As my eyes close I find myself caught. Caught between two worlds. One real and one imaginary. The imaginary world being nothing but a reflection of the real one. A parallel entity of possibilities. A mirror image, one could say. A striking one that too. The situations – turned within.
I had hundreds of thoughts in my head. Yet none of them were being processed. They came and went. It felt like being struck with The machine of Unspeakable Doom. Not that I had ever felt it to compare it but the pedagogue in my early days of schooling made sure he described his experience in excruciating detail. The feelings we ingrained. Along with his words, “the machine swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you’ve known becomes impossible to grasp”.
All those things which would not happen in the real world accomplished themselves in the dream. And yet I could never touch you in any of it. I tried many a times. But I keep failing. Falling down within the labyrinth of my own mind. Deep down. Inside my own self. Trying to reach the center of my thoughts. It goes on and on.
Suddenly I feel a pinch. A voice forcing me with all it’s sweetness to get up. A voice I had programmed myself to follow. A voice I could hear anytime I wanted to. A voice, Your voice. I wake up. The two worlds merging into one. And the dream is the reality. Or maybe this reality is a dream. I don’t want to find out.
“Memories are funny things… The good ones fill our lives with meaning of context of clarity and other memories can deceive the ones that make you believe that you know the truth, those are the dangerous ones. Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.”
Minute to Midnight
I lay there on the bed. Silent. Reminiscing through the thoughts, as flashes of memory pasted right through my closed eyes. I tried to sleep.
But it didn’t come to me that day.
That brief moment stuck in my head kept repeating itself over and over and over again. Now, it was Over.
The wind outside had died. So had the sound of the insects and madly barking dogs. The eerie silence an indication. The storm was coming.
I always knew I was fighting a battle destined to lose. But now I Knew. There was no turning back. Just like the time when I fell for you.
I never planned for it to happen. But neither did I plan on preventing myself when it did happen. And fall, I did. Not just once, but each and every day after the first time. Right now, right at this moment, I see at our photo below the table lamp on the side of my bed, and again, Fall for you.
I never meant to hurt you. I am sorry that I did. It pains to leave. It hurts to see you cry. It hurts even more to be the person who made you cry.
I am sorry…
But there are some things I always wanted to tell you.
Thank you for being their when I needed it the most. We all have our baggage that we have to carry with us, and sometimes all we ever look for, is that special someone to help us carry it along. Thank you for helping me carrying mine. Thank you for being my special someone.
I wish I had more time to be with you. I wish I had more time to explain. That’s all I wish. But, I didn’t. Nor did you.
Sometimes, the only thing you can do, is to accept the reason without a reason…
Finally as I closed my eyes. Praying god to bring me peace. I turn my head back inside my pillow, trying to get rid of the pain caught inside my throat.Unable to speak myself and no one to hear my muffled cries for miles, I held my breath. My last breath.
Suddenly, I woke up for my unnatural sleep. Taking in short, quick breaths of the stale air. I trembled, like a fish out of water for too long. Something was wrong. This was not supposed to happen. It was suppose to end. I was supposed to End.
My heavy head and senses weak from the deprivation of air, and my eyes now in a wild frenzy to figure out my surroundings. I still lay there on my bed. Death defying my own self.
Barely able to see, my eyes catch hold of an ungodly figure. Sitting right next to me. A satanic figure himself. The pain in my throat now unbearable and my eyes burning. So much that they had gone blind.
I mustered all the draining energy for one last time,
“We had a deal. Let Her Live – Kill Me!”
A smug grin spread over the evil face. It’s eyes, a burning fire of rage, gleamed on seeing my pain. Its cold hand placed on my shoulder, froze the life out it. Blood ceased to flow and nerves send erratic impulses to my brain. It’s sharp fingers now cutting through my flesh, but there was no blood to show for it.
Then, A deep hollow voice fell over my ears,
“Why kill one when I can kill two!”
“Besides I don’t Kill the ones who are already dead. With her gone; you are mine too. It’s a Minute to Midnight, and if you are not dead by then I will kill her. That is the Deal.”
I shouted, as I tried to get up from my bed and fell on the ground. I have to do it.
Your picture stuck in my head, the only thing propelling me now, as I crawled to my desk. My muscles failed me. My mind, now contradicting my every action. Trying to stop me. But in vain!
