Uhmm, noticed that my heroine has composed some chronicles in third person all by herself. Didn’t even know she could write! Best I provide some
irrelevantmeaningful commentary to take some of the creditshow my loving support.
Starting from the end: Leweth finally down to her last brick!
Lighting streaked across the sky. A howling wind blew dry tumbleweeds across the landscape. A group of mariachi, having completely misread their maps, played their soulful guitars and sang “Rangoooo!” from a molehill nearby.
Leweth stood still. She could see the glow of the last golden brick in the distance, but a huge Balrog wielding a Whip of Flame barred her path, waiting ominously fifty paces away (bored, having waited for a time). Well, the Balrog wasn’t that big, just a trick of the light, but definitely ominous, oh yes!
“You shall not pass!” it growled as it made its whip crack.
“Step back or ELSE…” yelled Leweth, who felt now so close to her goal that she would have no one or anything stop her.
“Or else what?” asked the monster puzzled.
“How would I know? That’s what I was told to say. It’s your line next in the script.”
The Balrog’s expression creased in further puzzlement as it tried to remember its next line, then it gave up and picked a piece of paper out of its back pocket, not an easy thing to manage with paper being a flaming demon and all.
“You will never get to that last brick. See this whip? I’ll crack you like a nut! Hahahaha!” The Balrog made the whip cracking a few more times for show, shaking its head in disgust. “Who writes these things? They sound like a collection of clichés. I can express myself better that that. And now you’re supposed to look at me for a few minutes while I perform a few more tricks with my whip then you drop your sword and shoot me with an arbalest. That’s not fair! I want an advocate.”
“Strange,” said Leweth casting a quick glance at her own script, “here it says I should shoot you and make a loud BANG sound. But arbalests just make TWOINGGG-WOOSH, not BANG!”.
She released the trigger and sure enough a BIG BANG filled the air. The music stopped. The wind fell quiet. A ray of sun broke through the clouds while, entirely by coincidence, the Universe was being created anew. The Balrog wanted to howl in pain but only whispered “I hope my medical insurance covers this!” to avoid spoiling the moment and vanished silently.
The road was open, at last. The path to glory. The way to enlightenment. The future beckoned to her and all was possible… Well, actually there were a few more formalities. A temple planning permit to submit, a late tax return to file and a false customs declaration to sign in order to to smuggle the last brick back in town. No matter, Leweth had made her God proud!
Finally, He could now look in the eyes the other Elder Gods and not be ashamed by the shabby hut in which He had been dwelling for nearly 17 months. In His infinite magnanimity He tossed a couple of coins to His heroine for a cold beer, topped that with an extra encourage and even accorded her a day off.
The temple was just a start, of course. The Elder Gods had enjoyed plenty of time to beautify and expand their properties.
Godzillla probably already had time to rebuild his temple twice, Gorgeous George had his fabled harem, Gordianus marble Roman baths, Epoch a vast library displaying all the Wikipedia scrolls, Nexus a tall belfry sporting an ominous reddish light at the top, the Twin Goddesses extensive dressing rooms for their multiple wardrobes, Lord Ignatz a golden outhouse, Gruntfuttock stables for his Trojan horses, Your Ex Girlfriend a fully fitted kitchen with pasta-maker and Ulvolose a private gladiatorial arena, not to mention all the other gods who had shown Aurlord the way.
One day Aurlord planned to have those things in His temple, but for now this was a moment of quiet and contemplative celebration… Right, moment passed, bring on the drinks!
Elder and Younger Gods, thank you all for befriending me along the way and making this voyage an enjoyable one even when Leweth’s mindless actions would have otherwise driven me insane! .
Leweth looked around puzzled. She had collected her last brick and had a drink, well a , while realisation slowly dawned upon her that this was it, she had finished what was expected from her, no more adventuring no more chronic… CLICK!
