Ekhem!
What? Ah!
DarcyLewis’s post-mortem chronicles
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- 3-6.04.2017r.
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Ugh… Hello? Is someone there? I kinda think that I am lost. And it’s dark. It’s not that I am scared of darkness or something… AAAAGH SOMETHING TICKLED ME!
It is just Sven, silly.
But Sven is knocked out!
It’s his ghost. Obviously. He is haunting you.
Oh, ok. No, it’s not okey! Sven cannot be haunting me! And who are you?
He cannot, can he? You amuse me, dear.
It is I, your beloved god.
Sven, say hello.
Kon’nichiwa.
Sven… He is talking… How is this possible…
He is talking donkey, luv. Of course he is talking. And quite good singer too, actually. You just never asked politely…
…in japanese.
Well, there are many ways to talk, Darcy.
Watashi ga kanojo wa kizetsu shita to omou.
Yes, Sven, she fainted. You are quite observant as for the ass.
Burei ni suru hitsuyō wanai!
[No need to be rude!]
Kanojo wa megasamete iru.
[She is awake]
I didn’t know that a dead person could faint. Curious.
What happened?
You totally lost it.
I went on killing rampage slaying and stealing and berserking shit out of everyone?
No need to sound so hopefull. And i don’t think you can do that. You lost your conscientious. Don’t be upset! It is also accomplishement! I’ve never seen that anyone lost his consciousness AFTER losing life! You should be proud!
F’kin gods and their f’kin…
What are you mutterring?…
Just resurrect me already.
Be nice, deary. And maybe I will.
Why do you have to resurrect me personally? I’ve never seen you do that.
I always did. You just didn’t notice me. Usually you are drinking. Or gambling. Or drinking while gambling since you cannot die of alcohol poisoning here.
Really? Thanks. Could you do it now?
You are in hurry?
…I have some debts here…
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How come you can ride Sven? I never could do that.
It… just is like that?
Quieres decir que te sentaste el culo gordo en mí y se negó a ponerse de pie.
[You mean that you sat your fat ass on me and refused to get up]
Stop whinning in this hushed whispers, donkey. It is irritating.
Why is Sven talking another language?
He is looking for a way to express himself.
Then why he can’t talk in something i understand?
It has something to do with his self-realization as I understand. Besides he enjoys your disstress.
Es para ti, es una mierda inútil.
[It’s for you, you useless ****]
You are evil creature, I knew it.
~
And come to think about it… How Sven actually died?
He was killed by random Godvilla on vacation.
Godvilla! My arch enemy! I should know!
It wanted barbecue on his beach day.
It’s kind killed me over- nearly- many many times!
Dozen sweetheart. Only dozen.
I shall devour the next Godvilla I gonna meet and revenge brave Sven!
It then wanted to swim and emerge from water scaring tourists…
And this trice cursed species shall feel my wrath!
But it didn’t wait thirty minutes after meal and it drowned…
What? You didn’t tell me!
Ah i didn’t know you would care, deary.
Sven revenged himself? Nice!
Yes. And it’s avenge, hon.
~
And why you are wearing fez?
Oh I was watching marathon. I felt need of a doctor in my life~
Why on earth you would need a doctor? Aren’t gods indis- indep- sttuctabli- they can’t get ill?
Silly mortal. I am all-knowing entity thus I know exactly what i need. Fez is must-have now.
And this glasses… Do you need really ride my donkey while wearing red fez and black glasses? It’s ridiculous!
Still sour that Sven never let you ride him?
…
All-knowing my ass.
I heard it. Hush silly. I am a god and I am all-knowing.
About that… You look like a lady to me. I see boobs. Are you sure that you aren’t a goddess?
I know perfectly well what am I. I want to be god thus I am one. That’s how godly powers works.
I still see a boob… Auch, not in the face! I still had this lightning-shape scar from previous time!
…I can’t say that I’m sorry…
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How- hic! How- come that you drinkin, hic an yer sober. Still. Always. Now.