Barely able to maintain my balance I stand up on my knees and my one hand tightly gripping the desk for support, the other inside the drawer in a frantic search for it.
came the hollow voice from behind me.
No it wasn’t in this drawer, I said to myself. As I pulled open the next one and began all over again. My hands were vibrating and fingers numb. My shoulders winced with every inch of motion I caused within them.
But I had no time to think on that. Just then I could feel my hand touch it. I grabbed it, and pulled it out from a stash of things I had put over it in the past.
laughed a voice at my feeble and desperate attempts.
That’s when my fingers felt something. The tough of the cold metal was unmistakable even in the dark. My fingers followed, the sharp edge of the metal down towards it’s engraved stone base.
“Are you sure you want to buy this? It looks so ƒorlorn.”
Your words still echoed in my head like it was yesterday…
The craftsmanship on it was impeccable. The base was made out of stone with engraved figurines of dozens of tiny human beings. On a closer inspection; dead human beings. Hands held high above their head trying to support the resting part of the blade as if trying to add more human to their stone collection.
I pulled out, The Forsaken Dagger
I don’t know if you will ever understand why I did this. I can’t explain it to you why I did what I am about to do. I can’t.
When love takes over, nothing ever really makes sense. And I Love You. Truly. Madly. Absolutely. Love You.
I am not trying to prove this, because I know you know this is true. Nor I am trying to give some ultimate test for it. I am trying to tell you that life without you is worth No life in itself.
Don’t hate me for this. Remember me in your sweetest of memories and think of me in the loneliest of times. Whenever you need me I will always be there; With you, In you, In your memories and your heart.
I Love You. I always will…
I stood up with both my hands clasped on the dagger handle. Raising my hand right above my head I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Time
stood still for me as fragments of memories held deep within me began to escape.
We stood there, under the tree, dripping wet from the rain. The sky thundered as bursts of lighting tore it open occasionally. But something else made more noise then the sky that day. My heart. Every beat so loud and clear, I could feel it. It was racing madly and then with your one touch it stopped.
Missed a beat.
My eyes were still closed. My hands entwined around you while my lips refusing to part from yours.
Our first kiss.
In a swift action my hands came down along with the Dagger penetrating into the depths of my gut. My head and legs lurched forward. I lost my balance and fell on my right shoulder. Hitting the ground with a thud.
Thud! The door slammed shut behind me. I could hear you cry as you walked towards our car and opened the door. I could see the tears as you turned the key in the ignition. The car backed away from our driveway, just as you backed away from my life. You left, taking a part of me with you.
My heart froze.
The mirror in front of me showing my own reflection. And my own reflection disgusted me. I walked up to it and punched myself. The glass shattered much like our hearts.
I could feel it. I could feel the pain reaching my chest and then enclosing my heart. I could feel the blood rushing out of my stomach into my hands and on the floor. I could feel the dagger which still lay there, inside me. Pierced to Kill. I stopped breathing now. And now I waited for my heart to beat it’s last.
the voice continued…
I closed my eyes the final time as your image flashed inside.
“We’ll be together Forever, won’t we?” you asked.
“EVEN LONGER”, I replied.
I promised you I will always be there for you. So, believe me, from the corner of the sky I will be watching the most beautiful thing on earth. Promise me you will find me in the sky. Every Night.
It’s a Date!
The counting still going on behind me.
But the number 1 never fell on my ears.
A fake smile,
A million lies,
It’s time to say goodbyes.
Somethings I never told,
with you I wished to grow old,
till our hearts went all cold.
I still remember that first date,
You were an hour late,
as I waited by the front gate.
You came and grabbed my hand,
time slipped away like grains of sand,
all I wanted was for it to not end.
Together we walked for miles,
entered a church with white marbled tiles,
People watched as we kissed in the aisle.
I could taste your lips,
My heart felt like a sinking ship,
As I slid my hands on your hips.
Suddenly everything disappeared,
it brought back my worst fears,
your sound I could not hear.
I woke up with a scream,
Knowing it was all a dream,
as the truth struck me grim.
I didn’t expect a NO,
that was your answer though,
Now where am I supposed to go.
I don’t know what to do,
but what I say is true,
I am still in love with you.
Even though I cried,
to your face I lied,
told you I was all right.
