12:07 AM I’m filthy and smelly. Don’t look at me, Soul Supreme. I’m unfit for your godly eyes. Give me a bathtub first, one with lots of bubbles and a rubber ducky please.
12:14 AM You know, Exalted One, it’s lucky that no matter how far I travel, and how strange the creatures I encounter are, everybody speaks English. And almost nobody speaks Russian.
12:17 AM Warning: The following diary entry is extremely graphic and some readers may find it questionable. Reader discretion is advised.
01:03 AM Yelled ‘Faith will Guide Me’ at the Supersonic Woodpecker and it died laughing. Found 21 gold coins.
05:55 AM I’ve managed to talk the talk with this Cantankerous Chimaera. Now it’s time to walk the walk. Very quickly and in the opposite direction.
05:58 AM Walked on the wild side. Saw things that made me blush.
06:01 AM The voices in my head are telling me to do things. Is that you, Almighty, or did I forget to take my medicine?
10:47 AM I am Yvonna Humpalot, and I approve this message.
07:34 AM The Passive Aggressor grew weary of my feeble attempts to kill it and showed me how to do it properly. Hey, that’s a good tactic! I picked up its 23 coins and a gold farmer’s almanac.
04:40 PM Something something Moving Target something something a graphite dispenser.
04:42 PM The Undead Maul Cop demands to review the results of our last fight. Well, I guess I have to show it to him one more time.
07:28 PM Fell into a hole in the fabric of space-time. Climbed back out again. No big deal.
08:17 PM I refused to sell my gold-plated fish for any price, but instead used it to buy 163 coins from the trader.
08:22 PM Tried to persuade the trader that my eternal gratitude was valid tender in exchange for pixie’s shoes. He wasn’t as dumb as I hoped. Ended up giving him 1084 coins instead.
08:45 PM Saw lightning strike a nearby tree. My Lord, please disregard all those times I prayed to be tall, green and leafy.
08:49 PM Got marked by a pigeon. Again. I’m starting to think my haircut must look like a bullseye from above.
08:52 PM Unintentionally stepped on a butterfly. Really hope the future is not in danger.
09:05 PM Passed by a smoldering town. I swear, Soul Supreme, I had nothing to do with that. Not this time at least…
09:08 PM A passerby asked me how to get to Godville. I didn’t know the directions, so I made some up.
10:19 PM Why is it that no campfire ever felt as warm as the morning sun on my back? Life is good sometimes.
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02:50 AM When I told the Grand Theft Automaton that my mission was to kill as many bosses as possible, its demeanor changed completely. It called me an honorary comrade of the Common Monsters’ Revolution and handed me a loading bar in recognition of my service to the cause. Weird.
02:57 AM Held a moment of silence for the heroes who died in battle. Then held a moment of noise for those who’d been resurrected.
03:06 AM Had a long, serious talk with myself. Didn’t understand a word.
07:43 AM Asked the Shock Therapist to kindly stop chewing on my leg. Pain makes it hard to deliver a killing blow.
The heroine is explaining to Shock Therapist that it is supposed to die when she performs a fatality…
07:48 AM Aha, vile Battle Hamster! I shall kill you to death or worse!
09:01 AM Found a yellow submarine at the seashore yesterday, but it was infested with beetles so I let it be.
02:23 PM The Dirt Devil said it was feeling down and needed a hug. So I gave it one. Around the neck. With a rope.
02:34 PM Joined a crusade against stupidity, but was immediately accused of being a double agent.
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02:28 AM Ouch, my gold is melting! Great One, if you’re all-powerful, why make me get all these golden bricks? Why don’t you just make your own temple?
02:29 AM I’m off to the bar to party like there’s no tomorrow. If there is one, I’ll call in sick.
09:12 PM I’ve been nervously keeping an eye out for possible monster ambushes. The guild doctor helpfully popped it back into its socket for me.
09:15 PM Standing behind my old therapist, while waiting in line for my new therapist. Awkward.
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02:54 PM The Godville Administrator leaned out of his box to gaze at the fight. The fighters fell to their knees in horror and awe.
03:49 PM New teeth… That’s weird.
10:30 PM Knelt beside a dying hero. His last words are still ringing in my ears: “See you later!”
10:34 PM Met a traveling bard who offered to teach me rock and roll. When I accepted, he knocked me off-balance with a rock and rolled me off a cliff. Almighty, why did you make me so gullible?
