Hero

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Matt2

level 76

Mottos are soo yesterday♘

Age 11 years 3 months
Personality neutral
Guild no guild
Monsters Killed about 213 thousand
Death Count 168
Wins / Losses 50 / 56
Temple Completed at 09/04/2012
Wood for Ark 84.2%
Savings 4M, 735k (15.8%)
Pet Grounded hog Nessie

Equipment

Weapon whoop-axe +85
Shield roll cage +86
Head happy new ear +86
Body armored tank top +88
Arms gadget arms +85
Legs legal briefs +85
Talisman sense of impending doom +86

Skills

  • powerful sneeze level 72
  • elbow bite level 67
  • clinical strike level 63
  • thumb beating level 57
  • peek-a-boo level 56
  • epitaph writing level 55
  • flying bird level 46
  • sunstroke level 40
  • rail-bending level 33
  • selfish interest level 28

Pantheons

Gratitude324
Might11379
Templehood2115
Storytelling293

Achievements

  • Honored Renegade
  • Animalist, 1st rank
  • Builder, 1st rank
  • Careerist, 1st rank
  • Favorite, 1st rank
  • Martyr, 1st rank
  • Champion, 2nd rank
  • Saint, 2nd rank
  • Shipwright, 2nd rank
  • Hunter, 3rd rank
  • Moneybag, 3rd rank

Hero's Chronicles

CHAPTER 1: The Beginning

Matt was spending some leisure time at Milliways the restaurant at the end of the universe when he had a spiritual revelation. He saw a vision of the great prophet and god Zarquon. This god told him that the ultimate answer to life the universe and everything was 42 and he must tell everyone so the god would grow more popular. Loyally he set off to do so but was beaten to it by a computer called Deep Thought. (which was strange because Deep Thought spent millions of years working this out. My guess is that Matt was simply too slow getting to the phone, which was being cleaned by an irritable telephone sanitizer. He couldn’t leave the restaurant to find another phone as his ship had been commandeered by the two-headed galactic president; Zaphod Beeblebrox. To make matters worse, nobody would lend him their mobile.)

Plagued by guilt Matt apologized to Zarquon and volunteered to serve him for the rest of his days. Zarquon accepted the apology and gave Matt his first quest. To find the holy grail. So here It is using a similar style to/ copying the style of Spode.

CHAPTER 2: To Quest, or not to Quest?

Quest 1: to find the Holy Grail.

This took several days and Matt2 was severely wounded by a rabbit with a vicious (this used to say viscous- come on 14 year old me, you were the best speller in your class just a few years ago- what went wrong?) streak a mile wide. He didn’t shower for the whole quest and smelt of more than elderberries by the end of it. Eventually he found the ‘blasted thing’ whilst ransacking a French Castle. What irritated Zarquon is that the French knights had told Matt2 that they had the Grail several times when he was passing the castle and even offered it to him once. But due to his headstrong nature and stupidity he had always refused to believe them.

After this quest Zarquon began thinking up more difficult tasks for his minion to complete. He decided that a temple would be nice, seeing as they were all the rage in his monthly catalogue, so he told Matt2 to build one. Unfortunately due to a mishearing Matt2 thought his god wanted a temple made of golden bricks when in fact all he required was a temple made of glazed bricks. This meant that Matt2 would be working for a long time.

Quest 2: Deliver some crisps to the IT-Shaman

This quest had to be done twice because the IT shaman doesn’t like ready salted crisps.

Quest 3: dot all the i’s and cross all the t’s

Zarquon set Matt2 this task because he was finding it difficult to read his diary. After the quest was completed Matt2’s handwriting didn’t seem to have improved, and Zarquon found that he was dotting the t’s and crossing the i’s.

CHAPTER 3: Guild Trouble

Matt2’s travels brought him to a bizarre land where the people all walked upside down and said G’day when they actually wanted to say ‘Hello! How are you?’ Matt (I’m going to call him Matt from now on because I am to lazy to keep typing 2, especially since I’m using an ipod to type this which means to type a number I have to press 2 buttons instead of 1. Anyway ignore me, carry on reading the chronicles, that is, if you can remember what I was talking about before I started this passage which I originally intended to be short but is increasing in size with every word that I type (deep intake of breath). if you can’t then feel free to skip back up to the open brackets so that you can remind yourself what was happening. Don’t worry. I’ll wait here for you. Promise.) found that the animals in this land all had one thing in common: they were all exceptionally and extraordinarily weird. Matt named this collection of oddities marsupials which means weird creatures in elvish.

Matt became more and more unhealthily obsessed with these animals and eventually created a guild which was dedicated to worshipping them. However other heroes and their gods failed to see these marsupials the way Matt saw them. Instead they saw them the way they actually were: odd. Thus Matt abandoned his own guild like a rat flees a sinking ship and for a while he flitted about, from guild to guild, not really becoming attached to any guild in particular. until he found his home with the Knights who say Ni.

Matt was an excited and inspired guild-member. He steadily rose through the ranks and eventually became guild-leader when the former leader; Coldwilson, went feral.

CHAPTER 4: Filler

Matt started to realize that Zarquon was reading his diary. He started to-

ooh hang on my heroes just entered a duel I’d better go check on him. p.s If you’re reading this then you should feel very honoured as it won’t be around for long.

Hey I’m back, I decided to leave the above paragraph so that you may all feel honoured. Aren’t I the nicest? plus I won the fight so I may as well use this as an opportunity to show off. But don’t go thinking that that’s my main reason because it isn’t no-siree. It’s mostly because I’m nice

Anyway where was i? Ah yes, hem hem (clearing my throat) Matt started to realize that Zarquon was reading his diary. He began taking measures to prevent him from intruding in this way. He found a loose floorboard in his room and hid the diary under it, However Zarquon found it easily because Matt forgot to replace the floorboard afterwards. Next Matt bought a massive padlock to keep his diary secure. Zarquon was angered by this, he wasn’t feeling very omnibenevolent that morning as he was suffering from insomnia so he threw lightning bolts at Matt’s head and set his hair on fire until he agreed to take the padlock off.

CHAPTER 5: The Fall and Rise of Zarquon and Matt

There came a time, not long ago, when Zarquon neglected Matt and let him wander, blindly, away from the knights. His excuses were that he was ‘too busy’ or ‘had better things to do’. When Zarquon returned it was his turn to feel guilty. However there was no bizzare role-reversal with Matt setting Zarquon a quest to make up for abandoning him. The main reason for Zarquon’s guilt is that he had never said goodbye to his beloved knights. Luckily he had already handed leadership over to the great Mortalin by that time so the knights were not left leaderless. Now that they are both back a new chapter of their lives had begun. (Although admittedly you could make a very strong case that clearly one hasn’t because this is as much as has been written.)