Here lies a collection of short stories which chronicle past events in my minion, sorry lovingly devoted hero Notsosuperman’s…ahem, ‘eventful’ life. The most recent is at the top. I hope you enjoy them, Supersneaky =]
Notsosuperman is a lover, not a fighter…
“Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!” The crowd chanted in unison. Notsosuperman, stood with his foot firmly planted on the chest of his exhausted opponent. He looked around at the arena stands. Nodding, he drew back his weapon. The crowd fell silent, each onlooker waiting with baited breath. His opponent made a short prayer to his God before shutting his eyes tight. “Hoooaaaahhh!” Notsosuperman cried as he brought his weapon crashing down through the air.
Notsosuperman watched as his opponent gingerly opened his left eye to glance at the weapon imbedded in the ground next to his head. His opponent gulped hard as he wondered what terrible pain this hero was to inflict upon him. Notsosuperman bent down to look his opponent in the eyes. “This is for Supersneaky,” he whispered. “Get it over with already!” The opponent cried in fear. Notsosuperman’s eyes narrowed as he prepared to deliver the final blow. He raised his hand…
...and flicked his opponent in the middle of his forehead. A claxon sounded and the commentator announced, “That’s it! Victory!! Notsosuperman wins by way of K.O!”
The crowd simultaneously sighed in frustration. “You pansy! Why didn’t you finish him!?” An angry onlooker yelled. Notsosuperman took off his helmet and declared, “I am a lover, not a fighter!...well, I’m a fighter but…I am not a murderer! Well…I murder monsters, but that’s different…” He cleared his throat as the protestor quizzically stared at him, ”...my point is…I won this fight, quite easily I might add considering my opponent’s arena record…thus, I have won the right…to BEER!! The first round is on me, to the tavern!!!” Notsosuperman’s friends whooped and cheered as they followed him back to town.
Notsosuperman visits the pet cemetery…
Here lieth Scrat, aged 57 and a half days. A rocky raccoon who was neat, chunky, lucky, but above all a dear friend to his owner Notsosuperman. He could not have asked for a better first pet. You will never EVER be forgotten. =]
“Oh Scrat you were so young! Why, Supersneaky!? WHYYY!??” Notsosuperman cried as he collapsed to the ground. A tiny dust bunny observed him before quietly sitting down beside him and bowing it’s head. Notsosuperman carefully placed a vase of flowers beside the grave and prayed.
After a few minutes of respectful silence Notsosuperman sniffed loudly and stood up. “Come, Toto. We need to see Dogmeat.” The little dust bunny nodded and hopped obediently beside him.
Here lieth Dogmeat, aged 20 (ish) days. A dust bunny known for being brutal, wild, and shaggy, always thirsty for enemy blood …and sometimes his owners’. A most brave and noble steed. You give those monsters hell up there!
“So true, so true,” Notsosuperman sighed, as he placed a dog biscuit beside the grave. As they walked towards the exit Notsosuperman turned to Toto, “You know Toto, one day you will join Scrat and Dogmeat in pet heaven. Unfortunately, my luck with pets is terrible. I’ll never get the Animalist 1st rank achievement at this rate. Anyway, which plot would you like to be laid to rest in? I need to start saving for it. They’re quite expensive you know. Although much cheaper than a resurrection at a temple…”
Toto looked up at her owner wide eyed and shaking with fear. Notsosuperman smiled as he bent down and patted her gently on the head, “Don’t worry you’ve got at least 17 days left to live. Maybe 20, maybe more…although I wouldn’t bet on it, it’s more likely to be less… And you shouldn’t worry about dying, it happens to the best of us. I’ve died 19 times! It hurts…a lot, but you soon get used to it. Unless of course, you don’t get resurrected. Then you end up in pet heaven. Never to be seen again…”
Toto managed to gasp a little “Eek!,” before she promptly fainted.
Notsosuperman poured a little water from his flask onto Toto’s forehead. As she came round he shook his head, “Toto you can’t sleep here, it’s disrespectful. Wait ‘til we stop at Los Adminos.”
Toto slowly sat up. “Hey…what d’you think about plot 58, Toto? The one next to the big apple tree over there.” Toto shakily stood up and frowned at her owner. “That’s a really nice plot you know,” Notsosuperman continued, “Supersneaky suggested I put Scrat near there, but he hated apples. You can’t eat one without an arrow or two flying past your head.”