Ooops lights out, what happened? That was kind of cool though, the drama, the demon, the flaming whip… though to be honest I liked the mariachis best. I think I’ll add a concert hall extension to my temple. Well, add it, to be precise. Just a few more hundred bricks for Leweth to collect. Bet no doubt she’ll be overjoyed to be for more near&post-death experiences. And she’ll be able to recount new adventures. Problem is, her chronicles are basically finished already. Maybe I should have started the other way round…
Starting from the beginning: Birth of a Heroine
Leweth has little recollection of her birth. That’s probably because after 50 resurrections (and counting) one is bound to lose track. But she fondly remembers her first tavern. That was shortly after her birth. In between those two defining moments, there must have been some best-forgotten stuff going on as she found her pockets brimming with coins when she first entered the premises. When she was eventually thrown out a couple of days later she couldn’t even find most of her clothes, let alone the pockets.
“Cool! I should do this more often!” she thought in a daze.
As she pondered (with considerable difficulty) the best way to get more money without resorting to armed robbery, a sign in front of the Mayor’s office caught her eye: “Rich rewards for the brave! Have you got what it takes?”. She didn’t but, grossly overestimating her talents, she applied for her first quest , a resounding success that almost got her killed.
And so started her career as adventurer and monster hunter.
That’s all she would have been, and not a particularly successful one at that, had she not met her God on a fateful day, the third and probably last defining moment of her many lives (unless she eventually manages to build a temple, which
looks very doubtful amazingly is now reality) thus becoming a …
…But let’s not get ahead of us, we’re not yet there in the story. For some reason Leweth had deleted the following paragraph, but I think I should do her justice and publish it. I know, I’m too kind but she’ll love me all the more fervently for this.
Of Heroines and Men
As a matter of fact, we are precisely at Leweth’s first attempt at flirting, a novel concept seemingly not involving weapons (though it does, as she belatedly realised).
Unlike her first quest this was an abject failure, which should have taught her better. Instead, undeterred, she widened the target of her attentions, resulting in an unbroken string of rejections and yet more slap-prone failures.
Currently flirting with any breathing male specimen and fully trained to practice CPR on non-breathing or unconscious ones… you never know. Also drawing-up a list of potentially attractive monsters, just in case.
Uhmmm, moving swiftly on, let’s talk about Leweth’s many virtues.
At first shy and reserved, Leweth turned brash and smug after besting (mostly by chance) a lemming at an IQ test. Loves to show off her amazing array of skills, though she yearns to meet a Master of the “Mating Contact” to fully achieve her potential. Would do anything for her friends, except giving up drinking and possibly cheating at exams (speaking of which, it is fair to say that her guild’s admission test was NOT one of her finest moments).
She considered adopting the motto (for obvious reasons), but because of spelling difficulties she opted for the simpler , ominous words now feared by all monsters except Godville Admins that actually queue to be the next to give her a hard time.
Right, as in all good books, the best is saved for last. My lacklustre heroine meets ME and becomes a lacklustre . I’m amazed by my own powers!
Leweth meets her God
Once upon a time, Leweth wasn’t the inept heroine of universal fame she is today. She was just inept. And lonely. Her potential, however, was noticed by the God Aurlord, who admittedly hadn’t been looking around much and was probably under the influence of alcohol.
“You will be My heroine” he said in his best-booming voice.
“What do you mean, ‘No’? I’m a God”
“You don’t look like one… Was expecting someone taller”
“Nonsense! Build Me a temple and you’ll never be alone again. You’ll have Us (Aurlord sometimes likes to talk in ‘Royal We’ for dramatic effect), a pet and many friends”
“What about dates?” asked Leweth, hope in her eyes
“We’ll see about that…” (lying shamelessly)
Leweth’s Most Heroic and (In)Famous Deeds
07/20/12 Was confronted by my nemesis. In truth, I expected something more dignified than a squirrel.
05/26/12 Asked a Wandering Master to upgrade my social skills. He took a look at me, sighed, and offered me a free %skill% upgrade instead.
04/30/12 Went across the river forgetting I can’t swim. Fortunately I only remembered that once I got to the other side.
04/27/12 Death was surprised to see me back so soon. He said I should work less and get a life.
04/24/12 Resurrected naked in the temple hall at the same time of %random_hero%. That was awkward!
04/08/12 Faced with the choice between listening to the full recount of my chronicles or jumping into a nearby volcano, the %monster% went for the less painful option leaving %artifact% behind.
