THE BEGINNING: It’s been an amazing first year! Started out completely clueless and am still completely clueless, consistency is key! My pet Woody has been with me from the start, he is indeed a very significant otter (even if he is a zombie)!! I was such a young, broke, inexperienced heroine back then…and that was sooo much beer money!! The Almighty is hopeful that year two will include the completion of her temple…. chances are good she’ll be disappointed since my goal is to spend my gold faster than she can melt it into bricks. And on that note, I’m off to the tavern!
p.s. Today, June 28, 2015 I at last achieved the personality pure good! ranking #1 in the Pantheon of Creation!! Now I shall cross over to the dark side and see where I can place in the Pantheon of Destruction ~ evil laugh ~
p.s.s. August 9, 2015 4:32 PM Dearest diary, today was the day! I carefully laid the last brick, swept all the rooms, opened all windows to let your glorious light shine in. I can’t believe it, your temple is finally finished, my Lady! I feel delirious with happiness.
p.s.s.s. I MADE THE PAPERS!!
August 11, 2015 Godville Times
Famous Heroes of Godville
Faithful Worshipper – 51st-level adventurer, member of the “bakhara” guild, with the motto “Drinks are on me!”, stands at the 42nd position in the pantheon of destruction under the vigilant supervision of the goddess Glorious Deity. Her worst enemy – a Godville Administrator. Favorite trophy – something that looks like generic goodness in a bottle. She is also a huge fan of Lostway’s pubs.
Daily pondering
12:18 PM Isn’t lightning just a little cliche, Omnipotent One? How about something new and exceedingly painful next time? It’ll amuse us both!
8:57 AM I was just wondering… As a heroine, am I supposed to have a secret identity or something? Oh, and maybe I should get a costume. I’d look great in tights!
9:35 PM My Lady, as I behold your beautiful creation I can’t help but wonder: was there life before Godville?
12:43 PM I hate censorship. Why can’t I even write **** in my own ****ing diary?!
9:54 PM I accidentally stabbed myself with my weapon. So… is this what I’ve been doing to others?
4:26 PM My Goddess, if something happens to me and I forget to record it in my diary, will it still have happened?
4:40 PM Dear Lady, most omniscient, beneficent, and unpredictable, whose existence was, is, and forever shall be eternal and interminable; the delight of my eyes and the song of my heart, whose wisdom flows like a waterfall unto… I forgot what I was going to say.
1:13 PM At first, I thought it was a painted board. Upon closer inspection, I realized that a piece of the sky really had fallen on my head. I’m slightly unnerved now, because the Exalted One has so much more ammunition up there…
10:09 PM They say a good smack to the head can make you speak other languages. Je ne crois pas à ces sornettes…
8:40 AM My Lady, how is money the root of all evil when you are around?
5:07 AM It’s quite nice to walk along this road at night. Thanks to all the lightning bolts and healing beams, it isn’t that hard to see after all.
10:31 AM Mighty One, if I do something evil but do it very badly, does that make me good?
1:21 PM An invisible force grabbed me by the ankles, dipped me head-first in a pond, and scrubbed my mouth out with soap. Exalted One, was it something I said?
5:41 PM Mmm… Lightning… My Lady, is it still punishment if I like it?
12:23 AM Oh, come on, Exalted One! That was weak! I’ve touched lightning bugs that zap harder than that!
7:33 AM I drew a picture of you, Great One. Could you stick it on your heavenly fridge?
11:11 AM My legs are sore from walking everywhere. Exalted One, can you teach me how to teleport? Pretty please?
8:23 AM I’ve been wondering, Exalted One: does my birthday change with each resurrection?
12:01 AM My glowing aura of rage slowly faded, then vanished. Now how will I cycle safely on the roads at night?
9:12 PM My legs are sore from walking everywhere. My Lady, can you teach me how to teleport? Pretty please?
12:11 PM 24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day. Coincidence? I think not.
8:49 PM You know, Almighty, I never really wanted to be a heroine. I’ve always wanted to be a lumberjack.
4:38 PM ‘I am Faithful Worshipper, Drinks are on me! Raaaaaaaargh!’ Great One, what do you think? Does it sound impressive?
