Chapter 1 (Birth)
The tale of Kimiko Kamikaze begins in a small remote village occupied by the infamous ‘Wii Kiel Yoo Qietli’ ninja clan.
She was born of two prominent ninjas; her mother named Iam’mae Kila and her father named I’kiel Yoo. Her birth was to be the most joyous yet as she was their 13th child and 13 was the couple’s lucky number. Unexpectedly, however, the labor turned out to be the worst of any in the entire history of the clan. It took her mother 13 days to deliver Kimiko and upon her arrival everyone sensed something was horribly wrong.
Kimiko was not only born the size of a full-grown adult, but also morbidly obese despite her parent’s thin and fit statures. The pregnancy and delivery were phenomena and all were certain a curse had befallen the village. Kimiko was shunned by everyone. While the clan elders deliberated over her fate, Kimiko took refuge in the village granaries.
Chapter 2 (Death)
The elders decided the curse could only be lifted (and that the village would only survive the winter with enough food) if a ritual of Seppuku was performed to honor the Goddess Kiri Hara. Thus, Kimiko was ordered to kill herself.
On the night of the sacrifice, Kimiko was escorted to the center of room to a large pillow facing a sacrificial dagger. The entire village watched in eager silence. Kimiko stared at the dagger and then her tummy began to rumble.
Unable to concentrate, Kimiko scanned the room for her parents. Her father glared at her making stabbing gestures toward his stomach, while her mother sharpened a shuriken with only a look of disgust to offer. It was then Kimiko noticed her older brother Iwil’kiel Yoo eating a bag of popcorn. Unable to withstand the hunger, she rolled to a standing position and shuffled toward her brother’s food.
Despite her best efforts, she was stopped by a guard who ordered her back to suicide duty. Unable to bear the thought of dying hungry, she flatly refused. The guards assembled around her and attacked all at once but were shocked to find Kimiko’s body so thick and rubbery their katana merely slid off her or bounced them backward onto the ground.
Her parents, convinced they dishonored their clan, rushed towards the middle of the room. They fought each other over the sacrificial dagger and after a long and drawn out scene finally both committed Seppuku. Kimiko watched in silenced as she sat on her brother and ate his delicious popcorn.
Chapter 3 (Leaving Home)
It didn’t take long for the village granaries to be barren and the entire clan to starve to death. Wandering aimlessly around looking for food scraps or small animals, Kimiko stumbled across a wayside shrine in the shape of a crow. Just as she began gnawing on a stone wing, she was struck with a lightning bolt. “Stop eating my shrine, chubby ninja!” grumbled her Goddess.
“I’m not chubby; I’m just big-boned!” retorted Kimiko. Kimiko was pummeled by lightning bolts for several months thereafter for her insolence. As a result, she became quite agile and would soon stumble across larger civilizations in the world of Godville.
Kiri Hara forced her to go on purposeless quests, fight heroes in an arena and build her a temple of gold. She was certain this exercise regiment would get Kimiko in shape and teach her some much needed discipline. Instead, Kimiko became a raging alcoholic and all the booze just went straight to her thighs.
Chapter 4 (Love)
Despite her Goddess’ explicit order that Kimiko lead a life of celibacy, Kimiko long for love. She secretly looked for it day and night.
One night at a tavern, Kimiko was practicing her daily routine of binge drinking. She peered around the tavern at patrons hoping to make eye contact with literally anyone of the opposite sex. Then, she saw him.
He tried to enter the tavern, but was escorted out for indecent exposure since he wore nothing but a fig leaf on his shoulder. While the tavern might have a strict rule of “No clothes, No service”, Kimiko’s standards were quiet different.
She quickly skipped out on her tab and ran after the hero to get his name and, with any luck, his hand in marriage. Unfortunately, she was too late; he was already gone. She asked the bouncer if he knew the hero’s name and he replied “Who, that pervert? That’s Olav Asveinn.” Kimiko was instantly in love.
To this day, she searches the land of Godville for this man, the man of her dreams.
Disclaimer: No ninjas were harmed during the making of these chronicles.