The Diary of Renee McMillion
So I’ve decided to keep a diary, since I’m always talking to myself anyway. This makes it a little less weird. I may one day turn these into memoirs, who knows?
For starters, I’m a 28-year-old woman from Los Angeles, California, and I work as a copywriter at a huge advertising company. It basically means I’m responsible for coming up with the ideas. Lot of stress.
When I’m not slaving away over piles of notebooks and candy bars, I’m lost somewhere inside my mind. Ever since I was a kid, my mother has always told me to quit daydreaming, or one day I may never wake up. Sounds like a blessing at the moment. My boss, AKA The Evil Executioner, is hungry and she smells blood… On me. This proposal is due tomorrow and I have yet to come up with something even remotely passable as an ad for Disco Diapers. I mean, seriously, who would buy this crap? Their slogan is “Diapers so fancy, they never pee in their pantsies!” Utter garbage. Yet I’m the lucky fool who gets to come up with an ad.
So, I internalize.
I fantasize.
And I go to that special place in my head where no one, not even The Evil Executioner, can reach me…
The Adventures of Spider Monkey
Ah, yes… The land of Godville welcomes me once again! Now, the last time I was here, I specifically remember leaving some gold tucked under a rock…. Oh yeah! Then I moved the rock to my hut in Beerburgh so I wouldn’t lose it! Gosh darnit, I messed up again, Soul Supreme. There goes my beer money. Or Nibbler’s solar-bear-food money.
Grrrr
Okay, okay Nibs! No beer, more mashed-up monster biscuits. I’m just saying, you can eat the monsters I kill instead of wasting my gold on canned Tasty Beast. I swear!
Oh Good Gracious God of All Things Related to Me, show me a weak and untrained monster who hasn’t finished orientation yet. I’m feeling a tad bit lazy today.
rap rap rap
Is that you, All Mighty Giver and Taketh Away Again?
RAP RAP RAP
I… I think I hear you knocking, but my head doesn’t exactly have a door, y’know?
MCMILLION!
Back in Los Angeles
I’m still wiping the dried spit off my arm as my boss is swinging open the door to my office.
“McMillion! Didn’t you hear me knocking?” Her voice sounds like sandpaper rubbing against a bag of Doritos, probably because she smokes two packs a day. I really wouldn’t care, except for the fact that she smells worse than that alleyway behind the homeless shelter that I pass by every day on my way to work. And let’s not leave out the fact that she purposely blows the smoke directly in your face while simultaneously speaking and choking.
“I’m sorry Nona, you know how I get the day before a pitch…” I stammer nervously.
“What I know is that you better be in here working instead of staring off in La La Land again! We need this diaper ad done tonight!”
“No worries, I was just wrapping up. Now if you’d let me finish, I think I can give you something you’ve never seen before.” I smile sheepishly.
“I don’t care what it is, as long as it’s on my desk first thing in the morning.” And with that, she slams my door closed, leaving me to myself once again.
Great, now it smells like a bar in Tijuana in here.
Return to the Quests of the Monkey Spider
Oh, Goddess of Wonderous Apathy, please accept this piece of fried porcupine as a token of my appreciation! Now you can make those pork chops you keep asking for.
Grrrrr
What is it, Nibs? You smell something boy?
enter The Tuxedo Toddler
What’s that? I can hardly see anything! whimpers softly The light… the light is blinding me!
suddenly, Nibbler leaps ten feet and lands on top of what must have been a ferocious beast. Spider Monkey steps in for a closer look
It’s a… Baby?!
Spider Monkey examines the killer beast, who now lies in pieces on the soggy grass in front of her. The Tuxedo Toddler was only two-and-a-half feet tall, with a tux, sans trousers, which seemed a bit strange, since the Half-Naked Monster Awards weren’t until tomorrow. Spider Monkey is able to see what caused the blinding light.
Nibbler, that glow! It’s was coming from his diaper! That must be where he keeps his power deposits. Better take it with me, along with this gold satchel tied to his rattle. I never thought I’d see fancypants underpants…
Grrrrr
Oh, come on, Nibs! That was funny!
Back in the Roundworld
I was startled into consciousness by my cell chiming relentlessly, reminding me it’s time to go home.
