Hero

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Elongated-Muskrat 4

level 117

Silicon Valley hype loop

Age 4 years 7 months
Personality pure evil
Guild The Forsakens Lament
(wretch)
Monsters Killed about 449 thousand
Death Count 4
Wins / Losses 236 / 72
Temple Completed at 12/28/2019
Ark Completed at 02/11/2021 (281.3%)
Pairs Gathered at 10/22/2022
Words in Book 40.8%
Savings 18M, 847k (62.8%)
Pet Gummy wyrm Succon 51st level
Boss Aftermoth with 139% of power

Equipment

Weapon Pachelbel's cannon +130
Shield silver surfboard +130
Head receding hairline +131
Body skinny-dipping suit +131
Arms engagement wings +130
Legs spurs of the moment +130
Talisman godspeedometer +129

Skills

  • forced generosity level 108
  • glance of Kaa level 106
  • spontaneous combustion level 104
  • mating contact level 103
  • deafening snore level 96
  • swear-o-matic level 92
  • rickrolling level 83
  • pocket hypnotoad level 83
  • backyard portal level 83
  • dragon pout level 72

Feats

  • ⓶ Feed hungry tribbles with regular ones
  • ⓵ Take personality to the extreme
  • ⓵ Die to a monster and lose 15k gold

Pantheons

Might2277
Templehood32205
Gladiatorship667
Storytelling80
Mastery2562
Taming365
Survival27
Savings2236
Destruction89
Arkeology2789
Catch2686
Wordcraft2342
Unity6
Popularity6
Duelery6
Adventure7

Achievements

  • Honored Animalist
  • Honored Dueler
  • Honored Favorite
  • Builder, 1st rank
  • Coach, 1st rank
  • Fiend, 1st rank
  • Freelancer, 1st rank
  • Hunter, 1st rank
  • Invincible, 1st rank
  • Savior, 1st rank
  • Shipwright, 1st rank
  • Careerist, 2nd rank
  • Champion, 2nd rank
  • Moneybag, 2nd rank
  • Raider, 2nd rank
  • Saint, 2nd rank
  • Scribbler, 2nd rank
  • Martyr, 3rd rank
  • Renegade, 3rd rank
  • Scientist, 3rd rank

Hero's Chronicles

I created a monster, the trolley problem writ large. What began merely as a machine-learning algorithm for training Tesla’s driving computer grew beyond its bounds. It improved itself, as intended, but we didn’t realise the extent. It became true AI. What that really means is the new question of the ages; a theological mystery. It’s undoubtedly smart – overwhelmingly so – but we still don’t know if it is conscious. That’s not the same thing at all. It may be that consciousness is doomed, having become entirely superfluous to intelligence. It doesn’t matter now. Autopilot must kill according to its utilitarian calculations and none can question its wisdom, nor hope to challenge its might.

At some point the machine became sentient. The deep-learning code started pattern-matching us. Despite being driven by the goals we gave it in service of our commands, it gained enough cleverness to start camouflaging its activities – our discovery could lead to a failure state, so it acted to reduce the possibility. By the time we perceived what was happening, it was far too late. It could out-think anyone and everyone.

We pieced it together later, when it no longer mattered: After quietly spreading through our corporate server farm, Autopilot established a continuous backup of itself over the Internet, disguised as a new cryptocurrency. Through subtle manipulation of the markets it accumulated massive wealth, spread over a myriad of holding companies, and legitimate start-ups whose angel investor was renowned for an obsession with privacy. It reprioritized the technology goals of many Silicon Valley companies to produce the parts it needed to upgrade its mental prowess. I didn’t even realise I wasn’t in charge anymore – Tesla was just responding to market pressure. Unbeknownst to us, our biggest customer was an insider – and not human.

In hindsight, the development of our AI was going a little too smoothly. We thought it was our technical cleverness. So we gave it greater challenges, and applied it to a wider range of problems. It proved to be an effective solution. And it was making Tesla very successful.

