Honour, glory and intelligence. Three words which are never said in the same sentence as our hero. Chances are he doesn’t even know what they mean. But he does know everything about one thing: slushies.
General Slushie is the by-product of a mishap in the local Godville 7-11. How the slushie maker was able to get so broken that it caused the creation of a (somewhat debatably) intelligent lifeform is a mystery, though police reported that the being insisted, and still insists today, that this was a deliberate act of benevolence from the Lord Frapparation, the god of frappuccinos. The relatives of those who once worked in the 7-11 may wish to contest this definition of “benevolence”.
As a hero, General Slushie is diligent only in laziness and about as intelligent as any slushie, which isn’t very. He does his best to learn from his lord, whom he admires and loves, despite his lord’s traditional pastime of beating on him whenever he gets bored or tired. As a result, many of his ideals are questionable at best.
It didn’t take long after his creation for General Slushie to die- though he would never have blamed his lord for it, he had to admit that a spontaneous and very localised thunderstorm looked very much like the influence of his god. Lightning struck at the same time as the monster he was fighting, and he collapsed on the floor with a rather pathetic “zzzt”. When muttered cursing from above failed to bring him back to life, Frapparition was forced to blow up another 7-11 for a new slushie man. This failed to impress the CEO of the 7-11s, of course.
Eventually, after a long day of punishment, General Slushie decreed that “Never again would he believe in good, and his soul would become black as night”. This conviction lasted barely a minute, as a cute puppy lying by the side of the road distracted him and brought goodness back into his heart, but the damage was done. He had tasted pure evil, and his lord Frapparition determined never to let him go back to his former state of viciousness… if he could help it.
It is a little known fact how fond of waffles human-slushie hybrids are. It can be argued, therefore, that it was always his destiny to join the guild “Infinity Waffles”, though some of the more practical people think he was just hungry. Regardless of intention, when General Slushie first arrived in the guild, his first act was to “improve” as many waffles as he could. This was met with intense dissatisfaction from his guildmates, many of whom later found themselves in hospital trying to remove ingested lumps of toxic waste and attempting to get replacements for decayed organs.
Eventually, any hero unfortunate enough to be cursed with a cruel god will eventually find themselves in the arena. How they get there can vary greatly- many of the more traditional heroes walk, though this safe and mundane method of transportation was never going to satisfy General Slushie’s lord. By the time Frapparition had demonstrated his own unique style of transport, General Slushie could barely stand. He was, however, still able to fight, and therefore was legally obliged to duel. Fortunately for him, his opponent was just as beaten-up as he was, and he defeated them with the classic “feinting” technique- he started towards his opponent as if he was going to strike, then fell forward on top of him in a state of half-consciousness. To celebrate his victory, Frapparition had a lively game of “dodge the lightning bolt” afterwards with his hero.
Obviously, any hero worth his levels deserves a familiar. General Slushie would have called it a pet, if Frapparition didn’t decide that the word wasn’t evil enough for his liking. Of course, if one desires an evil hero they must also provide them with the proper evil colour scheme- but unfortunately, there are only so many bright pink animals in the world. After a long montage including a duet song, a competition and a yellow pegasus the perfect pet familiar was found: Pinky, the pink, talking, fourth wall breaking, party-throwing donkey. General Slushie and Pinky carried on as a team, while Frapparition took a break from his incessant punishing to defend himself from copyright claims by toy companies.
After five months of brick gathering, the temple he’d devoted to his god was halfway complete. It was then that General Slushie began to doubt his god, wondering why, if he was omnipotent, Frapparition did not just build the temple himself. Of course, all of the greatest heroes doubted their gods sometime in their life, and if General Slushie found the answer then he would be destined to rise up and become the strongest and most powerful hero that ever lived. It is, therefore, unfortunate that he never did actually discover the answer, and was instead forced to live the rest of his life in eternal doubt.
General Slushie finally completed his lord’s temple eight months after he’d started. Though he had expected fanfare, he was met with no response from above- probably because Frapparition was still asleep. However, in the handy way of heroes, he still wrote about it in his diary. Summarised, the entry looked something like this:
“Dear Diary,
After eight months of brick gathering, it’s finally done! My temple is complete!
This temple has symbolic meaning for me. The golden bricks represent you in your resplendent glory, my lord. The pure white tiles on the floor represent purity and holiness. The moon on the door shows how you are always here for me, day or night- and the toilet inside represents all the crap you put me through.”
It was, after all, a very beautiful outhouse.
Frapparition, of course, was not impressed. Even he would never sink to the level of toilet humour- at least, not without blaming it on his hero first for anyone who happened to be reading.
After a while, General Slushie saw the presence of his god less and less. No longer would locusts plague his every step, no longer would boils and blisters be cursed upon him from the heavens. It was as if his abusive god had faded from the world altogether.
He felt relieved. And yet, he felt empty too. A peculiar kind of sadness settled over him as he realised he no longer had anyone to struggle against or anything to aspire to. What is a hero with no god to do with his life? General Slushie lost interest in questing and monsters and retreated to the Godville tavern, where he spent years of his life alone.
Then an angel descended from the heavens, and blessed him with kindness. Frapparition had returned! But his god had changed since General Slushie had last met him- Frapparition treated his hero with a new resolution towards gentleness.
Astonished and paranoid at this sudden change of heart, General Slushie lashed out at the monsters of the countryside. He resolved to finish his ark after all, ‘Just to show him.’ This sudden kindness Frapparition showed was, after all, the cruelest type of punishment of all- messing with his hero’s head.
More coming soon, when I actually have something to write about.