Lemme just start out by saying I did not sign up for this “hero” job in the first place. My Almighty, Aalivine, went ahead and did it for me. (which I am really glad she did because I didn’t want to get off the couch)
On the run again from a unicorn, probably going to change my name, again. I’m thinking that it’s gonna be a 4-worded name… Anyway, when crossing the Godville river, an annoying griffin flew in a circle around me and asked me dumb questions like, ‘how come you don’t have wings?’ or ’what’s with the purple hair?’ When I reached the other side I told ‘em to come closer and I’ll tell him. When he started to ask more questions, I ended up slicing him to pieces with my sword. Took a griffin feather and put it in the middle of my crown braided hair. Then I dried off in the hot sun, kept on walking, and prayed to Aalivine. What a typical day!
Raided a donut shop and ended up putting the manager in a coma, but judging by his title, I think he can manage it. Also fed some geese pieces of my donut, now I have my own army of geese! Though, when I have to go to the bathroom, they just can’t seem to leave me alone.
Me and my army of geese fought an old lady for the park bench. I now realize as I sit on the bench that I didn’t even want to sit on it. Oh well…. Onward! I ran into a human sized fire breathing rat on my way to the bank. Its funny how many mythological creatures you can find roaming the streets at night! Ended up backing away from the fire breathing rat crime scene slowly in the direction of a portable bathroom. I lost my army of geese!
In My Dream:
A mysterious stranger came out from the shadows and finished off the One-Hit Wonder I was battling. He then scampered away with the trophy. Hey, get back here, you coward! Then I woke up with a monster trying to eat my legs. Apparently I look tasty in my pajamas.
Joined a group of people to talk about their life and overcoming obstacles. It was pretty boring. When it was my turn to share, I wasn’t very prepared…….for what happened afterwards. My conversation went like this:
Woman in charge: “Would you like to talk about your life or any obstacles you have overcome?” Me: “Uh, well… whatever, sure. So there is this thing I did yesterday that I really regret doing because now I lost my geese and I really want them back.” (tears are rolling down my cheek at this point in the conversation) Woman in charge: “Um, we’re sorry for your loss. Anything else?” I start sobbing out of control and in between sobs I say: “Should…my name be…..The Star Of Women….or…….Aalivine’s Servant For Good…?” At that point I looked like a total lunatic.
Something terrible!:I’ve seen something that can not be unseen. Must forget! Must forget! Must forget…
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before…
Joined the guild Blue Feather while yelling, “Ta da!” Got some quick glances and sharp axes headed my way.
I met an elf in a parking lot with a mysterious bag of loot on one shoulder and asked if I could look inside it. He said, “Over my dead body!” and that’s exactly what I did. Now I have a mysterious bag of loot! Decided to sharpen my sword on a bike rack. I got some disapproving glances headed my way. The big bag of loot started to get annoying to lug around everywhere so I traded it to a thief for a falafel. He told me, “You will get your falafel after the beep….” and walked away. My falafel never came. Oh well…
Went to another one of those things where you talk about your life and obstacles you overcame. There was another teenager like me there this time. Her name was Rain. Rain had a problem with her imaginary friend, Pablo. I was sad when I asked if I could be her friend instead of Pablo’s friend, but she said that there is no room in her only-one-person friend list. I asked her, “Can you tell me where Pablo is standing and where his heart should be?” She pointed and I stabbed…. Now we’re friends!
Darn my super awesome ability to be absolutely attractive! The unicorn found me! Unicorns, why’d it have to always be unicorns! Running, running, running, slowing down, down, down, falling, falling, falling…. Yeah, so…. I fell off a cliff. Didn’t know they had those in Herolympus. Though, it was probably the telepathic unicorn who made the cliff. But now I’m fine and riding on the back of a Pegasus with a strange horn on its head……. Anyway, now I’m far, far, away from the unicorn now – ahhhhhhhhh! Darn you telepathic unicorn!
My new motto is: When you face a telepathic unicorn, run, run, away!
Why am I doing this? I don’t want to be doing this! Ouch. My head hurts! Why can’t I move? Ouch. Wait, I can see something in the corner of my eye! Ouch. It, it looks like a, like a, like a…… Telepathic unicorn! Ouch.
I recently learned that the unicorn’s name is Sheryl. I think she doesn’t like me…. Ouch.
I slowly hit my head on a pole day after day. On July tenth, I just gave up and watched my whole life shatter into pieces. Then, I picked up one of the sharpest pieces of my life and threw it at the unicorn. Turns out the unicorn had been using telepathy on me and I never traded my big bag of loot away to a thief. I traded the big bag of loot to the telepathic unicorn. I took what was rightfully mine and the unicorn’s horn, and walked away.
Sharpened my samurai sword with the unicorn horn, then gave it away because there was nothing magical about it at all. There are times when I wonder why I chose this job, but then I remember how much I love to stab things.
