So there I was, in a full sprint, trying to escape a philosoraptor. Seems I was too stupid to get what it was saying and on account of my failure to understand, it decided it would be a great favor to common sense (and it’s stomach) to go ahead and eat me.
I ran and ran until I couldn’t run anymore, and after falling down a ravine, almost losing my head on a randomly placed bear trap and crashing against a sneaky tree (they come out of nowhere, you know), I looked behind to see that the philosoraptor followed me no more.
Because of my injuries and urgent need of a healer, I began to walk back to the nearest town by closely following a mob of injured heroes. I figured, one of them must know the way to town.
While following the mob, I notice a particular heroine. I heard her whimpering some words under her breath, with the very frequent, more clearly heard “Ni” from time to time.
I go up to her and introduced myself. Her name is Robbin Kelly, a member of the Knights who say Ni (weird folks those, saying Ni all the time). She introduced me to her pet, Pinky, a Rocky Raccoon. What a coincidence, I have one too! But when I was about to show her my pet, it was gone! Oh Sneezy, where are you?
After looking in my surroundings with the help of Robbin Kelly, I do not find Sneezy. I then decided that I should reach town, heal myself and continue the search after I’m better. I’m sad to leave like this, but I’m no use to any of us dead…
So I sadly walked with Robbin Kelly towards town. She tried comforting me, saying that maybe I left him at town and its all happy stealing foods here and there, or doing whatever happy Rocky Raccoons do. I was about to cheer up but then, a philosoraptor appeared out of nowhere.
It tore into the mob, decimating the first few low level heroes, killing them quite quickly. Poor fools tried to fight it, but were not smart enough to understand it’s philosophy, but too stupid to run away. One of them got his arms torn off, poor sod, for trying to answer the philosoraptor’s question with another exceedingly stupid question.
Suddenly, the philosoraptor glances my way. It noticed me and said: “Heraclea, we meet again!” After announcing our encounter it ran towards me. Robbin Kelly and I tried to fend it off as much as we could. But the philosoraptor might prove it was too powerful for both of our broken bodies.
I suddenly had the need to pray, and pray I did. Robbin Kelly distracted the creature as I prayed. “Oh great and powerful Syprox, it has been a while since you last helped me, could you do me a few favors? Always yours, Heraclea.”
Suddenly my elven bludgeon caught a dark god-like fire. It seems my god heard me. Happy day!
I charged with all my remaining might. And began the battle anew with the philosoraptor. I swung my bludgeon a couple of times, but it was too fast. Robbin joined me after tending to a few of her wounds. We pushed the fight, we were in control now.
Or so we thought.
The philosoraptor was only toying with us. And now had started to show its true might. It slashed at us with its claws. It bit us with its fangs. All hope seemed lost… Again.
At what I though were our final moments, the philosoraptor caught me with a tail whip and as I recovered from the blow it caught Robbin Kelly with a head butt flat on her chest, knocking her down and out, I hope she’s not dead. Though we might soon be anyways.
I knelt in defeat. And as the philosoraptor came up to me, laughing very smugly, I heard thunder and saw lightning fall down around us. I got the courage to give out one last blow. I swung my weapon fiercely. As I hit the philosoraptor on the left side of its jaw, a horizontal lightning hit it’s right temple, twisting the head and taking the philosoraptor’s jaw clean off.
It was finally over…
I went to Robbin Kelly’s side, hoping she wasn’t dead. Her pet whimpering at her side. Seems she’s not dead, but might die soon. At that moment I remembered I had my beer rations. Why didn’t I think of using these sooner? I gave Robbin Kelly a few mouthfuls and drank a few myself. We were back in business.
After tending to a few, more grievous wounds, we started to inspect the philosoraptor’s carcass for loot. It was stinky, it’s head still smoldering from the lightning blow. We poked and prodded and found a brand new bag, found a few gold coins between its toes too.
Then Pinky noticed something and started pointing at the philosoraptor’s stomach. It was wiggling. I took a sword from one of the nearby fallen heroes and gently cut the philosoraptor open. Something awful smelling and covered in a viscous material rolled out. Thinking it was loot, we went to a nearby river to wash it.
It wasn’t loot…
“There you are Sneezy! I missed you!”