Heroine

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Gertrude the Pink

level 38

Buy Guild Name Cheese!

Age 12 years 8 months
Personality neutral
Guild no guild
Monsters Killed about 30 thousand
Death Count 14
Wins / Losses 14 / 22
Bricks for Temple 29.8%
Pet Bipolar bear Dogmeat 3rd level

Equipment

Weapon paper machete +33
Shield firewall +33
Head The Mask +32
Body cloak of visibility +31
Arms handcuffs of strength +35
Legs WALL-E's tracks +32
Talisman ring of visibility +31

Skills

  • navel clamp level 19
  • eye scream level 18
  • inept singing level 18
  • gnashing of teeth level 13
  • bending chakras level 13
  • rail-bending level 10
  • thumb blowing level 9
  • exhaust of the dragon level 7

Pantheons

Hero has yet to take places in pantheons.

Achievements

  • Honored Renegade
  • Careerist, 2nd rank
  • Animalist, 3rd rank
  • Builder, 3rd rank
  • Champion, 3rd rank
  • Favorite, 3rd rank
  • Martyr, 3rd rank

Hero's Chronicles

The Inexplicable Life of Gertrude the Pink

On the day Gertrude the Pink came into existence, rainbows appeared in black & white… birds flew underwater… cows said “OOM”... and a little mouse crept out of it’s hidey hole to shake paws with a cat.

In other words, things got all f&%@ed up.

And such was the life that Gertrude was given to live by the goddess Lunamoth, who quite possibly was feeling bored and cranky that day due to her discovering a lack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, flat diet Dr.Pepper, and an empty bottle of baby powder.

Gertrude’s life followed much the same pattern as did her day of birth. Everything she tried to do ended with the opposite result. Her parents gave her to the local blacksmith in exchange for some broken horseshoes. The blacksmith traded her to the baker for three loaves of moldy bread and a bag of two day old cheese Danishes. The baker let her live with the crazy hermit who lived in a cave next to the police station because he owed the hermit for some incomprehensible words of not-quite wisdom. And the hermit just ignored her completely, unless he had just taken a bath in which case he used her as a towel rack.

On her 18th birthday, Gertrude packed up her meager belongings and set out into a world she had never experienced, with less than minimal education and no fashion sense at all.

There were several fruitless attempts at Arena fighting in the town of Godville, but since her average was…. less than stellar… she gave up on it for the time being. Somehow, though, despite avoiding the Arena duels, traveling heroes h heroines would inevitably attack her. they must have sensed her vulnerability and quite frequently would give her a good drubbing and steal her possessions, leaving her with not even a cent to her name to buy a beer to drown her sorrows in.

There was one bright spot in Gertrude’s otherwise randomly unfortunate life, and that was her pet – Woody the Rocky raccoon. her first pet had met its end quickly, but Woody somehow managed to survive, and even thrive under Gertrude’s inept care. He had reached the 7 th level by the time she wad halfway through her 24 th level and she attributed her string of better than normal luck to his presence.

00:35: A fierce rustling in my backpack ended with an aura of audibility appearing around me.

Sometimes Gertrude’s goddess felt generous and would bestow her blessings…

20:51: Felt my purse lighten a lot and then a golden brick dropped into my palm from my sleeve. Holy magic!

Other times the great goddess Lunamoth sat back and marveled at the true naivete and lack of common sense that Gertrude displayed.

The heroine became a member of the “Guild Name” Guild. She wad welcomed among them and quickly rose through the ranks, mostly in part to the cheesemaking courses she had taken. Cheese was in high demand and Gertrude wasmore than happy to have as job other than killing monsters and losing skirmishes.

Upon discovering the ultimate in cheese, BaconCheese, Gertrude opened”Ye Olde Bacon Cheese Shop ” with the motto “where all the cheese has bacon, unless there isn’t any, in which case the cheese has none”. It was this sort of circular logic and random combinations that Gertrude was known for.

It is uncertain whether or not the baconcheese shop succeeded or not, since Gertrude was very much distracted by the various sheriffs, magicians, and odd looking characters that kept telling her what to do. Despite her many New Years Resolutions to the contrary, she was never able to refuse a quest, even if it seemed ridiculous, arduous, or even life-threatening.

Unfortunately during the relative prosperity of the Baconcheese Shop era, Gertrude was still plagued by the same collection of random occurrences and inexplicable happenings that she had suffered her whole life. Included in this was the tragic death of her beloved rocky raccoon Woody. it took her a while to notice his absence, and once she did she wandered around blankly until another quest was presented to her. She still didn’t understand the purpose of these quests, but she felt oddly compelled to complete them. And anyway, it allowed her to conveniently forget about Woody.

All the while the great goddess Lunamoth was sitting on her divine couch, eating a bowl of heavenly popcorn, and watching Gertrude’s exploits. She found them fascinating, like a train wreck you just can’t stop staring at even if you know you should because it’s horrible. Several hours were pleasantly wasted in this fashion.

Inexplicably, Gertrude would occasionally resort to petty crime, even though the goddess Lunamoth did her best to guide her in the right direction. And, inevitably, Gertie was caught. ..

14:37: Suddenly felt a strong urge to open the mystery box. I shouldn't have — there was a note inside saying that 714 points of my experience were achieved by dishonest means and would be confiscated until further notice.