armor. Was fined 235 gold coins for indecent exposure.
Performing faith healings and faith maimings in equal measure…
Adding zeroes to reward values on ‘Wanted’ posters…
Fending off the doctor’s syringe with a tongue depressor…
04:39
Look, Soul Supreme, no hands! The doctor’s sewing them back on, though.
04:38
The guild psychiatrist diagnosed me as suffering from CDO… it’s like OCD but everything has to be in alphabetical order.
04:26
A demon emerged from hell’s depths, gave me a gnomish beard growth amplifier and disappeared. Wait, I think something is wrong with my soul…
04:16
Gazed deeply into the dying Arctic Monkey’s soul. Saw a coffin nail, which I stole.
04:14
Came for the Acid Trip Advisor’s limited lifetime warranty.
Playing the role of bumbling simpleton to perfection…
03:15
Paid 415 coins and registered ‘Protector of Fables.’ in the Herolympus Registry of Mottos.
*Contemplated perma-death for a moment. dismissed the thought when I thought of how many monsters are waiting for me in the afterlife to take their revenge.
12:58
Followed a circular path. Somehow ended up back at square one.
Weapon self-cutting axe +10
Shield bastion shield +11
Head Master Chief’s helmet +14
Body kevlar vest +10
Arms cavalryman’s bracers +13
Legs Hermes’ training sneakers +9
Talisman amulet of omni-impotence +9
Popularity +7 7 overall
04:17
Fell into a puddle of black oily liquid. Now my piece of equipment – Master Chief’s helmet – has rich black stains, which seems to make it even more useful.
03:43
Frantically yelled ‘Fire!’ and watched as my guildmates cleared the waiting room at the doctor’s office. Guess I’m next!
03:30
Spent several minutes staring at the super bowl. Nothing happened.
03:26
Came across a board game in the forest that was playing itself. Felt an eerie sense of affection for it.
Chiseling “Here lies the Spaghetti Westerner, R.I.P.” into a stone…
03:17
Felt a burning desire to disassemble the deus ex machina. Found a notarized document inside stating that I’ve died fewer times than I thought. Splendid.
Finding the mundane in the marvelous…
02:50
A twist here, a fold there, insert tab A into slot B… I’ve managed to transform the defeated Game Overlord’s carcass into a horseshoe from a spherical horse!
02:03
Saw a hero wearing his underwear outside his trousers. Seems like a new fashion.
12:02
Destruction +6 1st overall!!!!
11:28
Personality
pure evil!
Turning down the in-game brightness to sneak past the evil monsters…
Wondering where the wild things aren’t…
Destruction +31 5th overall
06:07
A priest suddenly realized that the sacred inscription on the ancient monolith in the town square was actually an anagram of “extremely average”!
Destruction 36
Heisenburg 11%
05:53
The skies darkened and Heisenburg was showered with thunderbolts, setting fire to all guild offices except those belonging to extremely average. Such subtlety, Omnipotent One — they’ll never suspect a thing.
05:50
Tried to twiddle my thumbs until I realized the doctor hadn’t reattached them yet. Twiddled my other fingers instead.
05:35
Voices erupted in the Heisenburg town square. When I went over, I saw the fountain flowing with beer and a pile of mugs with “extremely average” written on the side. Everyone likes us now!
05:34
Lightning caused a sudden blackout in Heisenburg. Chaos would have reigned had not ‘extremely average’ guild members distributed torches to all. The potential catastrophe was turned into a brilliant display of efficiency and courage, greatly recognized by the town folks.
03:12 PM A freak gust of wind blew my guild promotion flyers out of my hands. Amazingly, a sudden vortex then dispersed the flyers, sending one into the letterbox of every household in Next Station! Truly, “extremely average” will blow all other guilds away in Next Station.
03:10 PM Note to self: don’t join dangerous cults — practice safe sects!
05:47
Hooray, I learned a new skill: “mountain moving”!
