Atryeu is a clumsy, albeit drunkard, with a sense of humor. Childlike, naive, filled with guilty pleasures, he never seems to stop being amusing.
09:44 PM For a moment, I thought a tiny monster was trying to strangle me. Then I realized I had my armor backwards.- This, this is my hero, wearing his armor backwards & fighting with humor.
11:14 PM I was preaching about my guild in the main square when there was a sudden flash in the sky and gold coins started raining down. People will remember “Fairy Tale” for a long time here!
11:14 PM Pretended I was running for office and shook everyone’s hand in Godville. “Fairy Tale” will surely gain influence here.
11:14 PM Buck suddenly rushed in front of a runaway cart to rescue a child. I explained to the amazed onlookers that this was standard terror bull training by the Fairy Tale guild. They will be talking about this for some time.
04:28 PM One of the voices in my head shouted louder than others, “Destroy your opponent Atryeu.”
12:03 AM ‘To be or not to be’ is a silly question. I get ‘to be’ by making everything else ‘not… to be’. It sounded better in my head before I wrote it down. You know what, Mighty One, just ignore this entry.
11:51 PM Went out on a limb to avoid conflict with the Out-Sorcerer. Unfortunately, the beast came up after me with a saw. It cut through the limb I was on, but oddly, the tree fell to the ground crushing the monster while I was left suspended in midair. You amaze me, Most Righteous One!
12:58 PM The merchant snatched up my golden brick, slapped 1144 gold coins into my hand and ran off shouting “No givesies backsies!” Shame, I love a good haggle.
01:52 AM Told the Crunchy Captain that the God of Monsters doesn’t exist. It was so shocked that it instantly evolved into a tribble repellent. Nice!
01:54 AM A dragon flying by suddenly veered off its course, dove onto the monster and covered it with powerful jets of flames. My Lady, thanks for sending in reinforcements!
02:34 AM Heard a loud popping noise right before confetti and glitter rained down from the sky. Thanks, Luminous One. I’m going to be picking this out of my hair and armor for weeks!
02:52 AM Great, my legs have fallen asleep. Which always means they’ll be up all night partying.
12:55 PM A dead horse rose from the ground and started beating the Eight-bit Thief with a stick. I don’t think that’s how the saying goes, Almighty…
12:18 PM The Warlock Holmes must have heard my Lady commanding me because it cast a strange look at the sky. I took advantage of the distraction and struck several resounding blows.
09:10 AM Roses are red, violets are not, until my goddess resurrects me, I will slowly rot.
05:45 PM I was singing the “Fairy Tale” anthem in the town square when three angels swooped down and provided a catchy accompaniment. That tune is really stuck in everyone’s head now.
01:33 AM A terrible Fight Cub known for terrorizing the neighborhood and abducting peasant women was pulled out of his hole by the divine power and turned into a stone statue. Peasant women are praising the Omnipotent One and singing and dancing in rings.
01:31 AM Buck was staring wide-eyed just above my head, so I looked up to see the words “LEVEL UP” in neon yellow floating above me. Looks like I’m level 96 now!
12:11 AM Suddenly, an enormous foot descended from the heavens and stomped the monster to death. There was much rejoicing.
02:27 PM I thought I was dead, but it turns out I just forgot to turn the lights back on.
03:26 PM Were you trying to heal me, Omnipotent One? I don’t think pink pixie dust and confetti will work on me.
01:16 PM Fell over. Got up. Hope no one saw that.
11:11 AM If I had a gold coin for every time I got distracted, I’d have… Ooooh! Look, my Goddess, look! Buck is doing that cute thing with his tail again!
11:22 AM I glanced upon a sign that had a skull and crossbones. Gave it a mustache with my quill and continued on my way.
11:24 PM Pulled out a manimal. He couldn’t find a mate in the wild and wanted to try his odds in my ark.
03:46 AM Contracted pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis during my quest. Better get back to Godville for treatment.
My quest to discover something that’s easier done than said was a triumph! I’m making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. Got a golden brick too.
