One of the two remaining employees of the Ankh-Morpork Post Office prior to Moist von Lipwig being made Postmaster. A very old man in a cheap wig, Groat had spent most of his career in the Post Office as a Junior Postman, since until von Lipwig’s arrival none of the other Postmasters appointed by Lord Vetinari had survived long enough to promote him. Groat doesn’t trust doctors, which is perfectly understandable since there are very few reliable doctors in Ankh-Morpork. He instead treats himself with a variety of apparently dubious “natural” home remedies (later revealed to be, in actuality, extraordinarily effective), including concoctions made with sulfur or arsenic, and a poultice made of bread pudding. He is a habitual speaker of Dimwell Arrhythmic Rhyming Slang, the only known rhyming slang in the universe that does not actually rhyme. Groat tells Moist von Liping about his hair that, “It’s all mine, you know, not a prunes”. Explanation reveals that in Dimwell slang, “syrup of prunes” means wig. (In Cockney rhyming slang, the expected derivation would be “syrup of figs.”) Another example given in the text is “cup-and-plate” – no definition is given, but “He’s a bit cup-and-plate in the head” implies it means “not quite right.”
The wintersmith approached him to take some sulfur, so that he would become a man. This incident was reported in The Ankh Morpork Times, and a widow approached him, swayed by ‘a man who knows his hygiene.’ It is now believed that they are enjoying a relationship, as she was seen walking with him. His trousers and socks are confirmed as being highly explosive, as a result of the gunpowder-like solution they are treated with. His wig is believed to be sentient, and is certainly self-mobile, having escaped from a locked cupboard in the hospital. Groat was left in charge as acting-Postmaster General while Moist von Lipwig assumed his de facto position as chairman of the Royal Bank of Ankh Morpork.