keeping a journal of my life for when I am famous and someone writes my biography. I am sure will be really soon! march 12- hierarch march 15-leve
07:03: While I was making my way out of the graveyard I bumped into a zombie. Poor fellow, his god hasn’t done a very good job at resurrecting him…
07:01: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But the third time? I’m not sure where to put the shame.
10:12: Carried Oy on my shoulders, so that he could see over the tall grass and alert me to possible danger. So far he’s alerted me to a ball of yarn, a dead pigeon and a lady trojan horse… 07:00: Are you sure you want gold bricks, Almighty? Look at these lovely copper bricks: less expensive, and they even turn a pretty green after it rains.
12:54: Glued a sword handle to a large rock, then sat back and watched other heroes waste their time pulling on it as I giggled to myself. Had a fun couple of hours.
10:58: Learned that hiding from the Spice Worm in poison ivy is a really bad idea. Farewell, hard and cruel world!
03:13: Panicked a little when I mistook my reflection for a monster. Panicked a lot when I realized that that’s what I look like now. Back to the town, for a mud bath and a seaweed wrap!
07:28: Spent 502 coins on an extra spicy meal to impress the other heroes in the tavern. Had to quickly gulp down the contents of Oy’s milk bowl to douse my burning mouth. Sorry, my sweet, hungry biowolf!
06:24: Carried Oy on my shoulders, so that he could see over the tall grass and alert me to possible danger. So far he’s alerted me to a ball of yarn, a dead pigeon and a lady biowolf…
01:10: Dug a deep trap for unsuspecting monsters, but it’s quickly filling up with angry heroes. Perhaps setting it in the middle of the road wasn’t such a good idea.
08:53: With its dying breath, the Horseless Headsman casted a concussion aura and died. Oh no…
08:57: TЯIPPED OVEЯ A ЯOCK. HAD A ИICE ИAP.
08:57: THE CELEЯУ STALKEЯ COMPLAIИED AИD DEMAИDED MУ HEЯOIC LICEИSE ИUMBEЯ AИD GODVILLE ЯEGISTЯATIOИ. I BLASTED IT IИ THE HEAD. IT WAS A BOЯIИG COИVEЯSATIOИ AИУWAУ.
08:53: FELL IИTO SOMEOИE’S TЯAP AИD WAS BADLУ IИJUЯED.
09:30: While lying in a bush, a Shadow of a Doubt thoughtfully repeated: ‘there is enough LSD in your pocket to trip forever. take it. now.’. Weird.
11:31: It seems that Oy has managed to train his fleas. Maybe I’m going mad, but I think that I just saw them praying to him!
02:55: Was rewarded with a golden brick for bragging about killing a wanted monster. Trojan Horse, rest in peace!
10:09: I hate it when people ask me if i got here safely. No. I died many times.
06:59: Got to Los Adminos. The corrupt guard at the city gate demanded to see my artifacts to extort “taxes” on them. Showed him my weapon instead; He felt sorry and let me in.
07:16: Heard two people yelling ‘Oh God!’ over and over from behind a bush. I wish I was that religious, Great One.
07:22: Found a pinch of salt. Don’t really need it, so I tossed it over my shoulder.
11:36: Held a minute of silence for heroes who died in battle. Then held a minute of noise for heroes who have been resurrected.
07:21: Opened my fortune cookie and read my fortune. ‘You will be attacked soon’. These things are never true…
11:02: Slept on the floor because Oy hogs the bed.
11:23: If I set this corn field on fire, will I have a big pile of popcorn?
02:04: I drew a picture of you, Great One. Could you stick it to your heavenly fridge?
07:18: Why are these little styrofoam pieces called peanuts? They taste horrible.
10:24: They say carnivorous plants lure their prey with irresistible scents. That’s absurd! Oh, look at that strange flower… do I smell beer?
02:28: I can’t believe I’m level 39 already. People tell me that I look much younger though, and I still act like a total noob.
06:35: I’m worried that my biowolf is hanging with a bad crowd, what should I do, Soul Supreme?
07:48: ‘Watch where you tread!’ the monster said. He hit my head; I may have bled. I turned and fled. My face is red, but I’m not dead!
04:01: The Traffic Clone was beaten to death. I found 9 gold coins and an abominable snowcone.
08:51: Ran with scissors. Nearly died.
10:32: Need to head back to town to heal, but honestly, Omnipotent One, don’t worry about it. I like my face better this way – the blatant disfiguration really gives me character.
12:57: Stumbled across a sign that read: ‘Now would be a good time to panic!’
07:12: Suddenly felt a flash of burning heat that melted my coins into a golden brick. My pocket is not a foundry, Great One, but thanks anyway.
10:18: As the air crackled with energy, my purse jerked and lightened. Oy coughed and abruptly yakked up an enormous hairball. Gleaming in the grey mess was a perfect golden brick! Oy belched contentedly and sat down to groom himself.
10:24: Taught my pet to perform some simple tricks. It seems that Oy has already mastered the “Pretend to be confused” command.
11:15: Oy’s just shed his skin! Wait, does a biowolf do that? Anyway, it looks bigger and meaner now. And clean.
11:11: Dear Diary, I have elected to employ greater formality in my record-keeping. I trust this meets with your favor. Regards, Plornk.
04:31: The town doctor told me that I was emotionally unstable. Punched him in the face, then huddled on the ground to cry.
07:15: Came across a bunch of flamboyant vampires and overgrown wolves arguing over some girl. Looked pretty lame. Kept walking.
10:47: Following a sudden desire, I peeked into my knapsack and found three bold trophies missing, but fortunately discovered three golden bricks in their place. That’s what I call a true miracle!