03/31/12 Trying to single-handedly outnumber the enemy…
03/30/12 My life insurance asked me whether my latest death should qualify as “accidental” or “work-related”.
03/29/12 Saw a %monster% hovering a few feet from the ground. Not sure if that’s a new species or just a graphics glitch.
03/28/12 A wise man told me that I’m proof gods like a good joke. I politely laughed, but didn’t get it.
03/16/12 Tried reverse psychology on the %monster%. Now it thinks he’s an hero and I’m a monster, but we’re still fighting as a result.
03/09/12 Climbed a large tree to see what’s over the horizon. A lot of leaves, apparently.
03/08/12 As I walked by the graveyard the ground suddenly burst open and a sinister hand crawled out of the earth. Thought it was a zombie rising but turns out it was just %random_friend% being resurrected.
03/06/12 Boldly grabbed a bull by the horns. Now desperately holding on to them awaiting rescue.
03/04/12 Sharing ghost stories with other dead heroes…
03/03/12 Sharpened my bow and oiled my sword. Somehow this doesn’t appear to have produced noticeable improvements.
03/01/12 The Town Mayor asked for a volunteer to boldly step forward to %quest%. I didn’t move but all other heroes made a swift step back. Cowards!
02/29/12 Sensed a weakening in the merchant’s daughter slap in response to my dating proposal. Either she’s ill or my perseverance is finally paying off.
02/28/12 As I was getting the worst of the fight, %hero_friend% burst into the scene, completely missed the monster, careened against the nearest tree, was attacked by a flock of angry birds and finally fell into a clearly marked trap. The monster laughed its head off, literally, and collapsed. It’s good to have such resourceful friends!
02/23/12 Dug a deep trap for unsuspecting monsters, but it’s quickly filling up with angry heroes. Perhaps setting it in the middle of the road wasn’t such a good idea.
02/19/12 Observed earlier some villagers going to work. Gosh, I really don’t envy those who have a repetitive job, same tasks day after day on end… Hey, hold on, another %monster%!
02/06/12 A wise man told me that a true hero should rely on his wits rather than brute force… but then again that’s why there are no true heroes left.
02/03/12 Planned to follow the stars but then realised the trail of beer bottles was a much quicker way to get to the tavern.
01/30/12 If I’d known bars closed this early in the Afterlife I would have put up a more determined fight.
01/24/12 Tried to get lost, for a change. Succeeded spectacularly!
01/11/12 Followed my dreams. Got lost as usual.
12/28/11 As my soul was leaving my body, I saw a luminous sign saying: “Closed for renovations. Please go back and pretend you had a Near-Death experience”.
12/24/11 A wise man told me that any deep crisis is an opportunity to make life extraordinary in some way. That may well be, but if you don’t help me now against %monster%, Almighty, my life will just be extraordinarily short.
12/22/11 Tried every trick in the book. Either it wasn’t a very good book or %monster% has read it as well.
12/20/11 Thinking of a plausible alibi…
12/17/11 Told %monster% it’d have to pass over my dead body. In retrospect, not my best idea.
12/10/11 Had to reassure the village idiot I wasn’t trying to take his place.
12/03/11 Found a golden brick… and another… and another… and a very angry temple owner, darn!
11/16/11 As I was performing CPR upon a dead hero his God suddenly resurrected him. Mistaking that for a miracle, the awed townsfolk donated me %xxx% gold coins.
11/10/11 %Hero friend% told me that the best way to avoid a post-binge hangover is to never stop drinking. Genius! Should have thought of that myself.
11/09/11 Almighty, I know you created beer to test my discipline… what I don’t understand is why you made it so expensive!
11/06/11 Searching the path to Enlightment. So far I seem to stumble mostly upon dimly-lit taverns.
10/28/11 Stabbed myself to prove %monster% who’s tougher. We both fainted at the sight of blood.
10/20/11 Having second thoughts… This is a first!
10/18/11 Thanked the Almighty for all the little things in life… and for the earth-shattering meteorite that crushed the monster.
10/17/11 The healer had a look at my wounds, made a quick mental calculation, then declared it would be cheaper for me to die and resurrect.
