Fait’s father was a traveling blacksmith. That’s really all that’s known about him. He passed through Fait’s home town one day, delivered a sealed envelope to a farmer, slept in the barn, and was gone the next day.
The envelope was delivered with explicit instructions that it was not to be opened under any circumstances until the farmer’s only grandson was born. As soon as the blacksmith was out of site, the farmer steamed open the envelope and found a prophesy written in silver on gold leaf that had been delivered.
The prophesy read “Beware of the dog, as it is pernicious and will turn on the one it serves. The child is to be named ‘Faithful Servant’, and he will enter service to the family God when he reaches adolescence. He will rise in power and strength and serve his God well until his death in that God’s service. Do not let those who behave stupidly on a whim from turning the young man from his fate, as destiny has decreed that he will lead a pious life.”
The farmer couldn’t read, but he could tell the value of the precious metals he was holding. He copied the writing from the gold sheet onto parchment and melted the original down. Unfortunately, being illiterate, the lettering looked like a jumble of lines and circles to the farmer, and his re-transcription of the prophesy was less than accurate. All that survived in an intelligible form was “Beware of the family god, for it is pernicious and will turn on the one who serves it. The child is to be named ‘Faithful Service To Adolescent Gods’ and he will die stupidly at the whim of his God.”
The following day, the farmer was swallowed whole by a quantum black hole. His daughter delivered a child nine months later, and died minutes afterwards. Her dying wish was that the child was to be named “Faithful Servant to Capricious Gods”. The nurse-maid was drunk and fell asleep after writing only 4 of the letters down, “Fait”, and remembered nothing in the morning when she awoke. So the child’s name became “Fait”.
The orphan Fait was raised by his half-uncle, who was both a part time assemblyman and a part time disassemblyman. His uncle loved him as his own son and Fait grew into a sweet, if somewhat insipid, young man. As was the custom of the region, Fait took his journey of discovery upon reaching adolescence. His family God, named Frank, was waiting for Fait on the top of a mountain. He had his speech prepared along with some special effects to persuade Fait into his service. Frank was a kind God, but somewhat forgetful, and very near-sighted. Fait took a wrong turn and got lost, wandering in the wilderness for two extra days. A shepherd drove his flock into a meadow on the side of the mountain, and Frank mistook the young man, named ‘Fiat’, for Fait and took him as his hero. He then left to attend to other business.
In this universe, every God needs a hero and every hero needs a god. When a child who will become a hero is born, the God for whom that child becomes the hero is decreed by the fates. That God is that hero’s destiny. The fates never even consider what happens with the background characters, only with those they think matter.
Frank adopted Fiat as his hero. Fiat was not fated to be a hero, and managed to get both himself and Frank killed in a bar fight.
Fait was fated to be a hero. As stated before, a hero needs a God to serve. All the Gods were taken. The existential vacuum tore at the fabric of the universe, and a new God came into being fully formed (as Gods tend to do) along with a back-story. Since Frank was Fait’s destiny, this new God was Fait’s Destiny Avoided.
These are the chronicles of that hero, and his devotion to the God that he himself caused to be created.
Whereas most of the gods of the universe in which Godville exists had millennia to develop the wisdom of the ages that is expected of a supreme being, Destiny Avoided was somewhat adrift. He obtained the usual Self-help books, such as “Godhead for Dummies”, “So you want to be a God”, and the somewhat dated “Godville on 3 godpoints a day”, and read them cover to cover. Unfortunately, wisdom does not come from books, especially these book, and he made the rookie mistakes that most gods have worked out of their system during the usual internship period before assuming Almighty status.
Fait, upon assuming the role of Destiny Avoided’s champion, naturally expected holy pronouncements, visions, and other signs of his one true god’s will. At first, his prayers were answered with aphorisms of the most useless type, like:
“Be kind to your webfooted friends, for a duck may be somebody’s mother”
“Buy low, sell high”
“The Pen is Mightier than the Sword”
This last one almost proved disastrous, as Fait did his best to interpret it. He first tried wielding various pens as weapons; the result of this was that was at a severe disadvantage when encountering any opponent other than a Paper Golem; he did learn that a fountain pen is most useful, as it could be used to temporarily blind the attacker while he ran away.
A Philosoraptor that was practicing pacifism in order to win a bet with someone explained to Fait that “the pen is mightier than the sword” meant that the written word was more powerful than a physical weapon. This caused more trouble, since in the next battle Fait pulled out his quill and his diary and wrote “Stab. Slash. Parry. Slice. I win!” and showed it to the bipolar bear. The beast, unable to read, simply ate the diary, choked, and died.