05:45
While studying the mating patterns of the Photoshoplifter, I suddenly got new insight into how to go about trying to get the facts straight by bending the truth! Inspiration really can come from anywhere.
05:17
The trader told me that this new diary has an extended writing life and a state-of-the-art quill. So far, I can’t tell the difference.
Trying to reach 88 milestones per hour…
As I walked by an abandoned mill, I heard “That my child is programming code.” That was creepy.
04:08
Thought I heard “faster bitch” coming from my sack. Hopefully, if I just ignore it, it will become the trader’s problem eventually.
New Achievement – “Fiend, 3rd rank”
Bring your hero to absolute darkness
03:44
“extremely average” signs appeared on all the walls and buildings in town in glowing paint. This will show the other guilds that Godville is our territory now, at least until they paint it over again.
A totem pole unexpectedly grew up out of the middle of the main high street in the center of Godville, depicting the face of each and every member of “extremely average” guild!
03:14
step 8
The sky lit up, and there was a deafening thunderclap. No flash photography, Visitor Dante!
The scoreboard suddenly malfunctioned and showed the text, “making puppy dog eyes at your blood.”
Talisman
+8
Drunkard’s liver
Promising to wipe out the Adoring Fan’s bloodline…
Using meditation to reach a heightened level of lack of self-awareness…
02:36
A merchant tried to sell me some bootleg “cast any other god aside. we paid for these tickets.” T-shirts. You’re getting famous, my Lord!
I blindly made a battery antacid using the backseat driver’s license, bag of smithereens
01:58
Used copious amounts of duct tape to combine the decoration of independence and the dictionary of typos into a don’t-do-it-yourself guide.
01:56
Looking up at the rain clouds and hoping he’ll never have to build an ark…
01:55
Synced my false god particle to the cloud. It never came down.
01:51
Tasted freedom. Found it unpalatable.
01:30
Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
01:07
Trade, you say? Okay, if you insist. I’ll be the god and you be the hero. Make me proud, my champion!
12:41
I’ve found a new recipe: take the dragonbreath mint, merge it with the devil’s avocado and you’ll get a dream machine!
12:25
Ît wâs râîñîñg câts âñd dôgs, sô Î pût lîttlê rôôfs îñ mŷ dîârŷ tô hêlp ît stâŷ drŷ.
Head
+14
Iron crown
23:14
step 7
Aesop the Aegis suddenly turned green and increased dramatically in size, before yelling “Aesop the Aegis smash!” and tossing Seprius around like a rag doll.
A voice from the clouds suddenly said, “finish him.”
Aesop the Aegis knocked Seprius off his feet with a clean uppercut.
09:35
A merchant tried to sell me some bootleg “You shall now be titled protector of fables.” T-shirts. You’re getting famous, Mighty One!
08:45 PM Dear Lord, most omniscient, beneficent, and unpredictable, whose existence was, is, and forever shall be eternal and interminable; the delight of my eyes and the song of my heart, whose wisdom flows like a waterfall unto… I forgot what I was going to say.
08:41 PM I sat on a rock to have lunch, but was stunned by the sudden roar from heaven: “kripping for lyf bitch.” I choked on a donut.
10:49
“Protector of Fables.” — simple and elegant. That’s what my motto should be.
08:34 PM Went to the graveyard today and gave 471 coins to the groundskeeper to have a nice grave with flowers, candles and a great view over Godville the next time I need one.
08:26 PM Heard a shout resonate from within an adobe hut: “To ascend to godhood you need a very long staircase.”
11:43
A wandering guru told me that time flies like an arrow, but that fruit flies like a banana. I checked.
11:05
The Self-Fulfilling Prophet groaned, “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” and ascended to heaven.
11:03
Had a baptism by fire. Got fined 53 coins for violating safety regulations.
Lulling the priest to sleep with an unending confession…
Arthur of Camelot was removed from my potential threats list. He will remember not to stand in my way again.
