My name is Raven George. Raven, from the black bird of doom, George, because I think my goddess isn’t really immaginati… Okay, Okay, My goddess is the greatest one ever. Please don’t hit me with lightning bolts again?
I could say that I used to be a hobo. Now, after I turned into my goddess’s champion, I’m still a hobo, but now with a mission. Mostly my mission was avoiding all manner of unpleasant things normal humans don’t encounter every day, lightning bolts hitting twice, fissures that seem to follow me wherever I went, and monsters. The monsters were the worst among them. I got attacked by monsters wherever I go, or wander, or even when I tried to go to the next town for a drink (mostly to avoid all my bar tabs from the previous town).
Well luckily for me, all those unpleasant things that seem to follow me around? They kept getting turned towards the monster chasing me at the time.
I wanted to be the most evil person there was. The reason was that it seemed that evil overlords were allowed to grow moustaches without looking stupid. Yes, I tried all evil deeds, I stole candy from babies… with great difficulty, and I still had bite marks from the 3 month old I stole from earlier. I also get “free balloons” and popped them in front of the children and listened to their screams of anguish… I tried to kick a puppy once, but I think I still need to be more evil to do so. Awww those cute puppy eyes. . . In order to help me with my dreams of world domination, I decided to get myself my own minion. The first one was a ninja tortoise, named “Cupel”, I showed my dominance by beating him in a marathon… barely, and that was when I decided I really need to lose weight. I fired him however when I found out that he was the one stealing pizzas when I was drinking in the taverns.The second minion of mine was a ball-point penguin named "Dogmeat. That one was a nasty piece of work, he drove the monsters down into submission by quoting the restrictions in the “Hero’s protection Act”. The only reason why he became my minion was because I didn’t understand or care about the things he was saying, though I’m not sure who led who. I fired him when he started to bill me for overtime… I mean, there are 24 hours in a day, and the accepted working hours is 8- 12 hours, this left me with no more gold to buy beer.
The third minion of mine was a solar bear named “Pumba”. He became my minion when I accidentally hugged him thinking he was an oversized teddy bear. Never knew that 2 weeks of not taking a bath can cause them to get knocked unconscious…
With the help of my old and current minions, I finally finished the temple to her evil grace. I’m sure I needed to put up some gruesome tapestries, like that one with rainbows and unicorns, and maybe even sinister looking torches leading to the dungeon. However, my goddess’s high priest advised against it. He told me that tapestries will destroy the view from the windows, and the smoke from the torches caused him allergies, not to mention the temple had no dungeons. Sensing my goddess’s displeasure with the lack of decor, I had a brilliant idea. Or, at least someone else had, and I copied it, I hope my goddess isn’t reading this. I needed to build an ark, because I was pretty sure she’ll decide to flood the world somehow. Besides, the ark will be a good tourist attraction. Who said I didn’t think for the future? Well, off to get wood.