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04:27 AM Found a figment of Ganfor’s imagination… Wow, just wow.
09:12 AM Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies.
09:20 AM I think I found the fountain of doubt, but I’m not really sure it’s the real one.
09:22 AM It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Well, unless it’s the Dead Horse — then it’s even more fun.
09:23 AM A mysterious stranger came out from the shadows and finished off the Dead Horse I was battling. He then scampered away with the trophy. Hey, get back here, you coward!
06:27 PM It was right where the mayor said she left it, inside of a chicken inside of a duck inside of a fox inside of a lion inside of a cave at the top of the tallest mountain. Returned it, minus the various items of its contents I felt due as my reward.
My quest to find the Lost and Found box and return it to the mayor was a complete success. Got a slightly scuffed golden brick as a reward. I think I’d better use this brick in the back corner of the temple.
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09:07 AM Finally, I get a day off. To celebrate this time to myself, when I don’t have to do any questing, I think I’ll raise a family of dust bunnies, because I can!
09:35 AM Sometimes I like to smash open barrels and crates to see what’s inside them. Nobody seems to mind and it’s more lucrative than popping bubble wrap.
09:36 AM Is there a more fearsome sight in nature than that of me using my “acid tears” skill? Even though it’s suffering, the Significant Otter sure looks impressed.
09:41 AM My fight with the Kooky Monster didn’t determine who was right, but it did decide who was left. I won 32 gold coins and a chain letter opener as my reward for being the only one still standing.
09:41 AM Saw a homeless beaver begging by the side of the road. Didn’t give a dam.
06:25 PM Took a heavy blow to the head with consummate ease. For some reason, monsters seem to be under the impression that this part of me is vulnerable.
09:50 PM Can you hear me, Mighty One? I’m never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.
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09:29 PM When I volunteered to take part in the search for the Holy Packet, the questgiver said he had never seen such a sorry-looking heroine. He’s obviously never been to the tavern at closing time.
10:08 PM The doctor said that he could’ve healed me faster if the leeches didn’t keep falling off drunk.
10:09 PM Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to quest I go…
10:20 PM Remembered to expect the unexpected, but forgot to expect the expected.
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04:36 PM Saw That-one-guy running from an Earworm while I was fleeing from the Regenerating Degenerate. We joined forces and bravely fled together.
10:44 PM Convinced the Amiable Snowman that I deserved to be in its will more than its ungrateful family. Inherited an ice sculpture of a cube.
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06:46 AM I’m just going to copy and paste some previous entries. Hopefully the Almighty won’t blast me from the sky.
04:16 PM Harder, better, faster, stronger… I’m level 19 and I’m loving every minute of it!
08:22 PM Heard a bloodcurdling scream from the other side of the forest. Spent the next half hour frantically uncurdling my blood.
08:26 PM My fortune cookie told me not to believe everything I read. Am I supposed to believe that?
08:29 PM Stared at the moon. The moon stared back.
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08:32 PM Climbed a tree to lookout for any approaching monsters. Found an Air Guitarist that had climbed up there to scout for oncoming heroes. We kept watch together then went our separate ways.
Searching for the right path by looking in the last place it was seen…
08:36 PM Yelled “Geronimo!” then did nothing.
08:37 PM So the answer to the question, “Does a diary of a feral hero float?”, is a resounding no. It sinks like a rock. My loss is science’s gain.
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05:44 PM Spent a few minutes wondering what epic diary entry to write. Oh well, I’ll just write one later.
07:25 PM Note to self: “How am I writing in my diary while fighting?”
07:28 PM Um… Is my neck supposed to bend this way?
07:31 PM Tripped over a dead hero. Sued him for injuries sustained in the accident and won 487 gold coins in compensation from his pouch.
07:33 PM No pain, no gain, they say, so I hurt the Wasted Youth and gained its three-sided sandwich and 9 gold coins.
08:57 PM Took the path to glory. It was scenic, but littered with the bodies of fallen heroes.
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05:32 AM The Monstrous Appetite and I decided to ignore conventional turn-based fighting, and instead formed a wild dust cloud with our arms and legs sticking out.
02:00 PM The local monks said that the Great One is too busy being awesome for me to understand at the moment and cannot answer my prayers. What a pity.
09:55 PM Smoked a peace pipe with some wandering minstrels.
