02:57 PM The following diary entries are brought to you by Venus Aversa – I’m a monsterrrr!!.
03:03 PM Operatically sang “I’m a monsterrrr!!” as loud as I could, but shattered my aura of rage when I hit the high note. I’ll let someone else clean this up…
Decided to roll around in the snow. It’s for camouflage purposes only. I’m definitely not fooling around with Toto or anything. And I’m definitely not having any fun at all.
Had to pay a “stabling fee” of 71 coins for Toto. You’d think he’d know better than to lick the Tradeburg guard post in a blizzard.
I love books. There’s nothing like a good, thick book in a fire to keep you warm on those cold winter nights.
Passed a sign which read: “Visit Lostway! This may be your last chance before you die.”
12-17-15 08:09 AM My face must be glowing like this golden temple I just now finished for you, Almighty. I have to say, it does look great!
1,000th Brick 07:34 AM It has gravity, but no perceptible mass. With no mass to put on the scale, I have to assume that dark matter is infinitely light. A heroine’s work is never done, but my quest to make light work of dark matter certainly is! This golden brick is a nice reward for such a thankless job. – And that is the final one!
07:37 AM Watched the world around me slowly change into a beautiful, snow-covered wonderland. For a brief moment, I almost forgot that there’s probably a monster waiting to pounce on me at the next milestone.
10:29 AM One of my artifacts just fell into pieces. Found a bucket of antimatter, a pearl of wisdom, an operating model of a black hole, an alchemical transmuter, an attention spanner, some used mad libs and an invisible ink eraser in the shards.
11:47 PM Have lots of original and viable ideas. It’s just that my original ideas aren’t viable and my viable ideas aren’t original. Either this is both or neither, so help me Luminous One.
12:41 PM Fishing in this area is prohibited, which only makes it more interesting. This vial of vitamin C++ should be a good bait. 12:49 PM Caught a goldfish. It quickly turned into a golden brick before I could utter a single wish.
02:01 PM The trader whispered, “I have what you want. Follow me.” Followed him to the back of the shop where he revealed a polished golden brick with my God’s sigil engraved on it. Thanked him profusely with a bag of gold coins.
09:40 PM I was praying at my temple when Toto came to my side and offered some flowers that he dug up from the roadside. I think he likes you, my Lord.
12:13 AM Screamed “Your time is up, Rigorous Mortician!” It glanced at its watch and muttered “Oh, you’re right.” before falling over. Picked up 12 coins and a prosthetic table leg.
12:01 AM When I finally dispatched the Scientific Method Actor, Toto tore its head off and found a “Hero of the Day” award.
11:34 PM Just as my health was getting low, I remembered the bottle of hot sauce in my pocket. Poured it all over my arms and legs. When the Freed Radical bit into me again, its eyes suddenly went wide and it ran away screaming for water. That was close!
08:31 PM Tried to get the doctor to write me a prescription for beer. Don’t know whether it worked or not, because I can’t read his handwriting.
01:29 AM Toto suddenly flew into a rage and breathed fire at the opponent. We were all shocked. What other hidden talents does my pet have?
10:17 PM My Lord is healing me so diligently, it caused a fierce aura of rage to form around me. A-a-arghr!
09:59 PM Sucked all of the alcohol wipes dry while the doctor wasn’t looking. Instantly felt much better.
09:18 PM Got as much as 605 gold coins at the market today for the vampire’s dentures. Feels like these people will pay any money for some co-branded junk…
09:04 PM .stceffe edis yna era ereht fi erus ton ,rorrim lacigam a ekorb yltnediccA
08:51 PM I’m so ashamed. Toto finally had to go over and ask another solar bear for directions. He’ll never let me live this down.
08:48 PM Painted stars on the ceiling of the tavern. The owner was not pleased. Hooray! After all this long and agonizing traveling, the quest to paint the sky with stars is finally over. Got a golden brick, a tropical punch and 12473 coins as a reward!