Inventory
Nose of the Sphinx
08:38
A talking paperclip popped out of nowhere and proclaimed, “It looks like you’re fighting a Grim Creeper!” I grabbed it and repeatedly smashed the vicious beast over the head with it.
08:37
Heard some other heroes talking about getting stuck in walls and skipping milestones, but I’m not too bothered. I’ve got 99 problems and a glitch ain’t one.
08:34
Gazed deeply into the dying Immoral Porpoise’s soul. Saw a recipe for success, which I stole.
08:11
Had an appointment with my psychiatrist. He’s funny. He called it a disappointment.
08:03
The guild doctor told me that he thinks I’m a masochist. Decided not to beat myself up about it.
07:56
There is a time and place for everything, and apparently the time and place for this Time Consumer is right here and right now.
05:23 PM Tried to develop second sight in my third eye but found that it cancelled out my sixth sense.
05:14 PM Made a makeshift bed out of hay, tucked myself in snugly, then punched myself unconscious.
10:36 PM Divine forces took the cookie jar and disassembled it without my permission. I should have known that there would be a dose of reality, a sun-protection monocle and a snappy comeback inside.
Playing dumb exceedingly realistically…
Quest: Rake the sands of time (97%)
07:54 PM Stood up in the tavern to make a toast to you, Omnipotent One, but all that came out of my mouth was, “Fuck a thick bitch too.” What the heck did the bartender put in my drink?
Nirvana gave me a headache.
Didn’t consider the side-effects of ascending to godhood.
07:17
By the pricking of my thumbs, something Enforcement Droid 209-shaped this way comes.
Manning the panic stations.
06:53
Take the going sacrifice rate, adjust for “wrath of deity” offset, multiply it by the sins factor…
Selling the license to own a license
06:22
I fiercely combined the self-absorbing towel and sheet of personal information into one piece, gave it some filing and got a sauce of all evil.
06:20
I noticed that the funky beet and the freudian slip fit together like puzzle pieces. Now I think they look more like a figure of speech.
The Invisigoth groaned, “I’m not tellin’ you a damn thing!” and ascended to heaven. Took its funky beet.
06:04
It appears that if I grind the bottle labeled “Drink me” into a thin gruel, smear it over the buoyant anchor and temper it in the fire, it will transform into some bacon of hope.
Preparing the holy guacamole…
04:58
Prayed so intensely that I forgot about the happy hour at Dunquestin. Hope you appreciate the dedication, Angry One!
04:50
A demon emerged from hell’s depths, gave me a tectonic paper plate and disappeared. Wait, I think something is wrong with my soul…
03:11
Passed by a billboard that said, “sell.” Talk about targeted advertising…
03:06
Found someone who allowed me to join “extremely average”. Hi, fellows!
Going to the place where the grass is green and the girls are pretty…
Running from imagined threats into certain danger…
Milestones Passed: 69
Aligning his chakras alphabetically…
“Unworthy Hero to Soul Supreme. Come in, Soul Supreme. Over…”
Reading his diary backwards, to look for hidden subliminal messages…
Acquired: Roadmap to glory
Empty flask of immortality
Exalted One, you can’t just mash the rite of way and the round tetris piece together and expect to… Oh. Well clearly, a root of all goodness sitting in my hands proves that I ought to doubt my god less.
01:42
Just as I was about to deal the One-legged Centipede a fatal blow, a monster’s rights activist came up and chained himself to it. Smashing both of them with one strike was pretty sweet!
Looking for loot in all the wrong places…
01:34
Well, well, well… if it isn’t a bush trying to hide in front of that Loaded Nostradamoose.
01:28
Flicked through the diary of the slain Civil Serpent. Man, I really come across as a jerk in this thing.
Using reverse psychology by looking for the wrong path…
Performing ritual burning of calories…
01:07
A voice from the skies thundered: “nirvana.” Hey, turn the volume down!
