Gorgeous George has finally completed his temple. And he has also enjoyed foolishly spending his money to get there. At first, when he curiously downloaded this app on his iphone and spewed out another hero to litter the lands of Godville, it was a lonely experience for him. Gorgeous George had no idea what the hell was going on in this weird yet wonderful game and to make matters worse, he had no friends.
But he noticed the pantheons and he said to himself “Gorgeous George fancies to have a place in those”
He noticed the Arena and the chance to fight other Heros and he said "Gorgeous George shall fight other heros in the arena and become like other gladiator champions such as Spartacus and some geezer called “Godzillla”
He noticed the ideabox and said “Gorgeous George shall make his mark by submitting awful ideas and tell everybody how to do it”
And so he started playing and then he noticed a gold brick his hero obtained and he said “Hmm, this is nice and shiny, I vow that I’ll get a thousand of those and have a temple constructed in my name.” It was by pure and utter chance that that was actually one of the main points of the game.
And so he ploughed on. He started reading Wiki articles, reading Forum and Guild threads, learning from others, realising there are other n00bs like him. He eventually contributed stuff, (long lost in the forum archives by now), shy and timid at first, fearing a seering backlash from the ‘experienced ones’. That didn’t happen. (Well actually, there was this one guy but that’s not important right now).
He got a bit braver, achieved his goal by submitting his Idea Fail Guide and got noticed by some sorry SOBs in the form of an angry red flashing LED, an immoral rodent and meat-headed, yet lovable jester. And so he ended up with these sorry bunch of losers infamously known as the LEAGUE OF ADJUDICATORS. Gorgeous George felt welcome and felt that he could express himself in the form of a guy who is like…..really, really, really Gorgeous. It worked.
The guys (secretly jealous of course) mocked him and poked fun at him but that didn’t stop the ladies swooning at his feet. His workout DVD sales went through the roof. He had fun, parties and adventures, he had friends. And most importantly, he had a hero that worshipped and loved him.
Gorgeous George realises that this is meant to be a “Hero’s Chronicles” but he frankly doesn’t care and prefers talking about himself.
But for the sake of conformity, here goes.
Alex The Average in a nutshell:
He got born. He grew up. One day he saw a poster of George Clooney and said “I’ll worship him. He’s so ruggedly handsome and I want to be like him. He’s my Idol”
And Gorgeous George was pleased with such devotion and crowned him his champion.
Alex The Average is now a hero and now has the ability to die and resurrect like Torchwood’s Captain Jack Harkness….without the overly homoerotic bits…and WW2 jacket.
Initially, Alex The Average was aspiring to be Alex The Great but that name was already taken by some ancient Greek warrior shmuck who resembled Colin Farrell…again without the gay bits. So aiming for the name of Alex The Above Average will have to do.
But the road is still long and never-ending, the quests are still many and Gorgeous George every once in a while, still occasionally checks in on him. Well, his pet actually, to see if the bugger is still alive…what with the Taming Badge being a whopping 75 points in iPhone’s Gamecentre Achievements…who could blame Gorgeous George for wanting it?
But Alex The Average doesn’t really need to know that. He does what he does best.
And that’s the way it should be.
Learning from one’s mistakes
Call him egotistic, selfish, vain, an attention seeking missile. Gorgeous George is proudly all these things. And very good looking indeed. But not perfect albeit 99.999% there. He may be a master in demonstrating how to make a bad idea but a few slip ups on the way has set him back from achieving perfection in the bad idea arena. The following are (disastrously) approved ideas, that Gorgeous George has published in the hopes that others do not make the same mistake…
Artifacts
New – @ warped drive
New – shoestring budget
anti-social network
Monsters’ Rights Movement Pamphlet
secret identity card
magical metal attractor
tetris straight piece
non-existential spoon
major setback
spot of bother
space-time fabric conditioner
writer’s cramp
single malt scotch-tape
drink-riding licence
Diary Entries
New – Heard the voice of the almighty and immediately obeyed. Ran over to %pet_name% and heeled.
New – Told the trader’s {daughter|son} that {she|he} was drunk. {She|he} told me that I was ugly and {she|he}’ll be sober later.
New – Managed to beat the %monster% single handedly. Had no other option really since it lopped off the other hand at some point earlier in our fight.
New – In its dying moments, the %monster%, lifted off its head mask to reveal that is was, after all this time, a %random_monster% all along. What a brilliant twist!
New – My enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so am I. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm me, and neither do I.
New – Note to self: Noted
New – Overcome by the %monster%, I boldly told it “I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.” Well, next life it is then.
New – Gave a piece of my mind to the %monster%. It also gratefully accepted a piece of my arm, leg and most of my chest.
New – It seems that you can get more of what you want with a %current_weapon% and a kind word, than you can with just a kind word.
New – Wanted to reap what I sowed. All I got back were seeds again.
New – It was love at first sight. My eyes locked with those of the trader’s {son|daughter} and for what seemed like forever, we gazed at each other affectionately and nothing else mattered. Then I spoke.
