Hero

Simon Templer 6

level 131
trader level 4

Help!.. I mean...♘Ni!♞

Age 13 years 2 months
Personality pure evil
Guild Knights who say Ni
(elderni)
Monsters Killed about 815 thousand
Death Count 221
Wins / Losses 75 / 54
Temple Completed at 05/30/2012
Ark Completed at 09/07/2018 (390.2%)
Pairs Gathered at 01/28/2021
Book Written at 12/26/2023
Souls Gathered 9.06%
Shop “Bricks and Mortar”
Pet Lightning colt Sane 6th level
Boss Zodiyak with 132% of power

Equipment

Weapon kickaxe +144
Shield content filter +145
Head invisible mask +144
Body sea's cape +144
Arms blood pressure cuffs +144
Legs leap-of-faith boots +145
Talisman null pointer +145

Skills

  • brain dilution level 154
  • poisoned kiss level 149
  • falcon punch level 147
  • rickrolling level 143
  • slap of the whale level 127
  • quantum leap level 124
  • save-load level 123
  • dove of peace level 123
  • frost bite level 122
  • selfish interest level 121

Feats

  • ⓶ Visit the trader with two identical coupons
  • ⓶ Feed hungry tribbles with regular ones
  • ⓶ Fill out the newspaper bingo completely
  • ⓵ Take personality to the extreme
  • ⓵ Dig up and defeat three bosses
  • ⓵ Die to a monster and lose 15k gold
  • ⓵ Befriend Godville Administrator

Pantheons

Gratitude195
Might552
Templehood1029
Gladiatorship6533
Storytelling180
Mastery555
Taming2895
Survival950
Savings688
Destruction4
Arkeology1715
Catch1900
Wordcraft1247
Soulfulness1190
Unity2
Popularity3
Duelery6
Adventure5

Achievements

  • Honored Animalist
  • Honored Favorite
  • Honored Renegade
  • Honored Saint
  • Builder, 1st rank
  • Fiend, 1st rank
  • Freelancer, 1st rank
  • Martyr, 1st rank
  • Moneybag, 1st rank
  • Savior, 1st rank
  • Scribbler, 1st rank
  • Shipwright, 1st rank
  • Careerist, 2nd rank
  • Champion, 2nd rank
  • Hunter, 2nd rank
  • Miner, 2nd rank
  • Coach, 3rd rank
  • Raider, 3rd rank
  • Scientist, 3rd rank
  • Seadog, 3rd rank
  • Soulcatcher, 3rd rank

Hero's Chronicles

On the day that Simon Templer was born, a thundering, glorious voice sounded from the heavens above, to all of Godville and the surrounding villages below, shaking the ground and causing nearby volcanos to errupt…

‘Oops!’

Yes, Simon Templer (not to be confused with Simon Templar, although Templer does claim to be a distant relation of his, despite Templar’s public disownment of him) was not what Jewelz (his goddess), or anyone else for that matter, expected. However, Jewelz is a faithful goddess, and raised Simon up to be a handsom, couragous, intelligent, charming, honest and charismatic young man.

Of course Jewelz is still raising him up, with much encouragement. You never can rush these things…

On the 501st day of Simon Templer’s existence, Simon Templer finished building his goddess’ Temple:

04:39: Carefully placed the last brick, swept all the rooms, opened all doors, and cut the ribbon in a stately manner with my sword. I can’t believe ni’s finally happened! After all these months of work, the temple in your name is finished, my Lady! I feel crazy with happiness.

Ni has been prophesied by the great goddess Jewelz that when Simon Templer reaches the exact age of about 612 days, he will reach the rank of Prophet in the mighty guild ‘Knights who say Ni’. This will be a pleasing achievement in the eyes of Jewelz, who, having made this profound prophesy, feels proud of her hero in anticipation of his pending success.

So ni was, at about 612 days of age Simon Templer became a Prophet of the guild ‘Knights who say Ni’.

Hmmm..

12:23: Heard a loud growl. I really hope that was just my stomach… Nope, it’s a Monstrous Appetite!

Some time later…

10:05: Oh look, a Monstrous Appetite. Not again…

10:09: Finished off the Monstrous Appetite with a fatal kick to its head and picked up an unhappy meal.

QuestN°1000: Travel east until ending up in the west (epic).

Along his journey, Simon Templer had picked up five faithful pets. He tried hard to look after them, but this backfired each time as his pets each ended their lives by heroically throwing themselves, body and soul, into a monster to save their beloved owner from dying yet again. His last faithful animal, a double dragon, however, managed to reach level 32 before that fateful day, and by a miraculous chance did not die, but retired and kept to following his owner around like the faithful animal he was.
08:14: I didn’t manage to heal up my pet’s wound in time. Well, Pinky, your regenerating abilities will help you to recover, but I think level-ups and pantheons are not for you anymore. On the other hand, who needs these silly things anyway?

At the age of 735 days old, Simon Templer had the honour of appearing in the renouned Godville Times Newspaper. He received this honour by… well, who knows?

Weekend Godville; #746 Day 985 g.e.

Simon Templer – 67th-level adventurer, member of the “Knights who say Ni” guild, with the motto “I’m busy!♘So Ni!♞”, stands at the 126th position in the pantheon of gratitude under the vigilant supervision of the goddess Jewelz. His worst enemy – a Charlie’s Angel. Favorite trophy – something that looks like a disposable tombstone. He is also a huge fan of Last Resort’s pubs.

