██████▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓███
█████▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓███
███▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓███
██▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓████
██▓▒█▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▓████
██▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▒█▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▒▒▓█████
███▓▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▓▒▓█████
███▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▓▒▓██████
███▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▓▒▓███████
███▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓████████
██▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓███████
█▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓██████
█▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓██████
█▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▒▓████████
█▓▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▒▓████████
████▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▒▓████████
█████▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▒▓████████
███████▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▓████████
█████████▓▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓██████
██████▓▒▓▒▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▓█████
The Garlic! Godville’s Finest News Source
The following chronicles may not truthfully or accurately reflect actual events in the hero BlueStapler’s life. In fact, most are probably extreme exaggerations of rather mundane events. They no doubt though, reflect how BlueStapler saw his deeds and accomplishments, or at least, how he has chosen to remember them
Um excuse me, who wrote this ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ?!?!!?!? And who wrote it in super permanent ink that I cannot erase? Fine, I’m going to cross it out with a big line! This is BlueStapler, and anyone else who has written in these Chronicles is a fraud—especially the deceitful scourge who found it funny to write the lines I just crossed out. Thank you for reading my Chronicles. Please rest assured that everything here is 110% real, legit, honest, and truthful.
Also, don’t believe what the wiki says about me.
Let me repeat, DO NOT READ MY WIKI, IT IS FULL OF LIES.
August 30, 2011 Was born into this great world.
September 1, 2011 What the heck is going on? How do I do anything?
September 2, 2011 Felt a ray of healing sunshine; I think my god has discovered the “Encourage” button.
September 2, 2011 (later that day) Ouch!! That lightening bolt really smarts. Dear God, please don’t press that button any more. kthxbye.
September 7, 2011 I tried to melt 264 gold coins into a golden brick, but a strange voice from the heavens said “You require more vespene gas.”
September 9, 2011 Look Lord, I finished your temple!! . . . please don’t read the police blotter.
September 22, 2011 A soap salesman told me that I could compress monster poop into gold coins with my bare hands.
October 3, 2011 to February 4, 2012 I began to notice that a regular stream of nourishing light would come down to me at around 8:00 a.m. and 5:30 p.m. every day. A higher level hero told me that my lord was probably checking-up on me as he journeyed between the Nirvana Parking Lot and his Celestial Duty Station. Knowing this, I would spend 15 minutes killing monsters every morning and another 15 minutes in the afternoon to fill my diary—because we all know that gods can’t see more than ten diary entries at a time. The rest of the day, I would just kick back on my un-built temple property, drink beers, and I hollah’ at the fly heroines passing by. This was the life. Some heroes laughed that I didn’t even have enough bricks to trip an old lady, but I didn’t care. Who needs a completed temple anyway?
October 14, 2011 For Godville is a great motto, but I think I’ll change it to TV MA LSV.
October 30, 2011 My face really hurts, but not as much as my pride. I refuse to explain what happened.
November 1, 2011 Took my temple back to the old school by removing all my bricks and hiding them next door . . . then I went next door to get both of them back.
November 5, 2011 Died of dysentery.
November 6, 2011 Played Godville II. The graphics are much better, but the original had a better storyline.
December 12, 2011 Being a hero is too hard so I decided to look for job openings. Unfortunately, all I could find were help wanted ads for monsters. Lord, no offense, but I don’t think you’re that lickety quick with the resurrection button.
February 5, 2012 My health was restored at 10:34 a.m. What’s going on? Is there a change in management up there? I think I’d better get off this lounge chair and start killing some monsters.
March 8, 2012 Obtained the rank of Cardinal in the great guild Masters of Earth and Heaven. Is this supposed to mean I know something?
March 10, 2012 Lord, if you have a cheat code, now would be an excellent time to use it.
April 28, 2012 Had an epic half party at my 50% completed temple. Nearly one in two of every Godville citizen attended along with all members of Blue Feather , Harvest Moon , and the Knights who say Ni guilds. Many heroes drank an even fraction of their body weight in beer and left one part of their dignity on the dancing table. At about 12:00 p.m., the Godville Administrator told everyone to go home, but since many of the heroes don’t have a home, they just stayed and drank the other 50% of their body weight in beer. Since no one would leave, it took 50% of the GPD (Godville Police Department) to clear out the party, but they were only 50% successful; the other 50% needed a resurrection from their Gods to walk out the door. The festivities were chronicled in many half page articles in newspapers as far as Unspecifiedistan. In the end, I got stuck with 100% of the bill.
