She defeated her first monster, the ‘Trained Dummy’ that…knows how to use…chi?
What?
Has an irrational fear of koi. Not even gonna ask.
Found out that her shadow can leave her because of a faux-pas.
She loves alcohol, a lot.
Apparently can do cool tricks to convince monsters to spare her.
Definitely not the brightest, or sharpest hero, at least she remembers to sometimes send her god sacrifices.
Easy to steal from, and fool, but apparently is smart enough to take the coins when told by a priest that she should lighten the load of others. Good job.
Got told by a passerby that she is not qualified to guess what to do next, and she just accepted that. Really?
Wanted to try her hand at origami because she is apparently good at folding under pressure….
She told her god that she prefers the blessings to be more personal. Just be grateful I have limited god power, or you’ll be experiencing lightning storm for a whole year.
She knows about the narrator…. and even waited for the narrator to tell her what to do….
I just realized, but the battle down there is quite civilized, other than involving ridiculous powers. They took turns when attacking, and they sometimes even debate on who should take the next turn.
If you’ve reached this part, dear reader, then you should probably already realized that this is my (Sheilla’s patron god) diary of her.
Continuing with the diary….
She loves pony. How do I know? Because her first motto was “For pony!”.
I should have written her quests.
Quest #1: Think of a catchphrase for when you conquer the world (I don’t remember, it’s something like that)
Quest #2: Keep calm and Hero on
Quest #3: Get a lion and a witch into a wardrobe
Found out from a psychiatrist that she is schizophrenic and paranoid.
This is the stuff she writes in her diary:
2 April 2021
04:03 Note to self: stop ignoring notes I’ve written to myself.
Quest #4: Answer nature’s call
Quest #5: Keep warm with some friendly fire
Quest #6: Look on the bright side of joining the dark side
Her diary entry:
What I lack in sophistication, charm, wit, common sense and general motor skills, I make up for with my ability to list qualities I lack.
Quest #7:
Really? censored? What kind of quest needs it’s name to be censored from the god’s eyes?
Quest #8: Say the alphabet backwards while walking in a straight line
C’mon. This isn’t that hard. Surely.
Found out she likes candy. Bit of a weird combination, candy and alcohol…
Quest #9: Paint the roses blue and the violets red
Quest #10: Replace Adam’s apple with a pear
You see the difficulty difference between Quest #9 and Quest #10?
6 April 2021 02:46 I refused to sell my babel fish for any price, but instead used it to buy 260 gold coins from the trader.
Quest #11: Solve a catch-22 in 21 easy steps
Quest #12: Take an anger mismanagement class
7 April 2021 02:39 Ran out of ink for my pen. Great One, you don’t want to know what this was written with…
Considering it looked the same here, you did a pretty good job with the alternative, whatever it is.
7 April 2021 02:54 Everything in this diary is absolutely true, Most Righteous One. Only the names, places, times and facts have been changed.
I’m speechless.
Quest #13: Become two with nature
Quest #14: Become the 12th member of the guild “Kontoneers”
Her first guild.
Guild quest take a very long time. About three times longer than the normal ones.
Quest #15: Find out if the truth really is out there
Quest #16: Attempt sobriety for just one quest
Considering it just says ‘attempt’, she’ll probably fail.
13 April 2021 00.41 Life is about give and take, so I’m giving this Cookie Mobster a beating and taking its 27 gold coins and forbidden fruit.
I’m taking this.
She got a wedding ring for an equipment? Who’s wedding ring is this? How did someone’s wedding ring got sold off as an equipment? Is it the trader’s? Is he fed up with his wife or something? Or did he got it from the blackmarket from a thief maybe? And you too, you just bought it and wear it?
Quest #17: Learn to shoot arrows with a bow tie
14 April 2021 04:00 Met a lost traveller. Gave him random directions to look knowledgeable.
This is when she has a ‘virtuous’ personality. Imagine if she goes to the dark side. Maybe one day.
Quest #1&: Find out how many pecks of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked
She sold the wedding ring…
14 April 2021 11:16 A passing Cherno-Bull told me that the best revenge is living well. I’ll kill it for teasing me with unattainable aspirations!
Atta’ girl!
14 April 2021 12:00 Recreated a famous war from long ago, using coins from my pouch. It was the battle against sobriety, and 294 gold coins were lost in the initial charge.
I swear in my name, her famous war was probably from last night she was at the bar or something.
Quest #19: Help the three little kittens find their mittens
15 April 2021 04:28 Trying to beat the high score on the prayer arcade machine…
I’m sorry, on the what now?
Quest #20: Delay the moment of procrastination
We’re procrastinating on procrastinating now too?