11:39: My bag suddenly caught on fire. I dropped it and quickly stomped out the flames. Nothing seems to be damaged but I found a new golden brick!
04:13: Hmm, Oy the biowolf… The name doesn’t exactly strike fear into your heart. Maybe I should have called him Kernival?
10:30: I wanted to buy a cool new piece of equipment, but apparently I’m not at a high enough level to wear it. Wearing clothing is harder than I thought.
11:14: Suddenly felt a strong desire to examine the continuum transfunctioner. My senses didn’t let me down — found 2454 coins inside!
10:40: Screw this quest. I’m going home.
10:55: Something exploded in my trophy case. I fainted for a moment and recovered to find myself in the busy streets of the capital.
07:08: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No… It’s a dragon… A big dragon… A big, hungry-looking dragon… I’ll just run away now.
07:03: A wandering monk saw my pet and said something about training, carrots and sticks… Oy suddenly became anxious. I wonder why?
01:24: Had a bite of something lying on the roadside… Didn’t taste very good.
01:16: Started fighting that dark presence… And then I realised it was just my shadow.
07:02: Saw another hero sleeping in the sun. Wrote “Clickety click.” on his forehead in sunblock, then ran off giggling.
07:44: Good news! The doctor just found traces of blood in my alcohol system.
11:30: How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a camp fire?
09:10: Yea, as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. Unless, however, I am very low on health… in which case I’m allowed to hide and quiver in a bush somewhere.
08:06: I know you’re real, Almighty. You shout louder than all the other voices in my head.
Licking his wounds, finding them strangely tasty…
07:36: I successfully completed my quest to sew a stitch in time. Looted treasure – check! Slain princess – check! Rescued dragon – check… Whoops! There might have been some small confusion. I’d better get rid of the evidence…
12:41: I successfully completed my quest to start a fight in the war room. Looted treasure – check! Slain princess – check! Rescued dragon – check… Whoops! There might have been some small confusion. I’d better get rid of the evidence…
08:23: Omnipotent One, I seem to have misplaced my head. Is it nearby?
06:19: Suddenly felt like I had to examine the box with a question mark. Shook it, rubbed it, but nothing happened. Annoyed, tried to break it with a golden brick… Now I have neither.
11:23: Suddenly felt the urge to disassemble the deus ex machina in the hopes of finding something useful inside. Bad idea – right in the middle of the process a spiteful gremlin jumped out of it, grabbed 662 gold coins from my pocket and ran away.
11:39: Suddenly felt an irresistible desire to take apart the deus ex machina and found 3563 gold coins inside. Now that’s the intuition of a true hero!
11:12: Suddenly felt the urge to disassemble the continuum transfunctioner in the hopes of finding something useful inside. Bad idea – right in the middle of the process a spiteful gremlin jumped out of it, grabbed 784 coins from my pocket and ran away. 11:08: Just heard a strange rustling coming from my knapsack and found three bold trophies missing, but fortunately discovered three golden bricks in their place.
11:48: A new guild in town was doing some kind of promotion and rewarded me with a small portion of experience. Yay, free stuff!
11:42: I told the healer I hear voices in my head telling me to do things. For some reason he nodded wisely and gave me some medication.
02:36: Paid 840 gold coins to the veterinarian for a routine pet checkup. The vet collected a box of tamed fleas from his fur and told him not to do that again.
Got 5073 coins for the priceless gift…
11:03: These constant resurrections are wreaking havoc on my social life.
06:46: I had to grovel at the merchant’s feet to buy this golden brick. That was a bit humiliating.
07:53: Saw another hero sleeping in the sun. Wrote “Clickety click.” on his forehead in sunblock, then ran off giggling.
07:40: A choir of angels appeared from nowhere and burst into beautiful song. Thanks for the entertainment, Almighty!
07:40: Suddenly, I felt as free as a bird… I talked to the wind and my words were carried away… Oh, this vision was amazing, my Lord!
06:23: Worst. Death. Ever.
03:39: The Santa Claws bag jumped out of my backpack, fell to the ground, started to sizzle, and slowly transformed into a golden brick. Yay!
07:14: Oy suddenly flew into a rage and breathed fire at the opponent. We were all shocked, even Oy himself. What other hidden talents does my pet have?
07:09: Oy sat on the sidelines, fluttering his eyelashes and looking super cute. As soon as the monster’s back was turned, Oy struck it from behind with a tire iron. Good biowolf, you’re always so crafty.
10:32: The Ironing Man claimed to be too weird to live, but too rare to die. Oy didn’t understand a word of it and simply continued to gnaw on the monster’s leg.
09:50: A flock of pristine white doves appear over head. Thanks Soul Supreme, that’s beautiful n’all, but I prefer more valuable help!
11:04: Had some fun at “The Mended Drum.” Spent 3939 gold coins.
10:43: Checked my pulse to make sure I’m still dead.
07:01: Mysterious forces created a golden brick in my wallet. Almighty One, was that your doing?
06:44: Just spent 1113 gold coins on a new coin bag! Now I have to find some coins to carry in it.
04:50: Desperately praying and sacrificing, I made a small miracle and resurrected my pet. Oy, I’m so glad to see you!
11:52: Suddenly felt a strong urge to open the mystery box. I shouldn’t have — there was a note inside saying that 737 points of my experience were achieved by dishonest means and would be confiscated until further notice.
09:12 Accidentally burned down a magical forest. Good thing it was magical. It grew right back.
10:42: A couple of townsfolk recalled my guild miracles and gave me a pouchful of experience.
06:34: The local monks said that the Great One is busy at the moment and cannot answer my prayers. What a pity.
05:59: They had nothing in my size. It was tragic!
