Hey you, I’m Functiono..something or other…can’t quite remember, can’t hardly even pronounce it n its been mine since birth. What the hell, I don’t really get to talk to too many people who really give a crap bout what I do or don’t say. Unless of course, I’m offering to buy the next round, then they act like we’ve been best buds for years. Makes me laugh silently to myself on such occasions. I’ve only just recently traveled to this land in search of somejthing….um…better I guess that’s an easy way of putting it. I was a sucked up, scrawny ass, greasy long haired, geeky pot head back where I come from (which, trust me, is a very long ways from here.)
One morning on my way to my girlfriends house, I saw this piece of paper stuck to the broken down wall of an empty, run down building. It appeared to have some kind of writing on it, but, it didn’t seem familiar to me, but, curiosity drove me to check it out anyways. At first I couldn’t make any of it out seeing as how it wasn’t in English n it didn’t look like any kind of language I’d ever seen before. But then after about a minute, my eyes started burning so bad I felt like gouging them out of their sockets. I howled in pain n pleaded for it to stop. Then as suddenly as it had started, the pain was gone and I could now understand what was written on the sheet of paper. It was an invite to become a real hero in a place called Godville. The name alone sold me right then n there. If it’s something that goes against the god that the people where I’m from follow like brainless cattle, I’m in. Plus, I’ve always loved rpg games n fantisized that I could transport myself to a mythological place n battle, find amazing treasure n incredible items n wear magical armor n weapons.
The bottom of the paper had directions on where to go to begin my new n completely kick ass life.
When I reached my destination, was a small structure with no windows or as far as I could tell even a door. As I was examining the building, a cold n bony hand grabbed me at the wrist n pulled me inside.“Wtf..? How..what..how in the hell is this place so damn huge in here n looks like a porta-a-potty on the outside?” The strange looking dude..or chick..I’m not quite sure on that right now folks. Sorry. Anyways, the very unique looking individual smiled a black toothed grin in my direction n in the most bizarre n annoying voice I’ve ever heard says to me, “it’s all of what you wanted it to be, you little human bastard.” He/she..it..explains to me that in order for me to cross over into your world, I must first drain two pints of my blood out into a large vessel made out of decomposing flesh, sign a waiver stating I’m traveling to Godville of my own freewill n will not under any circumstances try n sue Godville for any damage I may incur while chillin in their realm, n that I must take the pills that Jovanse, (that must be its name.) Is bout to hand me.
Don’t get me wrong here, I love blood n yes at times, human flesh, but c’mon, two pints? So, I asked Jovanse if he would be so inclined as to kindly allow me to take the pills first, in hopes they would relax me so I could complete my tasks. He wouldn’t allow it…at first..Hahaha..but, after a little human ingenuity, I convinced him to give in.
Almost instantaneously I had a killer flippin buzz growin on, (yes, growin is correct) n dude, this was amazing. I was feeling awsome, so I started the bloodletting process. It took bout n hr n I was done, now alls that’s left is to sign that waiver, in my own blood. This is so cool.
its been awhile hasn’t it. since I last chronicled my adventures, I’ve been busy.
I joined with a group of villainous pirates help bent on dominating godville. mour captain was the infamous captain bob gonads.(gonads here ain’t the same on earth) so I’m the only one who laughs when his name is spoken. how scary is a dude named bob gonads? Pirate or not. we traveled the deep blue waters around godville. we pillage, destroyed, gained treasure by the mounds full.. I learned how to use a sword n aim a flintlock pistol. I killed many an innocent man, even a cup bad guys here n there. after a few weeks me n the first mate jonesy started to disagree bout everything. c he wanted me to share his bunk on Saturday nights n I completely disagreed n things ain’t been righ. so when we reached our next port, lands death bay, I told captain gonads that my voice was telling me to travel the land for a while in search of a companion. he laughed, punched me in the nose with his one good hand, kicked me in both knees, n refused to give me my share of our bounty, cept for one lone gold coin. thanx dude. just before I go captain ur name translates in men’s testicles, u ballsac.