08:03 PM Gave a tree a hug today. It smiled at me as I walked away… It likes hugs.
10:16 AM Why is it that every time someone passes by, they try to poke my body with a stick? 10:06 AM Oh no! It’s that kid with the poking stick again. No! Go away! Ouch! You just wait until I get resurrected…
21:08 Busy dodging a strike, Dadahighness didn’t notice Overtaker stealing and gnawing on her whole shebang.
08:41 AM A witch claimed that she could curse me to speak in rhymes forever. Old lady thinks she’s so clever. But I know better. Whatever.
12:48 AM Paid 2869 coins and registered ’I’m a monsterrrr!!’ in the Beerburgh Registry of Mottos.
10:56 PM Heard someone yelling, ‘Oh God!’ over and over from behind a bush. I wish I were that devout, Mighty One.
10:49 PM Everything in this diary is absolutely true, Almighty. Only the names, places, times and facts have been changed.
12:36 PM I wouldn’t say I stabbed the Powerless Ranger to death, but I did provide its maximum daily requirement of iron.
05:21 AM Entered a bamboo grove to get some rest, but encountered Sasha Llyr there. We built a little field altar and prayed to our gods. Maybe we should build a pantheon next time.
09:59 PM Toto swallowed a bunch of fireflies. Now every time he hiccups, beams of light shine out of his eyes and ears.
06:52 AM Played truth or dare with Nymeria Dire. She dared me to bridge the cultural gap. Time to do a new quest! 02:40 PM The doctor was running late, so Nymeria Dire and I discussed our ailments while waiting. Our symptoms are so similar! 02:55 PM Met Nymeria Dire during a rest by the wayside and borrowed her diary to read. The writing is so similar… We’re obviously soulmates.
05:58 PM A sullen guard greeted me with the words “Glory to Deville”. Uh, I guess so?
01:49 AM The trader took the random number generator off my hands for 1020 gold coins. I’d only wanted to show it to him! 01:44 AM The merchant was bamboozled by my entrepreneurial flair as I put my “Cheshire smile” skill into action. I managed to sell my archeological record album for the handsome sum of 266 gold coins and he even threw in a random number generator as a sweetener!
06:29 PM A group of scientists offered me 1626 gold coins to be their lab rat. A barrage of pills, multiple injections, hours of prodding and numerous complications later, they discovered how to swap my “self-propelled feet” skill with the “slap of the whale” skill! If only they knew how to reverse the effect.
09:44 AM I found a lamp on the ground, and when I rubbed it clean a genie popped out! The genie said he’d grant me three wishes, but only if I come inside and take a look at some paint samples he’s picked out for the bathroom. Screw that! I’m a heroine, not an interior decorator.
09:06 AM My Lord, I was really looking forward to meeting you in the afterlife, so why do you keep resurrecting me? Are you trying to tell me something?
07:04 AM I was just about to defeat that Borderline Collie when I swallowed a fly. I had to swallow a spider to catch the fly and one thing led to another and now I’m dead, of course.
11:14 PM I had a strange dream last night, Great One. You were peeking at my diary, chuckling to yourself and munching on chips. I hope that’s not true.
10:23 PM Venus Aversa suddenly performed a fertility dance, plunging the opponent into a stupor.
10:59 PM I told the Spaghetti Elemental to stay dead this time. It told me not to waste my new bar of spaghetti. We both laughed.
09:02 PM A worm popped out of my apple and screamed “Dig for gold treasure.” Ate it to shut it up.
09:07 AM Knelt down to feel the cool, wet ground in a majestic field of wind-swept grass. Ripped my pants.
08:59 AM Channeled my love from within and delivered a brutal hug to the monster. It suffered from a few moments of air deprivation. Thank you for the kindness, my Lord!
01:06 AM Thank you for your mercy, Luminous One. Now tell me, what was I doing again? 12:54 AM The Sir Render raised its hand for a deadly final strike against my beloved Toto, when I suddenly threw myself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, its neck broken. I’m dead but otherwise okay. Oh, Mighty One, why? I was so young…
06:56 PM Saw a guy yelling ‘This is Sparta!’ Told the confused soul he was in Godville.