Quest #21: Go on a guilt trip
Quest #22: Give an ice queen the cold shoulder
Quest #23: Let the cat out of the bag
Quest #24: Find someone who knows the muffin man
Quest #25: Find out what’s in humble pie
Quest #26: Stop a moving speech from reaching terminal velocity
Quest #27: Find out how much horsepower a pony has
Is it not supposed to be ‘ponypower’?
Quest #28: Reach the pinnacle of human achievement
Quest #29: Come up with a better catch phrase
Quest #30: Gather enough anecdotal evidence to make data
Quest #31: Complete the previous quest at a higher difficulty level
Quest #32: Gyre and gimble in the wabe
Quest #33: Learn to draw a perfect circle
Quest #34: Find a lost cause and offer it directions
Quest #35: Kill two birds with one stone
Quest #36: Tame a mechanical bull
Quest #37: Recruit a new lifeguard for the gene pool
Quest #38: Write a fashion statement
This is supposed to be someone else’s quest…
Quest #39: Chop some sticks with chopsticks
Quest #40: Find some midnight oil and burn it
Quest #41: Knock on Death’s door and run away
Quest #42: Take a dip in the data stream
13:28 The stream was a bit too strong and I ended up being in a place named “My Downloads”.
Hope that I won’t have to take a dip in the data stream again. But the reward was good: an extra dose of experience and a shiny golden brick.
Quest #43: Find answers to questions never asked
Quest #45: Find a way to put the toothpaste back into the tube
Alright, she’s completing them quite fast now, or just the time between my visits are getting longer. Anyway, I’m just going to post epic quest from now on, if I happen to see it. Considering it starts after she finishes 100 quests, it will take a while.
1 May 2021 14:49 After vanquishing the Ballpoint Penguin, I noticed a pair of tear-brimmed eyes peering out from under the bushes. Wracked by guilt, I took the baby-monster’s shaking hand and adopted it as my pet. I’ll name him Dumbo.
Her very first pet, Dumbo. Considering the circumstance in which it became her pet, the name’s kinda fitting. Until it becomes big enough to eat her while she sleeps, probably.
Pets have cool stuff happening when they level up, very unlike the hero. Huh.
5 May 2021 12:35 ‘Spinning in circles, praying for a miracle…’
What kind of miracle do you expect by spinning in circles!?
5 May 2021 22:56 Went to the graveyard today and gave 566 coins to the groundskeeper to have a nice grave with flowers, candles and a great view over Godville the next time I need one.
11 May 2021 09:18 Exalted One, I prayed and spent 58 gold coins on you… Why don’t you pray and spend money on me?
This girl…
11 May 2021 23:15 Good news! The doctor just found traces of blood in my alcohol stream.
If every hero is like this, then she could probably become a vampire.
12 May 2021 20:52 Dumbo was going through a teething phase, so I gave him a portable wormhole to gnaw on.
Note: Ballpoint penguin have teeth.
Quest #160: Conquer the night and save the day (epic)
10 July 2021 13:57 Remembered to expect the unexpected, but forgot to expect the expected.
I don’t even…
Quest #180: Prevent the stars from falling (epic)
Quest #198: Mind everyone else’s business (epic)
Quest #200: Define the meaning of “epic” (epic)
Quest #215: Learn to live with the consequences (epic)
Quest #220: Measure the length of the horizon (epic)
Quest #240: Get away from it all (epic)
Quest #260: Find the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything (epic)
Quest #280: Find the treasure of Big Whoop (epic)
Quest #300: Arrange the milestones in alphabetical order (epic)
Quest #320: Make a short story long (epic)
19 October 2021 01:41 Looked at the sun, hoping to get a glimpse of my Lord.
She’s adorable~
Quest #340: See what lies beyond Godville’s outer spiral (epic)
Considering the amount of epic quest she would partake from this point onward, I’ve decided to stop recording it.
26 November 2021 16:02 I wish that in addition to telling time, my diary could also tell me the weather.
Apparently that is a magical diary that also tells time. Does it also tell how much gold she has or the amount of inventory space she has left, I wonder.
24 December 2021 10:06 The Sneerleader shouted, “I only wanted to become your pet!” as its spirit slid sideways to its next spawn point. Picked up a cubist cigar.
Might take that guy as her next pet, as soon as she builds the Ark.
Hmm… The Hypnogriff is also a good candidate.
13 January 2022:
Let me tell you a gripping true story…
07:53 Notes from the dungeon: Shivering from dampness, Sheilla, Sir Birb, Lufus and Derpimaru carefully step down into a dungeon.
It was a dungeon of ‘High Stakes’, and I was the one taking charge from above.
Soon after entering, the heroes quickly met and defeated the first boss.
Then they found clues to the treasure room, and with my guidance, they quickly went their way, avoiding bosses along the way but injured by traps. They went round and round through various possible rooms that might contain the treasure, but time and time again, their hopes were dashed (mine too).