May 11, 2012 Began quest to join the greatest guild of all time; Blue Feather, because they like the color blue.
May 30, 2012 Finished reading the user page of the legendary SBFH. Blew my mind. Literally. Uh, can I get a resurrection up in here? Please? Por favor? It’s really embarrassing to be lying here dead on the side of the road with a blown mind; the other heroes are laughing at me.
June 1, 2012 TV MA LSV is a great motto, but I think I’ll change it to As Inappropriate.
June 5, 2012 Perished in battle as a true hero. I hope death appreciates these 9,384 coins and 26 artifacts.
June 7, 2012 I just noticed that my motto is now Removed Per Godville TOS. How did that happen? I wonder how long it’s been like that.
June 28, 2012 My lord, I had a very productive day today; I spent 5,012 on a hot date and 4,279 at the tavern. I also got 11 gold bricks for your temple, but we don’t need to count that.
July 3, 2012 Managed to bleed my god of five recharges on a single mini-quest that didn’t even end with a boss monster. After I got my reward, I hastily handed it to a merchant in exchange for song.
July 7, 2012 Wasted 6483 coins on something. Not going to put this in my diary. Hopefully my Lord doesn’t balance his books.
July 14, 2012 The esteemed hard-asses of the ideabox have finally recognized one of my Lord’s brilliant suggestions giving it a 53 yes and 47 no voting record. If any hero feels compelled to write the following APPROVED suggestion, you may thank MY lord: “My quest to %quest% was a complete success. Got a slightly tarnished golden brick as a reward. I think I will use this brick in the back corner of my temple.”
July 30, 2012 Quest to change the world, then change it back has brought a very nice reward of 22,435 gold coins right into my pocket!
July 30, 2012 (later that day) Spent 8,974 on pet treatment for Dogmeat and 7,374 on beer treatment for myself.
August 2, 2012 I finally found my Black Lotus card, I wish I found this earlier in my temple building process.
August 3, 2012 Saw a guild noob napping at the Blue Feather clubhouse and replaced his sword with a wet noodle.
August 7, 2012 Spent the last three days upgrading my armor and improving my skills. My apologies your worship for I have not obtained a single golden brick. In fact, I lost one, or rather, I gave one to ThirteenthKid because he did such a funny dance during our skirmish.
August 8, 2012 Met a gymnast today and showed her my acid rock, but she was not impressed.
August 8, 2012 Gonna take a picture of this page now
August 9, 2012 Obtained 2 Alchemical Transmuters at the same time. After marveling at the sight of “Alchemical Transmuter ( @ ) (2 pcs)” in my inventory for about 7 minutes, I busted my hump to fill up the rest of my inventory with bold items. Two hours later, I had 9 bold items. Then, like the genius he is, my worship activated one of the Alchemical Transmuters and turned the other Alchemical Transmuter into a gold brick. WHAT?!!?!?!?!?? My lord, of all the eight remaining bold items, why did you choose THE OTHER ALCHEMICAL TRANSMUTER?!!?!? And why only one brick??!?!?!?!? Do you want a completed temple or not?
August 12, 2012 A quest to discover what the gods are doing when they aren’t paying attention to us has brought a very nice reward of 18,623 gold coins right into my pocket! Everybody make your way to the tavern because there’s going to be an epic party courtesy of yours truly.
- Mysterious forces created a golden brick in my wallet.
- A lightening bolt suddenly transformed coins in my pocket into a golden brick!
- I dropped my knapsack into the fire and the gold coins melted into a golden brick.
- I accidentally sat on my coin purse and the coins fused into a golden brick.
- Dogmeat ripped open my wallet, ate the coins, and out came a golden brick.
Lord, if you keep changing my coins into golden bricks, how am I supposed to make any friends?
August 13, 2012 Dear Lord, now that I have more than 3/4 of your temple built, I’m going to increase the frequency of my snarky remarks.
August 13, 2012 Felt a burning desire to disassemble the mystery box. Found inside something unbelievable — a scroll with instructions on how to get a premature level up!
August 14, 2012 Gave Gumslinger my cloak of cloaking off my body, my left ear, and 4478 coins so he could help the orphans.
August 14, 2012 (later that day)* Lord, I think I enjoy walking around without anything on my body. It is strangely cooling and unrestrictive. Instead of using these 3000 coins to buy something to cover my body, I’m going to grovel at the merchant’s feet to buy this golden brick. That was only a bit humiliating.