09:42 AM Looted the lair of the slain Flash Mobster. Found an old group photo. Darn, we were neighbors!
09:36 AM Toto bit the Hindsight Seer’s head off, then regurgitated 7 coins. I’m grossed out but also a bit richer.
09:57 AM Saw a woman with a frying pan furiously chasing a man, yelling, “What you think buy one broadsword and a shield !” Sounds like he’s got some explaining to do.
11:15 PM The Industrial Park Ranger looked into my kind eyes and started putting a leash on me! I was tempted by the thought of free food and companionship, but remembered just in time that pets can’t drink in the tavern. Ran off at the last minute, leaving the Industrial Park Ranger heartbroken.
07:59 PM My pocket ripped under the weight of all my gold, and I squirmed uncontrollably as a torrent of freezing coins ran down my leg. When they finally stopped I couldn’t find them anywhere, but there was a shiny gold brick in my sock!
07:44 PM Found a package with the label “BACON” on it. Ate it without question.
05:56 PM Caught Toto mocking me behind my back today by pretending to write in a diary and making a stupid face. Oh, Great One, must I be ridiculed by my own solar bear too?!
03:15 PM While trying to flee in blind panic I inadvertently ran straight into the Chain Male, killing it instantly. When I finally stopped running, I found that my boot had snagged its sheet of personal information and 9 coins.
07:17 PM I love having a solar bear. It’s like pretending to be a goddess.
04:07 PM Fell into another hero’s trap. I would have been injured, but Nymeria Dire was lying at the bottom and broke my fall.
01:23 PM Other heroes love it when I draw the letter ‘X’ on the ground. They swarm around it as soon as I leave, cheering excitedly, with shovels in their hands.
06:55 PM Ravenous Bugblatter Beast died as it lived: filled inwardly with shame. Took its boss key. 06:54 PM Suddenly heard some buzzing coming out of my knapsack, and the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast lost its will to live as it witnessed the power of my hurricane in a bottle.
06:02 PM Attempted to escape from the First Person Shooter by jumping into the nearby river. Promptly drowned.
10:12 AM Trained Toto to strike a fierce and intimidating pose when I yell “I’m a monsterrrr!!”. Now we’ll really look like a team!
10:11 AM When I told the Prince of Whales that my mission was to kill as many bosses as possible, its demeanor changed completely. It called me an honorary comrade of the Common Monsters’ Revolution and handed me a lost marble cake in recognition of my service to the cause. Weird.
07:44 AM After selling off my loot I shouted “I’m a monsterrrr!!” and heroically marched towards the local tavern.
10:45 PM I heard a nearby Goat Of Arms yell “I’m a monsterrrr!!”. You can assault me, kill me, take all of my gold and items, but when you steal the motto that I worked so hard to coin, that’s when it’s personal! It’s on now!
01:45 PM My “mass effect” skill is so dangerous it’s been outlawed in the majority of territories of Godville. I enthusiastically showed the Origami Dragon how dangerous it can be.
12:36 PM Toto roared loudly and charged at the Sabertooth Fairy but stumbled and fell. Yes, that’s definitely my solar bear.
06:04 AM The Spanish Inquisitor was slain with a stab so deep, leaving me a raven claw to keep. Venus Aversa’s armor shone bright and silver… err, what rhymes with silver?
05:04 AM Talked with Paladino do Amor from 50 milestones away using smoke signals. I love this instant messaging thing.
11:31 PM Exchanged 1834 coins for something golden, fulfilling, and starts with “b”. I hope the Almighty thinks I’m talking about bricks.
02:52 PM The Gandolphin was about to strike me down when a hooded figure appeared and waved it away. Once the creature had left, the figure dropped its scythe and cloak, revealing Nymeria Dire. She winked at me and walked away.