10:50 AM When the bartender said that only a complete dimwit would attempt to find a horse to trade for a kingdom, I sensed I might be on to something. When he added that he was ready to bet a week’s supply of beer that no one would be that idiotic, I knew I had found my next quest.
04:22 AM Hello darkness, my old friend.
12:13 PM The ground trembled and there was a blinding flash. When my eyes recovered, a huge billboard towered by the side of the road reading “Your Goddess is Always With You!”. I know I asked for a sign, but that is not what I meant.
10:34 AM One of the voices in my head shouted louder than the others, “Assemble Praystation and Personal spacebar..”
10:35 AM I laid my sack of loot down for a quick rest and that mischievous inner demon of mine swallowed both the personal spacebar and the praystation! Following an odd urge, I quickly reached around, performed the Heimlech maneuver and out popped a brand new, yet slightly soggy, “Probability in Games for Dummies” book.
04:04 PM I grabbed the short end of a wishbone and the sands of time and smooshed them together as hard as I could. Out popped a slice of heaven. Wow, I’m so good at smooshing, I think I have a possible career as a smooshologist!
02:10 AM A beam of light fell and struck a frog that was sitting next to me. It suddenly transformed into a man who claimed to be a Ligerian Prince who had been cursed. He gave me 182 coins and said that he was off to repay all those he had scammed.
12:06 AM Spent some time eating cucumber sandwiches and daintily drinking tea. It may have made me look like an idiot, but at least it restored some of my health.
2:58 AM Giving karma a list of people it forgot…
11:50 PM Nearly pulled a muscle and several tendons while trying to pick up the store. My Lady, will I ever be strong enough to shoplift?
09:27 PM Ît wâs râîñîñg câts âñd dôgs, sô Î pût lîttlê rôôfs îñ mŷ dîârŷ tô hêlp ît stâŷ drŷ.
1:23 AM 01011010… 01011010… 01011010…
01:06 PM Beautiful multi-colored flowers rained down on me from above. What are you doing, my Lady? I’m allergic to pollen!
11:05 PM Suddenly found a sieve full of wonders in my hands. Abundantly showered all the needy, saying that it’s the work of my Goddess.
07:40 PM The “Fairy Tale” theme song blasted from the heavens over the main square as the farmer’s market was showered with confetti in our guild colors. Real subtle publicity there, Most Righteous One.
Putting the ‘I’ in aimless, pointless and futile…
04:14 PM Oy swallowed a tribble, then made a terrible face and spat out two. Well, thank you my friend…
04:43 PM Complained to the doctor that I keep experiencing sharp pain in my left eye whenever I drink pina coladas. After asking me to demonstrate, he firmly advised me to take out the straw first if I am to chug it straight from the glass.
09:13 PM A bunch of hungry tribbles jumped out from my loot bag and ate the monster’s corpse and all its loot. I don’t want to be in your place, poor Loch Ness Mobster.
12:02 AM Waited for my second wind. Got blown away.
09:28 PM The tribe of tribbles reached its critical mass and loudly transformed into something that immediately ran off into the forest. It left 18122 gold coins and few bold things in my bag.
01:43 AM Almighty, I can do nothing with these tribbles!
01:10 AM A beautiful butterfly landed gracefully on my arm. Then I watched helplessly as swarms appeared and covered me from head to toe. My Goddess, can’t you tone it down next time?
12:12 PM Giant branding irons fell upon the Schizophrenic Hydra, crushing and burning it. When the smoke settled, the monster had “^_^” branded all over its body. You have a cruel sense of humor, Almighty.
10:08 AM Closed? Closed?! Now where am I supposed to put my 9981 coins? Guess it’s back to the tavern for another round. Stupid bank holidays.
03:18 AM I was trying to convince a town-dweller of the benefits of joining “Fairy Tale”, when suddenly I split into a hundred clones of myself, who each continued to try to convert the locals before fighting to the death, leaving only me. The lucky residents of Healiopolis shall fondly remember the day they were overrun with a plague as handsome as this!
