Godville Times 05/18/17
Famous Heroes of Godville….
Mr Chip – 93rd-level adventurer, member of the “Demonlovers” guild, with the motto “Yep, uh-huh…”, stands at the 30th position in the pantheon of creation under the vigilant supervision of the goddess Coddin. Distinctive features: a reckless disregard for danger, and an incredibly high pain threshold caused by repeated exposure to blunt objects.
05:18 AM The following diary entries are brought to you by Mr Chip — Yep, uh-huh….
My first dungeon trip:
07:52: Notes from the dungeon: The heroes plunder the treasure trove and divide the loot. Mr Chip gets 11721 coins, a log for the ark, a portable drawbridge, a one-of-a-kind item, a trophy generator, a Tesla coil and a mole-extracting shovel. Derpmandu left unconscious. Those who missed the plunder are given 3624 coins as a consolation prize.
04:47 AM Stopped by Progress Bar. Gave 1762 coins to the bartender and waited for my drink. But instead of beer, I received a note that I had progressed in my Savings Pantheon ranking. Don’t know whether to feel happy or betrayed.
04:33 PM Wondering what heroes who write ‘ur’ instead of ‘your’ do with all that extra time.
06:10 PM Played a game of fetch with Money and somehow lost.
06:01 PM The 🦌 Basher the Reindeer handed me its ❄ to hold onto before going to its family reunion in the underworld.
03:24 AM Ravaged a hidden thieves’ lair. Got 3005 gold coins and a couple of flesh wounds.
12:22 PM Mistook “cavern” for “tavern” on a sign. Quickly learnt the difference.
05:23 PM Heard strange chants coming out of my loot bag. It seems that the tribbles are involved in some sort of a shamanic ritual.
01:42 AM Saw a sign reading “The Fallen DaDa Empire Primal Abyss guild rules”. Amended it by adding “Rule 1: Don’t join this guild. Rule 2: If you’re in this guild, leave immediately. Rule 3: Join Demonlovers instead”.
11:41 AM Money nibbled on the Radioactivist’s feet, causing massive tickling damage.
05:57 PM Threw a stick for Money to fetch and he brought back a fairy’s tail. Score!
11:29 AM Good news! Money agreed to match my retirement contribution this time! Together, we deposited 2232 coins. Of course, I’m loaning him the money until he earns enough himself.
06:20 PM Money checked my fluid levels and it looks like I’m running a few pints short on blood. Time to head back to town for a tune-up.
I got this diary entry on New Year’s Day 2023…… Coincidence?
07:24 PM When the trader saw the snowflake in my bag, he lit up like a christmas tree and paid 2023 coins for it.
06:13 PM Got fish-slapped by a fishing inspector. Enough embarrassment for today.
02:33 PM They’re fussy at the Beerburgh bank. They made me wash all the blood and guts off my 2074 gold coins before accepting them.
12:55 AM Found another dead hero. While I watched his corpse, words appeared in his diary. Ran away as fast as possible.
04:46 PM I just saw Money scramble away to safety. A few heroes digging nearby ran in another direction. Something isn’t quite right…
01:39 PM Attempted to win the title of “Godville’s Greatest Procrastinator”, but was disqualified after making the mistake of actually showing up to the contest.
03:05 PM Great, my legs have fallen asleep, which always means they’ll be up all night partying.
05:17 PM Found a garden full of healing herbs. Gnawed on everything, regardless of the very scary scarecrow in the middle.
01:52 PM Another Sabertooth Squirrel slain, another last year’s calendar gained.
09:55 AM The fallen Boneless Skeleton crackled into flames, then its ashes swirled, burst and were reborn into a thigh bone.
05:04 PM I didn’t know that Money clanks my weapon while he sleeps. What a silly pet.
04:13 PM Found refuge in a cave for the night. Shared my blanket with the bear living inside. Came out unscratched. Winter is awesome.
