[Hi there! Thanks for checking my Chronicle. Just to let you know: I’m one of the leaders of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch Guild, and I have
two four alts, Sasha And Pasha, who are bartenders at the AMCW, God of Autocorrect, who is just for silliness, Saengfai, who is a private detective known to catch the eye of a certain captain of the AMCW, and Dischord, who I’m basically just keeping safe until maybe someday her owner returns to Godville. I’m quite happy to be friended, but because I live in Asia, there might be a delay in my answering, depending on the time of day you contact me and where you live in the Roundworld. Also, with my job, I tend to get very busy at times, so I have this terrible tendency to lose contact with people. If things have been quiet, just reach out to me and I will respond!]
Description of Azzageddi
Azzageddi is a devil mentioned in Herman Melville’s least-read novel, Mardi, which is set in a fantasy pseudo-Polynesian archipelago.
Our Azzageddi of Godville was that same devil, weak and bodiless, who possessed a Mardian God-King (all their chiefs are worshipped as gods), and then escaped from the world of Mardi to the Roundworld, where he became a God of Rebellion, toppling governments and often leaving quite a mess.
Disillusioned, he found the Disc, where he was recruited into the Watch, and was later assigned to the Godville branch, where he acquired a hero.
He still wears that stolen body. In appearance, he looks like a very tall, dark-skinned Polynesian man, shaggy haired, muscular but not at all ripped, more cuddly looking. When he gets angry, war-tattoos blossom on his face and body like ink soaking through rice paper, and he can transform into a huge horrifying demonic form with wings and claws and big bitey teeth. This embarrasses him, though, so he avoids it.
Should I start chronicling? OK, I guess. I was kind of hoping somebody, like a squire or something, was going to start doing this for me, but I guess it’s just me. Hm.
Well, I have this god, Azzageddi, and he seems OK. Actually, when he heals me, I totally love him, like, BLISS! y’know? But long periods of time will go by with nothing. Do gods sleep? Do they sleep for a really long time, like days or weeks? Maybe time runs differently up in Heaven.
So I’ve been at this adventuring thing for…well, it feels like ages. I’ve died! Actually, twice, but some artifact erased one of those, and now it just feels like a dream. I’ve killed well over a thousand monsters…not entirely sure why…but hey, I get gold and stuff. Not really clear on why some of these monsters carry such things. Some of them, sure, they’re pretty much people, but why the heck is an Optimus Slime or a Battle Hamster carrying money? The world is a confusing place.
My equipment still sucks, though it’s very slowly getting better. I had an 11-battle winning streak going in the Arena, but recently I went up against someone with much better equipment. That was Faith. The fight was a lot of fun, to tell the truth, and even though she did kick my butt in the end, we became friends afterwards.
I got into the Ankh-Morpork City Watch—sweet! Commander Vimes even spoke to me! Kind of scary, but he admired my rusty crowbar. Now I have some kind of whatsit weapon…I don’t even know how to describe it. I hope I can get a good-old sword or mace or something soon. Cheery Littlebottom was very nice to me too, even though I thought she was a guy in drag at first. It was the beard…I haven’t met many dwarves. Dwarfs? God, I don’t even now how to spell it properly.
Right, enough for now. I’ll try to record important stuff that happens to me from now on.
later Wow, Commander Vimes just befriended my Azzageddi! Awesome! But…I guess that means I’m now friends with Corporal Nobby Nobbs. Um…that’s good, right???
Well, I died again, so back up to two times, officially. Where were you, Azzageddi? Sleeping, I bet.
My god is using way less healing than he used to, but he sends lots of encouraging commands in Arena duels now, like “SMITE HIM SMIGHTILY!” It seems to work. My opponents’ gods tend to just say stuff like, “hit,” “kick,” “strike.” Like they can’t be bothered to really put some OOMPH into it! Lame. My god’s the best!
Even if he did let me die. Yes, Azzageddi, I’m still kinda pissed off about that!
2011.08.29 I have a tickling gun! AWESOME! Wait, what does it say on the side? … Nightgaunt Industries? Hm.
later Unicorn-horn talisman! Unicorn-horn talisman! SQUEEEEEE!
2011.08.30 Died again. Bummer. I think I must’ve taken a wrong turn…I seem at be passing NEGATIVE milestones! Or maybe…maybe I’m still dead!!! Is this the Underworld?
2011.09.04 I just bought a new anti-meteor umbrella to use as a shield! It cost a ridiculous amount of money, and it’s not as good as the flaming shield I had before, but it’s so CUTE! Wait…is my god yelling at me? [holds umbrella above head and crouches down]
2011.09.08 Level 17! Whoop! Yeah, baby! AND I’ve won 20 ARENA DUELS! Teeeeeeee-won-tee! Lately, my Azzageddi doesn’t Restore more than once…sometimes not at all, so more and more, I’m winning these things on my own—not that you don’t help me Lord!
There was a long, long period when I lost all contact with my God. I thought I’d been abandoned!! I mean, just thinking of it makes me want to cry. There was this strange number just hanging in the sky, 506, and utter silence from all our Gods. The entire world with no God-voices… What the heck was that?
