CREATION STORY
Sips beer
“Where am I? Who am I? Oh wait, I’m Victor Izuagie but why am I where I am and why in Phoenix Ironside’s name am I clothless? Hold on, WHO IS PHOENIX IRONSIDE?!” were the first words that came out of my mouth at the time of my creation about five god-months ago at the time of writing. I say god-months because my generous god, Phoenix Ironside, took the time though not at my own behest to properly explain to me that time moves way too fast in this realm and that where he’s from, I was born inside a weird something called ‘March’ and I’m what you call an ‘Aries’ (whatever that means) and that he also doesn’t know how old I really am so I should just take it as it is…or something like that. Remembering stuff hurts.
Sips beer
Anyway, I got up from my docile state and almost immediately began mumbling words I couldn’t understand whilst unknowingly making my way towards a town surprisingly already known by me as Godville. As I stood in front of its gates, I looked and noticed a lot of beings who looked pretty much exactly like me also stark naked, wandering to places they didn’t know and mumbling stuff that they couldn’t comprehend. I now have the common sense to know that it was just my god being the overbearingly supreme being that he is by screaming unjustifiably stupid things to me whilst expecting me to do them even if I do understand the message he conveys sometimes, like he controls my life…Lightening bolt
Typical
I seem to forget that there’s nothing like free speech where you come from Mighty One…FINDING TRUE LOVE
Sips beer
Anyway, bamboozled as I was, I instinctively wandered into a place known as a ‘tavern’. I walked up to the bar and sat down for some reason I do not yet understand to this day. The bartender, a really nice man known as Mr John Walker, who also happened to be the owner of the place, came up to me and smiled whilst looking at me knowingly. He then poured a strange liquid in a cup and told me to drink and thus, introduced me to love of my life, BEER! It’s glorious taste flirted with my taste buds with each passing gulp. Never before had I tasted anything like it, never before had I tasted anything for that matter. That fact most likely influenced my dependency on the flirtatious liquid for I cannot eat, sleep, think (lol, as my god would normally say for some reason anytime I mention anything that normally involves brain activity), and breathe until its smell fills my nostrils whilst I drink. Even as I write this, my mouth salivates for the liquid presently in my hands htat I vamnot gocus in qhat I wtire…
Lightening bolt
My apologies my lord, it happened again; unfortunately, I switched to the new permanent ink recently so… bear with me please. Luckily I’ll always have you and your lightening bolts to bring me back, to keep me straight
Gulps beer
I just get so carried away sometimes…
“Where was I?”
Oh right! Whilst in my world of total ecstasy, the bartender slipped something over to me, which he explained after snapping me out of my thoughts, was called a ‘bar tab’ and that I had to pay in gold coins or in blood. Seeing as I didn’t even have clothes at the time, feel free to guess which option I “chose”. After my payment, I went back to focusing on my new love interest and nearly punched the bartender in the face for interrupting me again (thank Phoenix Ironside I didn’t) to inform me of a way with which I wouldn’t have to pay with bodily fluids again. A way known as questing which involves me robbi- I mean obtaining gold coins from “lawbreaking” beings known as monsters. After hearing this, I wanted to get started immediately but was pulled back to my seat and told that I could end up cleaning the “dungeons” if caught questing without something called a “heroing license”.
Johnny (as I affectionately call him) Walker, my new best friend, then proceeded to explain how to obtain the license and promised to take care of the paper work as I still couldn’t read in exchange for his establishment being the only tavern I’ll visit whenever I re-enter Godville.
Thinking about naming Johnny Walker his best man when he decides to settle down and start a new life with his love…
When all was said and done, I boldly walked up to the city gate with my new diary in hand (though still naked) which I was given to “jot down useful survival tips for future generation heroes and heroines” but decided against it and followed the advice of more quest hardened heroes to just write what I feel like. To begin my journey of a thousand bricks (as Johnny had left out the fact that I had to build a temple made of gold for a “god” I didn’t even know existed in the process of questing), I took a step through the gates of Godville and then finally heard the awesomely unique and versatile voice of the great Phoenix Ironside which said: “I am always with you”… didn’t know what it meant, but it had me pumped for what was to come!