Was walking past a neighborhood when I saw something strange. Told a man his refrigerator was running but only got a glance and a smile before continuing his conversation. Then I screamed, “LOOK!” and that seemed to get his attention. Then he fainted. Then I had to save the day and run in the direction of the refrigerator. The refrigerator was running so fast that I couldn’t catch up with it, so I just unplugged it and faked a wrestle with it in front of the neighbors. I was awarded with more things to add to my pile of loot: chocolate moose cake and one quarter. I sold the quarter to a dumb five-year old in the next neighborhood for two pennies. He was so dumb! Everyone knows two is more than one!
Was hungry. Ate. Was tired. Slept. Rescued a rabbit. Had a nice dinner.
The Plato’s Caveman lived happily ever after. Then I killed it. Oops…
Buried some of my looted treasure in the last place anyone would think to look. Unfortunately, that also includes myself.
Died. Ressurrected. You know, the usual.
My guild has such a good standing in this town! If only I knew which town this was… and which direction the tavern is…
A priest told me that faith moves mountains. Donated 9 gold coins I stole from a nearby hero in the hope of acquiring that skill someday. Was sunbathed in a torrent of holy light. It was good for my health, and my tan. Thx, Aalivine! Also ate a butterfly. Yum!
Passed by a billboard with the engraving ‘Los Adminos — rich folks are always welcome!’ Looks like they don’t need a hero! Off to the tavern before that eerie monster right behind me eats me! Got 25 coins for the winning kill!
Yes, I said winning kill. Sometimes I battle exploding monsters and neither of us win. You don’t need to read the crossed out words… No! Really, you don’t! Please don’t, it will bring shame to my family. What! Rude, my family is perfect! No, Almighty, YOU’RE having an imaginary conversation with your diary! (I have problems).
I ate a fortune cookie and the note inside said: “Tell others to join the “Blue Feather” guild!” I wish my goddess would stop going through my stuff. It’s an invasion of my privacy! I mean, seriously, she literally stuffed a note in my fortune cookie and flew off! That cookie was from 5 days ago! I wonder how she does it. Anyway, looked at the real note in the cookie that would determine my future, it said: Listen to your goddess! and in Chinese were words that translated to: Listen to your goddess! My lucky numbers were: Now, you, shall, and die! Died. Was I supposed to listen to my goddess?
Shh… I am just a soul… riding the breeze like a leaf… In other words, I tried praying to my goddess to ressurrect me, but it’s hard to pray with no body, and she is giving me the silent treatment, and she hung up a, “do not disturb” sign in the clouds.
Got resurrected. Almighty and I aren’t talking. Met up with Rain. Almighty electrocuted her. Was about to squash a bug. Almighty saved it. Walking towards a tavern. Almighty burned it down. We have a love hate relationship going on here.
Ways to say I’m sorry to Almighty:
Aalivine, I am really, truly, sorry. I now understand that if I don’t do everything you tell me to do, I will live a miserable life. For now on, my name will be Aalivine’s Servant For Good. I hope you can forgive me. Yo, you took away my tavern, that was a wrong move man! You wanna play? Fine, let’s play! Oh, and P.S. I am sorry (not). Okay, I get. You’re mad. It was wrong of me to disobey you and I have learned my lesson.
I decided to use this one:
- Srry. – The Star Of Women*
I wonder whether it’s a good time to pray. Well, it couldn’t hurt anyway… I hope.
We finally made up when I found a golden brick. Though, I had to ask her a question:
- Soul Supreme, you know how we each have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other? Should I be concerned that my angel has wrapped my devil with duct tape?
Hi, ma’am. This is Amaen. I’m writing in The Star of Women’s diary to let you know that I don’t believe in you.
Climbed a tree to avoid the Jabberwookie. Met Cassiopia Atlanta (an annoying “friend”) avoiding her own problems.
Joined the Floorist Knights guild. Quit after one day. Went back to the Blue Feather guild.
Got a sun dog named Pumba. Pumba almost ate me, “Bad sun dog!!!” Also grabbed a hamburger and slept in the guild’s mansion.
Pain wracks my body. I scream as golden light pours from every inch of my skin. I don’t think my clothes fit any more. Wait, was that a miracle, or did I regenerate? What do you think, Pumba, my faithful companion, does that sound like the start of a best-selling book?
I dreamed I was a young heroine again, and heard my mother say, “You’d better get your act together, because someday you’re gonna have to sweat the small stuff!” Well, she always knew best.
The Epic Flailer raised its hand for a deadly final strike against me, when Pumba suddenly threw himself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, its neck broken. Pumba was knocked out by the impact of the monster’s carcass. Oh, my Lady, if I don’t bring him back to his senses in time, he’ll lose all his levels and his will to compete!
I cried and prayed all morning, hoping to save Pumba.
Desperately praying and sacrificing, I made a small miracle and healed my pet’s heavy wounds. Pumba, I’m so glad to see you in good health!