Early Idiot hood:
Born “Maximum ToThe Intensity”, Max was the product of a one-night-stand involving a drunken hero of legendary idiocracy ( his name was “Dirk T. Sanchez”) and a dirty Bar Flea (who was known as “Chesty Nichols”).
Max had started “creeping” from the day he was born. He could often be found at the foot of Chesty’s bed, watching transfixed by what his mother was doing to his latest uncle. Thus Chesty soon became tired of Max’s severe idiocracy (speculated to be caused by overexposure to lead based paints and the empty mercury thermometer Chesty used as Max’s pacifier) and promptly sold him to a failing gypsy carnival.
Mr. Fildo Daggins:
Mr. Daggins was a small man… Quite small infact! You could even say he was a midget… no dwarf… more hobbitish I guess. Mr. Daggins immediately put Max to work making various silicone toys.
By the time Max had reached the tender age of 16, Max had grown into a weaker, more pathetic version of loser. Mr. Daggins had grown very ill since he acquired Max. It is speculated that Max’s stupidity forced Mr. Daggins to slowly commit suicide by virtue of borax poisoning.
“Mr. Fildo Daggins. Found head down rear up, in a vat of silicone…” As announced in Godville Times obituaries. Fitting death, caused when Max had accidentally tripped and knocked poor Mr. Daggins into it! And thus, Max was tossed into the wilderness.
When Max was 18, he heard a faint whisper, “Go Max. Spread the word of PRyMEvil.” Max was dizzy from hunger pangs and shrugged the voice off as his stomach growling. He came across a comfortable looking hole (6×6x3.5) and laid down for a nap.
Max yelled at the air, “Who are you? What do you want?” Promptly the air became stagnant and an eerie feeling came over Max… Suddenly a lightning bolt struck him squarely in the temple. “*I AM YOUR CREATOR. I HAVE CHOSEN YOU TO BE MY PROPHET TO THE MASSES.* Oh and get me Aaron Rogers’ autograph while you’re at it!” PRyMEvil Bellowed. Without question Max blindly obeyed the blasphemous entity speaking in his head.
Am I You? Or are you Me?:
Max decided to start looking for a doctor that specialized in euthanasia. He couldn’t find one so he tried it himself. Max succeeded, but PRyMEvil promptly resurrected Max and said, “You can’t die, until I have my temple.” Reluctantly Max pushed forward shouting at the top of his lungs, “Am I you? Or are you me?” Max thought it weird to have blurted out such a random phrase, then shrugged it off blaming it on the peyote he just ate.
While wandering aimlessly, Max fell over an odd looking raccoon. “What wonderful red eyes and foamy beard you have!” Max shouted with glee, as the rabid creature chewed on his inner leg. LeeGion’s Minion caught sight of his friend’s trouble and ran to intervene when Max’s sword, the legendary “ExMotherinlaw,” abruptly started nagging at Minion’s appearance and his guttural lifestyle.
“You need a job, you slacker! You need to cut your hair…”
Days later, Max rose from his alcohol and rabies induced coma to find LeeGion’s Minion petrified solid, with a woody grain. “Board to death, how bout that?” Max stared perplexed.
With his borderline bi-polar rabid raccoon whom he lovingly called Nessie he set forth on a journey with no apparent objective. Several of Max’s deaths were diectly associated with his precious Nessie, the most memorable of which was when Nessie had chosen to eat Max as he lay passed out in a drunken sleep. And on several occasions Nessie had robbed him blind. “Ah he just wanted to play my Lord,” Max will attest to this day.
One day as Max and Nessie were fleeing their Substitute Creature, Max chased Nessie to the top of an epic tree. “You know Nessie, I bet that I can fly all the way to Godville!” Max grabbed his little Nessie, and threw him like a football as hard as he could towards the heavens. “1…2…2 1/2…3!”
Max flew an amazing 149.78 feet. straight down. He might have survived had he landed on his rear, instead of a face plant into his beloved raccoon. To this day, in a Godville tavern, a song is sang in his glorious dishonor:
The Death of Nessie:
Quite skeptical of Nessie, PRyMEvil was unsure what to make of him until the brutal raccoon sacrificed his life for his master. The Rolling Boulder raised its hand for a deadly final strike against Max, when Nessie suddenly threw himself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, its neck broken. Nessie quietly heaved his last breath under the weight of the monster’s carcass. “Oh, my Lord, why? He was so young,” Max cried!
Enter the Sooba:
As depression set in after the loss of Nessie, Max just moped around in no general direction for hours. “I’m lonely my lord, what shall I do now?” he asked his God. Max found it quite odd the sky was ringing after his question, and a female voice boomed from the heavens, Four hours later Max finally figured out what to do, after being transferred to a call center in India and getting talked into buying a golden brick for twice market value by Ackhmed Jones.