Convinced he had it right, Fait proceeded to try the technique in his next battle with a Knight in Matte Armor. The flat knight, who could read, laughed until he passed out on top of the unconscious Fait.
Destiny Avoided wasn’t stupid, just ignorant, and realized that he was going to have to do better. He enrolled in courses entitled “Becoming the Ineffable”, “Infallibility Theory”, and “Art History” (this last being a cross-disciplinary requirement at the liberal arcana college.
While his deity was learning the divine ropes, Fait haplessly wandered the world, righting wrongs, fixing flat horseshoes, and generally ignoring the supreme being he served in the interest of self preservation.
There is a paradox. All the gods of Godville are the creator of all things, yet there are as many gods as there are heroes. Philosoraptors have debated this for as long as anyone can remember. If you’re a hero, that’s not very long, however there are others with long memories, and they agree that this debate has raged for many cycles. At the moment that Destiny Avoided was brought into being he was, by definition, the same age as all the other gods, for like them, he was omnipresent, everlasting, and had guided his creation from its beginning.
Being a god, Destiny Avoided knew all of this innately. He did not, however, understand any of it.
And so, on the advice of his peers (all of them, even though, again by definition, he had none), Destiny Avoided enrolled at the Godville Academy of the Unknowable and materialized for his first eternity.
Coming Soon: Destiny Avoided nearly doesn’t graduate because he was 1/2 Paranormal Education credit short, His admission into a Omniversity, along with His evolving influence on his hero, Fait.
Meanwhile, please enjoy these fabricated highlights from Fait’s adventures:
8:45 The mighty hero Fait has decided that he will write his diary entries in the third person as to sound more interesting and impressive, but although he made a good start at it I couldn’t keep it up through the end of even one diary entry.
10:06 While playing with Behemoth in the woods, I came across a nest full of eggs. Nobody was guarding it, so I put some (well, all) of them in my pack. The two I ate were delicious, and Behemoth really enjoyed his as well. I’m keeping some for later.
11:04 For a moment there, I almost effed the ineffable.
11:20 While breaking camp, I noticed that some sulfur and saltpeter from my healing supplies had spilled in the ashes at the edge of the firepit. I don’t like to leave a mess behind, so I swept the two small piles and some charcoal onto a discarded diary page and wrapped it up tightly before throwing it onto the embers of the fire. There was a bright flash and the smell of brimstone. Destiny Avoided must have mistaken the bundle for a sacrifice and been greatly displeased. I don’t think I’ll make that mistake again.
11:33 From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere. Time to find some and kill them!
11:41 Just as Behemoth and I got on the road, I heard a commotion in the woods. Sounded mostly like enraged birds. None of my business.
12:14 Rest in pieces, Faux Metal Alchemist. I’ll look after your 20% discount and 10 coins for you.
12:22 Encountered another hero on the road carrying a bucket of paint and a brush. Said he was on a quest to paint the town red. I tried not to laugh; what kind of quest is that? I’ve already done it.
12:36 As I passed a small cottage, I heard the laughter of happy children. It seems that my reputation preceded me. Does everyone think that I am a joke?
12:44 Exalted. One: I know that I’m not to have any other gods before you, but I am unclear about after.
1:45 T’ve always been iold io doi my ‘i’s and cross my ‘t’s. Or ts ti ihe oiher way around?
2:01 Tried to take the road less traveled, but it was too crowded.
2:21 Decided to cook the Blood Sucking Umpire, but I think I over did it. Almighty, I offer this sacrifice in your honor. Have mercy on your humble servant and bless me with the ability to cook!
2:45 Beerburgh at last!
2:48 Got thrown out of the hospital after I failed my blood test. Just as I was leaving, a streak of red came out of nowhere and knocked a part of the hospital roof in. How odd.
2:51 Rested. Now it’s time to get back to business.
3:01 Sold all my loot. It’s good to be rich.
3:02 As I left the merchant’s shed, it was hit by a barrage of red and yellow birds and fell over. Must be migration or something.
3:06 Didn’t find anything that suited me. Left the store.
9:45 I must have had a good time last night. When I woke up at the hospital this morning, my purse was $1240 coins lighter.
9:48 I just heard that the inn I was drinking in last night collapsed under mysterious circumstances. I’m lucky they threw me out when they did, or I might have been hurt.
10:02 Paid 606 gold coins to the veterinarian for a routine pet checkup. The vet said that Behemoth will live a long and healthy life.