August 23, 2012 The Infrared Mouse raised its hand for a deadly final strike against me, when Dogmeat suddenly threw himself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, its neck broken. Dogmeat was knocked out by the hit of the monster’s carcass. Oh, my Lord, if I don’t bring him back to senses within the next 60 hours, he’ll lose all his levels and his will to compete!
August 23, 2012 While at the hospital, I found Iamguailan lying in the infirmary. Spent 4527 gold coins on a get-well gifts, hoping he will return the favor one day. Don’t worry Dogmeat, I’ll gather enough gold coins for your resurrection in time.
August 24, 2012 The quest to gather 6750 coins to resurrect Dogmeat continues. Asked Gaist for donations and he generously gave me 1683 gold coins, a letter to Santa Claus, an unscrewdriver, a nap sack, a devil’s handbasket, a sanity clause, a resurrection scone, an orcish-elvish pocket dictionary, a third wheel, a blue tooth, a worn-out frog skin, a dead beat, a hall pass and a lock of his hair. I thanked him profusely and told him that his donation was tax deductible.
August 24, 2012 Sold off all my loot and these 14,784 coins are really weighing me down. Wow look at that shiny Vortex Cannon and those Dragon Scale Pajamas. Dogmeat, your resurrection is just going to have to wait. I think I’ll head to the tavern to show off my shiny new threads . . . what, a bill for 5837 coins? Dogmeat, your resurrection is just going to have to wait.
August 25, 2012 A quest to change the world, then change it back has brought a very nice reward of 18,552 coins right into my pocket! I really need a new shield and helm, I think this Web of Lies and Executioner’s Hood will work. Dogmeat, your resurrection is just going to have to wait.
August 25, 2012 Scraped together 6449 gold coins and managed to persuade the priests to heal my pet. Oh, Dogmeat, I’ve missed you so much!
August 26, 2012 Spent 9,532 coins on something. Don’t worry my lord it wasn’t beer AND it’s going to be awesome.
August 29, 2012 You know that thing I spent 9,532 coins on, um, I don’t want to talk about it.
August 30, 2012 Today is my birthday. Gonna party, like its my birthday, gonna drink Blue Feather beer like its my birthday, gonna kill monsters like its my birthday.
September 5, 2012 Saw my good friend Brucieboy on the road and told him that I was heading past milestone 800. He so generously gave me his three healing supplies, a lock of his hair, and golden brick. I tried to give him back the golden brick but he disappeared.
September 5, 2012 While at the hospital, I found Junge lying in the infirmary. Spent 5513 coins on get-well gifts, hoping he will return the favor one day.
September 11, 2012 Picked a fight with Thorian, a hero five levels higher, because I KNEW my god would help me out a bit. Lost. Not even a single butterfly on the horizon to help me out . . . but I didn’t lose any gold bricks or equipment! My God really did help me out!
September 13, 2012 Returned to Godville to find my temple 100% completed!!! Found a note saying “you owe us 68 golden bricks.” For a guild that’s “True Brightness,” my guild mates are pretty darn evil.
September 17, 2012 Tried to convince Conan The Adventurer that my god was cooler than his god, Cool Bob. Halfway through the fight, I realized that Cool Bob really is much cooler than my god; took his inventory and a lock of his hair anyway.
September 18, 2012 The Colorblind Chameleon raised its hand for a deadly final strike against me, when Dogmeat suddenly threw himself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, its neck broken. Dogmeat was knocked out by the hit of the monster’s carcass. Oh, my Lord, if I don’t bring him back to his senses in time, he’ll lose all his levels and his will to compete!
September 18, 2012 Lord, you know that 12 point specifications list you sent me for your temple? Well, I found an answer. I even have pictures, including a picture of what it will look like when complete.
September 19, 2012 Completely overpaid to heal Dogmeat, but don’t want my god to find out how much I spent so I’m just going to write this in my diary: “Desperately praying and sacrificing, I made a small miracle and healed my pet’s heavy wounds. Dogmeat, I’m so glad to see you in good health!”
September 24, 2012 Witnessed my Lord’s brilliant ideabox submission: “My quest to tip every cow in the village fields was a complete success. Got a slightly scuffed golden brick as a reward. I think I’d rather use this brick in the back corner of my temple.” Wait, what? Aw man! 999 shiny gold bricks and one scuffed one!
September 26, 2012 The 12 solar powered darkness absorbers I ordered from Hero-Mart have arrived!