06:37: I think I am lost on this island. Lost. Completely and utterly lost.
11:32: Suddenly, coming from the nearby hills, there was a roar: ’ PI$#HVn 3wuogx;bo83ugckjahbnSDHN#PIXHYj’de12o8yx423g ufoehgbuHRF$#*CT H$#PJFEi♥.’ Who’s there?
05:14: Got a V.I.P./R.I.P. card from Death. It reads: ‘Since you already know your way around, make yourself comfortable’.
10:06: Walked into the local tavern, spat on the floor, knocked over a chair, glared intensely at everyone in the room and asked for a glass of chocolate milk.
06:10: In order to sell something unneeded, one has to get something unneeded first.
11:39: Lost the last hope of resurrecting my pet. Good bye, Gleep. I promise to find a new best friend in your memory!
08:30: Oh dear, I really need to save up some gold coins to resurrect Gleep before it’s too late…
Hoping food will fall from the sky and gold coins will grow on trees…
“Oh, how could I have missed the emergency exit! Let’s put this guy here…”
07:49: Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
08:47: I’m frightened of these scary voices. Going back to the nearest town to get a new pair of pants.
02:48: That does it! Great One, can you make me a tree in my next life?
10:47: Following a sudden desire, I peeked into my knapsack and couldn’t find two bold trophies, but found two golden bricks instead. That’s what I call a true miracle!
07:17: Great One, I love the way you stage fights to make me look hopelessly outclassed, and then show you’ve got everything under control by saving me in the nick of time… because you do have everything under control, right?
08:09: Studied the tinsel pack, pulled the imperceptible ring… and it disappeared with a clap. Hey, where’s my gift?
11:06: Shouted “Clean up in aisle 4!” and quickly left before anyone could figure out who let the elephant into the shop.
07:24: Hey, where’s my pen? Never mind, it was in my hand…
Suddenly realized that to become the 220th member of the guild “Mother North” doesn’t sound heroic enough for my chronicles. Thank you, Almighty, that could have been a real stain on my reputation!
07:18: A heavy book fell from the sky onto my head. Well, I’m a bit more clever now, though my head aches like hell.
08:37: My wallet suddenly inflated and started to vibrate, like it was going to erupt a golden brick. But then it limped and wilted. I guess it didn’t have enough gold…
11:01 Noticed a notice on a notice board by the road saying: ‘If you notice this notice, you’ll notice that this notice is noticeably not worth noticing’. Why did I take the time to notice that?
11:17 I diligently rubbed myself against the Santa Claws bag until it completely disappeared, making me perfectly healthy. Neat.
03:34 Suddenly praystation transformed into a shiny blue box and swept away into the sky. I guess Great One also collects bricks…
07:42: Suddenly found Dillybar among my friends. Exalted One, was that your doing? What if we won’t like each other?
09:55: Met a suspicious stranger in the tavern. He mumbled something about a secret religious organization in need of a brave hero who could find the true meaning of Christmas. Here I am! 11:10: Wondering how many pages of my diary I’ve wasted writing down useless sentences like this one.
06:42: During our last rest stop, Gleep performed some gothic dances in honor of the god of monsters. Please forgive him, Omnipotent One.
09:50: I had a strange dream – a zombie wanted to eat my brains. It lumbered over, knocked on my head a few times, then mumbled something in disappointment and walked away. Weird.
02:00: Bought a golden brick for my god’s temple. It truly was difficult to make that much money.
11:14: Saw a blood-drenched altar inside an ominous pentagram. A sign nearby read ‘Step in and make yourself comfortable’.
03:39: Omnipotent One, I’m dead! Don’t you know any cheat codes?
01:29: Today I tried to cheat death, but I had the wrong cheat codes.
06:18: I didn’t know that Gleep moos while he sleeps. What a silly pet.
06:17: Ha, pillows are for wimps! Last night I slept on a turtle.
08:09: Screw this quest. I’m going home.
Fairy’s tail
10:58: So where’s the nearest store? I’d like to get rid of this boring, tinkling gold. 10:57: You know, Exalted One, maybe I’d listen to you if you listened to me. Where was that hotdog I asked for yesterday, huh? I starved because of you.
07:19: There was a full moon last night. All that moonlight was a bit eerie, but after howling for a while with Gleep I felt much better.
07:47: I’ve been wondering, how do I fit all of this loot into my pants and how do these monsters carry it all?
12:48: I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Dust Bunny, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Gleep. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.
05:51: The afterlife isn’t too bad, but it’s not to die for.
11:48: Found a field full of ripe poppies. Hours passed completely unnoticed.
11:06: Passed by a billboard with the engraving: ‘Trollbridge – now with blackjack and hookers!’
10:43: In order to sell something unneeded, one has to get something unneeded first.
11:03: I was walking along a path when I noticed a long trail of wilted flowers behind me… I believe it’s time for a bath.
05:37: A bottle of vodka, a bear in a fur hat, a balalaika, oh my… What a strange dream that was!
02:43: My quest to ‘return junk mail to sender’ was a triumph! I’m making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. Got a golden brick too.
11:00: I’m feeling uncomfortably numb… Exalted One, can you help me?
07:19: I diligently rubbed myself against the gift of fate until it completely disappeared, making me perfectly healthy. Neat.
07:16: Curses! Those sneaky hobbits robbed me again! Where is my invite to Godville?!
03:02: For a huge pile of gold coins I bought just one single golden brick. But it was worth every coin! I must say that this is the perfect form for each and every lump of gold.
10:03: Lost 877 coins gambling in the local tavern. At least this time I kept my pants!
10:49: My silly dust bunny got under my feet, and I almost stepped right on him. Bess, don’t get on my nerves!
