~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PROLOGUE: The Somewhat Beginning of a Somewhat Heroic Tale
(Under Construction)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter One: Two Men Walked Into A Bar
Dardanus lived in a farmer’s house. That’s right. The soon to be powerful and infamous champion of the All Powerful Toddster was the son of a farmer. He was a disgrace, according to his father, spending most of his days drinking booze in the local pub than working.
He was arguably the man with the most drunk shots of beer in the tavern, which was 98. You might be wondering why he didn’t try and reach 100 shots. Oh he tried, but at the 99th bottle his body thought that it had enough beer for one day and ejected the recently ingested alcohol, answered the call of the wild burrito and executed an emergency shut down…
…
…he puked, farted and fainted.
Eventually, he was kicked from his houshold by his father.“You are a good for nothing, lazy, insubordinate drunk!” He said as Dardanus was literally dragged across the room then into the cold outside, which was surprising, since his 60 year old foster father can still carry the weight of an elephant. (Disclaimer: This statement does not imply that Dardanus is fat, he’s just vertically challenged.)
Without a home or anyone to care for him, he spent his last days withering in the pub. But what he didn’t know was that beer would bring him the road to his salvation, literally.
One day under a clear and cloudless sky, Dardanus was slowly wasting the rest of his life away in a tavern. It was the middle of the night at that time, and the tavern keeper was not very fond of Dardanus, who was technically living in his pub now, since this was the only home he now only has.
A drunk Dardanus and the bartender where the only people on the room at the moment. He moved across the seats om the counter until he was closer to Grillby the bartender, which wasn’t creepy at all.
“Hey buddy…” he says to the bartender, “I’ve got a joke for ya.”
The bartender rolls his eyes, “I’ve already heard of that joke a million times Dardanus.”
“No! This is a new one…” he clears his throat.
“So…two men walk into a bar…”
“Aren’t they supposed to be scientists?”
“Shut up! Anyway…one guy said: ’I want some H 2 O. The other guy said, I want some H 2 O too! Guess what? The other guy died!” Dardanus suddenly started laughing his butt off.
Grillby raised an eyebrow, he seemed unamused. “Like I said, I already heard that one. From you…”
“Really? I don’t remember saying it to you.”
Grillby sighs heavily, “That’s because each time you tell that joke, the following night you drink so much beer you have a hangover and instantly forget.” He facepalms, “Going around telling everyone this joke doesn’t make you smart, you know that right? You probably don’t even know what H 2 O is.”
“Of course I do! It’s beer that you can see through and tastes funny!” he tilts his head. “I’m right, right?”
“No!” Grillby faceplams again. “Do you even understand what the joke means?”
“Yeah! The first guy orders funny beer before the other guy. And since the bar was out of the funny beer because the first guy drank all of it first, the other guy died from thirst!”
Grillby stares at Dardanus. He was speechless.
“What?” Dardanus dumbfoundedly says.
“You’re just…beyond stupid, are you?”
“Hey! I’m not stu-”
Dardanus was interrupted by someone loudly entering the front door behind him. Both Dardanus and the bartender turns towards the man.
From close inspection, well there wasn’t really anything to inspect in the first place. He was wearing a cloak from head to toe, so all they see was his robes.
The stranger sits in a stool on the far side of the tavern.
Dardanus glances towards Grillby, his face appeared to be a mixture of hate and disappointment.
Dardanus moves closer to the man, “Hey buddy, I’ve got a joke for ya…”
“Can it, Dardanus!” Grillby immediately shouts and walks over to the man.
“What is it this time?” He crosses his arms.
“I need a shot…” the hooded man lifts his shot glass at the bartender and says with a very coarse and very old voice.
“That’s literally the 1000th glass in total you had. I think you should lay off from beer for now.”
Dardanus almost choked on his drink.
A THOUSAND glasses?!?! Dardanus thought to himself. No man can ever survive with that much alcohol…without puking and/or fainting.
“In fact, I think you should lay off my pub.”
“Bah!” he throws his cup of beer to the floor beside him and stood up, sizing up Grillby. “That’s not a request Grillby…”
Dardanus couldn’t see through his hood, but he knew that the man was glaring at the bartender. The man notices he’s being watched and glances towards Dardanus.