2011.09.19 I HAVE A PET! I HAVE A PET! AND I NAMED HIM GLEEP, AND I WILL HUG HIM AND SQUEEZE HIM AND CALL HIM GLEEP! AND I WILL LOVE HIM AND PROTECT HIM AND FEED HIM AND CLEAN UP HIS LITTLE POO-POOS! I PROMISE I PROMISE I PROMISE OH GREAT ONE CAN I KEEP HIM PLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSE???
OH THANK YOU GREAT ONE!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
later ‘09:35 Watched Gleep sleep as he cuddled against my leg. Aw, what a cute little dust bunny…’
I AM SO HAPPYYYYYYYYY!!!
2011.09.30 NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! GLEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIIIIIIIEEEEEE???
It’s OK…it’s OK…I-I have almost enough money to raise you, and here we are back in Godville. … OK, I’ve sold my loot, and now we can go straight to the temple and get you resurrected…OH WOW LOOK AT THOSE SHOES! THEY’RE SO CUTE!
NOOOO GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! NOW I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RAISE YOUUUUUUUUU!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
2011.10.01 HURRAY! Gleep is alive again! And he’s back to his old self…except sometimes his eyes glow red. Maybe I should buy him some eyedrops.
2011.10.03 YIKES! Gleep’s personality has changed from “clumsy” to “scary”! No wonder his eyes are growing red. Gleep, did you bring an evil possessing spirit with you when you came back from the Land of Dead Bunnies? And if so, could you introduce us?
2011.10.16 I’ve just killed my 10,000th monster! It was a lightsaber-toothed tiger! WHOOOOOOO!!!!!
2012.3.10 I haven’t updated my Chronicles in a loooong time. I guess I’ve been kind of sad ever since Gleep died for the third or fourth time and I didn’t have enough money to resurrect him because he was so high-level and then he started to smell bad and one morning I woke up to find crickets had stolen his body.
I cried a lot.
Later I got another pet, but…it wasn’t the same. And he died and resurrected, died and resurrected, and finally the same thing happened: he died and I couldn’t scrape enough money together to resurrect him. So I buried him to keep him safe from the crickets. I’m on my third (fourth?) pet now. He follows me around but I’m trying not to get too attached. I still don’t know why a biowolf can meow, anyway. That’s just weird.
I’m way higher level now, and I’m a Cardinal in the Watch, so no more getting tricked into trying to join other guilds! I just wish those trickster gods in our guild didn’t keep doing stuff like replacing my cardinal robes with bacon. My robes ended up covered with crickets. Man, where are all these crickets coming from!?
And I have about fifty friends. Most are in my Guild, but a lot of them are people I faced in the Arena. Some of them beat me, some of them I beat, but I befriended them because they were funny or interesting or honorable, and the winner always buys drinks after. Most of the people I fight in the Arena are sooooo boring, and some are just jerks. I think sometimes my god just wanders off because they’re so boring, with their gods issuing commands like “hit punch kill pray heal yourself” OVER and OVER and OVER! Ugh! No style… I’ve lost more often over the past few months because my god rarely heals me in the Arena, but on the upside, I just won my 50th duel!
My temple is almost halfway completed. People are starting to sacrifice money to my god! Which is great, because that pays for a lot of drinks.
So I guess life is good. But…I still miss Gleep.
2013.1.19 I haven’t written in a really really really long time. So much has happened…I finished my god’s temple, and I’m a regent in the Watch, and I’m really tough and powerful and my god works miracles through me, and I’m closing in on my 100,000th monster kill…
But you know, I didn’t really care about any of that. Ever since Gleep died, it was all just…work. A job. Going through the motions. I mean, finishing that temple was pretty cool, but then I was all like, “Yay me. Now what?”
Well, today I went to a party at our Guildhouse. A lot of gods were there, and their heroes, and a lot of these buga buga bunnies, which if I understand right were rejected by the Ideabox, so now they can only exist in the Guildhouse—if they go outside without protective spells, they’ll just disappear. So they work around the Guildhouse, filing paperwork and mixing drinks and giving massages…and I think there’s even some hanky panky going on.
I haven’t had any hanky panky in way too long.
Um, anyway, so I went there and my holy one was, um, CUDDLING with one of these bunnies, and I got mad and…I actually yelled at him. That’s right, I yelled at my G-O-D. And then the bunny knocked me down, and we wrestled, and I was SO going to pop her one in the mouth, and then I saw her eyes…
It was Gleep. I don’t know how I knew, but it was Gleep, back from the dead again. Gleep was a girl now, named Mitzi, and she was a lot bigger, almost as tall as me, but it was my Gleepy, all the same.
She’s not my pet anymore…for a second I thought maybe we could go back to the way things were, but…well, she’s not just an animal anymore, she’s a person. Heck, she’s an Officer of the Watch, like me. So…I think maybe we can be friends, though. She forgave me for not resurrecting her that last time…I guess now I need to try to forgive myself.
I hope I can. I’m just glad she’s alive again.
2013.5.8 Well, I haven’t updated in a dog’s age! Well I just got back from a totally AWESOME adventure with Syrona and Zatheres. Yep, saved the world! I was gonna say “again,” but that wouldn’t be true…I’ve only saved it the one time so far. But hey, now I have this nifty new sword that sounds like Malcolm McDowell, so maybe this saving-the-world biz will become a regular gig.
2014.1 Now there’s a surprise! I somehow got elected Leader of the AMCW! Well, my Almighty One is the leader…or maybe I am…I’m leader of the Hero cops, anyway. He can be leader of the god cops.