Born from the loins of the four Aztec goddesses known as Tlazolteteo, the tragic hero Chutzpahtl wanders the world, trying to wrong rights with little success…
Day 1861 g.e.Woah… what’s going on? Where am I? Judging by the surprised looks of passersby, I seem to have suddenly appeared out of thin air in the centre of town, and am now filled the compulsion to write down every single thing that I’m doing or thinking. This is sooo weird. Good thing I have this handy diary in my backpack.
Day 1868 g.e.I made a grand sacrifice of 2 gold coins to my goddess. Surely she will cherish this gift and grant me a boon!
Day 1893 g.e.I noticed on Faithbook that my goddess has an “It’s complicated” relationship status with the god Cotzbalam. I wonder what exactly that means?
Day 1895 g.e.Of all the possible monsters that I could have tamed as a pet, WHY Almighty did you destine me to get a Talking Donkey?? That’s it, I’m off to town to buy some earplugs. Or hot coals, that might be a viable second option.
Day 1906 g.e.Was facing off against a Nimble Auriferous Bossferatu with 3 other hero{|in}es, but it seems their god{||desse}s either fell asleep or ran out of godpower. Slowly they fell, one-by-one, until I was the last one standing. With the aid of my Almighty One, I finally slew the great beast and even had to hire a part-time henchman “Noddy” to help me haul the motherload of all treasure troves back home: 13564 gold, Eye of the Bossferatu, 2 gold bricks and 13 other artifacts!
[Date obscured by Talking Donkey drool]Decided to leave the random guild that I joined when I turned 12, and head somewhere with better prospects. Hmm… hadn’t realized there were so many guilds to choose from. I’m too lazy to read up on what each guild is about, so let’s just scan through the Pantheon of Popularity and see which one has the punniest name. Guildy Pleasures, hehe, they sound like a funny bunch. Ready or not, here I come!
Day 1920 g.e.After the relentless lightning-powered brick melts and whacking me on the head with a Hammer of Realignment, my goddess has reached #1 on the Pantheon of Destruction. Such an amazing feat, I can’t help but feel awed –– and fearful, and scorched, and …
Day 1932 g.e.Noticed that my goddess was mentioned in the Godville Times today! I suddenly feel like the child of a celebrity… Can’t wait to gloat and showboat when I get to the tavern!
Day 1943 g.e.Wow, I must have some hidden skill for being the sole survivor of epic boss battles. This time, I stood alone over the dead body of an Overhearing Hulking Enlightened Bossferatu! Hauled away a ridiculous load of 12731 gold coins, hoof of the Bossferatu, three golden bricks, and ten other artifacts. Activating the Philosopher’s Stone (with 11 other bold items in inventory) even gave me an additional 3 gold bricks!
Day 1960 g.e.Woah, my goddess has been featured on the Godville Times again; this time for corrections in the ER. That’s the emergency room at the hospital, right? I didn’t know my goddess was a part-time surgeon…
Day 1961 g.e.Wow, second day in a row! What is going on with those Godville Times editors??
Day 1975 g.e.And yet again, it seems that my goddess is spending more time in this “ER” thing than she is at paying attention to what I’m doing.
[Date obliterated by beer stains]Some noob accidently flooded the guild hall basement again. Since the jerk immediately high-tailed it out of town, the Guild Leader ordered all of us to clean it up instead. In a spat of procrastination, followed by a stroke of divine inspiration, I hijacked an entire wagonload of “instant beer” powder, unloaded it into the basement, and all hell broke loose. Wow, I have never seen our guild members sooo wasted before. Guildy Pleasures, indeed.
[Date has been scorched off by lightsaber teeth marks]Haha, finally got rid of that dumb talking donkey! My new pet isn’t rideable as I’d hoped, but when Olwyn bites me, the wounds are self-cauterizing! Lightsaber-toothed tigers are so totally badass.
Day 2013 g.e.It’s been a few months now, and I’ve decided to bid my good friends farewell and advance my career by going out to see the world. First stop, my new guild hall, இ Asylum.
Day 2019 g.e.WOAH! I’ve been featured on the Godville Times! Who would’ve thought. I must have done some serious bribing while I was at the tavern last night… [Chutzpahtl – 38th-level adventurer, member of the “Asylum” guild, with the motto “¡¡nus-nus ʎq ɥʇɐǝⱭ ✔”, stands at the 106th position in the pantheon of gratitude under the vigilant supervision of the goddess Tlazolteteo. He was known to distribute counterfeit Godville invites during his youth.]
Day 2022 g.e.Seriously considering recording my goddess’ newspaper mentions with a running tally instead of copying down all the details…
Day 2038 g.e.On an apparently nonsensical whim, my Goddess came across an equally nonsensical post amongst the Godville Forums and I am now compelled to change guilds. Not just to any other guild, but The Guild. I do have the odd feeling that I will like it around here, though.
Day 2057 g.e.Hallelujah!! Finally completed this darned temple. Man, this took forever. Time to go celebrate in the tavern! Wait, what’s this about needing to build a boat??
Day 2058 g.e.Not at all motivated by procrastination, I’ve come up with an insidious plan to incorporate my Goddess’ newly completed temple as part of the currently-in-construction The Guild guild hall. This should greatly increase the traffic through the temple, and hence, more visitor donations!