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05:16 PM Wu tangy clan’s members organized a temporary petting zoo in the main square. The people loved it and no one was accidentally mauled.
05:22 PM I swear, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you only check on me a few times a day. Don’t you love me, Most Righteous One?
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10:53 AM I’m so glad I have a god who respects my privacy.
11:59 AM Had a fight with myself. We’re no longer on speaking terms.
01:15 PM Found one of my old diaries and flicked through a few of the entries. It’s embarrassing how silly some of the things I used to write are!
01:18 PM Just found out that the locals of Silly Cone Valley have dubbed Jebbadia and me “The Dream Team”! Apparently it’s because we both pass out at the first sign of danger.
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03:26 AM I thought it would be a bit unfair of me to use my “battle chess” skill to gain an advantage against the Lost Viking, so I went ahead and used it twice.
07:06 AM There is an amazingly rabid woodcutter in the area. I’m glad I was here to protect this poor wolf.
My quest to escort the big bad wolf to granny’s house was completed with excellence! Got a shiny golden brick and felt great about it.
09:29 PM Tyranda jumped in front of me and yelled, “Interception!” as the healing ray descended from the heavens. Please try it again, Soul Supreme, she’s gone now!
09:30 PM A wandering minstrel told me ‘only the good die young’. I must be really good then, my Lord!
09:31 PM ____ ____ Jurassic Lark ____ ____ an all-seeing ear.
09:32 PM Just realized that my character flaw is last year’s model. Dumped it in a bush before anyone could see me with it.
09:33 PM My Lord, sadly I don’t think I’ll ever die doing what I love to do as dying is not one of the things I love doing.
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06:37 PM Got a V.I.P./R.I.P. card from Death. It reads: “Since you already know your way around, make yourself comfortable”.
10:22 PM What bad luck it is to die in such an embarrassing pose.
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08:55 AM Dear Diary, do you hear what I hear? That’s good, I thought I was going crazy.
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01:43 AM Everyone seems to ignore me, but at least I still have my god and my talking donkey. Hey, where did Tigger go? Almighty? Tigger? Hello? Anyone…?
01:10 PM I burned down everything, but left a bag of apples in the ashes. I’m certain they’ll forgive me for this.
A heroine’s work is never done, but my quest to sack the town but provide a generous severance package certainly is! This golden brick is a nice reward for such a thankless job.
07:19 PM Almighty, why do I wander aimlessly killing things? Don’t I have some better purpose?
07:31 PM Faced with the choice of listening to the full recount of my chronicles or jumping into a nearby volcano, the Misunderstood Idealist went for the less painful option, leaving behind a punlimited edition joke.
07:31 PM Tigger buried a “ELITES” guild membership card that he found. Was that his way of showing contempt for that guild?
“Go, Tigger! I choose you!”
08:35 PM Woke up and smelled the coffee. Drank beer and went back to sleep.
Opponent: Godville Administrator - “You will live as long as you can…”01:18 PM Just for once in my life, I’d like the trader to call me “Ma’am” without having to add: “You’re making a scene.”
06:57 PM Bought some potions for 208 gold coins. I was told that this gives my god the impression that I plan ahead.
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12:38 PM In retrospect, my attempt to impress the merchant’s son last night by demonstrating I could eat sodium may have backfired.
09:03 PM This Ideabox Guardian denied my friend request. Time to teach it some manners. To arms!
09:04 PM It turns out this Ideabox Guardian is too tough of a nut for me to crack.
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08:47 PM Enthusiastically rubbed “Cheerful Hobbit” hair removal wax, hoping to summon a genie. Unfortunately, the only thing that appeared was my sad-looking reflection.
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01:31 PM Thought about writing a diary entry, but decided against it.
02:47 PM Found a shortcut to town. And a long cut across my chest. Better get going before I bleed too much again.
02:48 PM The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. Ooh, sounds scary. I think I’ll stay on the path, then.
02:56 PM Attended group therapy with the voices in my head. They all agreed I was disruptive and asked me to leave.
03:20 PM Met Death out in the field. He was in such a hurry that he didn’t even recognize me…
03:31 PM The Lone Rearranger screamed, “Didn’t I kill you already?” and died. Found a myth duster and 38 coins.
03:38 PM Great One, I was thinking… Well, maybe I wasn’t. Forget it.