Toto blinked bemused. “Yes plot 58 is perfect for you Toto. Hey, I’ve just thought, you’ll have plenty of time to sleep when you’re there, eh!?” Notsosuperman chuckled to himself at his seemingly harmless joke. Toto fainted once again. Notsosuperman turned to see his pet flat out on the ground. “Toto?...Toto?...Toto! Don’t die now Toto! I’ve only got 4 coins left from the gathering at the bar last night! Toto! TOTOOOOO!!!”
Supersneaky rolled her eyes as she watched from above as Notsosuperman tried to give Toto CPR.
(Note: Toto died not long after this event unfortunately, Supersneaky rest her little dusty soul, through no fault of Notsosuperman so he says. Since then Notsosuperman has acquired Iago, a fearsome bipolar Bear, who lived 40 days, and then died at the hands of a terrible monster (I cannot remember what type of monster but trust me it was a bad one). And most recently Stitch, another bipolar bear, who is quite shaggy, and still young as pets go…)
Notsosuperman gets a promotion…
“Today is the day! Wake up Scrat! Today is THE day!” Scrat lazily opened one eye to see what all the fuss was about. As Notsosuperman stood beaming at him, he rolled his eyes and went back to sleep. Notsosuperman, too excited to care about Scrat’s lack of sleep, (due to Notsosuperman practicing his street magic skill ALL night), hurried to gather up his things before roughly grabbing Scrat around his middle.
“Hello, Notsosuperman!” A polite heroine called after him as he rushed past her. “Sorry Altina I can’t stop, TODAY is the dayyyyyyy!.....” Altina shook her head as he continued to sprint up the path, “It’s just Tuesday…”
They stood outside The Ankh-Morpork City Watch Guild Headquarters, staring at the grand entrance doors. Notsosuperman placed Scrat gently on the floor beside him. “This is it mighty Scrat. From this day forward I will be a seasoned, and well respected member of the Watch! Never in all my life have I felt such massive achievement….except maybe that time when I gained 4 bricks in the space of half an hour, Supersneaky was so proud… Anyway…here goes.” He nodded and smiled at his pet, before bursting through the guild doors.
“My fellow guild members TODAY is the day! Today I, have been promoted, to…ADVISOR!!” he bellowed. The busy lobby full of guild members made a small polite cheer for him…and then…went straight back to work. Notsosuperman beamed at Scrat, “I bet they’re planning a surprise party for me! Come on, let’s find out where they’ve hidden the cake!” Scrat shook his head at his clueless owner as he trotted faithfully behind him.
Notsosuperman’s 10th Resurrection…
Notsosuperman lay in the middle of a lush green field, motionless, staring up at the bright blue sky. He sighed as he waited for the arrival of his Goddess. As he squinted in the bright sunlight, he noticed a strange looking bird flying ever closer towards him.
“Is that a bird? Or a plane? No it’s LisaAlexandra,” he thought to himself. She waved as she gracefully flew past. Notsosuperman tried to wave back…but then he remembered he was dead. He sighed in frustration again, as he lay unable to move.
Just then Supersneaky arrived in a blinding flash of light beside him. “Sorry I took so long! I had some important business to attend to,” she said as she quickly brought Notsosuperman back to life.
“What’s more important than me!?” He asked as he stood up and wiggled his fingers and toes.
“I have to earn a living you know, it’s not all fun and games in my world.”
Notsosuperman scratched his head before saying, “What, you don’t go on quests and smite monsters in your world?”
“You mean waste precious time, and money, doing completely pointless activities like some sort of…of…fool?”
Notsosuperman nodded enthusiastically, “Yes!”
“No…that’s what I made you for. You can do that all for me.” She said before waving politely and disappearing in another flash of light. Notsosuperman smiled as he thought about how kind and important his Goddess is.
Notsosuperman’s first pet…
One day while Notsosuperman was shopping in Godville he came across a flashing ten foot sign. Free Pets For Heroes This Way! it said. Notsosuperman slung his bag full of new armour onto his back and followed the directions at the bottom of the sign.
After following many brightly coloured arrows around the town for almost two hours, he finally reached a small hut sitting at the foot of a mountain. As he approached an old dwarfish elven man came out to greet him. ”Can I help you young man?” the man asked.
“Um, do you know where I can find the free pets?” Notsosuperman asked.