New – Dug a hole. Found a bald eagle hiding from feather poachers.
New – Wanted to take a feather from a bald eagle’s tail but decided against it. It was ill eagle.
New – Tried to kill two birds with one stone. 56 stones later, I’m still here. And starving.
It gives me absolutely no pleasure in taking a life, especially this %monster%.’s life. This %artifact% and %gold% should be enough to compensate for my displeasure.
I’ve been trying to make some new friends. But I can never find enough body parts on the road that are still fresh.
Smelled a milestone as I passed it. Odourless as usual. I just don’t understand it. It doesn’t make any scents?!
The guild doctor removed my appendix. Again.
The trader suddenly congratulated me for being the 10,000th customer and awarded me a %bold trophy%. Strange thing is, this shop only opened up yesterday.
Tried to persuade the trader that my eternal gratitude in exchange for %equipment% is valid tender. He’s wasn’t as dumb as I hoped. Gave %gold% instead.
Saw %friendname% lying in the field, quivering, shaking and looking close to death. I knew exactly what to do! One beer later, and he was up and good to go.
I laughed at the face of danger but I stopped out of pity when it started crying. Gave it a pat on the back and it cheered up again.
Repeatedly stabbed the %monster%’s corpse many, many times to make sure it was dead. Yup…it’s dead… and so is the loot, whatever it was. Ooo<img />…%gold%.
People are saying I have more money than sense. Whatever that means, I’m going to the tavern to prove them wrong!
(When retreating) O yea though I walk through the valley of shadow and death I shall fear no evil, unless however, I am very low on health, in which case I’m allowed to hide and quiver in a bush somewhere.
Darn it! I’ve died. Wait a minute…How am I writing this?….then again…how am I even thinking how I’m writing this?
(When dead). O Great One! Please hurry up and resurect me before I enter the afterlife. I’m pretty certain that the thousands I’ve slain are not waiting to embrace me with open arms and affection.
(Winter entry) The monsters outside are frightful, but the beer is so delightful, and since I have no gold, I will go, I’ll be bold and kill the foe!
A tavern! An invaluable place to acquire “information”to complete my quest. I’ll be a few hours.
If there was a pantheon for the most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be on it.
A wandering alchemist just told me that alcohol is a solution. I completely agree.
Opened the Mystery box with great anticipation and found a letter addressed to me saying that I have some sort of bank error in my favour and %gold% has been deposited in my savings account. Can’t it be deposited into my bar tab instead?
An idea struck me, but it disappeared before I had a chance to hit it back.
I’m trying to have a wash now %rg%, please stop peaking.
Wanted to spend some time at the shop but the trader only accepts gold coins.
Just figured out that the source of the wind is due to the waving trees. Your design, %rg%, never ceases to amaze me.
Concerned for my tendency to arrogantly mock my losing opponents, the guild doctor gave me some anti-gloating cream. Now i just can’t wait to rub it in.
Heroes have feelings too you know %rg%. For example, I feel hungry.
Saw %random_friend% in the tavern, looking sad. I asked him “Why the long face?”. An hour and a half later, I’m regretting I asked.
Had to pay a %gold% fine for parking %pet_name% in a disabled pet zone.
I’m shocked and surprise, %rg% at the murderous aggression this %monster% is showing me after the polite and courteous gesture I made. I only picked up its glove it accidentally dropped in front of me.
They say history is written by the victorious. That’s not true. For the record, I, %hero_name%, died this day at the hands of a %monster%.
Tried some pheromonal scents to make me more attractive to the opposite sex. Strangely, a %monster% immediately came running towards me. This relationship just isn’t going to work out.
Since when has there been such a thing as ‘Alcohol Free Day’? All the pubs were shut and I really needed to put my heavy collection of %gold% somewhere. This pensions and savings establishment will have to do.
Was about to order my first drink when a picture of a quaint, little cottage by the lake caught my eye. Seems like just the place to settle down one day so I left and invested %gold% towards that dream instead.
Investing into a long term retirement plan would be the wise and prudent thing to do. But that’s just so not me. Invested %gold% on a short term binge drinking plan instead.
Was told that ‘playing dumb’ can often get you out of trouble. So far, I’ve never needed to use that trick.
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s how everyone generalises.
Restored the balance to the poverty gap by donating one gold coin to a beggar. Felt proud and treated myself to %gold% worth of drinking at the tavern.
I was just advised that quest progress can be greatly increased by riding as far as possible from Godville while avoiding monsters. But that would be too easy.
I believe in myself. Even though thousands wouldn’t.
Part of me says that I should stop drinking. But the other part tells me “Don’t listen to him. He’s drunk!”
I’m getting that sinking feeling. This quicksand’s not improving my mood either.
I have a dream that one day, little hero boys and girls will be able to join hands with little monster boys and girls as sisters and brothers. This might even happen if I could get a date.