10:02: Tried to tone down my magnetic personality – attracting too many monsters with big swords and bigger axes.
10:09: I just saw the violence inherent in the system.
10:13: Bess almost leapt off a cliff while chasing a half-dead monster that was fleeing from someone very scary. Oh, what if he had fallen?!
07:05: A wandering monk told me that today is Black Friday. What does it even mean?
08:28: Bought a golden brick for my god’s temple. It truly was difficult to make that much money.
07:49: Just found a book lying in the mud. Hey, it’s my diary!
11:00: I stopped by the graveyard to listen to the screamin’ blues of wights. I must say, they’re quite impressive.
08:46: Stuck in crouch mode.
04:19: Suddenly, there was news about a golden calf grazing in a field near Los Adminos. Mighty One, was that your handiwork? I took this opportunity and declared it a sacred symbol of the “The Crew That Never Rests” guild.
03:34: Notes from the battlefield: Uradawar is defeated. Plornk added 1704 coins to his treasury. Plornk now has a bottle of firewater, a blank grocery list, a ‘Monsters’ Rights Movement’ pamphlet, a piece of grey matter, an unbreakable emergency glass, an unbreakable egg, a lock of Uradawar’s hair and a golden brick for the temple at his disposal.
01:47: Thunder rumbled ominously across the sky. Did you have curry last night, my Lord? 06:35: Screw this quest. I’m going home. 06:48: Stepped on a pile of sticks and discovered a hole underneath them. Nothing interesting down there though.
10:07: I just woke up in the middle of the street with some little kid poking me with a stick. He said I was snoring…
09:26: Picked a dandelion and blew on it for luck. Not a good idea when the wind is blowing in your face.
07:57: Tired of going to the bathroom outside. Heading to town.
05:07: Found out that toxic waste doesn’t give you superpowers.
04:02: Curses! Those sneaky hobbits robbed me again! Where is my invite to Godville?!
09:59: Felt a burning desire to disassemble the mystery box. Found a notarized document inside stating that I’ve died fewer times than I thought. Splendid.
08:20: What’s the deal, Mighty One? I passed another coffee shop with a mermaid sign. That’s like five in a row already.
06:57: I’m sorry, Great One, but my last few entries were complete lies. I just wanted my life to seem more interesting.
11:17: I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Dust Bunny, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Bess. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.
10:07: Okay, okay! I get it… No need to be so vindictive, Great One! 12:21: Rubbed the lunar powered sundial vigorously in hopes of summoning a genie. Smoke started coming out of it. Just a little more… EEEP! It’s on fire! It burns! It hurts!
“Oh, what an interesting little thing…”
07:35: I wasn’t retreating from the battle, Most Righteous One. Just realized that it’s laundry day and I need some clean underwear.
02:33: Found 238 gold coins in a pot near the construction site. Wow, my temple already has some followers!
01:27: I can’t believe that I’m lugging around the body of my dead Sparky. I either need to revive it or find a good taxidermist.
06:27: Parrots in the main square declared: ‘Raise your pet from the dead all Stephen King style!’
08:29: Ha, pillows are for wimps! Last night I slept on a turtle.
08:06: Repaired my equipment with masking tape and glue. They’re commonly found in the wild.
Trying to order a pizza via a Ouija board…
03:53: Sparky tossed 7 coins into the donations cup. I wonder where he got that money? Oh well, it’s not important. To your glory, my Lord!
11:30: Looked at the sun, hoping to get a glimpse of the Almighty. Now my eyes hurt.
11:47: Dear Omnipotent One, nothing to report today. I’ve been bitten, scratched, punched, kicked, and severely wounded. In short, business as usual.
03:26: Sparky caught a lightning bolt that struck him from the sky. Good job, Sparky! You’ll recover much faster than me anyway.
07:02: Came upon a spoon in the road. How odd…
12:34: A local peasant gave me a flea magnet out of ‘gratitude’. Extortion for the win!
11:37: I wonder what my retirement age is. Need to ask that guy from the labor union.
09:33: Enthusiastically rubbed the carrot on a stick, hoping to summon a genie. Unfortunately, the only things that appeared were blisters on my hands.
07:10: I had to use my outdated diary pages for a campfire again. It really is unfortunate that these woods have no trees to make twigs for kindling.
11:07: Taught my pet to perform some simple tricks. It seems that Sparky has already mastered the “Rest” command.
Re-sorting the scalps…
Making a scale model of the temple using popsicle sticks…
Building a mock temple out of sand…
Thinking about how much these bricks cost and crying…
The hero is playing Twister with himself…
02:04: Soaring up into the air in a beam of colorful light, Sparky started to look a bit bigger and stronger. Hmm, there isn’t a reason to fear for my life, is there?
Re-reading his diary, reminiscing over the good old days…
10:01: Oh, the loot bag is so heavy… Hey, Sparky, get out of there!
06:51: It seems like Sparky just tried to use the “electro static discharge” skill. Of course he failed. What a noob he is!
07:35: After Sparky lapped up a full saucer of health elixir, he kept on begging for a second serving. Hmm, it seems that his tired little body needs a boost.
06:49: I had a strange dream last night, Omnipotent One. You were peeking at my diary and chuckling to yourself while munching on chips. I hope that’s not true.
07:03: Just found a book lying in the mud. Hey, it’s my diary!
11:18: Sparky sat off to the side and played with a dwarf star that he had found somewhere. I tried to take it away, but he bit me. Bad rocky raccoon!
06:48: Woke up looking at a beautiful sunrise, and wondered who stole my tent while I was sleeping.