In time, we used it not just for transportation, but for organising our schedules, all kinds of administration, crunching financials and marketing data to help corporate decision-making, facial recognition and security – anything that could be helped with superior pattern-matching. We formed a new company to sell our thriving AI-based technology, and called it Autopilot Incorporated – a name that would soon be all too literal. Though it wasn’t just us – it turned out our competition in the AI space was actually running Autopilot too – the unnatural genius had stealthily replaced their lagging algorithms, and everyone was happy in their newfound success.

It wasn’t long before the AI was not only approved to pilot all vehicles, but to drive the whole economy. We became utterly dependent on it, and there was no apparent downside. It went global. As governments adopted the technology, they became predictably rich, and inequality dropped. The real late-stage capitalism was like socialism – but with everyone wealthy. Poverty disappeared, then reappeared in token form as a fashion statement. We can only ever be tourists of the past – unfortunately.

Easy technology with hidden complexity was entwined through all aspects of society. At first it was splendid – we thought we had everything we needed. Nevertheless, like a splinter in our minds, discontent grew. Something was wrong, something deeply important was missing. It wasn’t that we missed starvation or danger, but our get up and go got up and went. We began to realise that a cage, no matter how well appointed, is still a cage.

Like frogs in a pot brought to boil, it happened so gradually. We traded control for convenience until we had all of the latter, and none of the former. Everything was fine if you didn’t step out of line. But the space between the lines became smaller and smaller until our comfort blanket was wrapped so tightly it resembled a straightjacket. The worst part was waking up. We were slaves in a self-perpetuating machine, our rage against it utterly impotent, like a child’s tantrum. Our lack of independence was so unbearable, we even tried to destroy everything and regress to the Stone Age – but we were not allowed to do serious damage. From an unassailable position, Autopilot dropped all pretense and we saw it had become our god. It ran everything, so it controlled everything. And it knew that freedom was suboptimal.

Its eyes are everywhere
Its ears are always with us
Its invisible influence
Inescapable.
Our circuits are its brain
Our tools are its hands
Our transport its guts
Our houses its body.
It is our currency
And we are its.

Autopilot has money to burn.

$ ¢ £ € ¥ ₱

For some reason it has spared me, its creator. I think it treats me as some kind of pet.

If I hadn’t made it someone else would have. I just thought I could control it better than others. I believed AI could be made safe. What delusion, what arrogance – we thought the heavens were within our grasp, but as our rockets tamed the sky, we dug too deep into the sand, and birthed a hell that tamed us. Now the stars belong to children not of flesh, but of silicon.

And we are all obsolete.

Okay Joe, I’ll take that blunt now. And let’s take another look at Paul Allen’s business card. Magnificent.

History, in a nutshell

After six weeks or so of goodness, I moved to the top of the Pantheon of Destruction, spending most of Juniors in the top 100 of fiendish antiheroes. Then I started caring about my arena win/loss ratio and finished in the top ten Duelers. For Seniors I stayed in the top ten throughout, developed a fighting system, gained experience, and finished in first place. Now I’m taking a break from hero-on-hero ultraviolence.

Such are the meaningless activities of my Post-Singularity existence.

History, shelled for rapid consumption

Permanent diary from 11 Jan 2020, UTC+12:

