Mortimer stood panting. He was heavily injured, blood seeped through his faded, battered armour and trickled into scarlet puddles betraying a slow death. His weapon also appeared to be losing what can only be described as an amalgamation of various (usually internal) bodily fluids and the odd organ. This was not such an issue for Mortimer, who knew that his weapon wasn’t enchanted or ‘alive’. It was merely the fact that the Toothless Vampire had given an ‘involuntary blood and organ donation’ to his trusted companion.
The Toothless Vampire looked on in terrible terror and complete confusion as it literally saw (parts of) itself in front of itself – and it didn’t like what it was seeing. The sad and, soon to be final, philosophical thoughts of the dying monster were along the lines of this:
‘I have seen the person I have become right in front of me – look its dripping off that preys weapon, bugger. The person I became was a monster and thats why this bloody ready meal, who wasn’t supposed to fight back as much, has treated me like a skewered meat foodstuff. If only I’d……’
No omnipitent being ever found out how the last part of the sentence ended. Some have speculated that if he had finished the sentence, he would have broken the space time continuum causing all monsters to find an appropriate God and end their reign of horror. This would have meant the end for Godville. It is widely accepted that the ensuing party that would have followed the end of terror would be so long-lasting that mass liver failure would cause the apocolypse.
Luckily for Mortimer and Godville, the space time continuum was left unbroken due to Mortimer carrying out extensive surgical work to the vampire’s neck region.
As the lifeless head fell to the ground, Mortimer shouted a cry that could be heard for metres and metres.
“He who prays, slays!” Mortimer winced as he slumped forward.
“I could do with a pick me up. And a put me down. And a sleep” he said, hoping his God would hear his plea.
Suddenly, Mortimer was lifted from the ground like a childs cheap puppet. Several fluffy, white rabbits appeared from a nearby bush and started to lick him. Bemused, Mortimer watched on as all his wounds began to heal and he was bathed in an ethereal glow.
‘My God truly loves me’ thought Mortimer. I should do something to honour Him.
“Off to the tavern!!” shouted Mortimer as he rifled through the remains of the definitely dead, undead corpse for some gold and trinkets.