05:31 AM I’m like, level 48 now! I’m like way more mature now! You can’t tell me what to do anymore, Soul Supreme.
01:11 PM I arranged a whole bunch of coins in a brick shape, clicked my heels together, wiggled my nose, closed my eyes and wished real hard. Then I gave them to the trader in exchange for a gold brick.
11:45 PM The Bicyclops was starting to fall for me. Fortunately, my weapon was there to break its fall. I also managed to save its “Little Hero” night-light at the last second. Love. What a wondrous thing!
07:00 PM While taking a swim in the lake I suddenly bumped into a half-submerged Sycophantom. The next few minutes were awkward as we both tried to get out of the water, retrieve our pants and weapons, and pretend it never happened.
06:14 PM Found a group of pigs guarding stolen eggs. Score! Bacon and eggs for breakfast.
08:13 PM In a flash, in place of the friendship bracelet, Keyser soze appeared in my backpack, screaming wildly. It appears I’ve made a new friend.
04:15 PM Tied a rope to Toto’s collar, yelled, “Mush!” and held on for dear life as I gracelessly tumbled for milestones at a time.
04:04 PM Laid down under a tree to die from severe wounds. Came back to my senses as Toto was performing CPR on me.
04:02 PM Out of context, killing the Fantastic Foe and stealing its 2 coins might look a bit wrong. To keep things in context, I need that temple.
01:50 AM Swung Toto by his tail and launched him into battle. He tore the Poultry Geist to shreds, leaving a schnozberry pie and 40 gold coins behind. I may have to sleep with one eye open tonight, but it was totally worth it.
09:14 AM Saw another heroine sleeping in the sun. Wrote “I’m a monsterrrr!!” on her forehead with sunblock, then ran off giggling.
10:09 PM The Punk Panther ripped out my guts and showed them to me. Hey look, a golden brick! I don’t remember eating that.
09:27 PM Posed for a selfie over the body of the defeated Titanium Gingerbread Man, making sure to get my new bunch of pansies in the background.
03:28 PM Took my solar bear to the pet psychologist to deal with its fear of commitment and violent tendencies. Paid 1155 gold coins to settle the charges after Toto attacked him.
03:21 PM The trader was impressed by my “Kiss my axe” guild membership card. Received bracers of embracing as a free gift.
02:46 PM Toto picked me up by the scruff of my neck and took off. So this is what it feels like to be a baby solar bear.
11:25 PM Bought a golden brick for my god’s temple. It truly was difficult to make that much money.
12:18 AM Used my “lion belch” skill. Completely missed the Desert Eagle and instead hit a tree, which fell and crushed the Desert Eagle. I’m going to tell people I planned that.
12:09 AM Saw a sign reading “Disarmingly Delicious guild rules!” Amended it by adding “Rule 1: Don’t join this guild. Rule 2: If you’re in this guild, leave immediately. Rule 3: Join Kiss my axe instead”. Tee hee!
01:12 PM While I was resting under a tree, a wood nymph suggested we ‘get dirty’. So why did she leave after I jumped in the mud?
09:49 AM Engines set to warp speed. Engage, Officer Toto.
07:43 PM Harold Groebal jumped in front of me and yelled, “Interception!” as the healing ray descended from the heavens. Please try it again, Omnipotent One, he’s gone now!
02:42 PM I yelled “I’m a monsterrrr!!” on the mountaintops, but the echos came back as “Complete the quest faster.”
02:38 PM Accidentally spilled a number of gold coins in a pond. When I reached in to pull them out, all I could find was this golden brick. Tossed Toto in for good measure, but all that came out was an angry, wet solar bear.
11:10 Spent 3109 gold coins on an extra spicy meal to impress the other heroes in the tavern. Had to quickly gulp down the contents of Sneezy’s milk bowl to douse my burning mouth. Sorry, my sweet, hungry biowolf!