Dardanus immediately returns to his previous position.
The bartender sighs and takes a shot of whiskey. He gives it to the man saying, “This is your last shot…” he pointed at the man and glared at him, “…and you better leave Grillby’s before sunrise. I don’t want to see your drunk, sleeping body here when I wake up ever again.”
Suddenly and unexpectedly, the man extended his hand and held Grillby by the neck. “I can drink here anytime I want!”
“Hey!” Dardanus was about to tackle the mystery person, until suddenly the person extended his other arm and Dardanus was floating in the air. He flung Dardanus across the room and straight into the wall.
Grillby was still being held on the throat, and was being choked to death. Until a flash of lightning and loud thunder was heard outside. It did not sound like natural lightning.
“WHAAAT?!” The man seemed to be talking to no one, “I’m not going to kill him! And if I do, you could just ressurect him later!!!”
Another flash of lightning was seen, followed by a loud crackle of thunder from the roof of the tavern.
“Fine!” He throws Grillby towards the shelves of whiskey bottles and they broke on impact. Grillby was groping his throat from the pain.
“I hated the drinks on this place anyway…” The man was about to exit as well until suddenly Dardanus lept from his seat and dashed towards him. He held his arm and the man glared at him.
“Wait!” Dardanus pleaded, “Let me come with you!”
“Get off.” he shoved Dardanus and he went flying across the room then right back into his seat. Now two old men had beaten up Dardanus in one day. Dardanus is not sure if he was far weaker and frailer than he thought he would be or that the old man is actually not what he seems.
He immediately jumps again and uses his body to block the door. The man once again glared at him.
“If you don’t get out of my way this instant…”
“Look I know that you are in a bad mood and all, but I swear that whatever is giving you have a bad day, I’ve been through worse. Now I was evicted by my own family, and I was about to die drunk in this miserable, dirty little hell hole alone!”
The head of the bartender appears on the counter from across the room and glares at Dardanus.
“Sorry Grillby…” he apologizes. “No offense, right? We cool?”
Grillby, still glaring at Dardanus, returns back below the counter. Dardanus knows that you do not want to get into Grillby’s bad side, or else you would be banned from drinking for over a year.
Dardanus returns his attention to the hooded man, “But maybe, if I come with you, you might give me another purpose in life. And possibly I could prove myself to father and return home. Please, let me be your companion.”
The man wears an unimpressed face and raises his eyebrow, “Companion?” He wasn’t buying it.
Dardanus continues shouting, “Companion, servant, pet, anything you want! Just please get me out of here…” he was kneeling in front of him, clasping his hands together as if in prayer.
The man stares at the drunk in front of him, then his eyes widened, as if he had the greatest idea he ever thought of pop up in his mind. Then a smile formed on his face and he starts laughing.
“Boy, you couldn’t come where I am heading. But a servant, that might work…” he rubs his hands together. “It’s a deal!” he yells, and a slightly mischevious smile can be seen in his hood.
“Uh…really?” Dardanus wasn’t sure if he really made the right decision. “Wait but…if I can’t come with you, how can I be your servant?”
“Oh that’s easy. Isn’t it obvious?” he grins, now clearly a mischevious grin. “Come…let’s buy you a drink!” he sits down.
“Wait…what about Grillby?”
“No I’m fine!” a voice shouted from the counter.
“Now…” the man says, ignoring Grillby, “The terms of this agreement is, you will pledge the rest of your life to me and only me…” he starts to say.
“What? Wait…but…” Dardanus complains, but was interrupted by the man.
“Now, during your servitude you will be bestowed with great power. Far greater than you could ever imagine! Well, more or less.”
“Oh…” Great power seemed to suit Dardanus really well. “Keep going…”
“During your adventure you will meet various other servants along the way.”
“Your servants?”
“Oh no, servants of other gods.”
“Other wha-?”
“Details will be explained after you agree. But now we must talk about your labors…” he explains further, gesturing everything he says using his hands.
“Labors?”
“Oh sure…I can’t just give great power without getting something in return. So you must build me…uhm…a temple! Yes, a giant gold temple with my name written in front for all of Godville to see!”