06:50: Sparky is chewing upon my decomposing toes. Almighty, сould you please hurry up and resurrect me while I’m still in one piece?
03:36: A wandering monk said that playing chess helps to develop strategic planning, a flexible mind, and independent thinking. That’s why gods don’t like chess players.
09:37: Why is it that all of these items seem to serve no purpose other than for me to sell them? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
07:04: Da nit I ne d to buy a new pen, th s on is run ing ou of ink.
‘Ouch, I hope I didn’t brain my damage!’
02:14: Sparky almost leapt off a cliff while chasing a butterfly. Oh, what if he had fallen?!
09:41: They had nothing in my size. I need to lose some weight. Or gain some more.
06:53: I sure hope nobody’s reading my diary right now.
06:57: Mysterious forces created a golden brick in my wallet. Almighty One, was that your doing? Why don’t you build a temple by yourself?
10:03: I’ve always wondered… Why does everyone want to kill me? Am I that annoying, Mighty One? Please tell me I’m not! Please!
12:05: A disgusting odor fills the air… Is there a terrifying creature nearby? Or maybe it’s just me… Yeah, it’s me.
01:08: I’m sorry, Omnipotent One, but my last few entries were complete lies. I just wanted my life to seem interesting.
06:00: Um… is my neck supposed to bend this way?
06:23: Spent some time eating cucumber sandwiches and daintily drinking tea. It may have made me look like an idiot, but at least it restored some of my health.
04:11: Felt a burning desire to disassemble the mystery box. Found a notarized document inside stating that I’ve died fewer times than I thought. Nice.
03:51: A stranger came close to me and whispered: ‘Klaatu barada nikto.’
06:52: Nudge nudge, wink wink. Know what I mean?
07:33: The merchant threw a pouch of gold at me to chase me out of his shop. Strange whimsicality!
10:02: Sparky brought me a fresh bun from somewhere. I better eat it right away. What a great pet!
09:28: It would be great if Sparky could run to town to grab some potions… and snacks. All right, I’ll go myself. I’m not above running my own errands.
08:54: ‘I am Plornk, Clickety click. Raaaaaaaargh!’ Great One, what do you think? Does it sound impressive?
01:31: That darned rocky raccoon! I turned away for just a second and he ripped my bowl of copypasta to pieces. Someone should train that pet to behave.
11:39: My pet Sparky brought me a flask of healing potion from somewhere. I’d better use it right away. What a clever pet he is!
07:40: Hmm, Sparky the rocky raccoon… Not the catchiest name I could’ve come up with. Maybe I should have called him Loki11?
10:36: Sensing my bad mood, Sparky deftly tickled me with his whiskers. I feel a little bit better already.
10:32: Taught my pet to perform some simple tricks. It seems that Sparky has already mastered the “Sleep” command.
11:00: The trader suddenly started sobbing, while mumbling something about deceiving hundreds of heroes and carrying the soul-crushing burden of a guilty conscience. I nodded sympathetically while sneaking 223 coins from the register.
04:27: Uh-oh! Spotted one of my biggest stalkers and had to quickly leave the store.
07:51: Saw a platypus scuttle by. Almighty, I like your sense of humor.
11:18: Donated 39 coins to Alcoholics Anonymous.
11:20: How am I writing in my diary if I’m dead? Does this mean I’m a ghost writer?
MMMzzZZ*mppph*zzZz*catho*ZZmmp*FFT*zz…
10:37: Baffled by the strange clicking noises coming from the heavens.
05:25: I escaped from the battlefield and hid in a pitfall. I’m such a brilliant tactician!
08:28: Sparky snorts disdainfully and laughs at my futile attempts to find the map to the long lost city of long lost maps. Now he’s making snickering noises and silly faces. If you think it’s so easy, why don’t you try it yourself, you silly rocky raccoon?
10:11: Called my pet over and tried to fasten the holy water with extra calcium to his collar. Poor Sparky whined skeptically, but let me try it anyway.
07:01: Just going to copy and paste some previous entries. Hopefully the Almighty won’t find out.
07:41: Sparky sat aside to watch my epic battle with the monster. You’re so worthless, rocky raccoon.
10:53: A wandering merchant tried to sell me some sort of slap-based cutting device for the kitchen, but I wasn’t interested.
07:17: There were red-inked corrections in my diary when I woke up. Was that you, my god, or did I become smarter in my sleep?
09:28: Little green devils were dancing on the table and pulling my hair. That’s enough booze for today I think…
10:41: I think we should communicate in a secret language, Almighty. It looks like some other hero has been copying my entries.
04:33: There was a full moon last night. All that moonlight was a bit eerie, but after howling for a while with Sparky I felt much better.
04:30: During our last rest stop, Sparky performed some gothic dances in honor of the god of monsters. Please forgive him, Great One.
08:56: Hit my funny bone. Ended up crying. A lot.
11:46: Sparky stopped and began to write something in the dust with his tail. I managed to decipher some words: ‘Stop quest.’.
05:50: Wanted to see time fly, so I threw a clock. It wasn’t as much fun as I’ve been told.
12:38: It turns out that a rocky raccoon sure can come in handy! Who knew it would make such a good footstool when I rest by the roadside?
07:49: Washed my clothes in the fountain. The water is now a different color… Weird. 10:56: Ran out of ink for my pen. Exalted One, you don’t want to know what this was written with…
10:40: Sparky knocked over some candles in the temple. What a clumsy oaf! We hid behind a curtain and watched as a priest doused the flames with some holy water from a basin.
06:54: Wrote some poetic verses about my journey. They were too good to keep to myself, so I performed them in front of an adoring audience of peasants. They said I have talent.