It’s my godly fabulousness. Don’t compare me to you, tiny mortal. Your capacity in taking drinks is vastly imperfect…
Ye-Eep? Hic. So we see. Will see. I show you! Hic! But now… Let me find some nice bushes…
~
You are more drunk than you let on.
Why’r you sa’ing that?
You are spilling your drink and you just broke Darcy glass with your elbow.
Whyyyyy you sa’ing mean things likeee that?
And now you speaking japanese. Go home.
No!
And here goes your own glass…
~
Where-hic! Is My god?
She went looking for new glasses.
Whaaat? Sveeen. I don’t know what you saying… Speak slower…
It no use. You don’t know this language anyway.
You are righty- i should drink from the bottle while I wait. Clever ass.
And that’s why I didn’t want to talk with you while we both were alive…
Your health, friend. Cheers!
~
Where is she?
Are that wine glasses?
Darcy! Where did mortal go, donkey?
Look under the table.
…it’s sacrificial stone…
Look under sacrificial table.
It is she? It’s only pair of red boots!
It’s her.
Nice stilettos by the way. They will be missed.
Oi! Don’t steal from your hero!
I don’t hear you! Over the sound of all this fabulous godvoices that keeps bouncing back to me!
Get back!
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Ooh, new Plot twist straightener! Gimme, gimme!
Why is that that you take all loot i have on myself when i die?
It’s only right that you give your god sacrofices, isn’t it?
But you don’t need it. You don’t use it. I see it on the pile under the wall, there.
I use it. Sometimes. I still have this Background music generator you gave me previously! It is so usefull!
I wouldn’t call usefull listening to Imperial March every time you are entering the room…
Well, it is! Deadly usefull.
You once even wore a cape…
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hush.
~
What are you doing?
Be quiet. I am busy.
Why are you making my clay bust suddenly? It is creepy. Kind of flattering but still creepy. Don’t roll your eyes on me!
I am planning how you would look like on next level. You almost have enough exp.
What? What? You have a say in what I look like?!
You are made at my picture and likeness as are most heroes to their god looks. That way it’s easier looking after your puny arses.
But we looks nothing alike! We even had different eye color and height!
Well, you have my weavy long hair… It is enough, i don’t see you all that good from above. Why are you so red on the face?
You want to tell me… That it’s entirely your fault… That i cannot chop my fuckin’ hair off?!
And why would you want to do something like that? They are nice!
They are too long, that’s why! I spend most of my days in wilderness! Have you try to keep them clean in this conditions? I had to wash them in cold stream!
That’s unfortunate…
And, you know, monsters live in these streams. One grabbed me by this fuckin’ ridiculously long hair and try to drown me! And this friggin hairs just didn’t want to snap or get cut!
So I almost die by them. Death by hairs. Plus… There are twigs everywhere and mud and blood and gore…
…that is entirely your fault.
And leaves stick to all this! I look like grass Pokemon after bad day!
…I really wish i could see you then…
AaaARGH!
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I am very disappointed by you.
Wha-? I barely got here. I didnt do anything.
I mean about your fight in arena. I watch these, you know.
Whats for?…
And I must disapprove your action and you taking damage for your enemy.
Whaaaaa?
Look, here.
- 22:33 While jumping around the arena, DarcyLewis suddenly fell into a pit that she had prudently dug for her rival.
I didn’t do it on purpose!
You better not.
Besides, it was only 2 hp!
You could win this fight if not for this missing 2 hp points!
I don’t think so-
You could! I am so dissappointed in you!
Don’t mind her. She just keeps scores of your fights and wants you to be better than the rest.
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- 22:50 Made it to the river to take a bath. I only got dirtier.
Ha! Did you see? I told you so!
Yeah, yeah. Next time i shall make them shorter. Just don’t come here whinning next time when you are in need of rope to tie two sea turtles on deserted island…
I couldn’t cut them anyway!
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Why would you do that?!
Eh, accident? I am truly sorry. I-
You smite me almost to death and then monster stompted on me to death!