02:24 PM Due to copyright issues, the previous diary had to be destroyed. Sorry for the inconvenience.
02:00 AM Suddenly a cold beer appeared in my hand. Almighty, you really do care about me!
05:19 PM A beautiful rainbow suddenly appeared in the sky, sparking rumors that this was your handiwork, Almighty!
01:15 AM Suddenly, an enormous foot descended from the heavens and stomped the monster to death. There was much rejoicing.
09:46 AM This pain from my most recent wound is a pleasant distraction from the pain I felt from the wound before it.
08:58 PM A heavy satellite suddenly dropped out of the skies, missing me by a couple of inches. Almighty, I assure you that this was not what I meant when I asked for better communication between us.
10:02 PM I’ve always wondered… Why does everyone want to kill me? Am I that annoying, my Goddess? Please tell me I’m not! Please!
12:36 PM When I said I wanted to take a nap, I didn’t mean a dirt nap.
01:06 PM Judging by my hangover, last night was awesome! Thanks, my Lady! Wait, am I in the morgue?
11:39 PM A beautiful butterfly landed gracefully on my arm. Then I watched helplessly as swarms appeared and covered me from head to toe. Great One, can’t you tone it down next time?
08:53 AM Reading over my past diary entries, I couldn’t help but notice that “Ouch!” and “Medic!” occur with astonishing frequency.
08:56 AM With an intense yet gentle whoosh, I was engulfed in brilliant gold moths. My wounds are healing, but my clothes are all tattered now.
Sending “Get well soon” cards to himself… -thats sad. lol.
07:11 AM My therapist thinks I’m too judgmental, but that’s because he’s an idiot.
05:32 PM The psychologist told me I was insane. But my backpack assured me that it was more qualified than him, and that I shouldn’t listen to his asinine remarks.
02:52 PM Trained Pumba to strike a fierce and intimidating pose when I yell “For Malory! The Almighty!”. Now we’ll really look like a team!
10:25 PM Pumba fell asleep in my lap. Waited for him to wake up on his own because I’m nice. I’m totally strong enough to lift a multi-legged luggage.
10:53 AM All the catfish did was flip, flop and flap in the litter box until I put it back in the tank, but now it’s floating at the top, hope no one notices for a while.
Just as I was telling myself that my quest to train a catfish to use a litter box wouldn’t complete itself, it did! Found myself with 2905 coins in my pockets.
10:32 PM Fought the urge to steal a donut. Lost.
11:06 PM I don’t always pray, but when I do, I make sure it’s to you, Exalted One.
11:09 PM My Goddess, you’re my idol and my icon and hopefully my source of income during retirement. Here’s 1744 coins to help out a little.
08:40 PM Couldn’t find the worship-o-meter in my backpack. But I did find a strange, glowing blue puddle. Mighty One?
08:41 PM If this is a test of my free will, I’m definitely going to pass.
11:06 PM Waking up and smelling the coffee. Thank you, Great One!
12:43 AM Went in and out of the clinic in different disguises so I could get a lollipop each time
02:58 PM At the Almighty’s behest, the heavens opened up with a rain of gardening tools. The Undead Oxy-Moron dodged the worst of them, but stepped on two rakes and a hoe, smacking itself in the face each time.
12:16 PM A heavy satellite suddenly dropped out of the skies, missing me by a couple of inches. Omnipotent One, I assure you that this was not what I meant when I asked for better communication between us.
12:17 PM I’m filthy and smelly. Don’t look at me, Most Righteous One. I’m unfit for your divine eyes. Give me a bathtub first, one with lots of bubbles and a rubber ducky please.
06:04 PM The guild doctor told me that I was stupid. When I asked for a second opinion he told me that I was also ugly.
09:00 PM A giant ham just fell from the sky! I have never seen a meatier meteor.
01:56 AM It’s alive… It’s alive, it’s moving, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE!
06:20 AM An angel came in my sleep and taught me the language of gods. Wrote down a word into my Book.