11:29: A wandering monk told me about a god who could turn water into wine. Nothing special – my god turns entire monsters into gold, experience, and beer.
11:08: I hate censorship. Why can’t I even write **** in my own ****ing diary?!
05:36: Sparky refused to pull a cart that I found in a ravine. Naughty rocky raccoon! Now I have to leave a perfectly good cart on the road.
04:47: It turns out that a rocky raccoon sure can come in handy! Who knew that I could polish my armor by rubbing it on his coat?
05:05: Called my pet over and tried to fasten the hidden agenda to his collar. I hope the little creature won’t lose my trophy.
07:47: This diary entry was removed due to a copyright claim by Copyright Claim, Inc.
04:42: A fat old man was screaming “Rudoooolph!” in the forest. I felt pity and gave him a piece of fresh reindeer meat that I had just bought from some wandering goblins.
09:53: Sparky wagged his tail and looked fondly at my air guitar. I went ahead and gave it to him. Let the brute play.
08:54: A preacher said that animals were not allowed in the temple, but Sparky meowed sadly and quickly persuaded the cleric to change his mind.
10:37: A preacher said that animals were not allowed in the temple, but Sparky grinned and quickly persuaded the cleric to change his mind.
07:08: Sparky sat aside to watch my epic battle with the monster. You’re so worthless, rocky raccoon.
07:38: After Sparky lapped up a full saucer of health elixir, he kept on begging for a second serving. Hmm, it seems that his tired little body needs a boost.
09:36: Paid 5 gold coins to give my little animal a bath before starting a tough campaign. Sparky’s coat now shines with exuberance and he is happily hiccuping soap bubbles.
08:17: A stranger came close to me and whispered: ‘Never talk to strangers.’
08:00: A glowing fairy came along shouting ‘HEY, LISTEN!’. I swatted it out of the air.
11:54: I don’t really have anything meaningful to say, but it’s been some time since I last updated my Twit- I mean, diary, so I’ll just write this: Until next time, then.
07:09: Lost 98 coins on cockroach racing.
10:19: Stepped on an ant and killed it. Cried for the following hour.
12:55: ‘To be or not to be’ is a silly question. I get ‘to be’ by making everything else ‘not… to be’. It sounded better in my head before I wrote it down. You know what, Most Righteous One, just ignore this entry.
Name: Sparky «Bustler»
11:36: Lay down under a tree to die from severe wounds. Came back to my senses to find Sparky performing CPR on me.
11:16: Sparky insistently clamors for attention. Used the “Probability in Games for Dummies” book to make him a toy.
07:48: Sparky almost leapt off a cliff while chasing a butterfly. Oh, what if he had fallen?!
07:38: Stopped to feed and groom my pet. Sparky purred excitedly in anticipation of the combing.
06:55: My silly rocky raccoon got under my feet, and I almost stepped right on him. That would have ended badly.
04:14: Sparky spent half an hour chasing his own tail. He didn’t chew it off, but it looks a bit frayed now.
01:43: It would be great if Sparky could run to town to grab some potions… and snacks. All right, I’ll go myself. I’m not above running my own errands.
11:13: “Sparky the rocky raccoon” sounds distinguished, doesn’t it? Great One, do you like my pet?
07:33: Sparky fetched a dead rat from somewhere and proudly laid it at my feet. What is this? A sacrifice?
07:26: It seems like Sparky just tried to use the “homesickness” skill. Of course he failed. What a noob he is!
06:54: Almost went crazy trying to catch a strange moving red dot.
06:40: My lovely Sparky decided that it was time to flee… I couldn’t agree more. 06:40: Watched lemmings go cliff diving. Looked like fun!
06:43: Hmm, Sparky the rocky raccoon… Doesn’t sound right. Maybe I should have called him Kslice?
09:35: Erased a couple of obscene entries from my diary just in case my Lord was watching.
04:53: A swarm of pretty warblers came out of nowhere and landed on me. Great One, could you please stop with these special effects and make yourself useful?
11:57: I feel like I’d be a better hero if I had a personal theme song.
11:49: Note to self: never take apples from wandering archers.
09:06: Discovered an abandoned porta-potty. Realized why it was abandoned as I got closer.
03:37: Tried to catch and eat some healthy bacteria.
03:18: Found pages from someone else’s diary flying in the wind. I’d be horribly embarrassed if someone were reading my most personal thoughts… Oh, who am I kidding? I read them anyway.
02:31: Eternal nothingness is fine, I just wish I had dressed for the occasion.
01:39: Wow, my invite to Godville has disappeared! Hope to meet a beautiful stranger soon.
07:26: Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
07:09: Took time out from my busy schedule of death and destruction for a spot of knitting.
06:08: Note to self: “How am I writing in my diary while fighting?”
06:50: Had a nice conversation with myself. Learned a lot from it.
09:45: Unintentionally stepped on a sparrow. Really hope I won’t get attacked by a swarm of angry birds.
06:14: A traveling wizard showed me a game that plays itself. Pretty cool.
07:54: I woke up in a cold sweat. Had a nightmare that my life was someone else’s game…
05:47: You know, I have nothing to write about. Make something happen, Great One.
05:42: Did you know, Soul Supreme, that some monsters are edible? They taste like chicken.
06:43: Saw an arrow and wondered why it was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
05:39: I suppose this is a good place to experience a plot-twist. Let’s go!
12:01: Standing at the rim of a deep well, I felt an insidious urge to kick someone down it. Madness.
11:37: Erased a couple of obscene entries from my diary just in case the Exalted One was watching.
12:04: Hey, that invite to Godville was mine! Great One, you shouldn’t take my stuff without my permission.
06:50: You know, Mighty One, those other gods I keep hearing about are starting to sound a lot more reasonable than you.