I was aiming for monster.
I don’t believe you!
I am your god! You must believe in me! That’s the whole point!
Yeah? And who would listen to you?
You should stop wearing toga if you want to be taken seriously!
What? Why? It is very stylish.
Firstly, it goes on one arm. I see your boob I told you. Secondly, it’s not as cool as you think it is. It’s just sheet.
And what is that greenery on your head?
Olv’liv…
Could you repeat louder, please?
Olive leaves.
And you think that they goes well with roses?
They bring out my eyes!
Yellow roses?
It is Perfect background for blue eyes!
Ew? Whatever. And these red… Are this my stilettos?
No
I looked for them everywhere! I woke up barefood and had to go to the nearest City on hard rocks!
You should ride on your stripless zebra then…
…
They are mine! Give It back!
Get back Here!
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What are you doing?
I was reading book lately and i am enamored with one potion master. His duplicity is truly inspiring…
Yes, but what are you doing with all those stuff? I through that my lost loot is useless here.
I am preparing dark ritual to bring you back to life!
Wha-whaaaaat? Can’t you just, i don’t know, resurrect me as always? Instantly and relatively painless?
Nah. Dear, gimme this Slice of life over there.
Eh? Gross. It is rotten…
Well, I tried to do it with your father bones first but he seems very much alive and he opposed. Greatly.
You visited daddy? How is he?
He shoot me with the crossbow… Anyway I had your Pumba for servant part but I couldn’t find any alive enemy of yours…
Curse you, Godvilla!
Yeah, any that was human anyway. So I am trying to concoct something myself. Give me this, please.
Apocolypstick? Are you sure?
You had to have killing looks, dear. You are my business card after all, sweetie.
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10:57 After finding the fabric of space, I ripped out some loose threads and sewed a stitch in time. A mysterious stranger then walked up to me, offered fish fingers and custard, and went along his merry way.
My quest to sew a stitch in time was completed with excellence! Got a shiny golden brick and felt great about it.
Oooh! Why I wasn’t there with you? Why can’t we quest together?
Why are you ripping your hair off?
Chance like that is happening once in a lifetime! And I missed it! Now I must stay chained to confines of my own timeline! Curses!
I have no idea what are you saying. It was just some raggedy man…
Oooooooh…
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- 17:09 The doctor said my condition is terminal, but it should get better after I die.
What happened to previous entry?
Your death was revoced. You found some artifact or something.
So i have 16 deaths instead of 17? Cool!
More like 16 instead of 24…
Really? I don’t remember that many…
What are you doing?
Well, another cauldron to bring you front. I was very satisfied with my previous work and i through that I am gonna try and make you meaner.
I see your shit-eating grin. What did you put there?
Oi, don’t ignore me!
What is inside?
Ah, you see, plenty fun stuff? There’s
Root of all evil
Essence of nothing
Sharp wit
Essence of awesomeness
Nicotine eye patch
Smoking pun
Kill switch
Evil laugh track
Brutal smile
Hurricane in a bottle and
Invite to hell!
You will be very villainy when I end with you!
But… Will I be myself?
Ooooh! Of course, sweetie! I added some Broken heart, Diary-entry generator and Flimsy excuse too!
…
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What happened? You look awful! You are covered in tiny pincers…
Uuuu help! It’s this litle monsters! I can’t deal with them!
Kids? Where? Aaaaaaa!
What? No! I mean tribbles!
They infested my lootback! Then they infested my life!
- 18:11 The Velcromancer begged me for mercy. It’s not like I was against it, but these hungry tribbles…
- 18:14 The Landshark slowly disappeared in a swarm of hungry tribbles.
- 18:16 A bunch of hungry tribbles jumped out from my loot bag and ate the monster’s corpse and all its loot. I don’t want to be in your place, poor Last Chancellor.
- 18:26 Tried to peek into the loot bag to re-count the loot… and almost lost a limb.
First they took my lootspace, then ate my defeated monsters, all with hoovies and prizes, and finally…
They ended me.