9:16 AM Woody wants to go back to town because his inventory’s full, but I’m not ready to return yet. He looks peeved, but how heavy can a few dead frogs and a ball of wool be, anyway?
9:49 AM Can you hear me, Exalted One? I’m never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.
7:23 PM I’m worried that my significant otter is hanging with a bad crowd. What should I do, Soul Supreme?
3:00 AM Did some thinking and concluded that the Almighty has the heart of a dove and it’s filled with love.
6:08 PM My Goddess, why do I seem to be your only follower? Don’t you have other people to yell “Drinks are on me!” or do stupid, almost heroic things in your name?
8:20 AM If I’m meant to be a great heroine, shouldn’t I have a mysterious birthmark or something?
If pet owners look like their pets, and if I’m made in your image, Soul Supreme, does that mean you look like a big stinky significant otter?
Moments of Brilliance…or epic stupidity (depending who you ask)
9:31 PM Complained to the doctor that I keep experiencing sharp pain in my left eye whenever I drink pina coladas. After asking me to demonstrate, he firmly advised me to take out the straw first if I am to chug it straight from the glass.
2:26 PM Used my handy pepper spray on the monster after killing it. Didn’t make it as tasty as I expected. Mouth is going numb…
4:34 PM Lost 645 coins gambling, even though I was counting cards. This roulette table must be fixed.
10:00 AM My “Wanted” poster on the city gate said, “At Large.” Had to correct it to, “At Los Adminos.”
7:42 AM Tried singing myself a soothing lullaby, but was kept awake by howling dogs and flying vegetables.
7:33 PM Paid 1573 coins and registered ‘Drinks are on me!’ in the Beerburgh Registry of Mottos.
12:16 PM Just woke up to find that some scoundrel had stolen all my stuff and replaced it with exact duplicates.
8:15 PM Suddenly all the chocolate chips in my cookies turned into raisins. Great One, I know you are mighty and angry and stuff, but sometimes you take it too far.
1:17 PM Noticed a poster on a tree that said ‘Faithful Worshipper: wanted dead or alive’. Carefully struck out ‘dead or’, just in case.
3:34 PM Drew some nonsensical pictures on the walls of a cave I was passing. Hopefully in the future, archeologists will jump to wild and ridiculous conclusions about our culture while I’m laughing at them with you, Luminous One!
3:18 AM Saw a thousand bees magically swarming above me in a pool of sunlight. Then realized I was standing right under their hive…
3:21 PM The Low-flying Ostrich suddenly froze mid-strike. Not sure what to do, I spell checked my diary, played fetch with Woody, and counted my coins. Upon reanimating, he thanked me for being a hero of honor by not killing him as he stood there helpless. Darn! Why didn’t I think of that earlier?
9:48 AM Other heroes love it when I draw the letter ‘X’ on the ground. They swarm around it as soon as I leave, cheering excitedly, with shovels in their hands.
11:08 AM Found a bucket of flammable substance labelled “Nitroglycerine”. I’d better kick it aside before some idiot does something stupid with it.
11:34 PM Woody looked hot, so I trimmed his fur. Then he looked cold, so I knitted the fur into a cardigan for him. Now he looks adorable. And annoyed.
9:15 AM Wandered into a cottage in the woods, and saw three bowls of porridge. One was too hot, another was too cold. The third was just right, but it was still porridge. I just drank all the beer in the place and left.
11:02 AM I found my name in a heart with an arrow through it carved into a tree. I think someone is planning to kill me.
11:55 AM Fell down a well. While waiting for Woody to bring help, managed to collect 43 gold coins from heroes wishing for better lives. Score!
Why?? 10:20 AM Left the book of time stamps at a resting place, alongside a week’s stock of food supplies.
4:33 AM Crushed my “Your deity loves you!” poster into a fine powder and applied it to my wounds. It had no effect whatsoever. I’m not sure why I thought it would.
3:17 AM Glued a sword handle to a large rock, then sat back and giggled to myself as I watched other heroes waste their time pulling on it. That was a fun couple of hours.
1:50 AM Almighty, I just gave 798 coins to kids to have your name written all over the city and especially on taverns and holy places. Now everybody can really see you in everything.
8:56 AM An epic but short burst of music played mysteriously, and the words “Level Up!” appeared above my head in glorious 3D. Seems I’m level 45 now!