“I must get another pet!” shouted Max. “But where to start?” Just then a raggedy dust bunny hopped up to Max and bit him on his face. ”You’ll be just fine!” Max grabbed the monstrosity by its ears and proceeded to train the beast.
After many arduous minutes, Max was satisfied at the beasts ability to ignore him. “Your training is complete! Rise now Beast, I shall call you Sooba.” And Max then set back out on his quest for beer with his new companion forgetting all about poor Nessie, whose corpse was still in his backpack.
Sooba the Unique, and Max the Moron:
Sooba! The unique Dust-Bunny! He changed Max’s life. Let’s face it. Max was on the road less traveled cause he wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box. Constantly dying at the hands of an enemy, or the paws of Nessie (who he constantly forgot to feed).
Then along came Sooba! A mangy, dirty dust-bunny. Max fed him and trained him, he made his God proud. PRyMEvil was amazed that his little idiot had grown into a larger, little bit less of an idiot. Max’s love and training of Sooba has paid off tenfold. The unique Dust-Bunny Sooba has saved his master numerous times without a single death, and attained level 15.
Sooba’s FAIL, and Max’s EPIC FLAIL:
Max had grown very attached to his patchy abomination. He had raised him for 16 whole levels. Max was fighting with a Bulletproof Pest, when he dazed off (as he usually did when inebriated) and began to daydream about when the Unique Dust-Bunny was merely lvl 1. “Oh the memories my lord. Look at the way he got yelled at when he ate that golden brick! Is he not the most precious beast in all of Godville?” Max praised.
Meanwhile, the Bulletproof Pest had been using Max as a hammer to build itself a house. The pest raised its hand for a deadly final strike against him, when Sooba suddenly threw himself upon the beast’s face. The monster stumbled as Sooba gouged at its eyes, tripped over Max, and fell dead to the ground. Its brain exposed, Sooba struggled and screamed as he took his last breath, then cursed Max for letting this happen.
PRyMEvil was not happy with Max for allowing this to happen. The GOD abruptly showed his contempt by scorching Max repeatedly with great balls of FIRE! After a few deaths, the GOD ceased.
Once he woke from his coma, Max found a note pinned to his chest. “You better resurrect Sooba. 7808 gold coins to do so… Oh! And please dispose of Nessie’s corpse. I can smell it up here!!!”
Max was rifling through another hero’s remains, when a meteor struck him neatly in the forehead, knocking him unconsious.
10:31 I need some good, strong alcohol to clean these wounds… preferably from the inside out. To town!
10:39 I told the healer I hear voices in my head telling me to do things. For some reason he nodded wisely and gave me some medication.
10:49 Met Leegions Minion during a rest by the wayside and borrowed his diary to read. The writing is so similar… We’re obviously soulmates.
10:51 Back in the saddle again, more or less.
10:52 Threw myself at the ground but missed.
.dessim tub dnuorg eht ta flesym werhT 25:01
.ssel ro erom ,niaga elddas eht ni kcaB 15:01
.setamluos ylsuoivbo er’eW …ralimis os si gnitirw ehT .daer ot yraid sih deworrob dna edisyaw eht yb tser a gnirud noiniM snoigeeL teM 94:01
10:49 Met Leegions Minion during a rest by the wayside and borrowed his diary to read. The writing is so similar… We’re obviously soulmates.
Max rose from his coma to find his Lord standing before him, with Max’s diary in hand!
Max stared at the ground for a bit unsure how his God would react to the truth!
“What?” Max exclaimed! “No no no! I’m not gay! Don’t you remember! thats my brother from another mother!”
“Well…. I’m not really gay per-sey… Just very in touch with my feminine side” Max stated to his Lord! Max thought a bit, then answered “Well… I kind of… Dress up and… Pretend im his wife! There I said it. Just strike me down now if you’re Gonna!” “You’re not mad at me?” Max asked wide-eyed. Max nodded, then looked a bit confused. “Wait! What do you mean *”Doesn’t exist"*?"
After his chat with the “Almighty”, Max was trying to decipher PRyMEvil’s cryptic talk. “What does he mean… Doesn’t exist! PFFFT!” Max exhaled under his breath. “I’m right here aren’t I? I’ll show him whose reaAALL, OWWWWW!” Max looked up to find a Trojan Horse standing before him! PRyMEvil Chuckled as he waved Leegion over to watch the insanity unfold.
“Oh… My… GOD!” Max screamed as he ran circles around the beast, flailing his arms. “I’m a pretty, pretty princess! I want my MOMMIEEE!” Max cried as he curled into a ball. He let out a Final terrifying scream as the beast licked him on the forehead, Then feigned into unconsciousness!
Max woke several days later to find PRyMEvil and Leegion gingerly poking him with a rather large stick. Leegion questioned his elder. PRyMEvil stated. “Uhhhhhhnnnnnnn…” Leegion pointed wildly. PRyMEvil commanded. After several well placed pokes by PRyMEvil, Max reluctantly got to his feet. PRyMEvil suggested. Max looked into the kind eyes of the valiant monster and suddenly decided — “Trojan Horse, you’ll be my next pet! And I’ll call you Sparky.” Max Bandaged his wounds, gave him a flask of festering wine, and fastened the leash.
