Written by His Holiness, Stickyorder, bits scribbled out edited to sound more heroic by Oromis.
Note: This hero’s name has been changed, so don’t be confused by him being referred to by his previous names. It will be explained in due course.
Born: 10th March 2013
Introduction:
This hero, Lord Wafflington, is the prophet of the Infinity Waffles, travelling Godville and preaching waffles to the world, hoping that some day, the rest of the world can be taught to love waffles as much his guild tells him he has to.
Before he became such a devoted prophet of waffles, Lord Wafflington was known as Ezio Pesto, who was a kind-hearted, but very unlucky and unheroic hero. However, all this has changed since he was brainwashed discovered by Stickyorder. Hours of worship, and being the test subject for many waffles, has caused him to become Lord Wafflington. When he isn’t faffing about being heroic, Lord Wafflington relaxes and samples the Waffle Wednesday Menu. Feel free to join us at the Infinity Waffles!
Waffle Wednesday hosted occasionally on a Wednesday! Anyone can enter! Lord Wafflington will be smote if not enough interest is generated.
Pets:
Lord Wafflington has always wanted a companion and went through three or four, but somewhat failed to learn that, unlike heroes, they cannot live on an alcoholic diet, and they do need to be washed occasionally. These first few pets were quickly released back into the wild to avoid further mistreatment. Eventually, Lord Wafflington “tamed” a beast who could not be mistreated – indeed, it was more likely to mistreat him. Felix, the Double Dragon, is less of a pet, and more of a companion than any person or monster that Lord Wafflington had ever encountered, and besides – who was he to tell a Double Dragon that they couldn’t tag along? Since then, they have become close friends, and have aged together, learning (slowly) and adventuring.
A strange festive event from a far-away religion has captured the interest of Lord Wafflington and he has gracefully been given Stickyorder’s express permission to partake in this event. The only condition is that he achieves the animalist medal. To work on this, Felix has been given a break in the ark. He will return to continue his levelling, but for now Lord Wafflington is enduring the stratches and scuffles that come with taming and levelling Cinammon the Santa Claws (who uses those mighty claws to resist any attempt to remove him from the ark, except when there’s Christmas puddings available in December).
Currently, Syrup the Alpha Centaur is the pet of choice, whilst the other pets relax in the ark and pray that Lord Wafflington avoids sinking it too often. It’s hard work maintaining that musky, zoo-like odour.
Pairs:
Somehow, Lord Wafflington has shoved 1000 pairs of creatures into ark. We don’t know why. We don’t know what they are. We have no clue what to do with them all.
So, he is ignoring that issue and has decided to start gathering scraps of dead bosses to construct his own boss.
Stickyorder is currently debating whether to humour him with divine influence and bring it to life, or whether to simply send him to the guild psychiatrist and find a new prophet.
Boss:
Well, the guild psychiatrist was hit by a stray bolt of lightning and became a bit of a raving loony, who decided to join the laboratory efforts, stitching together the scraps of boss that Lord Wafflington dragged back from the dungeons. Stickyorder promptly gave up and used some divine power to bring Exoskeletor to life! The guild psychiatrist was apparently sacrificed in this process. Now the boss just lurks in the lab, with the shutters down and the lights off. Silently. Which is creepy and so Lord Wafflington has now refused to enter to lab. Instead, he is claiming to be writing a “holy book.”
How original.
Book:
Apparently the book is either written in Lord Wafflington’s sleep or when Exoskeletor returns from the datamine (Stickyorder found a way to put him to work) with a glyph and a boss coin. Conveniently, Lord Wafflington gets a break when this happens…
Stickyorder is highly suspicious of what seems like completely made-up rubbish, yet the book does appear to be progressing. As to what it’ll contain given the continuous writing of the diary and whether it’ll make any sense, we’ll have to wait and see.