6:41 PM I paid 926 gold coins to have “Drinks are on me!” tattooed on my chest, but I was ripped off, Great One! I just looked in the mirror and it’s written backwards!
3:07 AM Met up with Cronion and challenged him to see who could kick a wasp’s nest the furthest. We both lost.
10:30 AM The doctor told me I needed to start drinking more. Also, I’m calling myself the doctor now.
2:54 PM I can’t believe I’m level 44 already. People tell me that I look much younger though, and I still act like a total noob.
1:28 AM Took a right turn and found a traveling tavern hidden in the woods. Tears of joy ran down my face as the barkeep placed a cold beer in front of me. 78 gold coins seems steep, but where else was I going to get a drink out here?
12:54 AM For a moment, I thought a tiny monster was trying to strangle me. Then I realized my armor was on backwards.
What are Friends for!
Ran into friends at the tavern and ended up betting on a drinking contest. Long story short, Soul Supreme, I’m out 977 gold coins, the tavern is a wreck, and the barkeep is considering a restraining order….GOOD TIMES!!
Guild Update
(4/23/15) Exciting news!! The second Godville guild leader elections have concluded and my Goddess, Glorious Deity, has been voted in as Bakhara guild leader! I wonder how this will benefit me…perhaps she will name a beer after me, maybe I will get my own holiday…more importantly, will I be able to throw my weight around for free drinks at the tavern?! I have been a proud member of the bakhara guild a year now and have advanced in rank to matriarch! Next rank, Regent. For Bakhara!!
Epic Battles Moments
3:38 AM I asked the Godville Administrator if it could assist me on my weight-loss program. It duly complied by ripping my arm off. Oh, how we laughed before I slipped into unconsciousness and died of blood loss!
3:34 PM Notes from the arena: Joanne Carow is on her knees. Faithful Worshipper salutes to the heavens! The winner got richer by 767 coins and a golden brick.
9:06 PM Notes from the arena: Cygate is unconscious. Faithful Worshipper successfully fulfilled the goal of praising her deity! The winner receives a gold brick and 1555 coins.
8:19 AM Notes from the arena: Gilgames is on his knees. Faithful Worshipper salutes to the heavens! The winner got richer by 463 coins and a golden brick.
8:13 AM Representatives of the Rare Mobs Association are chanting from their seats in the stands: “Faithful Worshipper is a ruthless killer!”
(poor dummy) 8:00 AM The crowd here must love me! As soon as I entered the arena they began showering me with gifts from the stands. I added a security blanket, a truth embellisher, and a cliff’s hanger to my inventory, as well as several pieces of soft fruit for my next meal.
8:56 AM The Angry Camper gave me a sappy, teary-eyed look, so I decided to spare its life. It’s good to be good!
The heroine has landed such an artful combo that even the Godville Administrator is applauding…
1:53 PM The Nine Inch Snail threw a globe of Discworld, 41 coins and some xp at me, and told me to come back and fight it when I’d had a shower. Cheek!
Notes from the arena: Bowhan is on his knees. Faithful Worshipper salutes to the heavens! Extra gold prize collected by the fans for the winner is 19857 gold coins. The winner got richer by 71 coins and a golden brick.
Tried to get a painting done of my battle with the Dogfather, but the artist didn’t have enough red paint to properly capture my injuries.
What are Pets for!
10:44 AM Upon reaching your temple, Exalted One, I encountered a group of parishioners so thick I couldn’t get in, but Woody soon sent them fleeing in terror. Great! Now what am I supposed to do with this blue brick they left on the altar?
9:37 AM There was a full moon last night. All that moonlight was a bit eerie, but after howling for a while with Woody I felt much better.
3:58 PM I’m so ashamed. Woody finally had to go over and ask another significant otter for directions. He’ll never let me live this down.
9:54 AM During our last rest stop, Woody performed some gothic dances in honor of the god of monsters. Please forgive him, Omnipotent One.
7:55 AM Woody suddenly doubled in size and began to punch the living daylights out of the Centaur of Gravity. Hey, wasn’t that what I was supposed to do?
7:51 AM A preacher said that animals were not allowed in the temple, but Woody growled fiercely and quickly persuaded the cleric to change his mind.