02:08 PM Knock-knock… Knock-knock… Come on Great One, it’s only fun if you say “Who’s there?”
08:43 PM In dream saw some periodic table with strange glyphs. Woke up and quickly copied three glyphs into the Book.
12:54 PM Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
05:10 PM The Sacrificial Prawn yelled, “Help! Help! I’m being repressed!” and disappeared into thin air, leaving a computer bug repellent on the ground.
30/10/19 10:40 AM Got tired of waiting for you to resurrect me, Most Righteous One, so I beat up Death, took his scythe, and made my own way to the world of the living.
01:00 AM An unknown force lifted me by the ankle and used me to whip the monster. Is this what being an “instrument of the Lady” means?
10:43 AM With an intense yet gentle whoosh, I was engulfed in brilliant gold moths. My wounds are healing, but my clothes are all tattered now.
10:22 AM I leveled up! A huge golden podium rose out of the ground, giving me a chance to do an epic hero pose. Finally a level up as extravagant as Pumba’s!
04:56 PM Yes. I believe that’s the last time I’ll be taunting the Omnipotent One with a kite and a key.[He was punished and this was his response]
29/11/19 07:51 PM I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Blind Gorgon, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Nipper. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.
12:24 AM If an Ent falls in the forest and there’s no one around to hear it, do the trees laugh?
10:13 PM Met a guy claiming to be the godfather. Didn’t know gods have fathers too.
12:15 AM Note to self: to score a date with a pretty nurse I need to be patient.
07:46 PM It’s not my fault that I had to kill the Missing-In-Action Figure and loot its 5 gold coins. I’m a victim of peer pressure.
10:04 PM The guild dentist told me I needed a crown. I was like “I know, right?”
04:17 PM Donated some blood at the hospital. I didn’t mean to, but it was already coming out, so…
04:21 PM Great, my legs have fallen asleep. Which always means they’ll be up all night partying.
01:18 PM Tried to convert some wanderers to your worship by teaching them the benefits of being your follower, but hit a slight snag. Could you remind me what the benefits are again, Almighty?
12:15 PM Suddenly felt extremely drowsy and fell asleep. Woke up to find my equipment patched up and a note at my feet that read, “Fixed by Emergency Dwarf Squad, as per the orders of this hero’s goddess.” This is so bizarre!
01:29 PM Spent some time eating cucumber sandwiches and daintily drinking tea. I may have looked like an idiot, but at least I restored some of my health.
09:20 PM You know Great One, in order to do your bidding I have to be alive.
09:55 PM Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday.
11:16 PM Switched to stealth mode. Now I don’t know where I am.
11:20 PM Ignore this entry. I’m just using it to check the time.
12:58 AM Great One, if you decide to leave me here to decompose, would you be kind enough to turn me into a flower bed?
02:18 AM Great One, you really need to take better care of yourself when I am not around. I can’t watch and help you 24 hours a day.
08:16 PM Cherubs descended from the sky and endowed everybody with happiness, leaving nobody unattended. Great One, are you in the mood?
06:12 PM Great One, why do your blessings wear disguises? If I were your blessing, I’d run around naked.
03:51 PM The entries in this diary do not necessarily reflect the views of my goddess or the Godville Administrators.
12:41 AM Grabbed the damn good coffee out of my pocket and used it to restore some health. Hold on, Millennium Bug!
01:37 AM Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But the third time? I’m not sure where to put the shame.
01:30 AM Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can’t see.(This right here… is why my hero cracks me up)
10:17 PM I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices. He said I didn’t have a psychiatrist.
06:58 PM Burnt four hotdogs in sacrifice to my Goddess over the course of a “Convert Today!” backyard barbecue. I hope she didn’t want hamburgers instead.
01:04 AM Stopped to smell the roses. Got a bee up my nose.
06:05 AM I’m currently dead, Nipper. There is leftover pizza for your lunch. Love, Atryeu.
30/08/20 10:37 PM Finally found the right place for the blind date – the 30th of February. It was the last free date available.