Branding complex messages into pieces of burnt toast…
12:55
Almighty, I love everyone. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid, and some I love to punch in the face.
12:55
The words “love is real” materialized in midair directly in front of my face, written in fire. Who has time to read all that?
Refolding the map to shorten the route…
Philosophically contemplating a lead brick, hoping it will turn into a gold one…
12:42
Sorry, Almighty, I’m just admiring my places in the pantheons at the moment and can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
12:31
I only drink on two occasions: when it’s my birthday and when it isn’t.
12:22
Decided to throw in the towel. Luckily it landed on the Grayscaled Dragon’s face, giving me the opportunity to finish it off.
This Higgs Bison’s monstering days are over, but my days of owning a unicornucopia have just begun.
The Thundertaker is demanding satisfaction and slapping the hero in the face with a white glove for 1 hp…
12:14
Almighty, I am so glad I’m bad because neutral heroes are so boring.
Helping the Ultra Violent Ray with its medical insurance claim…
12:12
I killed the Athlete’s Foot Soldier for glory, not for any material reward.
12:11
I seem to be having tremendous difficulties with my lifestyle.
12:10
Fearsome One, every time I witness your power and glory, only one word comes to my mind. Keep it up and someday I might be able to construct a whole sentence!
Walking in rectangles…
Keeping the dream alive by hitting the snooze button…
11:52
White smoke billowed from a temple chimney, and spelled out, “nirvana” in cursive across the sky.
11:38
Bathed in the fountain of youth, but used the soap of premature aging. Ended up roughly the same.
The Unicycle Gang Member is showing off photos from its latest vacation…
11:27
The Millennium Falcon groaned, “My brothers will avenge me!” and ascended to heaven. Took its fight-or-flight simulator.
11:26
A lightning bolt to the forehead quickly refreshed my mind and filled my body with energy. Yo-ho-ho, who’s next, you pansies?
11:24
A tree suddenly uprooted itself and walked over to the Infrared Visionary, causing the lightning bolts aimed at the tree to hit the Infrared Visionary instead.
11:23
Lightning suddenly coursed from my fingertips, zapping the Concussionist. Hey, I’m becoming just like the Almighty One!
Letting his inner demons out for a little fresh air…
1rst battle: Touching cloth…
Eternally marching under an endless sky…
The Hypnotoad is refusing to fight without a sponsor…
Breaking the rules and his limbs…
Adjusting the display resolution to make the Centaur of Attention look smaller…
09:31
The defeated monster just drew a dot on my perfectly clean map. Now I’ll have to go there to get rid of it.
So I met a Lesser of Two Weevils and yada, yada, yada… now I’ve got 10 gold coins and a love triangle.
Substituting enthusiasm for competency…
The Lesser of Two Weevils is cramping the hero’s style
Weapon
+3
Pink slip
Seeking preemptive absolution…
Checking the arena wait-list for princesses…
03:35 AM Tried going against the grain. Somehow made a crop circle.
Opening his mouth instead of his mind…
Trading 1 hp now for a cool scar later…
10:46 PM Dear Diary, I have elected to employ a greater degree of formality in my record-keeping. I trust that this meets your favor. Regards, Aesop the Aegis.
02:11 PM Chanced upon a mockingbird. Cried over its witty insults.
02:32 PM “I regret to inform you, Talkshow Ghost, that you are being downsized. Please turn in your badge and chicken magnet and leave the premises.”
07:56 PM A tattoo on this monster’s skin strangely resembles my map. Except that this one spot is missing…
Masterfully turning things from bad to worse…
Counting his fingers on his fingers…
08:25 PM The Spell-Podcaster yelled, “I was the last of my kind!” and disappeared into thin air, leaving a word salad on the ground.
08:37 PM Death came to claim me, but it tripped on its robe. Time to run away! Farewell, Delusionist!