10:30 I visited a magnificent temple in order to get ideas for the edifice that I’m constructing for Destiny Avoided. I gave the last of the eggs I found yesterday to the monk as a thank-you for showing me around.
10:35 Just after I left the ancient temple I heard a whistling sound. I looked up and saw red, yellow, and blue streaks coming from the woods. The temple windows were smashed, the roof caved in and two of the walls caved in as I was showered with multicolored feathers. Then I saw two large black birds hit the side of the temple and there was a great explosion. When the dust cleared, the temple had been reduced to rubble, and I saw the old monk running away with the basket of eggs I gave him. His god must have been very angry at him for letting me learn the secrets of his temple.
10:37 Behemoth just dropped two drool covered golden bricks covered with feathers and soot on my foot. It hurts, but I suppose he means well. Good Sun Dog.
8:45 I’m lonely, hungry, and tired. Hey, those eggs from a few days back were really good; wonder if I can find another nest of them?
- More of Faits imagined adventures (a work in progress)
11:32 Went to a food court. Saw a salad convicted on a charge of excessive roughage.
12:05 Caught a cold, but it was too small and I had to throw it back.
1:17 After a lopsided battle, my health bar almost empty, I accepted my fate as the monster to be named later prepared to strike the killing blow. The fiend looked me in the eye, staring into my very soul. It started giggling, then laughing, then laughing so hard that it couldn’t breath, and it passed out. I quickly tiptoed away.
1:18 Fell into a hole. Again. Took a lot of damage. Again. Maybe I should stop digging them.
1:19 A beam of healing light fell on me. Good thing I was wearing my horns of plenty, or I might have suffered a concussion. The only lasting effect was that I lost -122 pixels of my health bar. I wonder why it looks so much longer than it did.
5:14 A cute girl in a nekomimi smiled, fluttered her ears at me and said… Um… Not sure. Cute girls don’t usually smile at me. I passed out.
7:13 I wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was still a boy. I’m sure it was good advice, and I could use some of that now, but I have no idea what it was.
9:30 Bought a package of fortune cookies. Every one of them said “Pave the road with good intentions”. I don’t have anything else planned at the moment, so, sure, what harm can it do?
3:30 Los Demonos. How did I end up in Los Demonos? Oh well, time to get some sleep.
3:45 Upgraded my “Questioning Authority” skill. Paid 1502 gold coins for the Cliff Notes.
3:55 Defeated the Unrealestate Agent. Found a copy of Chicken Soup for the Complete Idiot’s Soul for Dummys in his possessions.
5:00 I thought I was going to the tavern, but a bright light surrounded me, blinding me and sweeping me off my feet. When my vision cleared, I found myself in the Arena in Godville. Nifty. Lord, I get the message loud and clear. Now, which of you losers wants to challenge me?
5:04 A lightning bolt just struck my weapon then bounced off and hit my opponent. Was that you helping me, Almighty, or was that his god punishing him? Either way, thanks.
5:09 That healing water that fell on my opponent smelled like your brand. Almighty, I’m loyal to you—are you cheating on me?
5:27 Decided to hide under a rock; I guess I shouldn’t have chosen the one that was falling from the sky.
5:50 The judges awarded both Jack the Rapper and me with golden bricks and told us to settle our differences some other way. I propose a drinking contest! The beer in the Arena is too expensive. Off to the tavern!
9:30 A voice in my head said “Heal yourself or pray so I can heal you!” I almost did it, but then I realized the voice didn’t say “Simon Says”.
9:38 I just did one of my favorite things: Selling off loot. Now for some beer!
9:47 This quest isn’t going to complete itself. I’d better get back to it.
10:03 Finally finished paving the road with good intentions. I got a shiny golden brick and a mystery box. Sweet!
10:03 Los Demonos. How did I end up in Los Demonos again?Disclaimers:
- The events depicted in these fabricated adventures of the hero Fait are fictional. Though the form is from Godville, most of the actual phrases are not, rather they are exercises from Destiny Avoided’s 3-00:14 to 3-45:12 course, “Creative Creation 114: Language and Meaning”.
- No actual heroes were harmed in the production of these adventures, though a few monsters were inconvenienced.
- All stunts performed by paid professionals. Do not attempt any of what you read here at home.
- The opinions expressed in these chronicles are those of Destinty Avoided and his hero, Fait. They are not intended to reflect the opinions of the Heroes Alliance, Godville Organized Deities (GOD), the Godville Administrators, the Guild Elders, the Godville servers, the Internet, or the photons over which they are communicated.
- Sold for amusement only. X-Ray Specs are not a medical device and cannot be used for diagnostic purposes.
- Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
- For external use only.