The old man shook his head, “I’m afraid I have no more left. I just gave the last one away. It was a lovely fire fox as well. Shame, if you’d arrived just two minutes earlier it would have been yours!”
Notsosuperman slapped his knee, “Darn it! I knew I should have resisted stopping at Godtucky Fried Chicken! What am I going to do now? My God has been on at me to get a pet for days now!”
The old man smiled, “I know somewhere else you can get a free pet!”
“Really!? Where?”
The old man turned and pointed to the mountain, “Up there, there are thousands of Rocky Raccoons up there.”
Notsosuperman looked up at the mountain, his eyes widening to the size of dinner plates. The mountain was made from huge black smoking ragged rocks.
“They’re hard to catch, but if you manage to get one, you won’t find a more untrustworthy, thieving pet elsewhere.”
Notsosuperman thanked the old man and then started towards the mountain. He yelped as he entered the dark woods below when he heard a high pitched scream from the top of the mountain.
After 10 straight hours of searching the mountain for a Rocky Raccoon Notsosuperman gave up. He threw his bag down on the ground and slumped onto a rock to catch his breath. “Silly old man. He said there were thousands of Rocky Raccoon’s up here. How come I haven’t even seen ONE yet!?” He moaned.
Suddenly something small but heavy jumped from the tree above him onto his lap. He looked down and saw a strange fluffy ring tailed animal with round black marks round its eyes. It looked up at him and smiled. “Shoo strange creature!” Notsosuperman exclaimed as he pushed it off his lap. The creature frowned and sat by his feet looking up at him. Notsosuperman huffed and stood up, “I have no time for you strange woodland creature! I am trying to find a Rocky Raccoon! So, unless you know where I can find one, I suggest you get out of my way!”
As he walked away from the creature he felt a sudden strong electric shock on his shoulder.”Ouch! Oh Great One what was that for!?” He cried as he looked up at the sky while rubbing his shoulder. The voice of Supersneaky boomed from the sky, “I have asked you a million times to find a pet, and now you have one right in front of you, you walk away! Are you serious!?”
Notsosuperman frowned, “Where, where?!” He said as he spun around looking for the pet. When he turned in the right direction Supersneaky shocked him. He stopped to look at the strange creature he met before.”That’s not a pet, its a strange woodland creature!”
“It is a ROCKY RACCOON!!” Supersneaky yelled.
“Oh…” Notsosuperman replied, ”...okay.” Supersneaky rolled her eyes. ”Hello little Rocky Raccoon. Will you be my pet?” The creature pondered him for a moment, and then ran off.”Wait!” Notsosuperman called after it, “I’m sorry about our meeting before. I didn’t mean it!”
He chased after the Rocky Raccoon for the best part of three hours, before it gave into him. As he collapsed next to it the Racoon playfully nipped his ear. ”Hey! Don’t do that little Rocky Raccoon. I have a previous bite injury on my right ear, from an arena battle, I don’t want to aggravate it.” The Racoon looked at him puzzled. ”Never mind. Anyway, you need a name, I can’t keep calling you Rocky Raccoon. How about…Roger?” The Raccoon bared its teeth. ”Alistair?” The Racoon growled. “Okay…umm…hang on a minute, I need to scrat….” The Raccoon suddenly jumped up and down cheerfully. “That’s better, just needed to scratch my nose.” The Raccoon started to make squeaking noises while jumping again happily. Notsosuperman frowned, “Wait..you want to be called Scratch…Scrat…?” The Raccoon leaped into his arms. Notsosuperman cheered, “Scrat, it is! Finally I have a pet, my Rocky Raccoon, Scrat!”
Scrat posing for the camera =D
Notsosuperman and the pearly gates…
As Notsosuperman opened his eyes he winced at the bright light. He yawned and stretched as he sat up. He looked around him and wondered where he was. The last thing he could remember was being in a serious skirmish with a gang of Bipolar bears. He couldn’t remember who won, or more importantly what happened after that event. As he scratched his head he heard shuffling behind him.
“Hello Notsosuperman,” Supersneaky said as she came to stand beside him.
“Uh..hi Almighty One. What are you doing here?...Actually no, what am I doing here?...Wait….where is HERE?” Notsosuperman stammered.
“You don’t remember what happened?” Supersneaky asked as she sat down beside him.