“A giant temple…sounds impossible but ok…”
“Secondly, you must build an ark, cause why not? Of course it must have my name plastered on the side and must be made out of thousands of gopher wood.”
“Wait what?! The temple was ok but that’s insane!”
“No complaints! You asked for the job and I give it to you. Now…the ark must then be filled with two of every kind of monster and animal that roamed the earth, because we can’t just have an ark without anything to fill it. And lastly…” He pauses for dramatic effect. “You have to collect millions gold coins.”
“Why?” Dardanus asks.
He glares once again at Dardanus. This dude must really like glaring. “You dare question my tasks for you?”
“No…sorry.” He couldn’t explain it, but there was something to this guy which made him intimidating.
“Just kidding…it’s so that you could make your own business in Godville which would spread my glorious and almighty name even further. Although be sure my name is in the sign just ro make sure.”
He summons two drinks out of thin air. Maybe if Dardanus joined, he could do that as well. Infinite beer that could summon with your will? Dardanus didn’t care about the labors, he was already hooked.
“That is pretty much what I need you to do. You wanted a purpose in life, yes? Well know you do.” He drinks his glass. "Any questions?
Surprisingly, Dardanus didn’t have any. He just shook his head.
“Well then…it is settled.” He offers his hand, “Welcome to the job, my champion, my…hero.”
Hero… the word rings in Dardanus’ head. He shakes the hand, and suddenly feels his hand overwhelmed with heat.
“Ow!” He winces, then immediately lets go of the stranger’s hand and inspects his. He notices a strange symbol on his palm.
“That’s an emblem, consider it me marking you as my permanent slav- er…servant.”
Welp… Dardanus thought, No turning back now…
He drinks his cup given by the stranger. “So…when do we start?” He notices the man wear the same mischevious smile as before.
“Oh we’ll start right now. See you later Dardanus.”
“Wait…how do you now my…” He suddenly felt queasy. He felt all his energy leave him and he starts to get dizzy. He glances at the cup offered by the man and looks at him.
“What did you…” He falls to the left, and hits the ground.
He hears the man laugh as he slowly loses consciousness.
“Oh…” A voice said beside him. “I almost forgot, my name is Toddster. Your new master.” Until finally he faints.
He wakes up in a panic. He immediately scans his surroundings. He woke up in an unfinished construction site. Where there were priests who seemingly cared for him until he awakens.
“Oh good, you have awoken. I thought for sure you were dead.” The priest which seemed to be the leader said.
“Where am I?” He holds his head.
“Oh you are where you are supposed to be. At the site of your soon to be temple for your god.”
“God…you mean Toddster?”
The priests all gasp, the high priest says “Oh no. You must not refer to him as his real name. Rather you must use Almighty, or The Great One. Got that?”
“Oh…sure…” He tries to stand up, which surprisingly he could. Somehow his energy returns as quickly as he loses them. He felt a feeling of being loved, a moment of zen, a blissful encourage. Then it disappeared quickly.
“It seems that your god has blessed you already.” He smiles at Dardanus. "He encourages you to move on and do whatever he wills you.
He was breathing heavily. He never felt that feeling before. He points towards the sky, “He did that?”
The high priest nods. “Now go on, fulfill your duty. Head onwards to your first day as champion.”
He felt light-headed. He never had this feeling that someone depended on him for something important. Like his father said, he was good for nothing drunk. What good was he for anybody?
And yet here he was, a champion for his god. For the first time in his life, he felt important, he felt powerful, he felt like a hero.
“Where do I start?” He confidently asks the priest.
He smiles once more, “Your confidence is admirable young hero. I know now that The Great One has chosen wisely.” He points towards a nearby large building at the far side of the town.
“A questmaster can be found there. You need to accomplish quests to gain gold bricks for your temple. Now go…” He clasps his hands and returns to the altar to pray.