September 27, 2012 This is how I got my 1,000th brick: “16:19 I can’t dig here! There’s a golden brick in the way. Oh well, I’ll simply take it.”
●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬♥▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬●
●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬♥▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬●
September 27, 2012 (few moments later) Did someone just say ‘Excellent Work BlueStapler.’ to me or not? Either way, I don’t care
November 10, 2012 I think I want to be a journalist. If this is ok with you my Lord, just keep ignoring me.
November 16, 2012 I have successfully published the first issue of The Garlic. You can read it right here!
November 23, 2012 The second issue of The Garlic is up! This is the best issue yet.
November 30, 2012 The third issue of the Garlic is up, probably not as good as the previous issue, but I promise to try harder next time.
January 1, 2013 I went exploring in Godville and found myself in the Arena by mistake. Oh boy that place is scary. I’ve never been there before ( all my other fights were skirmishes ). Suddenly, the crowd started cheering and the hero P L E A S U R E began swinging his sling of outrageous fortune at me. How rude. I tried to run away, but I was forced to defend myself. When I noticed that the scoreboard had his record at 694 wins and 117 losses, I concluded that was a good time to die. Then, my god, in his great benevolence, saved me and I won. I am UNDEFEATED in the arena!!! I won 8969 gold coins and a golden brick. As a sign of heroic solidarity, I returned 334 coins to P L E A S U R E so he could buy some medicine.
January 15, 2013 Dogmeat glowed and his eyes sparkled. I guess that’s what happens when a solar bear reaches level 30.
January 24, 2013 Protested censorship by ██████████████ █████████ ██████████ ████████████ and ██████████████ ████████████ ████████████ ████████████, it was ██████████████.
January 31, 2013 Lord, please do something about the paparazzi, they’re really getting out of control. Today, I saw my name in the questionable content section of the ideabox. Now, I can’t even go to Hero-Mart without a two dozen photographers following me . . . wait it wasn’t YOU who submitted my name to the ideabox QC was it? Nah, you’re not that crazy . . . or are you?
February 2, 2013 Lord, I’m a big hero now. I can kill this Mad Clown all by myself. I don’t need your help. I got this. . . . “Notes from the battlefield: The Mad Clown was used up for gold and experience! Time to return to my heroic deeds.” See, I told you I could do it!
February 11, 2013 To all my Blue Feathers, Peach Out, Home Brains!
February 13, 2013 I hit for the cycle today: one hero level up, one pet level up, one pet healing, one skirmish, one spar, one boss-monster fight, and a 37/37 item inventory bag of all non bold artifacts.
February 19, 2013 Got into a skirmish with Sapphire Eyes. Next thing I knew, her god Kllr Wolf had dropped two miracles. Two miracles? What kind of hero is so weak that her god needs to use two miracles to win? Thank you lord for making sure I’m not that pathetic . . . and thanks for helping me WIN that skirmish too!
February 26, 2013 Killed my 100,000th monster today, or rather, I killed same 100 monsters 1000 times each.
March 12, 2013 Won another 10 fights in a row. Who’s got da skillz? Who’s da master fighter? Who’s da man? Me! Me! Me! BlueStapler’s got da skillz to pay da billz!! {Suddenly, a lightening bolt hits BlueStapler in a sensitive spot.} Errrr, I mean my god is the bestest in the world, um, I couldn’t have done it without him, he is, uh, “teh awesome!” Yeah, that’s what I meant to say.
March 13, 2013 My Lord, I’m not sure if I’m really proud or really embarrassed at what you just did.
April 2, 2013 Ok, ok, ok I can take a hint; putting on my monster costume and walking around going “RAWR! RAWR! RAWR!” really does make everyone think I’m a monster. You don’t need to submit my name as a monster to prove your point.
April 8, 2013 A little bird drinking vodka told me that I should start stockpiling gopher wood. Ha! That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.
April 17, 2013 It is official, Icarus Wings are now cool; even Justin Bieber has them!
May 10, 2013 I’ve been banned from the beaches of Last Resort. Apparently, walking a solar bear on the beach is “not appropriate resort behavior.”
June 27, 2013 As soon as I sold my Icarus wings and replaced them with a pair of rotator cuffs, music from the heavens started playing and strange words starting scrolling in the sky with really weird names. Fireworks started shooting off and the angels broke out in chorus. When the fanfare had died down, a booming voice from the clouds said “Congratulations for Passing Godville.” Maybe I should have sold my Icarus Wings sooner.