But just as they felt like giving up, that the 100th step is near, there it was, the last clue, and one place left unchecked. I was sure it was there, and I made the calculation, that would precisely be the 100th step. Meaning that if there was a boss guarding it, they cannot take any detours anymore. Unfortunately our worry came true, there was a boss 2 steps away from the treasure room. With the other deities nowhere to be found and only me at helm, they charged through. But in the middle of the fight, one came back and helped. With two from above, our heroes successfully defeated the last boss monster, and without anyone unconscious too. And so our heroes reached the treasure room right at the 100th step.
08:34 Obediently, the heroes march to the east. What is that glitter ahead? Is it treasure?
The End
(for now)
20 January 2022 23:17 A new guild in town was doing some kind of promotion and rewarded me with a small portion of experience. Yay, free stuff!
I didn’t know experience was something that can be handed out like an item.
26 January 2022 23:16 Praising her god through the medium of drunken rambling…
I for one, am quite fine with that.
26 February 2022 15:20 Talking with the voices in her imaginary friend’s head…
Now that’s some next level stuff.
Quest #523: Become the 564th member of the guild “Blue Feather”
Her third guild…
15 March 2022 07:45 Just figured out that the wind is caused by the trees waving. Your design, Omnipotent One, never ceases to amaze me.
She’ll learn…
One step at a time…one step at a time.., even if it’s a step backwards.
26 March 2022 09:12 Almighty, what are you going to do about all the blasphemers building temples to their false gods in Godville?
Hmmm….. (．＿．)
11 April 2022 00:17 Was about to spend my money on some delicious beer but constant reproachful glares from Dumbo guilt-tripped me into adding 3573 gold coins to my retirement fund. Darn that ballpoint penguin and his moral compass!
Good job, Dumbo!
6 May 2022 19:29 Sending “Get well soon” cards to herself…
Well, at least she’s lone-social
6 June 2022 17:10 I swear I just saw Dumbo’s fleas sacrificing a tick on an altar.
I’ll take that sacrifice
4 September 2022 15:40 Tried to buy a new random innocent bystander for a song, but the trader said I was tone deaf and charged me 6401 coins instead.
I see slavery is still there
Weapon: Death’s sickle +79
Now that’s a cool weapon
“Your deity loves you!” poster
Rather than selling that artifact, wouldn’t it be better to hang it on the wall of the temple?
13 September 2022 22:08 Silly Dumbo just tried to use the “inept singing” skill. Of course he failed. What a noob!
So her pet can actually sing, wow.
14 September 2022 17:14 Grabbed the nuclear energy drink out of my pocket and used it to restore some health. Hold on, Worthy Opponent!
Finally, a worthy opponent!
18 September 2022 10:11 I may not be the best worshipper, Omnipotent One, but I’m the only one worshipping you.
She’s not wrong
28 September 2022 03:16 Seven days with you, Mighty One, makes one weak.
Have I been spoiling her too much with all this ‘Encourage’?
30 October 2022 14:44 A log! A thousandth log! I’m even ready for a flood now. Not that I’m asking for it, Great One.
30 December 2022 03:44 Olwyn just shed his skin! Wait, is an atomic kitten supposed to do that? Anyway, he looks bigger, meaner and cleaner now.
I’m having the suspicion that atomic kitten isn’t a kitten at all…
7 February 2023 02:53 Going for the “Honored Drunkard” achievement…
I did not know there was a hidden achievement…
13 February 2023 16:38 Hit my funny bone. Ended up crying. A lot.
:(
14 February 2023 00:31 Kunegard asked me if I could finish his quest to exercise the right to be lazy. I’d do anything to help a frie… Hey! He hasn’t even started!
Hero’s last two braincells wasn’t enough…
12 April 2023 14:21 Fed the local wildlife my figment of the imagination, just to spite the authorities.
So she fed them nothing…
27 June 2023 14:55 You know, Mighty One, your poem is spreading like wildfire:
The earth may be round
So far is the pub
There’s bosses underground
Now go dig them up.
3 July 2023 11:15 Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
Sometimes?
14 January 2024 13:29 A Godville Administrator stopped by during my prayer hour with a thank-you card signed “From all of us.” Neat.
30 January 2024 13:58 Easily managed to demand a refund for a broken heart and got a broken heart as a reward. Hooray! The mini-quest has been completed!
Wow…Refund department don’t give a shit.
2 February 2024 01:04 Tried to get myself together to fight the Mind Boggler, but I ran off screaming in several directions.
Cool.
Quest: Replenish the collection of bowling balls (completed)
- 15 March 2024 01:08 My sack is full of monsters’ heads. I’ll drill proper holes in them later.
Just as I was telling myself that my quest to replenish the collection of bowling balls would never complete itself, it did! Found myself with 3084 gold coins in my pockets.
That’s a bit grim I must say, but then again, the image of monster heads with ‘x’ for eyes used as bowling balls is kind of funny