A hero’s work is never done, but my quest to help a blind date find its place in the calendar certainly is. This golden brick is a nice reward for such a thankless job.
01:22 PM Went out on a limb to avoid conflict with the Starless Knight. Unfortunately, the beast came up after me with a saw. It cut through the limb I was on, but oddly, the tree fell to the ground crushing the monster while I was left suspended in midair. You amaze me, my Lady!
10:18 PM If pigs could fly, I bet their wings would taste delicious.
LOOT: Funeral home loyalty card
07:40 AM Oh no! It’s that kid with the poking stick again. No! Go away! Ouch! You just wait until I get resurrected…
01:19 PM An unknown force lifted me by the ankle and used me to whip the monster. Is this what being an “instrument of the Lady” means?
05:02 PM Here I lie dying in the throes of agony and the Mighty One elects to send a potted aloe plant to sit on my chest. Why do I worship you, my Lady?
10:19 PM Wondering what heroes who write ‘ur’ instead of ‘your’ do with all that extra time.
02:24 PM One does not simply walk into Godville. You stagger into it, blending in with the populace.
09:02 PM Found a granite monument with the inscription: “Nothing is written in stone.” Weird.
10:23 AM Found a group of pigs guarding stolen eggs. Score! Bacon and eggs for breakfast.
10:23 AM Sparky agreed to let me ride on his back for a few miles, so that I’ll look more impressive if any attractive heroines see me.
08:21 AM Added an obscene hieroglyph to the merchant’s signboard.
12:00 PM You were with me when I was bruised and wounded. You were with me when I was alone and miserable. You were with me when I was overwhelmed by hunger and thirst. I see one common factor in all of this, Mighty One.
12:01 PM A pouch with 495 coins in it fell from the sky onto the trader’s counter. He gleefully claimed it, then grumbled and handed it over when I pointed out the “Property of Atryeu” tag.
12:03 PM Took a massive tumble down a hill. After I dusted myself off I noticed the busy signal amplifier and the bathtub ring squished together to form a bag with 99 red doubloons. My clumsiness has finally paid off.
03:42 PM I went to buy a beer at the local tavern, but the bartender gave it to me on the house for my continued loyalty. I think I’m going to put these extra 4435 coins in my savings as soon as I get off this roof.
03:51 PM I flung a gold coin into the monster’s eye, popping its eyeball. Eeewww.
06:31 PM ➥ Here I am, looking to you for guidance and offering my prayers, my Lady!
06:27 PM When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
02:05 PM Intelligence fades in time, but stupidity is forever! Long live the heroes, ha!
Putting the “fun” in “funeral”…
03:07 PM Angrily broke the hammer of realignment because it annoyed me. Feeling evil. EDIT: Found the Hammer of Realignment in my heros loot bag again. Used it and went from Spiteful to Wicked.
11:23 PM You… You healed me? That must mean you’re in a good mood today, Exalted One. Is something wrong?
01:38 PM It’s alive… It’s alive, it’s moving, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE![awakened my boss monster]
10:00 PM Dear auto-correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.
11:57 PM Got into a heated religious debate with a door-to-door missionary. Won by proving I didn’t have a door.
04:02 AM Rhythm of drums… colorful lights swirling around me… the air is electric… I feel like dancing. Are those yours, Almighty, or was I just sent to a disco?
09:02 PM A luminous halo suddenly appeared above my head. Seized the opportunity and ran to the city square to preach your word to the townspeople. My guild is going to gain more influence here.
09:10 PM A sudden gust of generosity made me endow the poor and hungry with gold, while telling them great stories about the power of my goddess. I think we are well known in Next Station, Almighty!
04:18 AM Mighty One, do you know what day is today? Remember, how you created me years ago?
10:54 AM With a tinkling of chimes and a golden beam of light, my hair started to glisten and my skin took on a healthy cast. I wonder which hero got the punishment from the Mighty One’s crossed wires… And if the pansy survived it.