New year, new hero… (2022)
Stickyorder made his own waffles and decided that perhaps infinite waffles wasn’t so wise after all. That’s certainly not an admission a god can be wrong – we just have to move with the times. So, where does that leave Lord Wafflington? Well, in short, no longer waffling. Readers may disagree. After a long and happy career at the Infinity Waffles, its time to take his “talents” on tour. The Ankh-Morpork City Watch always look pretty hungry…
Don’t cross out this next bit, Lord Wafflington, I mean it.
Whilst doing a review of the state of affairs, how did this hero become a Lord? Stickyorder certainly didn’t bestow this title upon him and in the Watch, you have to earn your titles. It has now been redacted and Lord Wafflington is to now be known as Oromis.
Oromis is the name of a wise and tactful mentor from the Inheritence fantasy book series. Hopefully Oromis the hero will live up to that. Seems unlikely.
Syrup (the Alpha Centaur) doesn’t appear to be a huge fan of no longer having waffles for every meal, so has stockpiled plenty in the ark. It’s likely the only reason that the shoddily-built contraption floats. He will be hibernating inside until he runs out, making room for… (new pet to come!)
Spreading my wings:
Stickyorder sent Oromis to the Blue Feather guild to get some experience with other heroes and heroines before joining the Watch. There’s donuts everywhere, which seems like a pretty good replacement for waffles. Actually, Oromis, you’re looking a little wider round the middle, get back out on the road! It’s all pretty new and exciting, so more updates to come.
Stickyorder wants a coaching achievement, so Oromis is now attempting to challenge and fight all of his guildmates. It may be ruffling some feathers.
Unexpected promos by Head Coach, Miralew, are creepy helpful:
15:55 Strange words floated by in a puff of smoke: “Stickyorder wants to spar. He will buy you a brand new car. He’s from the UK, not too far. Jump on in and be a star.”
A brief holiday, to scout out the next place of employment:
07:51 What have we here? Ankh-Morpork? I’ll buy a fridge magnet.
Ankh-Morpork City Watch:
Apparently the Watch takes practically everyone, thankfully with no questions asked. Had to flee Blue Feather at some pace after they were rather upset about Oromis’ new blue pillows.
Retirement & Shopkeeping:
After nearly 10 years of being terrible at killing and looting monsters, Oromis has finally saved enough to join the increasing numbers of hero-traders. Little does he know, it means more godpower for Stickyorder. A name for the store is still pending and who knows what it’ll sell. It remains to be seen if retirement will suit this ageing dinosaur or if the urge to die embarassingly and continuously in the wild will prevail. Given it took 36 hours to get him to actually attend his new store, prospects are not looking hopeful.
07:59 Sudden divine enlightenment kindly let me know that the real name of my shop is “Sticky’s Sticks”. Thanks, Great One.
After weeks of bribery and blackmail, the Godville Times has finally ran some promotions for the store!
“Sticky’s Sticks” and Oromis are personally buying up a perpetual emotion machine in unlimited quantities. Hurry up.
Will pay five times your trophy’s value. Bring an improbability drive to “Sticky’s Sticks” in Godville and ask for Oromis.
Also due some retirement is Exoskeletor. He once looked impressive, but constant bashing and bumping in the datamine have left his stiches loose; his multiple parts are rotten and crumbly. A touch more care has been taken with his replacement and Chocolate Moose is ready for dungeoneers, as the book is nearly complete.
Writer’s Block:
Unable to think of any further narrative, the book has been published! Needless to say, the GoodReads reviews are terrible. Now, Stickyorder is “master” of the dungeons and will be able to design his own. Already, AFK gods are finding their heroes have perished at his design and Oromis’ boss monster. Ha!
Meanwhile, Oromis has starting feeling bad about the half a million monsters and multiple thousand boss monsters slain and so has started collecting souls. To what end, even Stickyorder doesn’t know.
As with every chronicle To be continued… and never completed.
FYI: Stickyorder is my main account, and my only current alternate account is Stickychaos.