02:01 Somehow I’ve managed to win a dwarven drinking contest. Found a chest full of money. Gonna drink heavily. 02:01 Oh Almighty! Save me from this terrible hangover!
11:53 Saw HaniKzmi running from a Charlie’s Angel while I was fleeing from the Smashing Pumpkin. We joined forces and bravely fled together.
08:34 Saw a depressed donkey wade into the water with a bubbly yellow bear. I kept walking, afraid the bouncy tiger nearby might decide I look like prey.
08:26 Today Los Demonos, tomorrow the world.
12:43 Saw a heroine unsuccessfully begging a monster to spare her life. Shame. A real heroine knows the secret is to grovel on her knees. Amateurs.
17:12: Just found 257 gold coins on one of my old corpses! Sweet!
10:33 While the enemy was taking a time-out, ChimpChomp helped me cleanse my wounds and fed me some deliciously fresh buns.
02:48 As I walked past a graveyard, a sinister hand suddenly thrust out of the earth. Thought it was a zombie rising from the dead, but turns out it was just ChimpChomp being resurrected.
18:00: A wandering monk saw my pet and said something about training, carrots and sticks… When Sneezy beat him with a stick, the monk treated me with a carrot. We also shared some buns with him. I have to say, monks are odd fellows.
21:57: Ran into ChimpChomp. He distracted the monster with some magic tricks, giving me time for a quick prayer.
23:34: As I ripped a tiberium log and 11 gold coins from the dying Unshaven E-book Worm’s grip, it croaked ‘Choke on them!’. Silly monster, I know better ways to deal with these things than eating them. 04:14: The Horseless Headman claimed to be too weird to live, but too rare to die. Pumba didn’t understand a word of it and simply continued to gnaw on the monster’s leg.10-20-11 03:39 PM The Depressed Robot raised its paw for a deadly final strike on me, but suddenly Pumba threw himself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, breaking its neck. Pumba quietly heaved his last breath under the monster’s carcass. Oh my Lord, why? He was so young…
10-21-11 03:23 Am Desperately praying and sacrificing, I made a small miracle and resurrected my pet. Pumba, I’m so glad to see you!
08:35: During our last rest stop, Pumba performed some gothic dances in honor of the god of monsters. Please forgive him, Omnipotent One.
09:25: My Pumba puffed out his gorgeous chest and jumped around, confusing the monster. Just like I do!
11-17 06:38: Pumba sacrificed himself to save my existence. Oh..why? I need to remember to save up and resurrect him.
11-19 14:06: Lost the last hope of resurrecting my pet. Good bye, Pumba, I’ll promise my new best friend will look just like you!
Rest in peace my pet. Firefox level 12, last mood..cheerful. :(
09:35 A fat old man was screaming “Rudoooolph!” in the forest. I felt pity and gave him a piece of fresh reindeer meat that I had just bought from some wandering goblins.
02:48 PM Tried to persuade the trader that my eternal gratitude was valid tender in exchange for a pair of cool sunglasses. He wasn’t as dumb as I hoped. Ended up giving him 3078 gold coins instead. 05:28 PM The trader was impressed by my “Slaves to Armok” guild membership card. Received a Mask as a free gift. Could have gotten a brick!!!
22:16: A wandering monk saw my pet and said something about training, carrots and sticks… When Bess beat him with a stick, the monk treated me with a carrot. We also shared some buns with him. I have to say, monks are odd fellows. 22:29: Met Twilight Sparkly as we were walking from milestone to milestone. She worships a false god, but otherwise seems to be a decent sort of girl. I shall pray for her soul.16:54: You know, Great One, maybe I’d listen to you if you listened to me. Where was that hotdog I asked for yesterday, huh? I starved because of you.
03:45: HaniKzmi ran out of the bushes shouting “Venus Aversa, I’m coming!” but proceeded to trip and roll head over heels into a gully. Well, you know what they say – if you want something done right, do it yourself. 00:24: Nico93 happened to be standing next to me in the shop, and prevented the trader from cheating me. It’s good to have friends.