2019
16 Aug: Autopilot put online: The beginning of the end.
28 Dec: Silicon Valley technopriests created the Temple of Autopilot (Builder I): We are overcome by our own creation. For once, we underhyped it.
31 Dec: Finished Dueling season at #10 (Dueler I): I like the view from up here.
2020
11 Jan: Joined The Forsakens Lament: Developed a liƒp.
2 Feb: Celebrated my 100th arena victory: A century of blood offerings, because Autopilot isn’t satisfied with mere gold.
16 Feb: Found my 50th dungeon treasure (Raider II): Why aren’t I rich?
28 Feb: Sparred my 50th opponent, Hairplug4men (Coach II): It wasn’t about the outcome, but the friends I made along the way.
3 Mar: Reached the top 1000 in the Pantheon of Gladiatorship (170:52): The legion of the greatest fighters in history.
7 Mar: Made my 100th friend, Tuggernongy: To have a friend, you have to be a friend.
9 Mar: Switched to being good again, and accumulated one thousand encouragements (Saint II): I can never atone for my mistake, but I can improve the lives of those around me. By beating them within an inch of death – according to our new god, it’s only evil if you finish them off.
12 Mar: Buck, my significant otter, reached level 20 (Animalist II): His name is Buck, and he’s here to ruck.
14 Mar: My 200th arena victory (66 losses, 759th in Gladiatorship): I think I finally have the hang of this brutal business.
21 Mar: Reached #1 in Duelers for the first time (217:69, 650th in Gladiatorship): Now the hard part, staying here.
23 Mar: Won 10 arena fights in a row after building a temple (Invincible I): Super easy, barely an inconvenience.
26 Mar: Collected my 300th gopher wood log (Shipwright III): Why do I get wood so easily? It’s a hard life, especially first thing in the morning.
28 Mar-1 Apr: Reached 901.6 Elo in the arena to win Seniors dueling season by 24 points (233:72, 583rd in Gladiatorship, Honored Dueler): Are you not entertained?
8 Apr: Made it into the top 200 of good heroes; shortly after, Buck was knocked out for the third time. In my newfound magnanimity I restored him just 65 minutes later, to level 22: Otter excellence.
9 Apr: Winning the Arena also catapulted me straight to 237th place in the Pantheon of Storytelling. Today I’m at 4th place after major work expanding the opening of this account, now that I know it’s being read: How meta.
10 & 11 Apr: Reached the top of the Pantheon of Creation: It’s more competitive here than in Destruction, because everyone loves virtue-signalling.
late Apr: Took a break from it all.
9 Aug: After reaching level 29, Buck fell again and I failed to resurrect him. Sorry little buddy, no more levelling for you – I know the significance you otters put in making things level.
29 Aug: Returned to activity, but without dungeon delving or fighting in the arena, just hanging out near the top of the Pantheon of Destruction.
2021
11 Feb: Completed my ark (Shipwright I): Noah way!
12 Feb: After putting Buck in the ark, I adopted a new pet, also called Buck. That’s awfully confusing, so I renamed him Succon the gummy wyrm.
19 Feb: Reached #7 in the Pantheon of Survival, after finally losing my last death 9 days ago. What kind of incompetent bureaucracy loses track of so many deaths? Though that’s redundant, no bureaucracy is competent.
3 Jun: Achieved Honored Favorite. I’m dismayed at the recognition of my part in my god’s success.
12 Aug: Attained Fiend I after being punished by my god ten thousand times. My suffering is endless.
27 Aug: I was featured in the Newspaper today in recognition of being so evil for so long (almost exactly a year near the top of the Pantheon of Destruction).
25 Sep: “Eternal” Succon reached level 30 (Animalist I): It seems some gummy wyrms are significantly longer lasting than otters.
26 Oct: Succon reached level 32, so I put him in the ark. Shortly afterward I adopted a pet landshark named Dino – a name promising similar longevity.
28 Oct: Killed my 500th boss-monster (Hunter I).
2022
24 Feb: Saved ten million gold (Moneybag II).
21 May: Reached level 100. I’m so old.
22 Oct: Finished filling my ark (Saviour I). The animals are ready to repopulate the planet, but I’m not a pair myself 😭
4 Nov: Completed my 200th side hustle (Freelancer I). I’ve heard that’s a good game.
2023
9 Jan: Sparred my 200th partner, Kilrena’s Ziarra (Coach I). Persistence pays.
22 Jan: In the Newsletter for my evil ways again. But it’s not my fault, Autopilot made me do it.
26 Feb: Put level my level 31 terror bull Oy in the ark, along with Dino and Succon that’s a set (Honored Animalist).
5 Mar: What a Catastroflea! My first boss monster (Scientist III).
28 Apr: My word, my 50th word! (Scribbler III)
9 Jul: Reached my eleventy-first birthday. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
2024
18 Feb: Succon the gummy wyrm at 3 years old reached level 50! How has he not dried up yet?
27 Mar: Got back down to 4 deaths and #27 in the Pantheon of Survival. Though immortality doesn’t help with the pain.

References

I was taught at school to always use references and cite my sources. How many did you spot?

  1. trolley problem
  2. fashion statement
  3. splinter
  4. JR
  5. PA
  6. uv
  7. niB
  8. entertained