There was a farmer, had a dog, Michaelus was his name… oh. The farmer was Michaelus, not the dog. He had a couple of cats too, and enjoyed drinking a bit much. The farm wasn’t doing too well, what with the monsters wandering onto the property mussing up the gourds. Between those and the beasties always hiding in the tall grass, Michaelus got used to carrying a big stick into most encounters. After awhile, the gourds were all but forgotten, the house sold to pay off debts, the pets tearfully re-homed, and Michaelus ponderously padded down perilous paths punching pests for prizes. Between the drinks and the random encounters, Michaelus found himself down in ditches more often than not, but never dead for long. After awhile the booze haze cleared enough for him to realize the annoying voice in his head wasn’t just guilt-driven drivel, but might actually be the reason he kept regrowing a drowned liver and stolen kidneys… Or maybe its just too much happy-juice combined with generous helpings of knocks to the head. Well… things can’t get much worse, and the Lady in his head isn’t always nice, but she does seem to care.
Sooo, while I was out winning fights and earning gold for bee…uiiilding your glittering temple, I happened upon a lone dog with a matted mane. Intrigued, I approached the creature, but failed miserably at sneaking, earning a yelp and a blast of crackling electricity! Luckily, with the shocking lessons in discipline you have given me thus far, it was easy for me to shrug off such a minor jolt. The beast however, appeared in awe, and began to follow after me. Some time together sharing meals around campfires and beer rounds in taverns, and I have decided to name him “Oy”, after the noise he makes in warning whenever I’m ambushed by monsters or fleeced by traders. He reminds me of the pets I once had… I hope they’re all doing well in their new homes.
My Goddess, is it alright for me to have this small helping of happiness?
…
I didn’t hear a no!
Come on, Oy! Lets go get some golden bricks!
Found an interesting pamphlet in the Temple District of Godville. I placed it in my diary, hoping my Goddess would take a peek.
“God Idurr’s Way of Gentle Guidance:
Tired of Punishing your dear mortals, simply to melt wealth into gold bricks? Here’s an alternative!
You can encourage your hero whenever they have more than 3k gold. That has a very high chance of converting the 3k gold into a gold brick based on the day’s price. And Encouraging for gold bricks is best done when the hero is at max health. Higher chance of success. This is all better than the hero wasting the gold on beer or fines.
Then there’s bosses. Tell your hero to dig when they are in the field and they may unearth a boss. High chance of getting a brick drop plus tons of gold to convert to bricks. Also watch out for notifiactions of folks hunting bosses nearby.
Also, look out for monsters with the ‘Bricked’ identifier. They can drop gold bricks when defeated, although it’s a very low chance.”
And Lo’! My Brilliant Lady Pazriel grew even more tolerant of my mistakes and more forgiving of my transgressions! Thank you, God Idurr! Surely a prayer of appreciation to you will be tolerated by my ever more benevolent Goddess!
As Oy and I were drinking in Monsterdam one fine morning, I had another patron whistle and pad over to us, looking appraisingly over Oy’s now sparking mane and glossy fur. “That’s one fine specimen of a Sun Dog you got there, kid!” said the patron, giving Oy a friendly pat on the head. A jolt of static electricity and some laughs later, I learned more about Oy’s species and gained a deeper appreciation for my mostly loyal and always adorable furry traveling companion. When we finally left the establishment, I found my coinpouch much lighter than I’d expected for just beerkfast, but I suppose that friendly monstrologist may have had sticky fingers alongside their friendly demeanor. They certainly could guzzle a beer with grace… maybe I’d just been fleeced by a veteran hero/ine! What a way to start the day. Oh well, might as well go earn some coins towards beerunch with my trusty Canis solem. “C’mon Oy! Lets see if your slobber really is venemous!”.
Things were good for a time, and then I began dreaming only of golden bricks. Day in and day out, all I can think of is building a gleaming temple for my Goddess. If this weren’t enough, I’ve grown to fear the jingle of coins on my person! l gain gold only to attract lightning! I’ve noticed other heroes dungeoning and sailing, and it makes me wonder if my Goddess is growing bored of this golden grind. Please, oh Shockingly Luminous One! I’m just trying my best here! Have patience with meeEEeeEeEee…
Covered head to toe in electrical burns and ash, on the fourth month and twentieth day in service to my Divine Lady, I’ve finally completed Her golden temple. What a sight to behold! Our own temple among the rows and rows of other shining examples… but my Lady’s glows brightest! As if all was known, I was lifted up with a Miracle, her touch no longer shocking, but gentle. My Lady, I’ve done it! I’ve finally done it! I did my best and it paid off! Ha…haha…HAHAHAHAHAAA! I’m done, I’m finally done! I’m… what’s this about an Ark now?
