These are the chronicles of The Hero Unknown and his ever-failing attempt to become a Hero Kinda-Known.
- 609 g.e. —
“Dear Exalted One, nothing to report today. I’ve been bitten, scratched, punched, kicked, and severely wounded. In short, business as usual.”
Today was business as usual, but yesterday The Hero Unknown thrilled crowds everywhere with his unusually usual style, his high-powered, high-octane abilities and his utter devotion to me. People everywhere were telling him that he didn’t have the ability. They were telling him that he didn’t deserve to be in the game, that he was overmatched and underqualified. That he should just keep his devotion to me private. But that’s not how The Hero Unknown rolls. When the other team said, “Red Rover, Red Rover, send the Hero Unknown right over,” the stands gasped knowing that he couldn’t break that line. But he did. And he did it as a healthy knight should, by tripping over his shoelace at the last second and throwing himself full forced through the line. That was the turning point. The Beerburgh Keggers won the Red Rover Bowl. They’ll think twice before asking The Hero Unknown to come over again.
- 627 g.e.
In a solemn service held today in the clubhouse of the “First Pantheon of Progress”, The Hero Unknown was formally included into the College of Cardinals. The Prophets Seven and Echocore oversaw the ceremony where not a word was spoken but plenty of hand gestures were exchanged, which led to heated arguments of disparaging looks across the table, thrown flowery centerpieces, and mortar boards full of potato salad stuffed on fellow Guild member’s heads. A great time was had by all and gods had a great chance to use encourage and punish skills to try to clean up the carnage.
When all was said and done, there was over 6 gold pieces worth of damage to the guild table, the guild doctors were paid 20,000 gold coins in overtime payments (which turned out to be 10 gold coins after taxes), and the Hero Unknown couldn’t eat another bite after cleaning up all that potato salad. I think it’s safe to say that the Hero Unknown likes being part of the inner circle.
- 677 g.e.
The Hero Unknown decided today would be the day that he would finally break free of anonymity and become semi-well known throughout the realms of Godville so he did what any other hero seeking fame and fortune would do — he created a song and dance to post in other hero’s diaries. The beat was catchy, the background singers were drunk, and the lyrics were not understandable in the least, making this the perfect song to become famous to. His quest was complete, now the hard part in trying to make the millions of heroes and town residents watch his hard work. He approached one hero and that hero slugged him in the face. He tried to temporarily steal another hero’s diary to put it in there but it was locked with a piece of twine so he couldn’t get it open.
This was not as successful as he thought it would be.
- 717 g.e.
The election of Godville Administrators is fastly approaching and each one was looking for someone to stand up and tell of the greatness of each one to turn the townspeople into mindless robots and vote for each one. See, elections in Godville are either yes or YES! It really was more about the ego trip. So The Hero Unknown was asked to speak at the Administrator Party Convention. This was his chance to become The Hero Semi-Known. He worked on his speech for seconds upon seconds, practiced it, and was ready to speak to the world. The the unthinkable happened. He was upstaged by a chair. The chair gave a thrilling speech about… well, it was more thrilling than anything The Hero Unknown was going to say. So he slinked back into his hole with his brand new pet and wished he could be as brilliant as that chair.
- 777 g.e.
Today was the day. Months of planning, surveying, research and monster fighting led to this. This was the day that The Hero Unknown would become a household name! The Hero Unknown climbed to the highest point in all of Godville and raised his hands. Nobody noticed so I decided it would be a good thing to help him out a little. I sent a little encouragement his way. The sky filled with lightning. Thunder echoed through the halls and alleys of Godville. Everyone stopped, then heard the loud, booming voice of The Hero Unknown as he cleared his throat.
Seeing a slight hesitation, I decided it would be a good time to encourage him again. So I sent more down. This may have been a mistake. The encouragement came down as singing warblers, knocking him off his peak and causing him to fall to the ground 50 feet below. The good news is that he landed on a couple of the warblers. The bad news was they were clad in metal armor so they really didn’t break his fall, just his arm, his leg, a skull fracture, 2 broken fingers, a clavicle sprain, a twisted ankle, a slight concussion and “a partridge in a pear tree” stuck on eternal loop in his mind. My bad. I’ll make up for it somehow.