Notsosuperman shook his head, “One minute I was on my way to Trollbridge, then I was ambushed by a pack of monsters, and then I was waking up right here…but I don’t remember feeling tired at all…”
Supersneaky facepalmed, “You didn’t fall asleep dummy. You died.”
“What!? I’m dead!?”
Supersneaky nodded, ”’fraid so.”
Notsosuperman started to panic, “But I can’t be dead! Not yet! I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to my parents! I didn’t get to master level with my guild yet! I…”
“Calm down, It’s okay.”
Notsosuperman started to sob into his hands, “No it’s not okay…I’m never going to get a girlfriend now…”
Supersneaky tutted, “Look you’re not dead dead, you’re just…whatever, my point is I can resurrect you.”
Notsosuperman blew his nose, ” You can do that?”
Supersneaky smiled, “Yup, one of the perks of the job. When d’you want to go back?”
“Are those Bipolar bears still at the entrance to the wood on the east side of Trollbridge?” Notsosuperman asked.
Supersneaky paused for a moment, “Yes, they’re having a barbecue…”
Notsosuperman gulped and smiled faintly, “I’ll give it an hour.”
Notsosuperman and his first arena battle…
Notsosuperman drew out a long breath. He prayed to the good God Supersneaky one last time before slamming shut the visor on his Master Chief’s helmet. “Be strong, be brave, Hooah!” he quietly encouraged himself.
The iron bars slowly began to rise. He picked up his weapon and walked towards the center of the arena, determination burning in his eyes. He glanced around at the hundreds of Godville inhabitants cheering him. A group of fangirls from his hometown clutched banners emblazoned with We <3 Notsosuperman! and Marry me Notsosuperman! He raised his weapon with pride, "Hooah!" he roared, before spotting his parents waving frantically in the crowd. "That's my baby!" his mother screamed. Notsosuperman felt his cheeks burn, as he waved meekly in return. Suddenly the crowd started to boo. He turned to the other side of the arena.
Notsosuperman nearly dropped his weapon. At the other side of the arena a tall, filthy, hench, evil looking hero was growling at the crowd. Notsosuperman closed his eyes. “Supersneaky if you’re really up there please help me. Please help me vanquish this…this….thing of pure evil.”
Suddenly he heard a voice booming in his head. “Notsosuperman if you ever doubt me again I will shock you with ten thousand volts of electricity!”
Notsosuperman whispered, “Sorry!”
Supersneaky continued, “I have guided you, trained you, you are ready for this young hero. I have provided you with all the skills, all the tools that you need to succeed. Believe in me and you are sure to triumph!”
“But, he’s much bigger than me!” Notsosuperman exclaimed as he observed the enemy kicking puppies into the crowd. “I don’t think I can do this on my own! Can’t you give me a tiny bit of your magic or something?.....My Lady?.....Great One?....” He was met by silence.
Notsosuperman swallowed hard and faced his enemy who was now towering over him, sneering. He gripped his weapon tightly. “I believe in you Supersneaky! I will smite this evil being in Your name! Hooah!” He raised his weapon to strike his opponent…...........................................................................
Notsosuperman sat up on the floor dazed. Supersneaky was standing with her arms crossed in front of him.
“What happened?” he asked groggily while rubbing his jaw.
Supersneaky sighed, “I told you to believe in me…”
“I did! I mean, I do believe in you Great One!” Notsosuperman exclaimed.
Supersneaky huffed and threw his helmet for him to catch. He missed and frowned, “So did I win?”
“No! After you finished your little speech the enemy promptly smacked you around the ear and you got knocked out!”
Notsosuperman looked down at his helmet and scowled, “Darn that trader! He told me this helmet was sure to protect me from knockouts! He swore it! You wait ‘til I get back to Beerburgh, I’m going to….to….actually Almighty One d’you think you could shock him for me?”
Supersneaky rolled her eyes before disappearing in a flash of light.
“Wait, what about the trader, Supersneaky?!” He shouted. Suddenly he felt a spark of electricity on his forearm. “Okay, well maybe you could help me get a refund?” Another spark, more painful this time. “Ouch! Okay, okay I get the picture!”
Notsosuperman stood up and moodily brushed the sand off his armour. He muttered something about the trader as he picked up his helmet, and then flinched, expecting Supersneaky to warn him again. When she didn’t, he looked up at the sky and smiled. Supersneaky looked down upon him and smiled back, before promptly shocking him again.
