A New Hero
From the sleepy streets of Pasadena a hero, Richard, took a wrong turn and stumbled into Godville. Clueless, he stumbled some more until he hit his head on a tree branch (or maybe the tree just wanted him to stop). The breeze through the fluttering leaves whispered “Kaona” and Richard blearily beheld a vision of celestial wonder.
“Blessed Lady” he croaked, falling on his face. “If you have Chosen me to go on quests and smite monsters in your name, then I’m not in Kansas anymore.”
With a Grand Chord of Divine Music the vision dissipated and Richard struggled upright, only to immediately trip over a tree root. Flat on the ground again he saw an object had miraculously materialized in front of his nose. Cautiously he snatched it up and realized it was a blank diary, but on opening it he saw in elegant calligraphy the words RECORD EVERY THOUGHT AND DEED.
“There’s only ten pages,” he shouted to the air. “Are you making known my probable life expectancy?”
A sudden burst of knowledge and wisdom passed through his head, filling him with elation, but the effect was transient. Still, a bit remained.
“Well,” he muttered, “time to start my first quest. Now where do I find a camel so I can ride it through the eye of a needle?” His heroic destiny began.
Daily Grind
Within a day Richard of Pasadena somehow completed riding a camel through the needle and the quest of assembling all animals in pairs. This was in addition to running into numerous monsters, killing or fleeing them (he ran away often as not), and wandering back and forth into Godville to patronize taverns, merchants and various gambling opportunities.
Kaona’s patience wore to the point that she finally divinely inscribed into his diary the command to take a bath. Eventually Richard got the message and did.
Later the next day he started the quest to become one with the force. Since he was unclear in his mind whether that meant he should join the city watch, he wandered away to encounter again the endless stream of monsters inhabiting the countryside.
And Kaona whilst reclining on her divine divan muttered “Two bricks! He’s only gotten two gold bricks! Where is the temple to my glory?! A pox on him!”
In his diary Richard of Pasadena dutifully thanked Kaona for the skin boils.
Death and Resurrection
In a week’s time Richard had slain hundreds of monsters and completed three more quests. Then horror! A monster spared no opportunity for Richard to run away and slew him!
“Great Kaona, please hear me,” implored Richard, but while in Limbo his voice could not be heard. Kaona still might have noticed his plight, but she was distracted with some pleasant godly passtimes and was having too good a time to check on him. Finally after a full day listless existence in Limbo, Richard of Pasadena pulled himself together, literally, and resurrected back into Godville, as every hero somehow knows how to do.
“No thanks to you, Kaona!” he grumbled, for the process makes heroes rather surly.
Kaona’s attention arrowed in on him. “Off to the Arena with you,” she purred. “It’s time you fought a duel in my honor!”
In one whirling moment Richard found himself in the center of the Godville arena facing an equally bewhildered opponent. “In Kaona I Trust!” he shouted, while his foe responded rather uncertainly with “Guide me, great one.”
Kaona chortled. “This is going to be good! He’s fighting a girl!”
After the preliminary name-calling and obligatory insults, Richard and his foe strove mightily, taking several time-outs for prayers. Kaona shouted encouragements at intervals, mistakenly healed both – oops – then sat back and relaxed. Both heroes descended to their final single hp, then with a roll of the dice Richard of Pasadena won! “Wow, this winner-takes-all stuff feels great!” he exulted. “Riches, healing, and a new gold brick for your temple, Kaona!”
“It’s rather nice heroes have no clue about the future,” Kaona reflected. “Keeps things fun.”
Expanding Social Life
Somehow through the endless slaying of monsters, visits to towns, a few deaths and resurrections while questing, Richard of Pasadena met other heroes in similar derring do actions. One befriended him, then another – and another.
“Who are these people?” Kaona idly wondered. “I suppose I could request sparring sessions with one or two to accelerate Richard’s skills – he has none. Naw, too boring.”
So she sent a strong suggestion to acquire a skill on his own, which Richard put on the bottom of his to-do list. Eventually he did pay for a slight skill, but not before he came to the level of questing to join a guild.
“That idiot!” thundered Kaona. “I and only I will choose his guild!” She quickly sent down the directive Join the “Ankh-Morpork City Watch” guild. And sent it again. And again.
“Ah,” said Richard of Pasadena. “I think I’d better change my guild quest to Join the Ankh-Morpork City Watch guild so that My Lady can communicate with the other gods and goddesses of this guild. And I will get free beer at the Mended Drum!”
And so it came to pass.