Heroine

Gravatar

Fuzzy McLumpkins

level 19

BANG! BANG! BOOM!RATATAT!

Age 7 years 9 months
Personality neutral
Guild no guild
Monsters Killed about 6 thousand
Death Count 7
Wins / Losses 1 / 1
Bricks for Temple 5.3%
Pet Sun dog Scratchy 3rd level

Equipment

Weapon ogre's toothpick +20
Shield strong sunblock +26
Head Batman's cowl +18
Body spiked leather jacket +19
Arms Fallen Angel's battle bracers +20
Legs boots of outrageous toughness +21
Talisman basilisk jaw +20

Skills

  • rickrolling level 6
  • somersault squatting level 6

Pantheons

Storytelling495

Achievements

  • Renegade, 2nd rank
  • Builder, 3rd rank
  • Favorite, 3rd rank
  • Saint, 3rd rank

Hero's Chronicles

Well, this has been confusing and no mistake. I wake up in some place they tell me is called “Godville,” hearing the disembodied voice of a pushy goddess and sent off on a bizarre quest to trap a mime in an invisible box—all while dressed in my birthday suit, with nothing more than a fig leaf, some surgical gloves and a hair curler to defend myself against the most ridiculously named (yet still somehow lethal!) monsters ever dreamed of.

I think once I find my way out of this alternate dimension, I’m going to see my shrink about adjusting my meds….

~

Many days have passed. I’m not exactly sure this is the dream anymore. But you can’t spot a dream when you’re having it, so who knows? Anyway, this goddess is always harping at me: sacrifice this, pray about that, rescue these. It’s no wonder I spend half my loot on beer. (Speaking of, I’m considering a little cottage in Beerburgh when this is all over. They have primo prices on the kegs….)

Still, something doesn’t feel right to me. I still feel like maybe I’m falling into something a lot bigger than I can see right now, like the blackest parts of a mountain lake, and something is just waiting to devour me—aside from all these freaking monsters, I mean.

Guess we’ll see….

Stuck a mime in an invisible box for some reason. I’ll never understand these gods….

~

Hey, speaking of gods, can we talk about this a little bit? Because, frankly, it makes me a little uncomfortable. I find myself unable to resist urges to praise this goddess who is apparently my patron (and absolutely ineffible), but … I could have sworn I was a Methodist yesterday. Seriously, guys, what’s going on here?

What do you mean, “What’s a Methodist?” Really?

I … I have to go lie down now.

~

Okay, you know what? This just keeps getting weirder. I swear, I walked out of the village today with a big target on my head. I asked the goddess (why not? She’s always talking to me anyway) why it seemed that monsters and other heroes were taking shots at me every 3 steps. She said I’ve reached “level 10” and apparently that’s like being a nerd in middle school around here: you’re just marked for a swirly. Well, crap.

Also, I seem to have forgotten how to dress myself. Is this… am I holding a toilet seat? And a … potato chopper?

Whatever. I just saw another Vegetarian Cannibal. Dude was flipping me off, so he kind of has this coming. Back in a bit, I guess?

~

This is going to sound weird, but apart from the goddess - whom I’ve begun to treat as something of a talking puppy, for lack of a more useful theology – I really feel like I’m being watched, like somewhere, maybe far away, someone is spying on me.

I’ve probably just had too much Essence of Awesome tonight. (That stuff doesn’t do much for my hit points or health bar, but it’s better than what they’re trying to pass off as coffee in the pubs.)

Till tomorrow, whoever you are….

~

I woke up with blazing words above my head, something about level 12 and guilds. I don’t really know what half of it means. I tried to be a smart aleck and just go for “insert guild name here,” but it turns out that’s basically a thing. Seriously. I’m apparently become member number 305 of Guild Name local.

You know, I can’t even make a joke here, guys. I’m afraid I’ll slip into something so meta that the universe implodes with me in it.

Besides, I’ve got to go finish this quest and the one where I’m fixing the break of dawn. Why do I feel like I’ve fallen into a Piers Anthony novel and can’t get out?

~

Well, I wandered into the Guild Name guild today while picking up a rusty crowbar in a nearby town. Expected to be eviscerated immediately since guilds can be pretty cutthroat and I’m not even an official member yet. I was actually pleasantly surprised to find lots of laid back and obviously drunk members.

Aside: is it just me or is there a distinct drinking epidemic here? I mean, maybe it’s how we deal with the random deities and pun-filled monsters; I’m not judging, just wondering if anybody else noticed….

Anyway, back to the guild thing: they were nice and welcoming and I’m not sure anybody noticed I’m not actually a member yet. No one offered to kill me or serve me my own liver on toast, which was a nice change. Maybe I’ll like it there after all.