My feelings buried under the ground,
you won’t hear my sound,
I’m going all hell bound.
So much and yet no words to say,
herein the silence lays,
Now we have to part our ways.
That last coffee mug,
You gave me tight hug,
The farewell in the porch over the rug.
Now it’s all over, all over…..
A smile my only cover, cover….
with you gone….
“I LOST MY POWER.”
A fake smile,
A million lies,
It’s time to say goodbyes.
“When we say Goodbye.
It isn’t words that are Hard.
It’s Letting Go.”
The Tavern of Godville – ’Dog’s Inn’.
’Dog’s Inn’ (Commonly mistaken as ’God’s Inn’ which is the sister tavern, present in Dogville) was almost deserted. With only a few doleful souls present at this ungodly hour. Empty beer jugs and passed out heroes adorned the floor. Three tables were still occupied though.
One by the happy couple in the far right corner of the room. Kissing passionately. Or was she one of the prostitutes? It was difficult to tell in the dimly lit room.
The second one, just one table away from ours, was captured by a bruised hero and his arguing friend.
“You should have ducked.”, his friend blasted.
“I did. Rolled over to the side too. But..” the wounded friend replied.
“For God’s sake Morty! How was I to know it would rain daggers at that very spot.”
“Some gods just have to win. EVEN IN A F**KING FRIENDLY SPAR!”, roared the wounded hero., looking towards the worn out ceiling of the tavern.
" You know what? Let’s not spoil our mood over them. Drinks are on me son. Winner’s Pay – that’s the rule!"
“Why do you think I am doing this Rick?”, Morty said as in poured beer on his wounds.
Stings at first but feels good afterwards. I recollect from my own experience.
The karaoke stand on the left, was occupied by Dark Eyes, from the past half an hour. Goodbyes – by was the unlucky song this time around. The lyrics were good, if only is voice was.
What the hell get’s into him sometimes; I wondered.
The last table was ours. Literally! It was “donated” to the tavern by the guild. Legend says, few years ago, Derelict Red came in during the festive season and couldn’t find an empty seat. Enraged by this he had stormed out of the place and vowed never to drink again.
A few days of being sober brought in back to his senses and the next day an expensive looking table made from the finest cherry-wood with the rare deep-red tint had miraculously appeared in front of the tavern. There were reports of theft of 30,000 c.u. from the guild treasury but in was jotted down as accounting error by Malik Red (Derelict’s younger brother. Ironic!)
Anyhow, the Godville times had reported the incident and it quoted Derelict saying, “I vowed never to drink again. Standing!”
In retrospect I feel a few souls had just joined us to get a seat at the table.
“What are you doing Xvesa?” I inquired quizzically.
But Xvesa continued, engrossed in this work. It looked like he was carving something on the table with my “Forsaken Dagger”
“Don’t you get it? It’s our guild symbol [ ƒ ]!” explained Danyale. “He is carving that in the center of the table!”
Without a drink she looked beautiful. With one she looked divine.
Many a times my rambling thoughts had wondered how it would feel like to take her. To be with her; In Her. The jet black hair had enticed me on more than one occasion and those bold red lips only helped the cause. I gazed right in her eyes, her words failing to make any sort of impact on me.
A pat on the back, which felt more like a slap, from Varhn got be back to the real world. I could always count on him to keep me in line. Always!
Not to forget,
But that wouldn’t stop me. Or for that matter – Her. Someday, I thought. Someday…
“We could all use another round, I think!”,said Varhn, again getting me out of my trance.
“Hey Dark Eyes, why don’t you join us.”, I shouted, while quickly scooting to my left so that I would be closer to Danyale.
“Five Lamentations on the Rock [LOTR] please!”, ordered Xvesa. who had finally completed the engraving and passed me my beloved possession.
Cryptess the Inn Keeper arrived with the brew.
“You know it’s my own recipe!” she asserted.
Glasses clinked.The “Wubba Lubba Dub Dub” chant, followed.
For some reason, Rick and Morty sitting on the next table got pretty excited on hearing my motto.
Funny drink this, LOTR. Not a drink designed to be pleasant or alleviating, but rather, it reminds you of all your repressed guilt, heart-rending tragedy, and bitter struggles of your past life.
As my eyes close I find myself caught. Caught between two worlds. One real and one imaginary….
End of Part I