My attempt to show off my old battle scars at the tavern ended in utter embarrassment, since I forgot that they healed up and disappeared from my last resurrection.
Life goes on, as they say. Except mine is taking a short break.
Got fined %gold% for speeding over thirty milestones per hour.
A local merchant, savvy of my recent heroics, promised he’ll sponsor me if I %quest%. That sounds awesome and so off I go. What does sponsor mean?
Experienced a sudden premonition that clearly showed me a big chunk of how to %quest%. A good thing too. My original plan would have taken so much longer, including a tavern visit or two.
Thought I’d visit that fancy cocktail bar that all the trendy people are visiting. Went inside, sat down and ordered beer.
Took a giant leap for hero kind. Landed in a bog.
The %monster% completely vanished in front of my eyes, entirely erased from existence and memo…..hey? Where did this %x% gold and %artifact% come from?
Finally had a date last night. It tasted sweet!
Stumbled upon a vicious conspiracy involving traders, monsters, artifacts and the poor, victimized heroes in the middle of it all. Then I forgot about it all and went on my merry way.
A wise man just told me that great minds think alike. Of course they do! That’s why us heroes hang out in the tavern all the time.
I was not afraid to die. I was more afraid of how stupid I looked doing it.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life….or this %monster%’s life. Better get winning.
I’m sweetening to the idea that we have involuntary genetic instincts programmed inside of us. I mean, no one has specifically told me that I’m obliged to write in my diary every minute of my existence.
Got the feeling like my life is falling to pieces. My body actually being in pieces gave me a big clue.
Yet again, I’m happy to disprove the theory that lightning never strikes at the same place twice….
Thank %rg% it’s Friday! Tonight, I shall drink heavily in his / her name and I shall spend gold to help me do it.
Attended an Alcoholics Unanimous meeting at the last night. Don’t remember too much, but judging by the fact that I’ve just woken up lying face down in the gutter and that gold is missing, I think it went down successfully.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s…it’s…oh wait… I really can’t stand.
Started to make a short prayer for each monster’s life I have taken but changed my mind and made a short prayer for all of them together. I’d be here till next year otherwise.
Bought a load of eggs, put them into one basket and they all hatched before I had a chance to count them. Where did it all go wrong?
I have decided to pay respects to fallen comrades and foes. I will take a minute’s silence by not writing in my diary.
Having established that the %monster’s% fighting skills were excellent, I decided to test out its running speed.
A duel entry
%Attacker%’s verbal assault went from one ear of %defender% and out the other, doing plenty of damage in between.
Earthly News
New – Signing a life re-enrollment form…
New – Resisting the urge to panic…
New – Losing the will to be dead…
New – Being no good at being no good…
New – Signing an insurance waiver before fighting the %monster_name%…
New – Resisting conformity, like everyone else…
New – Setting wrong what once was right…
Drinking beer heavily to fulfil {his|her} recommended daily allowance of nutrients..
Avoiding the cracks on the path…
Fighting under the influence…
Realising that the good guys don’t always win…
Learning from {his|her} mistakes. Again…
Momentarily taken in by the %monster%’s sob story…
Having a really, really bad day…
Confidently striding down the wrong path…
Dithering on which skill to use on the monster..
The horror! The horror!..
Courageously, heroically and ever so bravely, fleeing the monster…
Hitting the road. With {his|her} face…
Trying to convince the monster that {he|she} has a fundamental right to slaughter it…
Striking down on the monster with great vengeance and furious anger….
Demonstrating {his|her} skills in unintentional comic timing…
Hearing roars of joy and relief after leaving the town…
Consulting the self-help book “Paths: Which one is right for you?”…
Losing signal strength…
A layman is describing the quest in hero’s terms so that {he|she} can understand…
Blissfully ignorant and unaware…
Honing {his/her} skills at public drunken disorder…
Stumbling hopelessly at the first phase of {his/her} cunning plan…
Running like the wind, in slow motion…
Equipment
Weapon: hole puncher
Feet: cubic feet
Head: Pink fluffy Ear muffs
Talisman: magnetic charm
Monsters
New – old beagle
Holy Mass Murderer
Terror Bull
The Fat Cat
Thunder Rat
Nine Inch Snail
Rock Tzar
Nouveau Witch
Wild Guest
Wall Martyr
Vintage Whiner
Uranium Slug
Baloonatic
Psychopathogen
Quests
prove there’s more to life then questing and levelling up
be the wrong person at the wrong place at the wrong time
Seize the day and hold it for ransom
Re-invent the wheel
Paint the grass on your side greener than the other side
travel back in time to prevent yourself from starting this quest.
sack the city, but provide a generous severance package
get with the program
figure out what the heck is going on
achieve an epic fail
unlearn what what you have learnt
execute the annual spring clean of %your guild%
take a time-out and sit in the corner.
count from 1 to 10…without using fingers
avenge your own death
Skills
Transport Skill: jay walking
Trade skill: therapy shopping