Alone I walk, broke, hungry, thirsty, n in need of some sleep. I lay down upon a grassy mound under a tree n when I awoke this hairy beast with foam falling from its mouth was landing on my face. Day nasty little dude. We wrestled round n I tag him. He gave me a look that said I’m lonely too. He then became Rex, my rocky racoon.
Rex n me, we had some good times. I loved his thieving abilities best, unless he was stealing from me of course. He had this special way of healing me too. The best thing bout Rex was having him to talk too. He was such a good listener n he never cut me off. There were a couple of times he tried to argue with me n he probly made some good points, so I would just nod in agreement. I just didn’t have it in me to tell him I had absolutely not a single clue as to what he was saying. All I could hear was “Blah blah waa wa waa blahzity blah.” It woulda broke his little racoon heart. I sadly refer to Rex in the past tense cuz some fat ass McDonald’s eating monster fell on top of him n killed him. N damn it, I can’t resurrect him.
I want rex to b known to all n share just how cool Rex really was.
After Rex n I became pals, we found a group of chiropractor’s who had come together to seek out the village of Giant Midgets n convince them that giving the chiropractors permission to build a clinic n move permanetly into their village, was goin to b thye best thing they ever did for themselves n all the new generations of Giant Midgets.
I was waiting anxiously for him to continue n when he didn’t I asked, “What the hell dude? Ain’t u gonna tell them y you guys r there? N I wanna hear y u guys want to do this too…so keep talking buddy.”
He smiles a smile that I understood to say, “Haha sucker. I got u. To take that bite n now I got u where I want u.” Damn, I’m such a retread. Fell right into his trap.
He continues his story, he says, " Giant Midgets have a genetic defect that is in their DNA n not one has ever been born without it n there has only been 2 known cases of a G.M. living past the age of 40. This defect causes a lot of skeletal issurs, like y their legs begin to bow when they r bout 20yrs old, n I’m sure uv noticed how thick their necks r n that their body turns with their heads netime they look in another direction…right?"
“Ya I have noticed that now that uv mentioned it,” I relpy. “So…?”
He goes on, “They die so young n in such pain for so many years due to this defect. We have collectivelly come up with a treatment plan that we’re convinced will b nothing short of a miracle for these folks,” He is looking all weird to me n I say
Look who’s not smart now…Nah Nah na Nah! We quickly left this group of spun duckies behind us n continued on.
As we walked away, I began to feel very guilty bout how I had treated those folks who only wanted to help those in need.
There was this strange little village put directly in the middle of the road. I was trying to figure out how it got there, n who put it there, when a bizzare looking giabnt midget approached us. His little/big arms were outstretched n I think he was planning on hugging me. I hate hugs! N I really don’t like hugs from ugly mutants. N this dude is uber bufugly. Looks like a 3yr old tried to perform surgery on his face. I feel sad for him cuz I’m so damn good looking n his ugly ass is not. Sorry little buddy.
Anyways, kroduk, that’s his name, asks if I’d be willing to lead him n a couple friends through the ass coming up ahead. He says this mountain range is full monsters n bad heroe n that they wouldn’t stand a chance on their own.
We sit down n get ready to eat..where’s the food at damn it? I begin to c some shadows moving off to the left of me. Children?! “Wtf is all this kroduk?” I look all round the area both high n low, but I can only c two of the little fuckers. Kinda cute when they’re babies.
I ended up killing everyone but the baby giant midgets, I brought them with mi.e. I had decided to try n find a nice cave in the area to put them in hopes that some adults might possibly find them. I gave them half of my food n two towels to try n stay warm n then I was off.
.
11:21: I told the healer I hear voices in my head telling me to do things. For some reason he nodded knowingly and gave me some medication.
11:49: By my calculations, Great One, I’ve spent 90 percent of my money on beer. The rest I’ve absolutely wasted.
13/04/12 12:52 AM: Desperately praying and sacrificing, I made a small miracle and resurrected my pet. Sooba, I’m so glad to see you!