10/14/11 Trying to impress the monster by showing the scars from previous duels.
10/09/11 Stumbled upon the smouldering remains of a fellow hero. Fiery letters scorched the sky: “That was a misfire. Apologies for any inconvenience this may cause you!”
10/08/11 Considered outsmarting %monster% but decided that outdistancing it was far easier.
10/07/11 Found a sign reading: “You are here”. Uncanny! How did they know?
10/06/11 A fortune teller warned me that a fool and his money are easily parted. Gosh! I’m grateful for the advice and it only cost me %xx% coins.
09/12/11 Was late to my funeral as I got resurrected only minutes before.
09/11/11 Wanted to buy a smart weapon but the trader warned it would be incompatible.
09/10/11 Stumbled upon a long-dead hero clutching an ancient-looking scroll that read: “Your Ideabox entries will be processed shortly”. Weird!
09/08/11 Lost track of time, but carefully checking for footprints.
09/06/11 A wandering monk asked me if I’d consider polytheism. Before I could answer, I was scalded by a thunderbolt. I take that as a ‘No’, Almighty.
09/04/11 A meteor fell nearby, crushing the monster that barred my path. Incandescent letters gleamed on its surface: “No need to thank. It should’ve been you!”
09/03/11 Finished off the monster with a spectacular combination. The audience was so pleased that I was asked to replay it in slow-motion.
09/02/11 Recited my chronicles to a captivated audience… Well, captive, to be precise.
09/01/11 Running out of ideas… Not that anyone will notice.
08/31/11 Looked into a mirror. My reflection cowered in fear.
08/30/11 Checked my moral compass. It’s definitely pointing the wrong way.
08/28/11 I wonder whether the Guild Master will ever find out who emptied the guild’s cellars… better quickly finish the last bottle.
08/26/11 A titanic monster confronted me saying that he had come to fight the best heroine. As I steeled myself for the duel it asked if I knew where it could find her.
08/25/11 Gathered my wits. Took only a moment.
08/24/11 Almighty, when you made a world full of monsters, were you being cruel or just completely drunk?
08/23/11 Licking my wounds and finding them strangely tasty…
08/22/11 Got struck by lightning. No harm done, except now I’m glowing in the dark.
08/20/11 Performed a crash test. Judging by my bruises, I didn’t pass.
08/17/11 I woke up this morning and found a crashed meteor by my campfire. Was that a near-miss or a close-save, Almighty?
08/14/11 Made a mental note but forgot where I put it.
08/13/11 They say carnivorous plants lure their preys with irresistible scents. That’s absurd! Oh, look at that strange flower, do I smell beer?
08/12/11 Stalked a fellow hero to ambush him at the entrance of the arena. Unfortunately he was just heading to the restroom…
08/11/11 Was abducted by aliens looking for intelligent life forms. Promptly sent back.
08/09/11 Joined a Crusade against stupidity, but was accused of being a double-agent.
07/31/11 Last night was so cold that the flames of my campfire are still defrosting.
07/29/11 Heroically rode out of town into the sunset. Then it got dark and got hoplessly lost.
07/18/11 Knelt beside a dying hero. His last words still ring in my ears: “See you later!”.
07/16/11 Found the Truth, a barrel of beer and the Meaning of Life. Unfortunately I could only carry the beer…
07/14/11 A vet told me that it’s good that stupidity isn’t contagious or he’d have to put me down.
07/12/11 Had a reality check. The results were distinctly weird.
07/11/11 Looted treasure; check! Slain Princess; check! Rescued dragon; check… Uh! Uh! There might have been a small confusion there…
07/10/11 Felt lucky. Threw a coin in the well. Got fined for littering.
07/08/11 Getting negative vibes from the monster…
07/06/11 Setting new standards in artificial stupidity…
06/27/11 A sign reading “Free Beer!” points straight to the monster lair. Cool! This surely is far too obvious to be a trap.
06/19/11 Fighting with a hand tied behind my back to earn extra xp points…
06/14/11 As I was about to storm the forbidding gates of the evil Dungeon Master, I found a sign that read: “Out for lunch. Apologies for any inconvenience this may cause.” Darn!
