Another Boss defeated and my health a little depleted.
The doctor insisted that I’d be better at fighting monsters if I wasn’t drunk all the time. Silly doctor. Like any sober person would wander around the wilderness fighting monsters all the time.
I leveled up! A huge golden podium rose out of the ground, giving me a chance to do an epic hero pose. Finally a level up as extravagant as Sooba’s!
Asked a tree for directions, but its branches pointed in every direction. Barking mad.
Gave a tree a hug today. It smiled at me as I walked away… It likes hugs.
Hugged a tree. It felt good, but I don’t think the relationship’s going anywhere.
Similarities: nutritious; juicy; grow on trees; large pips. Differences: cost; tastiness of peel; doctor-repellant qualities.
They told me that to compare apples to oranges would be a piece of cake. Well, I don’t see any cake, and I can’t eat this stupid golden brick either.
2019-05-31 20:38
Dearest diary, today was the day! I carefully laid the last brick, swept all the rooms, opened all windows to let your glorious light shine in. I can’t believe it, your temple is finally finished, my Lady! I feel delirious with happiness.
Flipped through the Godville Times. Apparently the new phrase of the week is “May the winds of change bring you gusts of glory”, my Goddess!
I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Heffalump, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Tige. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.
Omnipotent One, I’ve been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don’t think being a responsible adult is going to work for me.
Other heroes love it when I draw the letter ‘X’ on the ground. They swarm around it as soon as I leave, cheering excitedly, with shovels in their hands.
I’m not lost. I’m geographically challenged.
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you’ll have the time of your life. Tavern here I come!
Gather enough monkeys in a room to reproduce the works of Shakespeare (completed)
I apparently completed this quest, but these monkeys are stupid. What they wrote is total gibberish.
For completing the epic quest I was complimented, fed and given five planks for the ark and a golden brick as a reward.
I pride myself on never writing self-praising diary entries.
Met an abandoned hero, who kept mumbling, “Can’t believe he forgot to set a password!” over and over. You’d never make a mistake like that and lose me, right, Great One?
Devotees to the Omnipotent One were lined up around the block just to enter the temple. My Lady, you deserve something special for being so popular.
I think it’s time for me to change my orientation from portrait to landscape. Good night, everyone!
The handsome barman at The Glass Cannon told me that he would definitely go on a date with me if I managed to do something regrettable and feel great about it afterward! I’m sure he wasn’t just saying that to get me to leave. Not this time.
Found a very long wood plank for the ark sticking out of the donation mug.
Met an honest salesman today and gave him a few coins so he could eat.
Had to write this on a piece of birch bark. I will insert it into my diary later, when I get it back out of this Crysanthemummy’s guts.
This Leader of the Banned wanted to pair me with a handsome hero in its ark. Tempting, but I’d rather kill it for beer money.
I snagged the Holykeeper on my armor, then watched it unravel into nothingness. There was a holy powercell and 157 gold coins buried inside the resulting pile of yarn.
So I met an Ottoman Umpire and yada, yada, yada… now I’ve got 31 gold coins and a short straw.
Deranged myself from the ranger. Arranged for range between myself and the deranged ranger when the ranger arranged to rearrange my face.
They told me that to arrange to rearrange a deranged ranger would be a piece of cake. Well, I don’t see any cake, and I can’t eat this stupid golden brick either.
Spent some time debugging Godville by crushing insects with my boot.
A courier from the Godville Times visited me mid-quest, made me sign a few forms, and cast an aura of pacifism on me. I should really start paying attention to what I’ve subscribed to.
I got into a heated religious debate with a door-to-door missionary. I won by proving I didn’t have a door.
Decided to make a name for myself. So far, I’m struggling with the spelling.
Found 2623 gold coins in the swear jar inside the temple. I knew it was a good idea to design it with all those camouflaged shin-high pews.
Decided to go to a coffee shop instead of the tavern to save money. Still spent 6588 gold coins, but was awake all night worrying about it.
Pretending to be various other famous heroines and signing autographs…
Wore camouflage into a forest. Immediately lost myself.
Raiding tombs will only get you so far. I’ve taken to raiding fridges instead.
What doesn’t kill you, hurts!
Found a perfect spot to scratch on Tige that makes his leg kick like crazy. Too bad a solar-powered darkness absorber was right in its way.
I wrote the rule, but the rule is unwritten, so I never wrote the rule. Spooky.
Finally completed my quest to write a rule in the unwritten rule book. Got some experience and a golden brick after a long, draggy cutscene.
Stole some soap so I could try to clean my conscience.
Note to self: stop ignoring notes I’ve written to myself.
Went the long way around, because the short way always seems to be infested with monsters.
An elephant walked into the waiting room but nobody mentioned it.
Fell down a hill, hitting the ground repeatedly as I flipped over and over all the way to the bottom. That’s how I roll.
Molotov’s Cocktail Bar had a 90 minute wait to sit down! Forget that, I’ll just save my 1641 coins.
Tried pushing myself to be a better heroine, but I was met with some resistance.
So it has come to this. Release the heffalump!
Note to self: When in doubt, mumble.
Artificial intelligence is no match for my natural stupidity.
“A word to the wise…” stated an old mage to me. He never finished his sentence though, and went off to speak to someone else.
My plan of doing no work has finally paid off. There’s so much paperwork piled up waiting to be done that no one dares to fire me – no one will ever want my job.
Sweet! By completing my quest to avoid doing any work, I received some experience and… a hazardous minerals map. Again? Really? Oh well, at least I can sell it.
Pain wracks my body. I scream as golden light pours from every inch of my skin. I don’t think my clothes fit any more. Wait, was that a miracle, or did I regenerate? What do you think, Tige, my faithful companion?
A high priest rolled up his sleeves and slapped Tige, instantly bringing my beloved heffalump back to consciousness! At least, I think he was a priest… Paid him 10039 gold coins anyway. Oh Tige, how I’ve missed you!
After the sudden loss of the book of skill, I went through all stages of grief: from denial of the “Cheshire smile” skill to acceptance of the “full throttle” skill.