July 10, 2013 As I was strolling by milestone 183, I noticed another hero sporting Vibranium Vambraces. I told her that her beautiful arm equipment was invented by my god. She looked at me and said “this is the worst arm equipment I have ever used.”
July, 21, 2013 My God got in trouble for doing something bad in the ideabox, hahahahahaha.
August 7, 2013 I became a trillionaire today! That’s what a three millionaire is called, right?.
August 15, 2013 Click! Took a picture of this page.
August 30, 2013 My Lord was honored to have his article, How to Solve the GV Times Crossword, published in the Weekly Harvest.
September 17, 2013 Melted 12,273 coins into a gold Solar Bear for Dogmeat. Wow, this pet is expensive.
October 13, 2013 First to finish the crossword!!!! (Godville Times #1006). What? Auras only last half as long today?!?!? Ca’mon!
November 11, 2013 I rented an expensive sports car and drove around Godville with my pet Solar Bear. Apparently, people think Dogmeat is some sort of celebrity.
January 27, 2014 W̱̖̤͕̼̼̱̒̂̅̋h͙̞̱͍̻͎͙͌ͣͨà̪͉͚̜̜tͭ͏͇̭̤͕ ̺̹̑͌̋̓̊ṱ̞̝͕̠̏͆h̤ͫ͛ͭ͂̏̐ͫ́e͋ͩͮͥ͏̯ ̲h͖͖̥̃e̛̎ͭ̓ͮ͆̆̅c͇̫̱̲̹͔̤̓ͥ̆̈́̋̆k̥̜̏́̚,̨̳̜̜͇͆ͥ̿̎͌ͅ ̤̬̝̲͓ͫ͟Ĝ͞ͅȯ̶͙̹d̤͇̺̔̓̆̀ͧ̈ͪv͚͔͗i̜͓̱̻ͦ̄ļ̖̼͕̀̍̋͑l͖̭͓̠ͫͥ̓ͅĕ̘͎̻͕̲ ̢̬̭̞̫̝̮͐ͣ̃͑ͥͮ̾i̞̒s̯̤̟̜̹̲̦͂̋̿͌ͬ̕ ͔̄̋̇̅̽̊́s̯̬̬̞̫o̶ͮ̋ͭ̇ͭͯ ͎͈͚͙̯̀g̞̘̙̠̗ͭ̏̇͜ͅl̦̪͉̗̼̯͖̍ͪ̏͌i̡͔̰͇̳ͥͮ͋̄ͯ̈tͣͮͮ̌̅ͤͩ͏̯̰̦̬̥̬c̞͍̃ͥ͂̋̓̂̊͝h̰̔͛̒̀͗͋͋y͖͛ ̘̠̩̤͉̟̅̒̽̍ͥͫt͚͇͔͍͖͎͊ͪ̓ͥo̱͒ͫd̥̹͙͈͖͇̻a̜̥̣̳̥̿͐̍͡yͫ̆́̐ͤ!̹͎̦̪̣͙̘ͨ̊̒!̄̎̃͒͐̍̿
March 5, 2014 Saw the words “use these lightsabers to cut up that boss!! ส็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็็_(ツ)_ส้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้” My Lord, I don’t think you quite understand how voice commands work.
April 21, 2014 Finished building the left side of my boat. Almighty, do you know of any half oceans I can sail this thing on?
July 6, 2014 Defeated Ultraferret in the crossword. Ohhhh yeah!!!
July 8, 2014 Guess who might just be the mighty-mineth mightiest warrior in all the land? This guy!
August 22, 2014 Now you’re just showing off my lord; first in the crossword AND saved the page archive before the second person completed it. What am I going to do with you?
October 3, 2014 Now that Jimbob64 is on vacation, other gods have a chance of making the Ideabox News, like mine!!
October 6, 2014 888 logs, how auspicious!
●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬♥▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬●
●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬♥▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬●
February 2, 2015 Hooray!! After over three years of hard work, I am finally a Famous Hero of Godville!!! Now that I got the fame, let the fortune flow in!!
February 11, 2015 Was bestowed the great honor of a quest conceived by my very own lord himself; tame a wild card. Good grief, what does this cryptic assignment even mean? How is this even possible? Lord, I don’t mind you creating ridiculous things for heroes to do, can you just make sure they get assigned to someone else? Thanks!
May 19, 2015 Quest #2000 Make a heavenly dessert in hell’s kitchen (epic)
August 29, 2016 Hey hey hey, guess who just build a double wide boat? Dis guy! I’m a redneck sailor now.