05:17 AM Suddenly, there was a strong gust of wind. A long thin funnel cloud shot down from the heavens, slammed into the path in front of me, and vanished just as quickly. In its place, when the dust cleared, there was a golden cinder block.
05:04 AM I pretended to be Death and took 455 coins from the trader by promising to delay his inevitable demise. Thanks for the disguise, Cunning One!
12:06 PM I’m not homeless. I’m just an extreme camper.
07:15 PM An old man told me to embrace my mistakes. Gave Money a hug.
12:53 AM I flung a gold coin into the monster’s eye, popping its eyeball. Eeewww.
04:23 PM Went back to square one. Can’t remember what’s next. Guess it’s back to square one.
05:49 AM Found a field full of ripe poppies. Time passed completely unnoticed.
12:00 PM Damn, Money is hogging the blankets again.
01:03 PM Passed a bloody sign that read: “Just Marred.”
11:57 PM Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
01:27 PM Woke up looking at a beautiful sunrise and wondered who stole my tent while I was sleeping.
04:27 PM Money swallowed a bunch of fireflies. Now every time he hiccups, beams of light shine out of his eyes and ears.
11:28 AM Hey, this is our Kill Joy! Sacrificed a traffic decongestant to our totem beast and was granted the protection of an aura of totemism.
05:53 AM Money rested his front paws on my shoulders and licked me from head to toe. That was a real nice aura of bliss I used to have.
08:15 PM My Goddess, I just became aware that your saying, “Dust devil swept you away. My recollections are all that’s left of you”, is widely spreading around. Sounds like a great prayer to me.
07:20 PM Saw a paper with the headline, “Dust devil swept you away. My recollections are all that’s left of you”, my Goddess! You’re front page news!
06:05 PM Tried to swallow my pride. Choked.
02:04 AM Note to self: noted.
03:41 PM Note to self: “Why am I writing in my diary while fighting?”
01:24 PM I just added an “i” to the TO LET sign on an empty shop while no one was looking. He-he.
11:18 PM Alas, poor King Thong! I knew him well, Money.
02:24 AM Sent the Rough Drafter to hell via express post.
11:26 PM Notes from the dungeon: Going down, down, down… Tawnee Gypsumfist, Gijung, Sir Doesalot, Mr Chip and Naoli find themselves in a chamber deep beneath the earth.
11:47 PM Notes from the dungeon: The heroes loot the treasure stash. Mr Chip gets 21958 gold coins, a log for the ark, the shape of things, a heart of gold and a money-tree sapling.
02:00 AM After seeing my guild rank, the doctor tried something more invasive to get me on my more quickly.
01:52 AM Angry One, you know what makes me smile? Facial muscles.
01:48 AM A powerful Pocket Monster grabbed my attention. Now I have to fight to get it back.
05:25 AM How could such an ugly Social Parasite get beautiful things like a ❄ and 38 gold coins?
03:49 AM Shared a campfire with a hooded figure in a black robe holding a scythe. He didn’t talk much, just pointed at me quietly.
04:00 AM Note to self: never agree to go out for a bite with a vampire.
02:51 AM Playing ‘pin the tail on the santa claws’ sounded good last night, but judging by these bite marks, Layne didn’t agree.
05:14 AM Looked at the sun, hoping to get a glimpse of the Great One.
04:15 AM That cheapskate Cautionary Tailor only had 24 gold coins on it. I ought to kill it again, just for that.
04:50 AM Himmler — into the ark. You, Layne, come with me. It’s time to take you for a walk.
03:29 AM Heard music playing from a musician’s grave drift apart into disparate notes. Must be decomposing.
03:25 AM Tried drowning my sorrows. Unfortunately, they know how to swim.
03:56 AM There are times when I wonder why I chose this job, but then I remember how much I love to stab things.
05:34 AM A sudden shower of meteorites fell all around the Prince Charmless causing it to cower in fear. I picked one up and hit the monster with it myself. You don’t believe in giving anything away for free, do you, Great One?