And Dardanus went. He went where many heroes have went for the first time. This was the beginning of his journey. This was the beginning of his heroic tale. And on the way…he experiences a series of ridiculous and unfortunate events, either caused by him, his god, or his unquenchable thirst for beer and in his chronicles lay their stories. In that moment, however, there was only one thing left on his mind whih continues to baffle him until now: “What the heck kind of name is Toddster?”.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter Two: In Which Dardanus Enjoys The Company Of His Sun Dog
Nobody said a hero’s life was easy, Almighty Toddster never really specified the job offer, but Dardanus took the responsibility anyway, and very boldy at that. As our great hero finishes up a day of monster-fighting, questing, and beer-drinking…mostly beer-drinking…he rests his head against a small patch of grass on a hill facing the beautiful sunset. Upon colser inspection, you could se scratches and scars were clearly shown on his leather armor. He never minded them, The Great One eventually heals them up anyway, usually using very strange techniques.
His Sun Dog, Sparky, sat beside him, majestically staring towards the setting sun. Dardanus never knew why Sparky always looked so awesome during a sunset, perhaps due to him being a sun dog, or maybe pets are just more handsome than heroes.
As Dardanus enjoys the scene in front of him, he glances at Sparky. It’s been awhile seen he first met his sun dog. When they first met…well, it wasn’t exactly a friendly meeting, they immediately fought. After a few moments exchanging blows, the sun dog eventually kicked his ass.
Dardanus fell to the ground. He immediately folded into a cowering position, and was ready for the deathly blow. However, after a few minutes Dardanus noticed that he wasn’t in the Underworld and Death was nowhere to be seen. He stared at the monster, and notices that the terrifying glare from it’s face was replaced with a look of curiosity and playfulness. He was very confused as to why the monster had not finished him off. It suddenly launched forward at Dardanus, and he was certain that this was the finishing blow. He held up his hands in defense, then finds himself still not dead. He looked at his side, and the monster was instead playing with a funny bone that fell from his inventory. As it chewed on the bone, it was rolling around on the floor making a weird sound, as if it was laughing. Dardanus decided to use this as an advantage and raises his sword to strike. However he looked again at the giggling monster below him, it looked at him with a look that he is very familiar with, a look of fear. He stares
in it’s eyes, the eyes of a poor innocent pup about to be punished by it’s master. He knew no monster was ever poor and innocent, but this one looked very much like it. He felt a sudden feeling that he never felt towards a monster before. He pitied the poor thing. He lowers his weapon, and simultaneously the monster drops the bone, and it did what Dardanus never expected. It places it’s head on Dardanus’ shoulder. It was a sign of trust between the sun dog and the hero. The monster was showing it’s thanks. Dardanus responds by pettinf it’s head.
“You know what, you look a little cute when your not killing me.” He says to the dog. It barks in response.
“I know this sounds kinda crazy…no, it’s really crazy, but…do you wanna be my companion?”
The sun dog tilts his head to the side, then after a few moments of awkward staring, it finally barks in agreement.
“Awesome! I think I shall call you…Kevin Bacon!”
He growls in disgust, it clearly didn’t like his suggestion.
“No? How about…Jack Black?”
He continues growling.
“Uhm…maybe…Sparky?”
The Sun dogs eyes lit up, and it barks at him joyfully.
Dardanus claps his hands, “Sparky it is!”
He composes himself and picks up the funny bone and returns it to his bag. “Come on Sparky! We have a long way ahead of us!” He gestures it to follow him. The pup cocks his head in front of him and wimpers in fear.
“What’s wrong boy? Oof…!” His face plants itself at the chest of a huge beast, it’s shadow glowering above Dardanus, it was the great Godvilla . He gulps, and reaches for his sword. Sparky crouches, ready to pounce. The monster roars mightily and strikes.
Dardanus wakes up from his nap, sweating and panting. Sparky glances toward him and raises an eyebrow. He stares at the Sun dog and sighs in relief. He remembers that moment like it happened yesterday, and he was very sure that it didn’t happen yesterday. He examines his pet more closely. It was clearly not the same cute and innocent Sun dog he met long ago. Just then a large butterfly swoops in infront of Sparky and he immediately starts chasing it, and sometimes falls clumsily in the process. Nope, he’s still the same Sparky. It noticed Dardanus staring at him and looked at him inquisitively, as if wondering what was wrong. He shakes his head, “It’s nothing.” He smiles at the monster. It looked unsatisfied with the answer, it knows it wasn’t just nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter Three: In Which An Unpleased Dardanus Has A Moment With His Unfair God
(COMING SOON)