Oh boy, my first dungeon! Diving deep with Neglios, we fought boss after boss, between each glorious battle finding random rooms of devious traps or wonderous reprieve. While exploring room after room of impossible biomes, we even found an altar to pray at and refresh our spirits! Finally, the stench of a final boss reached our noses, and overhearing our complaints, the fiercest of the monsters charged out! A fearsome battle ensued, far worse than the usual tickle-fights and rock-paper-scissors matches, but my glorious Goddess was looking out for me, and I survived to claim more gold than I’d ever had at once! So at once upon reaching the surface, I spent it all celebrating at the tavern, telling Oy of my wild adventures dungeon delving!
O… I shuppoze I shuld ‘ave shayvd shome ov da gold fer ree-tire-ment… AN’ I WILL! neksht time! Promish!
Oh boy, my second dungeon! I’ll make enough gold to buy all the finest beer and ale in town!
… ! … !! … !!! … !!!! … !!!!! …. What the heck?!
My Goddess! Why hast thou forsaken me? Where is your healing encouragement to ease my pains and raging bolts to smite mine enemies? We have barely breached the surface and I’m already bruised and barely breathing. If it wasn’t for the other gods’ miracles and blessings, I’d have been minced meat! Already two of our party have been reduced to charred chunks, and this room’s getting awfully hot…
Pasiphae told me later, as she hauled our sorry butts from the dungeon exit, that I’d been royally roasted by a fire trap. She’d made it out, barely in one piece, but the rest of us met our undignified ends in that dungeon. I suppose, maybe, I should keep my promises about depositing into savings more often… but thinking of all that treasure and gold lost just, ugh! Losing is such thirsty work! I could really use a drink!
C’mon Oy! Let’s butter-up some suckers and batter-down some doors! It’s the cheapest swill at the bottom of the barrels in Godville tonight!
Over a year has passed since the completion of my glorious Goddess’s glamorously golden temple, and I’ve finally collected enough gopher wood for a small ark. It isn’t much, but this big ol’ boat is ours. I might as well keep working on this ship though, as I continue finding and receiving gopher wood during and as rewards for my questing. Hard to believe these golden bricks I once suffered so harshly for, are now just gleaming paperweights to be sold off like any other loot.
Though my ark isn’t very big, Manimals and Fenimals are already crawling aboard. My Lady, can’t we go on a cruise just the two of us? Sometimes I feel as if you pay more attention to Oy and these wayward beasties than you do to me. I’m glad I’d already decided to keep building on our ark, since Oy’s practically the size of a lion now and taking up so much space. He’s such a good boi, my Oy, but he looks so tired as we go out and about; he hardly even guzzles beers with me anymore. Once our ark is big enough, maybe I’ll let him take a long rest with the other creatures who’ve taken shelter in what’s really a barnboat at this point.
I thought it was all just nautical jargon, but I finally grasp why they call it a “poop deck”. Maybe I’ll start trading these golden bricks I keep finding to someone who’ll clean the boat full-time… Hmmm… Maybe I can convince the younger hero/ines around town to clean the ark for golden bricks? I’m sure if I called it a quest, at least one of the drunker kids’d do it, hahaha… uh oh, I’m far too young to be thinking like a merchant. Gotta get back out there! C’mon Oy y’big lug! I don’t feel like cleaning so lets go get more gopher wood and just build new, clean rooms on the ship! Hah! A loophole!
Oy, my sweet boi, always protecting me on our journeys through the spiral’s wilds, is really racking up bills with his veterinary care! I’m not sure if it’s his sheer tiger-size or his orneriness around strangers, but the temples in towns are charging me entire treasure hoards of gold to patch him up. Now, My Lady, don’t get me wrong; I’m more than happy to foot the bill. I’m just growing anxious on how much longer I’ll be able to amass such fortunes from wandering monsters and dungeons alone. I think it may finally be time to set our boat out to sail, and find treasures on the seas outside the spiral! We’ve had this ark for months now and still haven’t taken it out for a spin… C’mon, O’ Gleaming and Luminous One, let’s leave the turf and catch some surf!
Oh joy! Finally a divine sign to set to sea for the maiden voyage of our glorious SS Barnboat! With Neglios offering to share the experience alongside me, we set off… but he’s nowhere to be seen! Through the ocean’s mists, three foreign arks break from port to sail these same tumultuous seas as me. There’s plenty ocean enough for the four of us, and the more the merrier I say!
Ah, a fellow adventuring ark is coming up to me, maybe they’ve need of some fellow heroic company?
Before I could even wave and smile, the hero/ine set upon me! Fleeing the nautical assault of harpoons and sailor’s swears, I barely had time to start patching up my ark’s hull before being beset upon next by an enormous sea beastie! My Goddess, I can see your signs directing me to safe harbors, and this is surely why I did not sink, but your divine winds sound more like sighs of resignation than joyous exclamation. A single booty to my name from an island away from the action, and I retreated back to terrestrial territories after feeling I’ve had enough of getting my feet wet at sea. Next time, My Lady, we’ll surely fare better!