Riff-raff’s story is… well…
It’s astounding. (but) Time is… fleeting. (and) Madness… takes its toll.
Riff-raff defined:
Riff-raff is a term for the common people or hoi polloi, but with negative connotations. The term is derived from Old French ‘rif et raf’ meaning ‘one and all, every bit.’
And now to the serious stuff…
Riff-raff in brief:
Riff-raff loves his guild, Harvest Moon, with all his heart (black as pitch), mind (riddled as it is), and soul (damaged beyond all recognition). There have been moments, usually when his evil (yet sexy) god Doctor Frank-n-furter has punished him for the umpteenth time in an hour, when he questions his commitment to his god and his guild, but another lightning bolt to the forehead usually makes him feel refreshed.
He enjoys long walks to Unspecifiedistan, drinking in local taverns, kicking puppies (in half), and the company of his faithful companion, Snowy the dust bunny.
His dislikes are too numerous to list (kind of a cranky cuss), but the things he finds most egregious are broken transit beams, goody-goodie heroes, and kitties not in sammiches.
Riff-raff in … less brief:
Riff-raff came to Godville in the traditional way: via transit beam. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. He was supposed to be the one in charge, not that mad Doctor Frank-n-furter. Riff-raff took control of the mission on Earth as it was obviously a failure at the hands of Dr. Frank. Riff-raff was the new commander. He was the one in charge! His one mistake: trusting someone else to prepare the transit beam in the first place. He should have known it would go wrong. He should have guessed that Creature of the Night or his lackies would try something hinky. But, drunk with power, and trusting the blow to Frank’s ego was heavy enough, he gave the order… and poof …
Riff-raff woke up in yet another strange land, surrounded by drunken idiots – each of whom, it seemed, worshiped a different God. Confused by how he ended up here alone, he began wandering about looking for information. All he got were odd demands from local villagers. Once it became apparent that accepting these quests was the only way he’d make the money he needed to survive, he begrudgingly accepted a “quest” to look for a hay in a needle stack. He found the nearest stack of needles and started picking through them, one by one, when a lightning bolt zapped him in the back of his head and he heard a way-too-familiar voice say, “Quest faster, my faithful handyman!”
As you can imagine, Riff-raff about fell over in shock. How in the name of Transylvania’s blood-red moon did that crazy guy end up in charge? Again? He’d been defeated! Riff-raff ranted, he raved, he gesticulated wildly, he rolled his eyes, and (let’s be honest) he may have made an obscene gesture and uttered a curse word or two. Then lightning struck a nearby tree. He laughed at Frank’s bad aim… and then lightning struck him square in the forehead. No stranger to Frank’s idea of “motivation,” Riff-raff decided it was healthier to adjust his attitude than to argue with his “deity.” Thus began a new chapter in his life.
How the transit beam malfunction managed to send the two Transylvanians to entirely separate planes of existence, he’d never know. The one bonus of the new place? As stupid as his fellow so-called “heroes” seemed, they did know how to have a good time. There was no shortage of booze and every town had at least one good bar. And there were no idiots in gold Speedos running around (that he’d noticed), so at least this place had that going for it.
Frank soon began demanding other things of him… like building a temple out of gold bricks in Frank’s honor. Riff-raff was hesitant at first, but a few strategically placed lightening bolts helped him to realize that all of the heroes were doing this sort of thing. And it wasn’t like there was much else to do, so why the heck not?
A few days into this strange new existence, Frank told him to “Join ‘Harvest Moon’.” As he no longer had his sister to keep him company, and as he’d heard some interesting things about this illustrious band of evil-doers, he complied without delay. It took him two entire days of questing to prove himself worthy of the guild, but those long days and nights paid off. Before long, Riff-raff was taking arena lessons from some of the most formidable gladiators in all of Godville. He strove to make his guild proud when Frank would get in “one of those moods” and fling him into the arena.
While he wondered if Frank was occasionally imprecise with his godly powers on purpose, he eventually came to hunger for the thrill of the arena and the taste of victory himself. He’d even start fights in bars or with random strangers on the path between towns just for kicks if Frank didn’t whisk him to the arena often enough. Thankfully, Frank caught wind of this and started paying better attention took steps to make sure Riff-raff didn’t have to go too long in between arena bouts.
As he’d proven himself useful in a few ways, his fellow guild-mates enlisted his help in the study of “The Great Random” as they called it. This idea was not just fascinating, but gave him hope that there was something out there that (at the very least) was a little smarter than Frank, and (at the very best) might be capable of seeing the huge mistake that had been made putting the quack evil genius in charge of anyone or anything.
One day he’d figure out how to put things right once again… or at least how to guarantee himself the ears of the darned Alpha Moles that kept popping up almost every time Frank made him dig for buried treasure.
Riff-raff’s theme song (Riff raff by AC/DC):
See it on the television every day, hear it on the radio. It ain’t humid, but it sure is hot, down in Mexico. The boy is trying to tell me, near enough to the edge (beginning of the end). Say they’ve all been there… Too late my friend.
Riff raff: Always good for a laugh (ha ha ha). Riff raff: go on, laugh yourself in half (smile awhile).
Now I’m the kind of guy who keeps his big mouth shut. Don’t bother me. Somebody give me one arm up, leave me in misery. I’ve never shot nobody, don’t even carry a gun. I ain’t done nothing wrong – I’m just having fun.
Riff raff: Always good for a laugh (ha ha ha). Riff raff: go on, laugh yourself in half.
The Big Day: December 22, 2012
Riff-raff gets his last two bricks:
03:59: United by destiny, the heroes defeated the nasty creature! Riff-raff got 12565 coins, ear of the Giga Byter, a golden brick, a golden brick…
Due to low health, he finds himself in Bumchester, until:
04:04: A voice from the skies thundered: ‘Combine Essence of wealth and Ear of the Giga Byter.’ Hey, turn the volume down!
04:04: I found a new recipe: take an ear of the Giga Byter, stir it with an essence of wealth and you’ll get an emergency exit!
04:04: Something exploded in my trophy case. I fainted for a moment and recovered to find myself in the busy streets of the capital.
He heals, he sells, he upgrades a skill, he prays, he returns to questing, and then:
04:55: Though I was hoping that succeeding in my quest to find the map to the long lost city of long lost maps would win the respect and admiration of my peers, this golden brick will have to suffice.
He sells his first unnecessary golden brick:
04:56: The trader and I repeatedly bought and sold my golden brick, outbidding each other until I found myself one item down and 1014 coins up.
Then the action begins! Yay!
- Casually turning the temple blueprints right-side-up…
- Thinking about how much these bricks cost and crying…
- Succeeding in complicating simple things…
- Making a scale model of a completed temple using popsicle sticks…
- Swallowing his secret temple blueprints to stop anyone from copying them…
- Building a mock temple out of sand…
- Casually turning the temple blueprints right-side-up…
- Mixing cement with his feet…
- Playing Tetris with gold bricks…
- Mixing cement with his feet…
- Chasing construction workers all over the place, threatening them with a bricklayer’s trowel…
- Mixing mortar from gold dust…
- Building sandcastles in the air…
- Succeeding in complicating simple things…
05:09: Carefully placed the last brick, swept all the rooms, opened all doors, and cut the ribbon in a stately manner with my sword. I can’t believe it’s finally happened! After all these months of work, the temple in your name is finished, my Lord! I feel crazy with happiness.
Immediately back to business as usual:
- Giggling madly…
- Wondering why people don’t seem to take him seriously…
- Pouring out his troubles to a sympathetic bartender…