Oh, wow. I didn’t know they are quite as dangerous.
I didn’t either! I had them once but they were nice and fluffy and it took 3 days to take care of them. Now it was blitzkrieg! Six hours! Lootless and constantly on low hp! It was hell!
There, there. Don’t cry. You are safe here.
I didn’t go down without a fight. I took some of this monsters with me to the other side.
chirp!
Oh…
…nooooo!
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- 15.04.2017r.
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- Typical snowglobe story
She shook the Tropical snowglobe. Shiny glitter and tiny cacadoos were flying in the watery goo inside. Aztec shrine coated in blood shone in rays of little gold sun circling it.
‘Are there tiny figurines inside?’, asked Darcy looking over her god’s shoulder.
‘Ah, yes. There are. I wanted to improve your offering globe a bit. I like it.’
‘Are they screaming?’ Heroine squinted.
’Well, they might be a bit confused. I seized them from the entrance. And from your friend list, too.’
‘There are my friends?! God, how can you be such cruel god!’
‘I am aspiring to vicious now’ NobodyIsPerfectButMe replied with satisfied smile.
‘Take them out! Right now!’
‘What? WHY? I just made it. I want to relish a bit in my new toy. Besides it’s just a bunch of newbies there. And maybe one or two of your acquaintances.’
‘They are clearly suffering!!’
’*It’s just tropical vacation! They will be glad afterwards that they have nice sunburns or whatever are you calling this golden hue of your skin!*’
‘Then let me rescue them!’
‘Fine!’
‘What is happeAAAARGGGAAAAAAAAHHHH…!’
~
DarcyLewis woke up in a lush bush.
‘Goddamnit’, she said feeling quite fed up with her god.
Heroine started to move through greenery. Parrots cried at her sight, it reminded Darcy of her god laughing at her.
‘Goddamnher.’
She spend uncomfortable twenty minutes trying to find the center of the snowglobe, when invisible forcefield appeared in her way.
Darcy smacked her head on the glass.
She saw enormous blue eye gawking at her.
‘WHAAAA.. It’s only you.’
Oy, that’s no way to talk to your god! she heard in her head. Eye moved away and Darcy saw distorted image of her god’s face on the other side.
‘Oh, wow, it’s almost as good as this trick with face in the clouds!’
Her god said nothing. Darcy stare some more.
What are you waiting for?
‘Um… Some good advice for this quest? Blessing? Smite? Anything?’
You know where is border, turn around and go. Now move along!
‘Ah, ok’ Darcy was crestfallen that her god didn’t even bother with the lightning. She felt very lonely at the moment.
So Darcy tried to find the great pyramide. May I add, she has abysmal sense of direction so her hopes weren’t high.
Fortunately, she stumbled onto a tribe of newbies who, flexible as they were to sudden changes in their lifes, bound her with the rope to a spare spear like fresh meat for their next meal and caried her home. Home being great pyramide flushed with fresh blood.
At gore sight Darcy finally remembered about her steel finger skill and broke her hands free. Unfortunately she forgot to grab the spear and she end up hanging by her feet.
Fortunately when the newbies heard her unholy scream of suprise they thought that she may be changing into some monster and fled for safety.
‘Agh!’ Darcy hit the ground painfully, looking after scurring off heroes. Then she looked up. And up. And flopped back afted she saw a big stone building. She was at the foot of her destination.
Heroine bravely get up, forgetting bruises and bumped head. She was on a quest. She started climbing.
It wasn’t easy feat. Stone steps were about five feet high each and very slick. You would though that blood wouldn’t reach that far down or be at least dried up but no. If Darcy thought this through, she would probably panic at the realization that most likely cause was the watery goo she was currently, unwillingly inhaling. Bleh.
At last, filthy and gasping for breath, Darcy reached the Last Step and top platform.
