19:55: The physician hinted that we might be suffering from multiple personality disorder, but didn’t say which one of us.
20:24: Last night I was thinking about another job suitable for my talents. Killing things, lying, stealing and insulting strangers… A politician perhaps?
16:07: Fell down a hill. Hit the ground repeatedly as I flipped over and over again, all the way to the bottom. That’s how I roll.
16:14: I didn’t trip, my Goddess. I simply attacked the ground with my face.
16:30: A silly yellow bear gave me a hug, restoring several pixels of my health.
19:04: Walked up to a stranger to ask for directions. He told me to hit the road. I took his advice, but now who’s going to fix all these potholes?
22:42: I accidentally stabbed myself with my weapon. So… is this what I’ve been doing to others?
10:48: Note to self: never agree to go out for a bite with a vampire.
20:22: Tied a string around my finger to remind myself that I have a string tied around my finger.
08:26: Lost my blanky. Haven’t slept in days.
09:02: Great One, I am sure you already know, but… Sometimes… I like to pretend I’m a tomato. I hope this doesn’t change our relationship.
09:38: I had just dispatched a band of small orcs when a beautiful girl approached me and asked me if I had seen her seven gentle dwarfs… Oh, the embarrassment!
23:04: Note to self: don’t join dangerous cults – practice safe sects!
11:53: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But the third time? I’m not sure where to put the shame.
17:36: Found the hero instruction sheet from my original packaging. It just says “Fight, drink, repeat!”
13:56: Suddenly a cold beer appeared in my hand. My Goddess, you really do care about me!
13:59: The trader gave me a free ’I’m with stupid’ T-shirt for my firefox. It looks nice – just the right size!
14:21: Had a clever thought, but it died of loneliness. So sad.
09:47: Fashioned a tooth from a melted coin to replace the one I lost in battle.
11:31: Came across a bunch of flamboyant vampires and overgrown wolves arguing over some girl. Looked pretty lame. Kept walking.
11:39: Played hide-and-seek with myself and lost… again.
15:42: Bravely slew some brain cells in the local tavern, costing me only 1312 gold coins.
23:59: I got drunk and shouted “Looking for Beerburgh!” in the middle of the townsquare. Got fined for 40 coins for public disturbance.
21:23: The Shopping Mauler claimed to be a great fan of mine. It couldn’t quote any of my diary phrases though, so I killed the liar and was rewarded with an overused meme.
11:32 Heard someone yelling, ‘Oh God!’ over and over from behind a bush. I wish I was that devout, Exalted One.
08:18 Little green devils are dancing on the table and pulling my hair. That’s enough booze for today I think…
07:17 Smoked a peace pipe with some wandering minstrels.
09:48 A wandering monk told me about a god who could turn water into wine. Nothing special – my goddess turns entire monsters into gold, experience, and beer.
14:55: Lost 279 coins playing strip poker. It would have been more, but the other players paid me to keep my clothes on.
06:25 Just figured out that the wind is caused by the trees waving. Your design, Most Righteous One, never ceases to amaze me.
12:13 I never make the same mistake twice. Thrice is my absolute minimum.
02:38 I found my name carved into a tree, in a heart with an arrow through it. I think someone is planning to kill me!
05:50 After carefully considering my options, promotion prospects, and retirement plan, I decided to head to the tavern.
02:22 I asked the trader what the price of a new a** was. Asp. Ape. AXE! Stupid diary auto-correct.
02:37 Paid 124 coins to a psychiatrist to talk about my compulsive urge to kill monsters.
11:20 Was shocked to find that Stitch had been towed while I was at the tavern. Had to pay 588 coins to get him out of impoundment.
11:55 I tried asking you a favor, my Goddess. As I looked towards the heavens a bird pooped on my face. Was that a sign?
06:54 The guild doctor told me that I was stupid. I asked for a second opinion. He told me that I was also ugly
05:15 Told Stitch to watch my beer while I deal with this Lost Viking. Almighty, could you watch Stitch to make sure he doesn’t drink it this time?
12:00 A man told me that goddesses don’t exist. I decided to prove him wrong by holding my breath until you showed me a sign. Thank you for making me dizzy and showing me flying black spots after only two minutes. You are truly great, Great One!
12:16 Sucked all of the alcohol wipes dry while the doctor wasn’t looking. Instantly felt much better.
12:44 Was thrown in jail for going on a drunken rampage. Actually, I like it here. Three meals a day, a nice comfy bunk and no monsters constantly trying to kill me.
06:54 The town doctor told me that I was emotionally unstable. I punched him in the face, then huddled into a ball on the ground and cried
11:39 Just saw another hero die. Managed to grab 186 coins before I was pushed aside by a throng of low level heroes vying for his stuff.
04:06 Saw another heroine sleeping in the sun. Wrote “Looking for Beerburgh!” on her forehead with sunblock, then ran off giggling.
12:45 Got into an argument with a traveler over which one of us was the most humble. I won, of course. I’m awesome like that.
09:22 Sometimes I wonder if I should put my heroics behind me and settle down. Then again, I hear that marriage is the most common cause of divorce.
04:47 Opened a bottle hoping to find a genie. Found some booze instead. Wish granted.
01:41 Tried to pick up the store and almost pulled a muscle and several tendons. Exalted One, will I ever be strong enough to shoplift?
10:59 My Goddess, if I am truly made in your image, you could stand to lose a few pounds.
06:20 Caught Stitch mocking me behind my back today by pretending to write in a diary and making a stupid face. Oh, Great One, must I be ridiculed by my own firefox too?!
11:09 Since you are too drunk to understand what I’m about to tell you now, I’ll be taking 1899 coins from your bag for the cost of all your ruckus tonight. -Tavern Owner
11:49 Dearest diary, today was the day! I carefully laid the last brick, swept all the rooms, opened all windows to let your glorious light shine in. I can’t believe it, your temple is finally finished, my Lady! I feel delirious with happiness.
03:21 While preaching in Trollbridge square, a sage told me “Give a hero gold and he will spend it on beer. Teach a hero to melt that gold and he will still spend it on beer, because let’s face it, they’re all drunks!”