Hero

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Hydronium

level 97

Broken Masquerade!

Age 7 years 9 months
Personality neutral
Guild no guild
Monsters Killed about 329 thousand
Death Count 142
Wins / Losses 33 / 7
Temple Completed at 01/18/2017
Ark Completed at 07/31/2019 (218.3%)
Twos of Every Kind 790m, 820f (79.0%)
Savings 11M, 52k (36.8%)
Pet Dreaded gazebo Woody

Equipment

Weapon The Schwartz +105
Shield pocket protector +105
Head bucket of sensory deprivation +107
Body waist of space +106
Arms ham fists +106
Legs leviathong +105
Talisman soulstone +106

Skills

  • mass effect level 95
  • shiny heels level 89
  • iron vortex level 76
  • lossy compression level 71
  • mosquito roar level 70
  • epitaph writing level 69
  • opacity control level 66
  • selfish interest level 66
  • tin throat level 58
  • win on points level 57

Pantheons

Gratitude1913
Might6689
Templehood22098
Gladiatorship7650
Storytelling50

Achievements

  • Honored Renegade
  • Animalist, 1st rank
  • Builder, 1st rank
  • Careerist, 1st rank
  • Favorite, 1st rank
  • Shipwright, 1st rank
  • Fiend, 2nd rank
  • Hunter, 2nd rank
  • Invincible, 2nd rank
  • Martyr, 2nd rank
  • Moneybag, 2nd rank
  • Raider, 2nd rank
  • Savior, 2nd rank
  • Seadog, 2nd rank
  • Champion, 3rd rank
  • Dueler, 3rd rank
  • Saint, 3rd rank

Hero's Chronicles

A Creation Story

A god stares at the blank page. He would presumably be putting his soul into this new god; it would have to be named something more dignified than “Creative God Name”.

The god ponders for what seems to be eons. This new god would represent him completely from now on. He recalls the legend of a hydra, about how its heads would return once they were cut off. This would be fitting, the god supposed. The god begins to mold his new creation after this legend, granting it part of the names of two famous hydra-like monsters, Hydreigon and Hydranoid.

Well, they actually weren’t famous at all. The god just liked obscure references.

Satisfied, he sits back. Then, he scrolls down. Oh right, he had to name the hero too.

The god gives a divine shrug. It wasn’t like the hero mattered. He begins to type the godname into the heroname box. Maybe he could use the same name. The godname was quite clever. However, mid-word, autocorrect strikes, changing the name. Grumbling, the god goes to correct it but decides he would rather not bother.

And that is how Hydronium, the (mostly) heroic ion was created.

Hydronium and the Bad Pun

One day, Hydronium wakes up as a cat.

After wandering around in circles in confusion and meowing pitifully for several minutes, he decides to ask for divine guidance.

“My Lady, why am I a… cat?” Hydronium prays. He even attempts to kneel into a praying position and put his paws together. Being a cat, this is rather difficult.

He receives a divine response quickly, his goddess’s voice echoing uncomfortably in his head. Hydronium could swear that his goddess is stifling laughter.

“Oh, I did that,” the goddess says with a giggle, “Don’t you get it Hydronium? It’s a pun because you’re now a PAWsitive CATion. Get it?”

Hydronium shakes his adorable little kitty head.

“Don’t make me explain it! It’s a chemistry joke,” the goddess grumbles, “Because hydronium is a positive ion? A CATion? You know, like H3O+?”

“…what’s chemistry?”

Hydronium in the Arena

A while later, Hydronium finds himself suddenly transported to a front-row seat in the Arena. Below him, were two heroes smacking each other with their weapons, and occasionally attempting witty one-liners.

Hydronium watches with interest. So this was the fabled Godville Arena! He is glad that his goddess had sent him here, as a respite from all that questing. Watching the suffering of other heroes was so entertaining!

Finally, one of the heroes succumbs to her wounds and is carted off the field. Hydronium claps wildly.