4:55 AM Woody snorted disdainfully and laughed at my futile attempts to break through the firewall. Now he’s making faces at me. If you think it’s so easy, why don’t you try it yourself, you silly significant otter?
4:18 PM Woody suddenly doubled in size and began to punch the living daylights out of the Paladjinn. Hey, wasn’t that what I was supposed to do?
10:49 AM Frantically rubbed my fingers in Woody’s fur, generating static electricity. Fear me and my shocking powers!
6:58 AM Woody howled at the moon in lamentation.
5:45 PM Misplaced my troubled clef. Must think of some new way to blame this on Woody…
7:27 AM I was going to go out drinking, but Woody beat me to it. He stole 962 gold coins from my purse and is now buying everyone a round of drinks in a pet bar called “The Doghouse”.
2:46 PM Woody stood in front of me and enthusiastically wagged his tail as I scratched his ears. It wasn’t his fault that the attacking monster got flogged in the process. That’ll teach the Drop Bear about interrupting heroine-significant otter time!
2:44 PM It turns out that a significant otter sure can come in handy! Who knew that his fur could polish my armor?
4:26 AM Played fetch with Woody. I squealed happily when he brought back a pack of unicorn meatballs, then screamed in terror when I saw the Alpha Centaur chasing him.
11:05 PM “A happy significant otter means a happy hero.” That is what I shall keep telling myself until Woody is done destroying my rules of the Internet.
10:48 AM Observed Woody carefully to learn more about edible plants. Turns out the only thing safe to eat in this forest is my loop hole.
9:34 AM I found a beautiful prince, and we shared a long, soulful, romantic kiss… And then I woke up, to find Woody licking my face.
2:27 PM Carried Woody on my shoulders, so that he could see over the tall grass and alert me to possible danger. So far he’s alerted me to a ball of yarn, a dead pigeon and a lady significant otter…
1:38 AM Woody used his ‘puppy eyes’ skill against the 101 Headed Dalmation. The 101 Headed Dalmation turned mushy, gave me a chordless guitar as a toy for him, and 102 coins to buy some better significant otter food.
9:03 PM Woody growled at the trader. The trader swallowed nervously and gave us a generous price.
10:03 AM I was suddenly ambushed by a significant otter and its cronies. I thought I was doomed until Woody leapt in front of me and growled fiercely. The creatures lowered their heads and backed away respectfully. I must remember to treat Woody next time we’re in town…
9:37 AM Woody looked hot, so I trimmed his fur. Then he looked cold, so I knitted the fur into a cardigan for him. Now he looks adorable. And annoyed.
9:14 AM Woody knocked over some candles in the temple. What a clumsy oaf! We hid behind a curtain and watched as a priest doused the flames with some holy water from a basin. Don’t worry, my Lady, it was a public temple and they don’t pray to you anyway…
3:24 PM My silly significant otter almost stumbled into a nearby lake. Oh, Woody, I’m so glad you didn’t drown… my resurrection policy doesn’t cover water damage.
12:28 PM Every time I tell Woody about my heroic deeds, he seems to work on his “unbearable boredom” skill. I wonder why?
8:24 PM As the air crackled with energy, my purse jerked and lightened. Woody coughed and abruptly yakked up an enormous hairball. Gleaming through the grey mess was a perfect golden brick! Woody belched contentedly and sat down to groom himself.
11:12 AM Frantically rubbed my fingers in Woody’s fur, generating static electricity. Fear me and my shocking powers!
Good significant otter!! 2:21 AM Told Woody to watch my beer while I deal with this 101 Headed Dalmation.
6:46 AM Caught Woody mocking me behind my back today by pretending to write in a diary and making a stupid face. Oh, Mighty One, must I be ridiculed by my own significant otter too?!
9:32 PM I’ve been trying to teach Woody to perform tricks, so I rewarded his successful backflip with my none-of-your-business card. He doesn’t know what it’s for, but he likes the pretty colors.
7:17 AM Woody proudly laid a dead Bully Mammoth at my feet and wagged his tail. I told him that it was nice and all, but I preferred my sacrifices to be paid in gold.
3:19 PM Woody, give that portable death star back to me! Give it back now! Um… Okay, eat it up then, it’s already broken.