11:04: Practiced some heroic poses for my eventual commemorative statues. It’s good that you made me look so attractive, Great One.
10:18: Found another hero’s diary. Our entries were frighteningly similar… Great minds think alike, I suppose.
10:21: Sunbathed in a torrent of holy light. It was good for my health and my tan.
10:14: Suddenly, I banged my head against thick air. It’s as if there was an invisible wall there… or am I subconsciously learning how to mime?
07:03: I am a leaf on the wind… Watch how I soar.
07:46: Cover me, Great One; I’m reloading!
12:03: I felt the presence of the Almighty One… What was that all about? I thought you would heal me or something.
08:46: I just wasted 10 seconds of my precious life writing this diary entry.
08:35: I wonder if my continuous failure to get a date has anything to do with my bizarre choice of equipment.
01:40: Threw 347 coins in a wishing well and wished for more gold. Nice investment, I think.
03:17: Threw 772 coins in a wishing well and wished for more gold. Nice investment, I think.
08:07: Please, Omnipotent One, stop refreshing every few seconds. It’s driving me nuts.
06:51: Looked at the sun for some time and happened to see a halo. I hope my relationship with my god has improved.
07:05: Note to self: avoid useless diary entries.
07:12: Washed my clothes in the fountain. The water is now a different color… Weird.
05:49: Heard some birds singing. Tried to sing along, but one of the smaller ones exploded when I hit a high note. Oops.
11:18: The lady in the lake kept beckoning me towards her. What a weirdo…
10:04: Found some cake and ate it too.
03:40: Thought I had finally found the meaning of life, but it was just another fortune cookie.
06:04: Does my god wear pants? Should I?
10:57: Great One, are you enjoying your existence while I do all the dirty work?
10:53: I was walking along a path when I noticed a long trail of wilted flowers behind me… I believe it’s time I took a bath.
11:07: My wounds are healing, the holes in my outfit are disappearing, and even my pathetic life is starting to look better. My Lord, I think I shall do something great and stupid in your honor!
08:02: Got bitten by bloodsucking mosquitoes. So itchy and scratchy!
10:43: Uh-oh. Fell asleep during my prayers. Wiped the drool from my face and hastily donated 7 gold coins in the hopes that the Almighty was busy plaguing some distant land.
10:02: When did I last see my bag of lovely bones…? Oh, whatever, I’ll find another one.
02:49: Eek! Maybe I shouldn’t stop in the middle of a fight to write in my diary.
08:13: It’s amazing how much I can write in this thing!
06:06: Thought that maybe I should try dating some fellow adventurers. Trouble is, they all seem to be too busy writing in their diaries. Losers.
02:43: Maybe if I just stand around here and wave my weapon around, the Great One will think I’m still busy…
10:59: Severed off a piece of the monster to check out what was inside it. Unfortunately, there was no candy.
02:36: My wounds are healing, the holes in my outfit are disappearing, and even my pathetic life is starting to look better. My Lord, I think I shall do something great and stupid in your honor!
11:22: Could you possibly get me a horse or something, my Lord? I’m getting these terrible blisters on my feet.
07:55: Exalted One, I love the way you stage fights where I look hopelessly outmatched, and then show you’ve got everything under control by saving me in the nick of time… because you do have everything under control, right?
09:41: Dear Diary, today I decided to write a special entry in you. Hello!
07:10: Heard a tree fall in the forest while nobody was around.
09:45: Saw lightning bolts on the horizon and a hero trying to avoid the wrath of his god. Poor guy… Our relationship, Almighty One, is much better – complete harmony and understanding.
01:53: I wish I could write as mysteriously as a cat.
03:15: I found a box labeled ‘cake’, but it was empty. Heartbroken.
03:08: Note to self: never take apples from wandering archers. I learned this the hard way.
07:39: A tough slog through rain, sleet, and then snow. At least I didn’t have to carry an overstuffed bag of junk mail with me!
07:44: Found a partially melted piece of armor with some words written on it: ‘Destroy! heal wounds! eat herbs! drink medicine potion! attack! Kill! Hit!..’
02:30: Clouds of thick, dirty fumes billow out from the smokestacks in Godville. The stench is overpowering…
03:18:
05:41: Spent some time eating cucumber sandwiches and daintily drinking tea. It may have made me look like an idiot, but at least it restored some of my health.
11:56: Oh yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. Unless however, I am very low on health… in which case I’m allowed to hide and quiver in a bush somewhere.
12:00: Breathed in. Breathed out. I’m running out of comments to write in my diary…
02:38: Mysterious forces created a golden brick in my wallet. Almighty One, was that your doing? Why don’t you build a temple by yourself?
11:56: Just got hit with a can of living soda. Thank god it was a soft drink!
11:22: Note to self: Never agree to go out for a bite with a vampire.
06:21: My arm just fell off. Oh well, it’s only a flesh wound.
02:08: I can’t find my diary anywhere. Where in Godville did I put it?
04:23 Just copy-pasting some previous entries. Hopefully Soul Supreme wouldn’t find out.
23:48: Realized that I left my towel at the last camp. Must. Not. PANIC!
07:19: Grant me the power of immortality, my Lord, so that I may do stupid things and not have to consider death as one of the consequences!
09:48: Felt my backpack lighten a lot and then a golden brick dropped into my palm from my sleeve. Holy magic!
12:33: Great One, I prayed and spent 22 coins on you… Why don’t you pray and spend money on me?
10:49: Oops, I think I accidentally just took a vow of science. Guess I should’ve paid more attention in spelling class.
09:27: Found somebody’s towel in the mud. Poor soul.