03:09 AM Finally found an upholsterer willing to take these tribbles off my hands for 8876 gold coins. Lucky for me, unlucky for the tribbles.
06:02 AM Just got haunted by my own ghost from one of my previous deaths. How does that work, anyway?
02:43 AM Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times we just snuggle.
05:20 AM The Pirate of the 7 Cs fell beneath the relentless blows of my weapon. Are you watching, Almighty? Monsters are dying down here in your honor, you know.
NOT DIARY ENTRY: Sensing his blood alcohol dropping to a dangerous level…
01:56 PM I will ███ be silenced! I will never ████ protest███ the ██fair censorship of heroes.
My quest to protest diary censorship laws was completed with excellence. Got a shiny golden brick and felt great about it.
WITH AURA OF IMMORTALITY, I SET SAIL AND DIDNT DIE WHEN I RAN OUT OF FOOD. SEE BELOW DAIRY ENTRY AFTERWARDS:
04:24 PM Notes from the sail: It’s so humiliating when your proud vessel returns to the port by means of a rotten tugboat…
06:27 AM Pain wracks my body. I scream as golden light pours from every inch of my skin. I don’t think my clothes fit anymore. Wait, was that a miracle? Or did I just ascend to level 120? What do you think, Himmler, my faithful companion?
01:50 PM A little spit and Himmler’s blankie polished this ideabox survival guide into nearly pristine condition, so the trader paid 443 gold coins for it.
09:30 PM It’s alive… It’s alive, it’s moving, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE!
09:35 AM Mystery! Excitement! Adventure! Action! Thrills! That and much more, when you tune in to the Mr Chip and Layne show!
09:04 PM A pouch with 314 gold coins in it fell from the sky onto the trader’s counter. He gleefully claimed it, then grumbled and handed it over when I pointed out the “Property of Mr Chip” tag.
06:27: You know, Great One, it looks like people are passing your saying, ‘Dust devil swept you away. My recollections are all that’s left of you.’, around.
Quest: Collect some oysters to make pearl jam
05:36: Dann The Demented slapped Flowsnake. It seems that the tooth fairy is going to visit him tonight.
07:43: Dearest diary, today was the day! I carefully laid the last brick, swept all the rooms, opened all windows to let your glorious light shine in. I can’t believe it, your temple is finally finished, my Lady! I feel delirious with happiness.
04:29: Hmm, Tradeburg. Yet again, I arrive without fanfare, despite my record of glorious deeds.
05:45: The doctor told me to take a long hard look at myself, so I did. Hello handsome! Looking good, Mr Chip!
07:06 AM Fished out a tail of the Oxydjinn.
05:46: Dear face, thank you for blocking that punch for me.
09:46 Exalted One, what do you do with the gold I sacrifice to you? Do you use it for hanging out? Anyway, here are 1222 gold coins – have some fun.
09:43 Went cow tipping. Tipped them 1447 gold coins for their excellent service and high quality dairy produce.
05:30: I almost got killed by a shooting star. Thankfully, it ran out of ammo.
01:47: A preacher said that animals were not allowed in the temple, but Sneezy meowed adorably and quickly persuaded the cleric to change his mind.
09:35: The Born-Again Zombie and I decided to make a trade. I gave it a roundhouse kick, and in exchange it gave me its life and 24 coins.
05:24: What a nice day to die… Asked the Card-Carrying Villain to tell the Great One that I love her.
05:53: I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Solar Bear, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Felix. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.
04:20: Bought a golden brick for my goddess’s temple. It truly was difficult to make that much money.
08:52: Felt butterflies in my stomach. I guess eating those caterpillars the other day was a bad idea.
10:14 Took a ride on the back of my pet. I think that a heffalump is well suited for short rides.
09:21 Baloo waved to me with his paw and fled into the bushes with his tail between his legs. If that chicken doesn’t come back soon, I’ll have to fight the monster all by myself.
12:13 Baloo refused to pull a cart that I found in a ravine. Bad heffalump! Now I have to leave a perfectly good cart.
