The Cautionary Tale of Roderick the Blind
or
How, in the kingdom of the blind, you should never trust the one eyed man when he asks you to hold his pet snake, or bathe in a tub of what your friends tell you is ‘donkey milk’
Good morrow, fellow Gods and Goddesses. May I introduce myself, I have the pleasure of being The Quantus. God of left hand turns, unfortunately wide hedgerows, and a rather gullible Hero, by the name of Roderick.
I rather omnipotently happened across Roderick about, never and always. As you know, time is a maleable construct when you’re a God. He was a happy child, often I watched him as he played catch with the local kids. He never was very good at that game. He’d just stand there, not throwing, as everyone else nearly ran out of rocks to launch in his direction. One would think he’d have been better at it, considering his older brother had played it with him from birth!
One day, and rather rudely I might add, an evil wizard called Hubert came to Roderick’s village, and declared his mastery over the secret arts of the left hand turn!
Now, normally I’d have smote him nine separate ways from Sunday, but I’d seen Roderick sneaking up behind the Wizard. Amused and interested, I held off on the godly can of whoopass I was about to open and stared intently.
Roderick walked forward, arm outstretched, taking advantage of the Wizards Hubert’s introduction speech. (He’d been talking solidly for twenty minutes now.) Gently picking up the back of the wizard’s robe, he whipped it up over his head and danced around him laughing and pointing!
“Only The Quantus can claim mastery of left hand turns!” Proclaimed Roderick.“I heard him talking about it seven days hence.”
Quite taken aback, I realised that due to some combination of my general awesomeness and the many blows to his head, Roderick had become a conduit of my thoughts! Able to hear my commands, and apparently my pick up lines from last weeks Gods of Godville social gala!
So taken aback, I was. That I didn’t notice the wizard untangle himself and raise his wand. “I cast an unbreakably unbreakable spell of blinding!” He shouted as he poked Roderick in the eyes.
Outraged I opened aforementioned can of whoopass and gave the wizard a smiting his grandkids will feel! For his bravery (or stupidity, I’m no longer sure) I blessed Roderick with a thirst for adventure, knowledge, and, well, beer it seems. Healing him that day turned out to be the first of many times I would have to save his bacon, but since then, he’s wandered Godville known to all he can tell, as Roderick the Blind herald of The Quantus.
As for the donkey milk? Well that’s a tale for a different day.