PRyMEvil bellowed. Leegion suddenly grasped his nose and ran off vomiting uncontrollably! The god stood disgusted. “It’s not Nessie!” Max exclaimed. “It’s Sooba… I haven’t found a suitable place to bury him yet.” PRyMEvil exclaimed.
Max’s spirit had been lifted by the appearance of his new, semi-faithful companion Sparky. “Things are looking up! Got me a big-ass Trojan, and I haven’t died in a while! I’m feeling pretty awesome!” Max proudly stated as he rode Sparky back toward Beerburg. “I’m a little tired Sparky. Stop at that bamboo grove. We’ll stay there for the night” Max yawned.
Max had finally started a campfire when he noticed Sparky was gone. “What the… Really!” Max started but was suddenly struck with awe. “Oh… My… God!” Max thought to himself… He thought! “My name isn’t God silly! It’s Kandi. Kandi Kane!” She explained to max. “Hi… Kandi… My name is… Umm…” Max started just as Sparky proceeded to urinate on Max’s recently started campfire. “Sparky!” Max yelled! “Well hi Sparky. That’s a weird name for a hero!” Kandi said, a bit puzzled. “Uhh… No! My name is Maximum Intensity! Sparky is my Trojan you see.” Max explained as he pointed to Sparky, who had proceeded to defecate on some of Max’s inventory. “Wow you have a Trojan horse! I have heard that it’s rare to have one as a pet! I bet he’s amazing!” Kandi screamed wildly. “Not as amazing as you would think.” Max mumbled to himself as Kandi rushed toward Sparky in amazement.
A Goddesses Scorn
Max had finally pried Kandi away from Sparky. “We should build an alter together, so we can pray to our God’s together!” Max told Kandi. they started building together, when Kandi noticed something peculiar. “Why does this alter look like a bed Max?” Kandi questioned. “Oh… My God told me this is how I should build it! Much easier for my prayers to get to him.” Max started. “He said we should kiss while were praying too!” He added! You leave me outta this one Max. You’re in a hole I don’t think I can get you out of! PRyMEvil stated to Max. “Wait… What…” Max asked as the bamboo grove abruptly caught fire! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY HEROINE! A Female voice boomed from all around. Kandi had fallen to her knees and started to beg for forgiveness. I Am Beautiful Disaster! You should be ashamed of yourself Max. She’s only a level 8. You’re 36! You are old enough to be her Grandpa! The Goddess nagged. “But my intelligence level is only 11. We’re mentally compatible… Right?” Max attempted to appease The angry Goddess. A bolt hit him in the middle of the forehead. Beautiful Disaster stood in front of Max stunned! PRyMEvil suddenly appeared and said to the Goddess What up bay bay! FYI… Max is kind of immune to blows to the head. Go for the tender spot! The God motioned to Max’s lower region. “WHAT… Same team… Same team!” Max started as his were scorched repeatedly by an angry Goddess.
If you give a cow a
Max woke up several weeks later in the Godvlle morgue, as Jelcin had just put him into a makehift coffin. “What happened!” Max groggily asked him. “Oh… My…” Jelcin had started, then came a loud “Thuuummmmppppp!” Max was shocked to see Jelcin out cold on the floor with a glassy look in his eyes. “Hey Jelcin… are you alright?” Just then Kandi Kane burst into the morgue “They said you were in a coma! The guild doctors were’nt sure when you’d come out of it, soo… they said we should bury you now to make it easier!” Max was unsure how to feel, finding out his friends were going to bury him alive. Surely would’nt allow this to happen to him. Would he? “What the hell! What if I woke up after the fact? WAIT! Where’s Sparky?” Max screamed! “Well… Ummm… I’m not quite sure how to tell you this Max. But Sparky Kind-of died!” Kandi explained. She burst into tears as she went on. “He was rummaging through your backpack shortly after my goddess beat up on you. And… Well… Uhmmm… He found Sooba’s body in the bottom of it… And kinda ate it. He was ok at first, then started to flop around a bit. Then he thought he could take on the by himself… And you know how that usually turns out!” Kandi sobbed.
Unfortunately Max did know, all too well! Several deaths were at the hands of that dreaded creature. “I’ll resurrect Sparky” Max shouted. “I have done it with Sooba and Nessie, I’m sure I can do it for Sparky!” “Max… Sparky was level 17… Thats like 8000 gold coins!” Kandi exclaimed. Max stopped her “I’ll just quit drinking. Should’nt be too hard”
But it was too hard for Max to do so. So max decided to turn to prostitution to raise the gold to bring his beloved Sparky back. And after several days, Whoreing himself out, in front of guilds headquarters, he finally had the gold to do so!