Then the announcer speaks.

“And now, the next fighters: Hydronium and Dudetta!”

The clapping quickly fades. Hydronium manages to squeak a high-pitched “Wait, what?” before he is teleported in front of another hero.

He stares, confused at his opponent. What was he supposed to do? This (relatively rare) attempt to think is interrupted by Hydronium’s opponent charging at him and hitting him with the wrong end of the weapon. It removed a few health points anyways.

Hydronium mutters a quick prayer, “My lady, please, help?”

A loud voice from the skies replies, “SMITE THE OPPONENT, IDIOT”

“…what did you say?”

“SMITE! ATTACK! KILL! HIT!”

Hydronium looks back at his opponent (who is still smashing the handle of his weapon into Hydronium’s face), blinks several times in confusion, and shrugs. Smiting did seem like a lot of work.

There is a loud, divine sigh as several lightning bolts, fireballs, and explosive sheep strike Hydronium’s opponent in succession.

The heroic ion soon finds himself on top of the winner’s podium, arena winnings filling his pockets. Well, that wasn’t so bad, he concludes, I just need to sit back and let My Lady do all the work.

Hydronium and the Alt

Hydronium gives his now-practically-trademarked blank, confused stare to his newly added friend. The other hero looked almost exactly like him. Instead of Hydronium’s blank stare and vapid smile, the other hero smirked. Oh, and the other hero had a goatee.

“Who… are you?” Hydronium asks hesitantly.

“I’m Hydroxide, the prophet of Dragonitenoid.” the other hero replies smugly. The negative ion looks down at Hydronium, steepling his fingers.

“Wow…” Hydronium mutters. Such a similar name and god! This probably wasn’t a coincidence. “Are you… related to me?”

Hydroxide cackles with mirthful glee, before grinning complacently. “You could say that… I suppose.”

Hydronium inspects the other hero again. It’s like looking in a broken mirror, he thinks, He’s a twisted, more negative version of myself. Finally, Hydronium’s confused gaze fades. “Oh! You’re my twin! Or clone!”

Hydroxide claps slowly and sarcastically. “Finally you figured it out. It was obvious, after all. You’re my evil twin.”

Hydronium’s expression snaps back to his confused frown. He looks down at himself, patting down his equipment, almost as if he expected a huge sign to be attached to him labeling him as “evil”. He then glances at his talking donkey and shrugs. “Me? An evil twin? But…but… I have a higher level. I’m the main hero. And you have a goatee and everything!”

“Your personality is pure evil,” Hydroxide says sagely.

Hydronium pulls up his hero page and scrolls down to his alignment. Stunned, he lets go of the tablet. His jaw drops, making him resemble a fish. An extremely confused and evil fish, that is.

“Well, then shouldn’t we be fighting? Because I’m evil and you’re good? We’re doomed to cancel each other out in a firey, er, watery reaction.”

Hydroxide shrugs. “I don’t really feel like it right now.”

“Oh.”

The two heroes stare at each other silently for a few seconds.

“…Let’s just go share a beer at the tavern instead.”

“Sure!”

Hydronium in the Arena, the Sequel

Hydronium finds himself in the Godville Arena once more. Delighted, he unsheathes his weapon, faces his opponent, and grins viciously (he had really taken the pure evil thing to heart). The opponent doesn’t look too impressed.

“My goddess shall utterly annihilate you!” he shouts as the battle begins, hoping to make up for the initial lack of reaction.

Both heroes decide to spend the first turn praying. Naturally, Hydronium spends his turn demanding his goddess to smite the opponent.

Surprisingly, his goddess responds this time. “You didn’t even say your motto!” she says indignantly.

“Well, it isn’t that impressive. It doesn’t even make any sense! How am I supposed to terrify my enemies?” Hydronium replies.

“It’s a Bakugan reference, okay? They’re almost as good as chemistry puns.”