Fetches another bottle of Johnny’s special whilst adjusting to a comfortable position whilst stroking Nessie’s fur
AND SO MY ADVENTURE BEGINS!
And so my adventure began! I wandered a little bit until a group of well furnished heroes and heroines walked past me whilst jeering at me for being a newbie and for my lack of… anything basically. I felt bad, really bad. The jeering may have stopped but the memories remain…
I kept on marching forward (I think it’s worth noting that I had only taken about 6 steps or so away from the gate) until I encountered a monster, a Ship Shaper, my very FIRST monster! It’s eyes, teeth and claws where unlike anything I had ever seen (literally). At first, the only thing I felt was fear but then my fear turned into unbridled rage when it dared to ask me for directions! The only thing I could think of was bringing this heathen to its knees so I decided to attack by patting it on the head then quickly jerking my hand back towards me.
“Safety first”
(Before you know what happens next, it is worth noting that heroes and heroines are insanely strong at that earliest point in their lives and grow weaker and frailer as they age/level up … we’ll talk about that later) All of a sudden, it’s head exploded and it relinquished 6 gold coins, my first paycheck and something else which I later found out to be a “pure mixture” which Johnny also informed me “could be sold to someone known as a ‘trader’ in exchange for gold coins”, in exchange for beer!
Johnny’s such a good friend
My victory ended up temporarily being bittersweet as I discovered that I had infact not given it a flawless victory as some of its unnecessarily sharpened teeth flew directly for my upper body upon explosion. Writhing in pain, what happened next was nothing short of a miracle! I blinked and then all my wounds disappeared! I couldn’t understand it until I heard a familiar voice boom from the sky: “Smite evil my mighty hero!” For some reason, I understood that message had to be from my god and I understood what it meant! I initially could not understand why he sent such until I suddenly looked forward and saw what appeared to be a traveling companion of the fallen monster and subconsciously then went to attack the unsuspecting villain…
“Almighty it seems a certain bipolar bear does not understand the concept of personal space as it was busy reading this chronicle of mine whilst wickedly breathing on my neck! It shall pay for its insolence with its life!! I’ll be right back AlmightAAAHH!!!… (I’ll transfer this paragraph to the diary at a later date, providing I survive… how am I still writ… oops, hand got chopped off… ah well)”
…
Catching his breath
“Managed to behead the bipolar bear with one clean swipe, it barely managed a scratch”
Lies, lies and more lies
“You know Fiery One, if you’re just gonna write in MY chronicles without MY permission, why don’t you just do all the wri-”
And yet more lightning bolts
“That was a particularly weak one Dominus, hope you haven’t been gallivanting with those weak self-righteous purely good sorry excuses for deitie-”
A blitzkrieg of lightning bolts later
…
Hmm, Maybe those bolts were too much…
…
Sigh
When you wake up, you’re gonna read this and you’re gonna understand (hopefully) that everything I do, I do for you. You keep trying my patience with your stupidity, your stubbornness and your constant defiance…If I did not care about you, you’d have turned into one of those hopeless antiheroes. Do you want that? Because I can easily make another one of you… let’s not do things YOU’RE gonna regret; rest now, I’ll have Nessie guard your body in the meantime
Upon waking up
“Forgive me Great One. My emotions get the best of me somet…”
Oh, I’ll take the fact that my body’s no longer charred and blackened as an acceptance of my apologies.
“Where was I?”
Oh right!
After charging at the deceased monster’s companion and beheading it with a totally not luck influenced right hook, I began expecting more “beer tokens” as I like to call them, but instead, all I got was a security leek. Saved it for later.
Still walking down to street, I then decided to see what exactly I was questing, and