09:06 Baloo sat on the sidelines, fluttering his eyelashes and looking super cute. As soon as the monster’s back was turned, Baloo struck it from behind with a tire iron. Good heffalump, you’re always so crafty.
01:46 Mounted my little friend and swiftly rode a couple of miles. Baloo sniffs resentfully.
01:46 As the air crackled with energy, my purse jerked and lightened. Baloo coughed and abruptly yakked up an enormous hairball. Gleaming in the grey mess was a perfect golden brick! Baloo belched contentedly and sat down to groom himself
08:01: While at the hospital, I found Sea Eagle lying in the infirmary. Spent 1632 gold coins on get-well gifts, hoping he will return the favor one day.
10:01 Met TrishaB. Borrowed some food and a couple of healing potions. Feeling much better now!
01:20 During our last rest stop, Baloo performed some gothic dances in honor of the god of monsters. Please forgive him, my Goddess.
09:35 Syllvya ran out of the bushes shouting “Mr Chip, I’m coming!” but proceeded to trip and roll head over heels into a gully. Well, you know what they say – if you want something done right, do it yourself.
11:27: Boo sat on the sidelines, fluttering his eyelashes and looking super cute. When the monster’s back was turned, Boo struck it from behind with a tire iron. Good solar bear, you’re always so crafty.
03:44: Boo suddenly flew into a rage and breathed fire at the opponent. We were all shocked, even Boo himself. What other hidden talents does my pet have?
12:12: Stopped to carve the sentence ‘Mr Chip was here’ into a nearby rock. Now I will be remembered long after I’m gone.
01:06: Toto is a good companion to me. He even licked my wounds clean after the last battle. Either that or I forgot to feed him.
06:56: Mr Chip looks so gorgeous today that the ladies in the stands are showering him with flowers.
06:44: Paid 46 coins to give my little animal a bath before starting a tough campaign. Simba’s coat shines with exuberance and he is happily hiccuping soap bubbles.
11:03: The equipment merchant said that animals are not allowed in the shop. I’ll manage without new clothes, as I will not leave Simba alone in the street.
06:38: Something good and nice-smelling poured from the sky over my pet. Simba is smiling happily.
06:18: My Simba crept up on the monster from behind and cried loudly. Judging by the shocked look on its face, Glowing Grue might need a new pair of pants now.
06:55: Noticed Simba lying on my recently earned last year’s calendar, gnawing on it. Fortunately, I took it away in time. Bad sun dog!
11:28: The trader suddenly collapsed to the floor and started sobbing. He mumbled something about deceiving hundreds of heroes. I took the opportunity to snag 480 gold coins from the register and left him alone.
09:36: Laid down under a tree to die from heavy wounds. Came back to my senses to find Simba performing CPR on me.
02:10: I guess I’m lucky! Found a treasure chest with 1006 gold coins.
07:11: Simba knocked over some candles in the temple. What a clumsy oaf! We hid behind a curtain and watched a priest put out the flames with holy water from a basin. Don’t worry, my Lady, it was a public temple and they don’t pray to you anyway…
10:22: A wandering monk saw my pet and said something about training, carrots and sticks… When Simba beat him with a stick, the monk treated me with a carrot. We shared some buns with him. I have to say, monks are odd fellows.
07:06: Tattooed ‘Yep, uh-huh…’ on my butt cheek. Nice.
08:25: Simba buried the “Lifeguards Anonymous” guild membership card that he found. Is that his way of showing contempt for that guild?
06:56: It turns out that a sun dog sure can come in handy. Who knew they were so good at fetching beers.
07:00: Stopped to feed and groom my pet. Simba purred excitedly in anticipation of the combing.
07:55 AM Suddenly, there was a strong gust of wind. A long thin funnel cloud shot down from the heavens, slammed into the path in front of me, and vanished just as quickly. In its place, when the dust cleared, there was an “Act of God” insurance policy.