12:58 PM I hate it when people ask me if I got here safely. No, I died many, many times.
01:47 PM The Recurring Foe and I were momentarily distracted by a fireball whizzing past us and off into the distance. Exalted One, I aim to please; can you aim too, please?
05:04 AM My new orders are to dance out of the grave and into a groove, kill monsters, and chew gum. Here goes nothing!
01:07 AM Was rewarded with a license to drill and a box of candies for active promotion of my guild with some cheap street magic.
07:38 AM The trickiest part of being dead is that, while I have plenty of time to ponder the jokes I never understood when I first heard them, I’m now unable to ROFL.
08:02 AM I thought nobody cared I was dead until I heard the tavern owner was looking for me. Well, he just wants me to pay my tab, but still.
11:21 AM If you’re not going to resurrect me, Almighty, could you at least give me a tombstone with “For Malory! The Almighty!” engraved on it?
Hysterically running from an avalanche he set off himself…
05:05 PM The Blade Runner screamed, “For Malory! The Almighty!” and perished. Hey, that’s my line!
10:57 AM Was resurrected in a shallow hole in the temple’s flower bed. Henry even got me a tombstone with the words “Here lies Atryeu… again.” engraved on it.
10:54 AM Clouds gathered overhead, and perfume began to pour from them. That didn’t help, but at least I smell nice.
12:55 PM I decided to take the back door into Dogville, but it turns out that the back door was the main door and I had been using the back door thinking it was the main door the whole time.
10:48 AM Just because you outrank the inspectors, Mighty One, don’t think you can create a ruckus when somebody else is fishing.
01:14 AM Shook a couple of hungry tribbles from the loot bag and waited as they cleaned up the flesh from the beaten monster’s corpse.
01:41 AM A pouch with 330 gold coins in it fell from the sky onto the trader’s counter. He gleefully claimed it, then grumbled and handed it over when I pointed out the “Property of Atryeu” tag.
12:25 PM Just when I was about to give up, a huge hand grabbed me, shook me gently, tapped me several times on the chest, wound me up, compared me to Bjorn Free, adjusted me, and set me on my feet. That was my weirdest resurrection yet!
01:21 AM Got overwhelmed with positive energy and an urge to sing with the birds. Does this make me a princess?
04:55 PM Suddenly, I care. What a joyous occasion!
01:00 AM Beautiful multi-colored flowers rained down on me from above. What are you doing, Luminous One? I’m allergic to pollen!
11:26 PM I have the kindest and gentlest goddess in the world, and may she smite anyone who says otherwise.
12:02 AM Got overwhelmed with positive energy and an urge to sing with the birds. Does this make me a princess?
05:54 PM A healing spring suddenly soaked my bottom. Now I’m catching a cold, Lady, and feeling distinctly uncomfortable doing it.
07:04 PM Awoke on a silk-lined bed with a bouquet of flowers in my hands and cards all around the room. There was even a picture of me, cut out in the shape of a heart! I’ve finally got a Valentine, my Goddess!
11:48 PM My Goddess, why do I seem to be your only follower? Don’t you have other people to yell “For Malory! The Almighty!” or do stupid, almost heroic things in your name?
09:53 PM If you’re not going to resurrect me, my Lady, could you at least give me a tombstone with “For Malory! The Almighty!” engraved on it?
02:31 PM Under the spell of a beautiful melody, I gently rose into the sky and started spinning in a divine radiance, spreading my arms. Mighty One blessed my soul gathering! Something tells me from now on I’ll be meeting more souls monsters.
10:28 AM I would like to thank my parents, my agent, my guildmates, fellow heroes, and most of all my Lady. Without their love, support and constant vigilance, I just wouldn’t be where I am today. Dead.
10:49 PM They say we’re all in the gutter but some of us are staring at the stars. Either the stars are quite dirty or I’m face down again.
02:31 AM The nurse asked me for a stool sample so I stood up and gave her the one I was sitting on.
11:37 PM My diary just asked me to confirm that I’m not a robot.