“I got it! Fancypants Underpants!”
I could hardly contain my glee as I furiously sketched out a new slogan and a totally awesome ad for Disco Diapers. Who says daydreaming is a waste of time?
Another Day in the Life of the Minion
So, I totally rocked that pitch for the diaper company. They loved my ideas, and The Evil Executioner’s scowl even softened up a bit.
I just got a new assignment; an ad for Simon’s Sporting Goods. I’m not, in any way, an athlete, but I do enjoy sitting in the bleachers when I can make time for a good game. The only problem is trying to reinvent their image after that terrible accident last summer…
You see, you don’t exactly run out of things to do in LA. So a decent sporting goods store tends to bring in a lot of business out here, but after Simon’s put out defective parachutes that led to an entire team of stunt skydivers meeting an untimely death, business has been… lacking, to say the least.
Their company slogan at the moment is “Best deals at Simon’s, and we ain’t lyin’!” A little dull, if you ask me, but I’m sure I can come up with a good idea. Besides, I have 3 weeks to come up with a pitch. This is gonna be a piece of cake.
rap rap rap
I quickly swallow the huge chunk of Snickers that I stuffed in my mouth, just in time to see The Evil Executioner pop her head halfway through my office door.
“Renee, change of plans. I need that ad completed and on my desk by the end of the week. After that ad you pulled out of your behind last week, I’m sure you can manage.”
“But… but” I stuttered, but she was already gone.
“Un. Believable.” I half whispered, half growled.
Now I’m left with an impossible task with only four days to go! I need a drink. Or maybe just a nap. Yeah, a nap sounds good…
Slingshot in the World of Sponkeys- Spider/Monkeys
Oh Lord of Magnificent Masochism, please help me find a new pet! This one is too expensive!
Grrrr
Sorry, Nibs! I’m just saying, you could just wash up in the stream like all the other pets instead of wasting my gold on Bear Essence- For Solar Bears, By Solar Bears. I mean, seriously, this stuff isn’t making you smell any better.
Grrrr
Suddenly, a beam of blue light came shining down from the heavens, and landed on Spider Monkey’s bag of goodies. When she looked inside, a big smile spread across her face.
Nibs! Check it out, a new gold brick! Some of my gold has seem to have vanished… That’s a wonderful magic trick you have, oh Wise One. Can you turn this cheese into beer?
“DO NOT WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR NONSENSE. GET ON WITH YOUR QUEST”
Spider Monkey simultaneously giggled and shivered at the bellowing of her Goddess, Frogginator.
Okay, Mighty Heaver of All Things Heavy, back to questing. Come on, Nibs.
Spider Monkey and Nibbler set off to search for the lost city of Atlantia, playing fetch along the way with leftover monster bones. The smell of steak and eggs stopped them in their tracks.
enter The Tasty Inspector
Nibs, I know that’s a monster, but I don’t usually want to wrap them in a tortilla. Do we have to fight this one?
The Tasty Inspector gave Spider Monkey no choice, but to fight. With a T-bone torso, a pork belly, an omlette for a shield, and a really intimidating teriyaki skewer for a weapon, the monster rushed Spider Monkey and her pet, screaming something about proper cooking temperatures while waving a thermometer.
Oh, Feisty and Forgetful Goddess, I like my meat well done… This one’s still a little raw.
ZAAAAPPP
A sizzling lightning bolt came piercing through the sky, ending the skirmish before it got out of hand.
Thank you! Here, take the pork belly as a gift of gratitude. Nibs, you can have your can of Tasty Beast, I know you don’t like the monsters I slay.
Grrrr
Spider Monkey grudgingly tosses Nibbler the limbs off of the Tasty Inspector
Who woulda thunk it, Nibs? A monster concerned with my culinary skills…
Over the Hills, Through the Woods
Wow, I gotta stop eating all this chocolate, these dreams are starting to get outrageous.
So, I’m staring at my notebook, thinking about Spider Monkey’s crazy adventures, when it hits me.
“How about a new spokesperson? The Safety Inspector?” I say aloud to no one in particular. I’m not quite sure how well this one is going to turn out. It’s definitely a longshot, but worth the effort if I can think of a decent slogan.
to be continued, check back for more!