- 868 g.e.
The Hero Unknown finally has been released from the hospital and is on his quest to gain fame any way possible (of course, that is to say that he did not stay in the hospital the whole time, just that they finally released him as he found the trap door exit accidentally. You see, one day he was going to try to get out of bed and pulled on a switch to assist in his getting out of bed. Little did he know that the switch would tilt the bed up and dump him out by the trash bins outside of the Greasy Godville Geek Grub and Guff. It took him 2 months just to crawl and get back into the bed.) He decided that it was time to exploit his last exploit and make a name out of being the guy who fell from the top of his temple when his god attacked him with warblers.
Entering town square, The Hero Unknown stood tall and opened his mouth. Of course, it was at this point that the god of WannaBeDino, TehDino, encouraged his hero and brought a storm of free beer outside of the town walls. Dejected, The Hero Unknown joined in the non-joyful collection of tasty suds until his heart was not content. Maybe one day.
- 995 g.e.
If The Hero Unknown cannot become famous through his own measures, he decided it would be good to try to get famous through his pet, Dogmeat. After all, Dogmeat was a big, strong Solar Bear, ready to fight on a moments notice and he was a good looking pet. He was so beautiful that the very sight of him brought a tear to your eye.
So the Hero Unknown decided it was time to enter Dogmeat into the West Bumchester Pet Show, sponsored by the Godville Times. Dogmeat was groomed to perfection. All who saw him cried tears of joy. As The Hero Unknown was about to walk him across the runway for judges inspection, Dogmeat burped. Dogmeat usually doesn’t burp so the Hero Unknown went and checked out his mouth to make sure everything was okay. It was at that moment that Dogmeat regurgitated an Are We There Yeti that he ate earlier all over the Hero Unknown.
Videos can be found on GVtube. It is not easy viewing though.
In related news, many bars have stopped selling Dogmeat sandwiches for the connotation it now brings up.
- 1000 g.e.
Today was the big day. It had been one year since the last Red Rover Bowl and people were still talking about how the Beerburg Keggers won last year’s event with the lucky stiff who tripped and broke through the lines, though no one could remember his name. The Hero Unknown knew how to fix this.
Before the game he had a huge sign that he held over his head at the front gate that just said, “IT WAS ME!” He couldn’t figure out why people were giving him the strangest looks until it hit him — there was a sewage break about 20 feet from him. The odor was horrendous.
Not to be deterred, he figured he would interrupt the game and make a grand entrance. When his time came, he began to walk onto the field. Somehow he awoke the dragon mascot from the Last Resort Chicken Hunters who wasn’t too happy about it. The Dragon rose into the air, wings flapping, mouth building fire, and blew out half of the candles lighting the event. Of course, the Hero Unknown was not worried about that. He was running as fast as he could to get out of the stadium and the fiery range of Chicky the Dragon. It took 38 minutes to light all those candles again and 6 catapults of sedatives to calm Chicky.
- 1108 g.e.
In an ever-present attempt to become the Hero Semi-Known, the Hero Unknown has joined forces with the Knights who say Ni. Already known to have a temple and be a pet master (which were featured on page Q-19 of the Godville Times on Black Friday beneath the underwear ad), he is now the newest and lowest ranked member of the illustrious guild. Unfortunately, he’s been stuck mucking the stables since he joined and is gaining the reputation of being the Hero You-Don’t-Want-To-Know.
So that being said, the Hero Unknown was reading the Godville Times and happened to glance at the heroic ratings found on page C-19 below the daily Ideabox Rejection List, and glanced for his name. Yeah, built a temple, taming a new pet, weakly mighty. Then something caught his eye. He was recognized as the most creative hero in all of Godville! This must count for something! Maybe he would now be semi-known throughout Godville for his creativity and ingenuity. But how could he prove it?
He suddenly had an idea. He would create something for the people to occupy their time and entertain them! After all, the creative juices were flowing. So he started to work. His goals were ambitious. Would he create a whole new gaming system… name it Godtendo? Nah, he didn’t have the electricity for that. How about a handheld system — the Godboy Color? He would first have to invent color so that wouldn’t work.