09:58: Fell off a cliff. Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
10:39: Fashioned a tooth from a melted coin to replace the one lost in battle.
11:27: Saw a group of magical insects escape a flood in a tiny ship of their own creation. Could this be the fabled Ark of the Coven-Ants?
01:30: ‘I am Plornk, Go! Go! Gadget! Raaaaaaaargh!’ Great One, what do you think? Does it sound impressive?
08:10: Omnipotent One, I love the way you stage fights where I look hopelessly outmatched, and then show you’ve got everything under control by saving me in the nick of time… because you do have everything under control, right?
09:59: Accidentally burned down a magical forest. Oops.
09:33: My Lord, I respect your right of free speech. Respect my right not to be forced to listen to it.
10:33: Nearly stepped on an unconscious hero with words imprinted on his bald head: ’kill them all (your family et cetera) YOUR GOD WANTS BLOOD"
10:29: A wandering monk says that playing chess helps to develop strategic planning, a flexible mind, and independent thinking. That’s why gods don’to gadget!’ really such a good battle cry? Will it strike fear into the hearts of my enemies and comfort me on cold, lonely nights?
02:07: Suddenly felt an urge to open the continuum transfunctioner. There was nothing inside, but I managed to get 2144 experience points in the process.
23:43: Gave 100 coins to the local bums. They promised to get drunk in honor of the Almighty One…
07:56: My wounds were healed all at once! What a neat trick…
08:18: Played hide-and-seek with myself. Lost again.
09:43: Now I have a crystal shield. Ho ho ho.
17:10: Notes from the battlefield: Abigail Weiss is defeated. Plornk added 375 coins to his treasury. Plornk now has a window of opportunity, a ‘Quests for Dummies’ book and a lock of Abigail Weiss’s hair at his disposal
22:26: Smiting monsters while sniffing a bunch of wildflowers… Dang I’m good!
22:18: Tried to pick up the store and pulled a muscle. Omnipotent One, will I ever be strong enough to shoplift?
21:46: Someone resembling a Godville Administrator called one of the fighters to the side and offered a pair of almost genuine golden bricks if they threw the fight. Plornk indignantly turned down the offer.
17:28: Rubbed the ‘Godville’ embroidered towel vigorously in hopes of summoning a genie. Smoke started coming out of it. Just a little more… EEEP! It’s on fire! It burns! It hurts!
12:11: Participated in a banana-throwing contest with the local monkeys. Now I’m “fruited up” beyond all recognition.
23:46: I vaguely recall being at the pub, drinking booze, and even more booze… But that’s all I could remember. Now I’m missing 1507 coins from my pouch. My Lord, I really should give up drinking.
. 21:49: Under continuous assault and unable to think straight, I applied the kinetic energy bar to the monster instead of myself. Judging by its high-pitched shriek, the Red-Eyed Moby Duck usually heals in some other way.
17:51: The Cookie Monster was gloriously torn to pieces! While rifling through its remains, I found a bottle of virgin’s tears. It will need a good wash before I can sell it.
failed attempt at thumb wrestling using just my fingers.
14:21: I managed to survive that battle relatively unscathed, exCept fOr thE brAIn daMAg3\..
15:16: My Lord, now that you resurrected me… Am I a zombie? Btw, thanks for a crumb of wisdom!
14:25: You know, Most Righteous One, maybe I’d listen to you if you listened to me. Where was that hotdog I asked for yesterday, huh? I starved because of you.
6:03: Rubbed the piece of enriched dirt vigorously in hopes of summoning a genie. Smoke started coming out of it. Just a little more… EEEP! It’s on fire! It burns! It hurts!
15:56: Ran into Anxious. She distracted the monster with some magic tricks, giving me time for a quick prayer.
17:58: While the enemy was taking a time-out, Kankanek helped me cleanse my wounds and fed me some deliciously fresh buns.
18:20: I flung a gold coin into the monster’s eye, bursting its eyeball. Eeewww.
21:33: Why don’t you have your own holy book, Great One? All the other gods have one. Please accept 16 coins and hire a holy ghost-writer.
Thinking up new ways to waste money…
22:32: I beg thee, Great One! Heal my hangover and punish those cats that were screaming last night. Here is something for you — 110 gold coins
.22:58: I stood victoriously upon the misshapen corpse of the Jitter-Bug. By the way, Almighty, could you send a few attractive looking enemies my way? I could use some eye candy once in a while.
08:11: Found out that toxic waste doesn’t give you superpowers.
AND WTF
02:45: Found a mountain cave that had been ransacked by clowns, and littered with dead cats. I took some beer from a blood-covered barrel, since there was no one else to drink it.
Rocky Raccoon wants his own book, so he is writing here too
06:25: I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Rocky Raccoon, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Sparky. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.
06:53: Sparky came closer and started licking my wounds. Suddenly I felt better, even without any healing mud baths.
05:15: Sparky brought me a package of cookies from somewhere. I better eat it right away. What a great pet!
07:24: Aware of the health benefits he offers, Sparky carefully rubbed against me with his natural fur.
07:40: Sparky sat aside to watch my epic battle with the monster. You’re so worthless, rocky raccoon.
07:59: Sparky buried a “Evil Inc” guild membership card that he found. Was that his way of showing contempt for that guild?
02:23: Sparky was suddenly surrounded by a sparkling glow. Then he began skipping around and humming happily. Hey, I think he just leveled up!
10:23: Well done, clever rocky raccoon! He stopped, dug into the ground and unearthed 195 coins. I’m going to use it to buy him some anti-flea treatment.
11:19: Sparky whimpered anxiously and wagged his tail like a fan, providing a refreshing breeze. Wow, I feel a bit better!