Day 2349 g.e.Died and unlocked the Martyr (2nd Rank) achievement while working on the epic quest “Become a martyr and live to tell about it”! I guess I succeeded! XD
Day 2379 g.e.After much soul searching, I decided that The Guild was actually too nonsensical for my liking (and that’s an impressive feat to accomplish). I shall return back to my home guild, Guildy Pleasures. Now I can settle down and get my final Careerist medal!
Day 2389 g.e.HAHA! My incessant petitions to my Goddess to alleviate my burdens have finally paid off. Tlazolteteo finally got off her lazy bum and created a Goddess article on GodWiki. Now that the ridiculously long list of newpaper mentions has been transferred over there, my Chronicles have gotten sooo much lighter than before!
Day 2405 g.e.Egads! My dear Solar Bear has fallen in battle! My goddess, please help me save Fang before it’s too late!
Day 2406 g.e.After a night of abasement and grovelling (mostly in the taverns, but that’s another story), my goddess had finally intervened. Just as I was kneeling down to pray at the temple, I was unceremoniously thrown into a Dungeon – my first one ever. You would not believe how many times I got lost in that darned cave. Luckily, with the help of a stranger leading the charge, we managed to fight our way over to the treasure. Not only did we find enough gold to heal Fang, but I also found a log for the ark, and even made a new friend. Tonight, let us drink to the eternal health of pets everywhere!
Day 2463 g.e.Wow, despite my questionable sense of responsibility, Fang somehow managed to stick by me long enough to become Level 30 today! And we even got an Animalist bronze medal to show for it. I think I’ll hang it in my Goddess’ temple. What a great day. Fang, I hope you live long and prosper.
Day 2411 g.e.No matter how much I pleaded and prayed for the past few days, my Goddess did not respond, and poor Fang has lost all his levels. This was really poor timing for you to go AFK, Great One. So soon after reaching Lv30 too, what a pity. Oh well, he has been my faithful companion for all this time, and will continue to be going forward.
Day 2416 g.e.How could you, Great One?! Why did you make me send Fang away? He was my best friend! You don’t think about my feelings at all! I hate you!!
Day 2627 g.e.A log! A thousandth log! I’m even ready for a flood now. Not that I’m asking for it, Mighty One. No seriously, please don’t make it flood right now. The guild is out of instant beer powder at the moment.
Day 2630 g.e.What a weird day. So I had this Aura of Curiosity around me from defeating a special monster, and was just going about my day, selling junk at Timia’s “Mo ‘n Mo” shop. I suddenly noticed that I actually had a Hexcavator at the bottom of my bag, and had a strange compulsion to start poking it. Before I knew what was happening, a ginormous boss monster burst through the basement and started tearing the shop apart. Good thing Timia used to be a hero too, so we both knew the best strategies for hiding when danger is present. Luckily the city guard arrived and quickly took out the boss. With all the commotion and subsequent congratulatory pats on the backs, I managed to discreetly nab an absolute vacuum cleaner and an improbability drive from its corpse. Then barely a minute later, I had another sudden compulsion to start poking the improbability drive. Yes, I knew the last time didn’t turn out that well, but I really couldn’t help myself. What’s the worst that could happen, right? The improbability drive suddenly fell apart. Three tribbles that appeared to live inside immediately moved into my backpack. Oh Goddess, what have I done?!
Day 2668 g.e.Wanted to go dungeoning together with Kizu Maiazu today. We were standing side-by-side when suddenly he was yanked away by another group of adventurers. How rude! I waited and waited but no one else showed up to dungeon with me. What a bummer. Well, at least Kizu Maiazu made it through without a scratch — thanks Hershey Almighty for the help!
Well, in lieu of that, I ended up going sailing for the first time and caught a manimal and crate with 1 supply left! I guess sometimes the universe can be nice too.
Day 3354 g.e.Wow, it feels like a blink of an eye, but it’s already been 4 years since I came to Godville. Great day to party — first of all, it’s my birthday. Seconds — the drinks are free today!
Day 3469 g.e.01:55 PM Most Righteous One, I just re-counted the pairs and I think the ark now has a thousand of them. We’re not going to cram another thousand in there, are we?
Day 4321 g.e.It’s alive… It’s alive, it’s moving, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE!
Say hello to my newest lab creation, Spider Pig (223%)!
Day 4354 g.e.Wrote down the thousandth word into the holy book, took a deep breath and snapped my numb fingers. Hallelujah, my Lord, the great work is done!
2023/04/01❕ Most Righteous One, urgent news: everyone is expecting great feats from me today! To achieve greatness, they say one must do the trivial. Do something, will you?
🏆 Judges listened to my bragging and awarded me a rotten soul and a filthy soul for the first three great feats I accomplished today. Then they reminded me that the feats promotion is only valid for today, asked me to step down from the pedestal and hurry to perform the next trio.
Day 4781 g.e.Observed the thought, “Guess what, Chutzpahtl? You are 8 years old today! Congrats on surviving this long” and let it go.
➥ Happy birthday to me! A gift for myself will be this huge chunk of experience and for you I’ll offer this holy powercell, Almighty.
Day 4920 g.e.Oh my god, can’t believe that I saved all this money! Finally I can have my very own shop!
Opened the shop and rang a bell next to the cash register to get some attention.
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