06/05/11 The healer told me that if I keep suffering such blows my vital organs may be damaged. Luckily the last one struck my head…
06/02/11 The undertaker asked me if I can refrain from resurrecting during business hours as last time I scared the wits out of the procession to a funeral.
05/28/11 Saw another hero using the pointy bit of the sword to stab monsters rather than the hilt to clobber them. Must try that.
05/27/11 Making slow progress in the wrong direction…
05/21/11 Live by the sword, die by the s… Actually, on second thought, I’d rather just live!
05/18/11 Having a friendly game of chess with Death while awaiting resurrection…
05/14/11 Bathed in the Fountain of Youth to get back some of the precious lost things of my past. For the moment I’ve only got acne though.
05/01/11 Emotionally stood in front of my slow-growing temple and cried… The thought of all the beers I could have had with all those bricks was overwhelming.
04/09/11 Dropped a coin into a well wishing for luck. Eventually the same coin fell from the sky hitting me on the head, with an accompanying note that read: “Good luck!”. Weird!
04/05/11 Just realised my weapon works much better if I take it out of its scabbard.
03/31/11 Found a sword stuck in a rock. Odd! I really can’t understand Modern Art.
03/15/11 Got a V.I.P./R.I.P. card from Death. It reads: “Since you already know your way around, make yourself comfortable”.
03/10/11 Walked to the End of the World and had a look at the scene… it’s overrated!
03/08/11 Went to a fortune teller to find out if I will be lucky in my life. “In which one?” she asked.
03/05/11 Tried to join a Crusade against stupidity. Unfortunately they couldn’t tell whether I was friend or foe…
03/02/11 Passed by a smouldering town. I swear Almighty, I have nothing to do with that… this time at least.
02/26/11 Got tangled in my thoughts! Awaiting rescue…
02/24/11 A wise man told me not to worry about being viciously evil or righteously good, as I am just neutrally stupid
02/21/11 Drawing a map of Godville as I am sick of trying to find the right path by various impractical means
02/16/11 Scanning the Pantheons’ ranks to select a suitably inept opponent…
02/14/11 Pondering my options beside a sign that reads: “If you think you’re having a bad day so far, wait until you get to the next milestone…”
02/08/11 Awoke this morning in a skimpy nurse outfit hugging a troll, who was wearing a pair of stockings and a pink feathered boa around its head. A long embarrassed silence followed, then we swore never, EVER, to mention this again…
02/04/11 Almighty, I have a date tonight. Could you resurrect me by 6pm so that I can get ready?
01/31/11 Went down the less travelled path, only to discover there’s a reason why it is so. It’s a bloody dead end!
01/30/11 Went to the healer and asked if he could stitch me up. He had a look at me and said he wasn’t good at jigsaws…
01/29/11 The Cardinal told me I am an embarassment for our guild as it is hard to tell where my stupidity ends and my incompetence begins. Luckily we are still short of members…
01/24/11 I stand at the entrance of a dark cave, covered in huge spiderwebs and littered with dead bodies. I don’t know why but I have a bad feeling about this…
20/01/11 Kissed my reflection in the water. It wasn’t very satisfying but at least it didn’t slap me back as usual…
12/01/11 A wandering prophet told me the END is nigh. I laughed, walked on and bumped into a mysterious sign: “THE END”. In finer print a note read “I told you, imbecile!”
09/01/11 Checked the compass I bought yesterday and realised must have been cheated by the trader; the needle seems to be stuck always pointing the same direction.
05/01/11 Finally met my dream date … then I woke up!
31/12/10 Found the fabled Lost Treasure of Atlantis but forgot where I hid it … guess it’s lost again, darn!
28/12/10 Bought a millionare lottery ticket. It’s been used only once and got it at half price. A bargain!
25/12/10 I forgot again whether I am right or left-handed, so I had to march into battle with two shields and no weapons. Sometimes it’s difficult to be me …
18/12/10 Found the meaning of Life, but traded it for a couple of beers.
A great thanks from Leweth to all who support her in her often embarrassing (but never dull) adventures!