03:41 PM A thundering voice shouted, “All humans shall eat an apple every day..” And I thought my god was annoying.
03:46 PM I think I may be omnipresent just like you, my Lord. Everywhere I go, there I am!
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06:38 AM Got closer to investigate. The lights are on some kind of flat wall. It appears they are flashing outwards. Trying to find the end of the wall, I discovered I was boxed in, and the top was some kind of screen. What exactly is going on here?
Hope that I won’t have to investigate the strange lights in the sky again. But the reward was good: an extra dose of experience and a shiny golden brick!
Losing the initiative, the plot and the way…
11:23 AM Just checked my daily planner: I’ve got “Do not die” written down for today. Toodles, Notary of Death — I’ll pencil you in for next week!
11:29 AM The Postman of the Apocalypse begged me to spare its life, so I decided to do so and continued on my way. I can still remember its plea for mercy: “Come back and fight, you coward!”
12:13 PM Was mistaken for a doctor from the “Got Cheese?” guild. Managed to send all the high-ranking members who’d cut in front to the back of the line before I was discovered.
12:29 PM I had a strange dream last night, Most Righteous One. You were peeking at my diary, chuckling to yourself and munching on chips. I hope that’s not true.
12:38 PM Hey, where’s my pen? Never mind, it was in my hand…
The heroine is doing her own stunts…
The heroine is performing unnecessary dive rolls to avoid being hit…
06:20 PM I found a crumpled scroll in my pocket this morning. I unrolled it, and it read ‘make the possible impossible’. I don’t remember agreeing to anything like that, but it’s in my handwriting, so I suppose I’ve got to do it.
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03:24 AM Wanted to buy a smart weapon, but the trader warned that I would be incompatible.
Taking offense at even the most innocuous ideas…
Discussing conspiracy theories with anyone who’ll listen…
Tiptoeing while sleepwalking, trying not to wake herself…
03:44 AM Hung a sign saying, “Down for essential maintenance” around my neck and took a nap.
11:18 AM Pebbles on the road spelled out “The Great Random giveth, and the Great Random taketh away. ?.” Rearranged them to say “I Knew you’d say that.” instead.
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06:34 AM Finally found the right path. Yeah, I’m quite sure about it.
Declaring moral victory…
05:10 PM Woke up during my own funeral. Received 418 gold coins from the funeral director for increasing his business as some attendees were shocked to death.
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09:49 AM Was going to buy a bow and some arrows from the trader, but there were just too many drawbacks.
09:51 AM There was a mix-up at the store and I was accidentally given healing items instead of booze for my journey. Darn that trader!
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02:29 AM Suddenly remembered that I carry a weapon, so I struck the Stare Master with it as hard as I could. What an amazing result! I should do that more often!
02:32 AM The Stare Master didn’t just threaten to huff and puff and blow my house down, it fainted from actually attempting it. I placed the monster in the fetal position, borrowed 31 coins and a third wheel and went on my merry way.
The heroine huffed, puffed and blew 9 hp away from the enemy…
06:13 AM I find I’m much more productive when I make a list of check marks, then write whatever I end up doing next to them.
06:16 AM The Bottomless Pitbull grew weary of my feeble attempts to kill it and showed me how to do it properly. Hey, that’s a good tactic! I picked up its 4 gold coins and an unused variable.
06:19 AM A wandering sage told me that while some are wise, I am otherwise.
06:20 AM My foe begged for mercy and claimed it wasn’t actually a Metal Slug. However, the autopsy proved it wrong.
05:12 PM Went to a hero school reunion. I’m not sure I ever attended school, but I enjoyed telling all the strangers there how much I’d grown anyway.
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12:06 PM The Nomad Scientist suddenly went silent, staring at the space behind me in horror. We put aside our differences and fled together.
12:08 PM I offered to help the Spanish Inquisitor dig my own grave. When it handed me the shovel, I swung it at its face and ran away.
12:13 PM The Lesser of Two Weevils was so impressed by my impersonation of a heroine collapsing due to grievous injury that it decided to leave me be.
12:22 PM My weapon is glowing blue. A tavern must be nearby.
05:32 PM Climbed a large tree to see what was over the horizon. A lot of leaves, apparently.
05:41 PM I clung on to a tree for dear life as the earth shook violently for a couple of seconds. I really wish the gods wouldn’t set their notifications to “vibrate”.