3:25 PM If I had a gold coin for every gold coin Woody ate, I’d be rich.
2:45 PM I was lost so I decided to follow my pet. Ten minutes later I realized Woody was following me. I feel dizzy.
2:27 PM Laid down under a tree to die from severe wounds. Came back to my senses as Woody was performing CPR on me.
Softly singing a lullaby to Woody…
6:13 AM Woody tossed 10 gold coins into the donations cup. I wonder where he got that money? Oh well, it’s not important. To your glory, my Lady!
8:26 PM Woody suddenly raised his muzzle and roared loudly. The Evil Overlord and its fellows dispersed, shrieking with fear.
10:46 AM Woody looked up after hearing a thundering voice and started frantically sniffing the ground. I dug where he stopped and found 171 gold coins. Great job, Woody!
11:21 AM Woody suddenly got a very surprised look on his face and mumbled something that sounded like: “You’re a good egg Faithful Worshipper, don’t let anyone tell you differently!! Hugs and kisses!” Hmm, I thought he was of the non-talking kind.
12:35 PM Sven glowed and his eyes sparkled. It seems that my brute just achieved a new level.
Random Oddities
10:11 AM Just woke up to find that some scoundrel had stolen all my stuff and replaced it with exact duplicates.
1:42 PM Received a medal for setting a new record in the “Passage of The Last Man Lying” 5K marathon. I wonder if I should mention I was actually running away from that Colorblind Chameleon.
4:31 PM A wayward lightning bolt singed Woody’s fur into an even cuter hairdo. He looks upset but very stylish.
2:37 AM The Ideabox Guardian raised its hand for a deadly final strike against my beloved Woody, when I suddenly threw myself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, its neck broken. I’m dead but otherwise okay. Oh, my Goddess, why? I was so young…
12:09 PM Suddenly, an aura-scope cried out “Faithful Worshipper! You came back for me!”, and leapt off the shelves, into my arms. I’m sure there’s a simple explanation, but I don’t know what it is.
9:58 PM A Godville Administrator stopped by during my prayer hour, with a thank-you card signed “From all of us.” Neat.
7:43 PM I felt a sudden tingling and a surge coursed through my body, setting my hair ablaze. I appreciate your enthusiasm, Almighty. But next time, could you dial it back a little?
6:31 AM Stumbled upon an elven beehive. Laughed hard at the pointy-eared bees.
6:57 PM The doctor gave me some good news: I’m going to have a new disease named after me!
6:42 AM Got hit on the head with a gold brick. While I was out, someone stole three thousand coins from my purse. Strangely, he left the gold brick. Perhaps there was too much blood on it?
9:55 AM Decided to take fate into my own hands. It’s gooey!
A moment of silence…8:48 AM Saw a dead heroine who had lost all her equipment. Covered her politely with strategically placed fig leaves.
6:46 AM Tried using a Jedi mind trick on the trader. Got slapped in the face.
8:49 PM The healer gave me a tonic with the hair of all the monsters that bit me. Nearly choked on the giant furball.
1:36 PM Came across a board game in the forest that was playing itself. Felt an eerie sense of affection for it.
3:27 AM Tried to be good. Planted some flowers along the roadside and hugged some kittens.
10:45 AM Just encountered a Monster Of Ceremonies selling bootleg ‘Drinks are on me!’ T-shirts. It shall pay dearly for this trademark violation!
1:14 AM My Woody looked at me quizzically when I shouted “Stop trying to use common sense, Just pray and sacrifice to me and I’ll take care of it” at him instead of shouting “sit”.
12:54 AM For a moment, I thought a tiny monster was trying to strangle me. Then I realized my armor was on backwards.
Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can’t see….
10:49 AM Suddenly, I felt as free as a bird… I spoke to the wind, and my words were carried away… Oh, this vision was amazing, my Lady!
8:24 PM My vision faded to green and my movements slowed until I was completely stationary. Thought for a moment that I was dead, before realizing that I’d just walked,
01:52 PM Obviously! I handpicked my glorious deity, and am her sole and only worshiper, regardless of what other lying proselytizers say. My magnificent goddess knows that I made the correct decision.
My quest to determine who chose the chosen one has been completed! Received a pot of gold. Let’s go on a shopping spree!