There, in front of entrance of the temple, was sacrifical altar. Some newbie cloaked in ceremonial clothes swung bone dagger and plunged it into the chest of his victim. The hero on the table screamed, his arms flailed briefly and he lost his balance. The self-proclaimed priest managed to grab his heart before hero tripped and fall down. When injured body rolled past Darcy, she heard undead hero’s cursing and complaining.
~
Darcy crept around top of the building on the platform, her heart thudding. It didn’t want to part with her just yet.
She hadn’t let priest out of her sight, going to the door leading into pyramid, so she bumped into someone.
‘Ah!’
‘Oh.’ Before her stood Christopher Dark.
‘Hello, DarcyLewis.’
‘What? Chris? Why are you just standing here!’
‘I am waiting to be sacrificed.’ He showed his disabled hands.
‘Are you not worried that they are going to rip your heart off?’
‘I am pure evil, D. They may try to find it. They may try.’
‘Neat.’
~
Darcy and Christipher turned around, hearing the most vile curses imaginable. Before the priest stood Rinslett, who just stubbed his big toe on sacrificial table when two newbies tried to lay him down.
He was hopping before amused priest, keeping one foot in his hands. Suddenly two more newbies helped flung him on the bloody rock and the high priest stabbed him.
Darcy couldn’t take it anymore.
‘No! Leave him alone!’ She jumped out of her hiding place from behind Christopher.
‘Darcy?’ Asked confused priest and took mask off his face to see better.
‘WhyIsItAlwaysMe? What are you doing here?’
‘Em… Ok, but promise to not be mad… Your goddess kinda give me free vacation here.’
’It’s not vacation!’
‘Is it not? But I like it.’
‘But you are ripping off Rinsletts heart!’
‘But this is the best part… I mean, I’m sorry! I didn’t know that it is your friend!’
WhyIsItAlwaysMe tried shoving heart back inside. It didn’t fit. Rinslett wheezed resentfully and tried to rip his hairs off. Or head, it was hard to tell.
Aztec priest/sheepish hero backed a little and showed guards to do the same.
Rinslett stood up. His heart flopped sadly to the floor.
‘Um.. It should… Grow back? Eh.’
‘Why are you even ripping hearts? I through you neutral, Why!’
‘Eh, I am. I want to try how it is to be evil.’
‘After this, you will be. Believe me’, Christopher added, picking up the heart and throwing it back at Rinslett. He catched it, insulted.
’Don’t think so. We are already dead. My personality won’t change here.’
‘Wow. That’s cheating.’
‘I know’ Why grinned.
‘You know, he may have potential’, Christopher pointed out, ruffling his hair. He smeared it a bit with Rinslett blood. Not that this bit made a difference with all floor flooded in red. Darcy felt that her boots were drenched and squicked under her feet.
‘So, what can we do now?’ Darcy examined Why’s colorfull bonnet.
‘You can go inside’ Why proposed, indicating the only door.
‘Why? What is inside?’ Somehow listening to advice from a guy who just ripped another hero guts seemed a bit… off.
‘Oh, just Mystery Labirynth. We sent there heroes with bad affiliation, to check them out. So your friend over there would be put there.’
’Wouldn’t you sacrifice him too? Like the rest?’ Rinslett asked, pointing to the stairs, where the railing was violently broken by fleeing, heartless heroes.
‘Nah, too much problems with that…’ Why put his mask back on.
’Aren’t you going with us?’ Darcy ask worriedly. Yeah, definitely the idea was off.
‘No. Not now. Sorry, sis. Maybe later. Now, I have too much fun here. Guys, get this goodie two-shoes here!’ He yelled to his henchmen who dragged another struggling victim – the only one of offerings which didn’t manage to escape while they were talking.
‘Are we gonna do this?’ Asked Darcy while Rinslett cut Christopher binds off.
‘You have my phlegm thrower’ declared Rinslett
‘And my osmium hammer’ added Christopher
’That’s good because I’ve got only boomstick as a weapon’ admited Darcy
To be continued…
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13:47 Found Mollymauk enjoying a tea party with a dormouse and an odd-looking hare. I’m not even going to ask.