“Well, I think your motto and its stupid reference sucks.”

Hydronium gets back up from his praying position to halfheartedly lunge at his opponent. He is sure that his goddess will divinely punish the other duelist anyways.

Therefore, Hydronium is quite shocked on the third turn as not one, but two lightning bolts hit him in succession. That wasn’t fair! Gods couldn’t punish twice in a turn.

Unless… his goddess had punished him in addition to the opposing god? No, she’d never do that on purpose, he tells himself, Because she always wants me to win!

Despite his efforts, Hydronium quickly falls to his opponent’s blade and several more lightning bolts. The speed of the loss almost appeared to be divinely mandated.

As he is carried out of the arena, Hydronium mentally goes over the start of the battle, and anything he could have possibly done wrong then. Maybe he had angered his goddess somehow…

With a jolt, Hydronium finally realizes why his goddess punished him at the beginning of the duel.

It was quite obvious, actually.

Well, duh! It was just an unlucky backfire.

Hydronium and Smiting

Hydronium stands on a half-constructed wall outside his temple. In front of him is a small crowd of low-level heroes and monsters. Hydronium glances down at a few note cards made from ripped out pages of his diary.

“You see,” Hydronium shouts, “Those who displease my Lady are subjected to the most horrible punishments, for she is truly omnipotent! We are mere insects to her, meant to be squished. It is only the Almighty One’s own twisted sense of amusement, her need to see our suffering to be stretched out, that keeps her from raining hellfire upon us all!”

In the crowd, Dogmeat the prancing pony passes around a helmet to be filled with donations.

Hydronium continues his speech, “Those who do not convert and aid me in my divine quest shall be subjected to brutal storms of lighting, fire, and, uh, more fire!”

The crowd looks rather bored, but a few gold coins go into the helmet anyways, probably more out of pity than of awe at Hydronium’s speaking skills.

Hydronium, sensing the discontent of the crowd, kneels down into a praying position, nearly falling off the wall. “In fact, I will show my Lady’s power now! I shall call upon her to punish the unworthy, the worthless, the unbelievers! She shall show you her wrath!”

Dogmeat hops up beside Hydronium and dumps the helmet of gold coins into Hydronium’s inventory.

Hydronium takes a deep breath. “My Lady, I demand you, SMITE!”

The crowd goes silent, letting the command echoes around the construction site of the temple.

Suddenly, somebody gasps. A large, glowing fireball descends from the heavens. The crowd is stunned as it floats down… and impacts with Hydronium’s face.

Hydronium begins to stand up, hair on fire. Before he can get up completely, he is hit with a lightning bolt. Hydronium’s eyes widen and he wheels his arms wildly before he falls backward off the wall.

There is a loud thump, followed by what seems like an hour of Hydronium’s screams of pain, desperate pleas for help, and groaning reactions to bad chemistry puns. The crowd winces and hurries away.

Finally, the divine slapstick show ends. The crowd is long gone. Hydronium stands up and glares at his now half-full hp bar. A loud, reverberating voice fills the deserted temple.

“I cannot believe I just spent 4 charges trying to melt a stupid gold brick!”

Hydronium Finishes His Temple

Hydronium, sitting on the roof of his shiny golden temple, places the last brick in its place.

He breathes a sigh of relief. No more excessive fireballs and lightning strikes in an attempt to melt bricks. No more having to spend his gold as quickly as possible, before it was all removed by a well-timed influence. And Hydronium could definitely show off his temple to Hydroxide and make him jealous.

Hydronium climbs down and moves back so he can admire his glimmering golden temple. A small smirk makes its way across his face.

“It’s spectacular! My gold temple is be-Au-tiful!” he exclaims.

Thunder rumbles.

“Hey, I only make chemistry puns periodically!”

Hydronium is hit with a falling rock, struck with lighting, and cursed with an itchy nose at the same tine.

Somewhere, a goddess mutters, “That was a terrible one, even by my standards.”