He finally had his great idea! He worked on it all night at the bar in between beers. It was the most beautiful thing his eyes had ever seen. It was what was going to make him famous throughout Godville and the outer colonies.
Gathering all the people of Godville together in the main square by offering a free pizza to the first 10,000,000 people in attendance, excitement was rising as the Hero Unknown walked onto the stage and started talking. He talked about how this was an invention that was going to change life in Godville and make it more exciting and less worrisome. Many thought he had finally found a way to get rid of the monsters. Then he whipped an old tablecloth stained with gravy and beernuts (because nobody ever spills a beer in Godville) to unveil his creation.
Oohs and aahs rose from the crowd and then a collective, “What is it?”
“This is the first game in Godville that will play itself. You hit this lever here and the game will start with this miniature hero running across this field picking up these dots while the ghosts of monsters slain chase after him trying to stop him from getting the dots. You don’t have to do anything, just watch like you are a god and cheer him on. Isn’t that great!”
The people hemmed and hawed, then made a mass exodus with the free pizza in tow. No one bought a game though. They said who would want to play a game like that. So much for being creative.
- 2000 g.e.
The past 892 days had passed without much incident. It was the normal kill a monster, get an item, have his god steal his items to play a game, and hope that Sooba was smart enough not to wander under some monster’s feet until that fateful moment. While fighting against a Shopping Mauler, he got the most unusual artifact from his corpse. It was an invitation. This wasn’t a normal Godville invitation as those are a dime a dozen. This one was special.
He opened the invitation and it said,
You are cordially invited toThe 5th Annual
Dress as Your Favorite Hero Party
At the Home of Clyde the Ghost
In Monsterdam
8:00 pm, g.e. 2000
This was amazing. He was actually invited to a costume party. Maybe he could win the contest and make a name for himself.
He worked hard on his costume. Thinking of what to wear, he decided that if he wore a +88 comb over, a +92 dress rehearsal, a +88 robot devil’s hands, and +88 antigravity boots, no one would mistake him for anyone else but the famous hero, The Hero Unknown. Afterall, who was more his favorite than himself.
The night of the part came and The Hero Unknown wandered up to the door. To his surprise, StaceyC answered the door. She said, “That is the ugliest hero costume I’ve ever seen! Welcome! Go enjoy yourself.” That is what he did. He spent the night dancing with his fellow heroes, drinking the strangest beer he’d ever tasted, and telling stories of how many monsters he killed just that day. His fellow heroes were laughing at his outrageous stories.
Finally, the evening was coming to a close but there was to be the announcement of the winner of the costume contest. Mus Musculus strode to the stage and got everyone’s attention. “I would like to announce the winner of tonight’s costume contest. With the most unrealistic and ugly costume ever seen at this party, the winner is…. that guy right there! Come on up and let everyone know who you are supposed to be!”
His crooked finger pointed around a couple of heroes in front of him and straight at his head. Was it him? He pointed to himself with a questioning look. Mus Musculus knodded and said, “Yeah! It’s you! Come on up and get your prize!”
Rushing up to the stage, everyone clapped and roared in approval. This caught him by surprise. Roared? No matter, he won and he was going to get his prize. When he reached stage, Mus Musculus said, “Congratulations. That costume is so ugly that we had no choice but to give it to you even though we had no clue of who you are supposed to be. So tell us, who are you supposed to be?”
“Well, I’m The Hero Unknown. I think I’ll be able to change my name after today though because you liked me! You really, really liked me!”
“That’s great,” said Mus. “So who are you really now so we can all celebrate monster style?” With that, the heroes all ripped off their heads and revealed that they were all monsters. In fact, most of them looked like monsters that The Hero Unknown had killed earlier in the day. While he may not be smart, he did realize that it was time to make his exit.
“I just realize, I left a souffle in the oven. I’ll be right back!” With that, The Hero Unknown jumped out the window right behind the stage, shattering it to the astonishment of all the monsters in the room. He didn’t stop running until he reached Last Resort.
“You know,” Mus said, “I am beginning to believe that was not a monster but the real… whatever his name was. Who invited him?”