The defective helmet ...later found out to be made of something called “lego”
Notsosuperman and the day he met his maker…
From the age of 2 hours old Notsosuperman knew he was destined for something. Something big, something spectacular, but he never knew what it was. He spent many many days searching (well about six), but it wasn’t until he was in his last year of hero school that he realised what he was destined for.
One night while training for his blackredblack belt at Anville Hero High he was struck by a blinding flash of light. He fell backwards while trying to shield his eyes. The sapient pearwood club he was wielding clattered across the floor. When he opened his eyes he saw a heavenly being stood before him.
“I am Supersneaky! The Goddess of all that is super…and er…sneaky,” it said as it held out a hand to help Notsosuperman up off the floor.
“W..w..what do you want from me?” Notsosuperman stammered as he shakily got to his feet.
The being smiled at him, “Young hero you are destined, destined for awesome, magnificent, SUPER things!”
“But…I’m Notsosup….,” he frowned.
“I know, I know, your parents were not aware of your destiny when they named you, but trust me. You are to become one of the most super heroes that has ever graced Godville!”
“Are you sure?” Notsosuperman could not believe it. His parents had always told him to stay in hero school, join their local guild, and live a good life. He never expected anything like this to happen.
The being sighed in frustration, “Yes I’m sure. I am a God. Do you really think I would come all the way down here to Earth just to say ‘You’re super!....only kidding,’?”
Notsosuperman shrugged his shoulders. He had never met a God before and after all it’s name was SuperSNEAKY.
The heavenly being shook its head, “Look, if you want to be a super hero you must follow my guidance. If you don’t…I will have to shock you with electricity every half hour, it’s the rules.”
“Woah! No one said anything about electricity!” Notsosuperman exclaimed. He had heard of such powerful magic before, but had never witnessed it.
The being shrugged, “My hands are tied Notsosuperman. What’s it to be?”
Notsosuperman looked at the grand trophy cabinet, filled with vast treasures won by great heroes before him. A sudden surge of passion, bravery and responsibility coursed through his body. He looked back at the God with determination in his eyes. “I want to be super.”
The being smiled and nodded, “Then super you shall be.” And with that it being vanished in another blinding flash of light.
Notsosuperman rubbed his eyes and frowned. He looked down at where the being had stood and saw a scroll lying neatly bound on the floor. He picked it up and untied it carefully. Inside he was to finally discover what he was destined to do…....
Notsosuperman in order for you to achieve your destiny of a truly super hero you must follow these 4 simple rules;
1. You must complete seemingly pointless quests. (They are very important. They will help progress your experience as a hero and one day you will fully understand how, but for now just trust me and do them.)
2. You must commence in endless battles. (Triumph over other heroes in the arena and smite creatures whose names are hilarious, but must never be underestimated. To become a super hero you must first become a mighty gladiator.)
3. You must build a temple for your Goddess Supersneaky out of solid gold bricks. (Remember to pray often and you will be greatly rewarded. Sometimes these rewards get lost in transit, but it doesn’t mean I don’t send them!)
4. Perhaps the most important rule of them all…You must stay away from beer. (It is evil. I’ve been there done that, its not worth it. Stay away from it! Seriously.)
Follow my rules and you will be the most super hero all of Godville has ever seen! Rivals will fall at your feet. Animals will walk along side you. All of Godville will praise your name!
“Hooah Notsosuperman!”
Notsosuperman closed the scroll and nodded, “From this day forward I vow to become a true SUPER hero!” He shoved the scroll into a pocket in his cape and picked up his sapient pearwood club. As he went to exit the hero training room he paused, “Wait, what’s beer?”
To this day Notsosuperman is a brave and virtuous youngster, loyally following his Goddess’ guide to being a super hero. Well almost… The same night he met Supersneaky he asked his guild mates, at the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, what beer was and unfortunately they introduced him to it. He spent four days in hospital after that…. and now, well, basically now he has a bit of an addiction.
But anyway, at about 18 days old he is on the right path to superness and with each milestone he passes he becomes a step closer to being a true super hero. Every once in a while he may stray from this path, but the good Goddess Supersneaky strikes him with a small spark of electricity when this happens, just to remind him of the consequences.
More tales to come as Notsosuperman’s journey unfolds. Look out for: Notsosuperman and the last gold brick (might be a long wait for that one), and Notsosuperman’s…um…amazing adventures? O.o