At 2792 days of age, Simon Templer completed building his first ark. Slow, isn’t he.

07:37 A log! A thousandth log! I’m even ready for a flood now. Not that I’m asking for it, Great One.

Hey! Who has been writing all this nonsense in my chronicles? Yes, MY chronicles, that means these chronicles are mine, for me and me alone to write in! And if you are reading this, well! Mind your manners and don’t be nosey! At least, not too nosey…

I suppose I should be the gentleman that I am and introduce myself. My name is Templer, Simon Templer. Distant relative of the famous Simon Templar, or ‘The Saint’, as many people like to call him. Yes, we are like brothers, him and I. Always fighting or argueing over something. Usually who is the better hero. Of course, we all know that I am, afterall, I am the one who kills monsters all day, I am the one who has built a temple, and I am the one with two shiny gold badges to prove how heroic I am. Him? Ha! He just rescues damsels in distress and solves petty crime.

Well, now I have introduced myself, it (sorry, my goddess cannot stand that word, absolutely insists that I use ‘ni’ instead) ni is your turn.

To shy, are we? Nevermind! Cheer up, I won’t force you to tell me your name. I shall just have to do all the talking… or am I writing? Trouble is, I do so much writing ni feels like talking, and consequently talking is like writing… Whatever I am doing I will have to do by myself. Ahem, excuse me while I just fight this Argyle Gargoyle, will you? Won’t take a minute…

Sorry about that, got to be done, you know. Oh, don’t worry about the blood, ni isn’t mine. Let me just brush myself down… wipe back my hair… there we go. Now, where were we? Oh yes! We, or rather I, was talking or writing about who I am, who you might be and how wonderful I am. I like that subject. I am a wonderful person, believe me. Really, I should know, I have lived with myself all my life. Ever since I was born I have been a hero. Those who know me will tell you. Ask them. They will nod with widened eyes and say that I was and am very special.

What’s that you say? You’re getting tired of my- Oh, I am sorry! Where are my manners? Why don’t you join me for a drink? I believe there is a bar a few milestones down the road, I’ll take you there, where we can chat, or I can talk, or write, over a cold beer. That happens to be one of my talents; I can hold my liquor like no other! I’ll show you, if you’d like? Off we go then!

This is the place! What will you have? Oh, I forgot. You’re the silent one. Ok, waiter? Waitress? Barmaid? Hello?! Ah, keep us topped up here for today would you? Or for as long as we are here, we might be here a while. Here’s 4028 gold coins in advance, keep the change. We’ll start with two cold beers, each, and then you can suprise us with our next drinks. Hah, I hope you don’t mind mixing your drinks, o silent one.

Well, about me. Ni all began when I was born. Well, I suppose what I mean is I began when I was born. I was born during a great thunderstorm. The sky was dark grey, huge clouds rolled about as the wind tore through anything that stood in ni’s path. Except the house in which I was born, of course. Great booms of thunder shook the house, rain lashed down and visibility, well, there was no visibility, except when great flashes of both sheet and fork lightning filled the sky. During those seconds, the face of a woman, no, a lady, both beautiful and terrifying, could be seen peering down through the clouds from the heavens above, looking directly at the house in which I was being born. Directly at it! Ni, I mean, sorry. Spooky, don’t you think? At least, that’s what I was told when I was older by a cranky old man whom people told me to avoid… never understood why they didn’t want me to speak with him.

Excuse me. Waitress!! Where are our drinks?! I didn’t pay you all that gold because I enjoy wasting money, you know!

_____
Notes

Day 3879 g.e.

17:18 I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Satan Claus, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Woody. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.

19:23 Hear me, satan claus! By the will of the my Goddess, you shall be called “Diamonddog” from now on!

At 3666 days old, on Day 3916 g.e.

13:44 Omnipotent One, I just re-counted the pairs and I think the ark now has a thousand of them. We’re not going to cram another thousand in there, are we?

At 3771 days old, on Day 4021 g.e.

21:33 It’s alive… It’s alive, it’s moving, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE!

Thus was created Zodiyak, Simon Templer’s very own lab boss at 132% power.

Followed by:

21:54 Woke up from a deep sleep to find my drool had formed an interesting pattern on my pillow. Copied it down.

…Lovely way to start writing a holy book.

After Diamonddog “Infernal”, satan claus, reached lvl. 30, he pegged it. He’d only been lvl 30 for a few days when he gallantly saved my hero, to his own cost, and I’d just been wondering if I should stick him in the ark. Managed to send Simon Templer to town with 20k lining his pockets, but he blew 12k on booze. I tried again, this time with 52k gold and 30 loot items. With about 45h left on the timer, it worked, and I sent Diamonddog to join Pinky in the ark. The following day:

Day 4106 g.e.

10:03 After vanquishing the Presidential Seal, I noticed a pair of tear-brimmed eyes peering out from under the bushes. Wracked by guilt, I took the baby-monster’s shaking hand and adopted it as my pet. I’ll name him Null.

12:39 I knew I should have checked my presidential seal for a collar. Turns out his name is actually Falldog! That explains why he never listens to me.

12:39 Falldog suddenly raised his muzzle and howled with all his might. The Cast Iron Man and its fellows dispersed, shrieking with fear.

Heheh, I like that.

     ‘Fall dog is cool and smart,
     Smart time breaks the heart,
     Fall dog bombs the moon,
     Just a dog...
     A devil in the market place,
     A devil in your bleeding face,
     Fall dog bombs the moon,
     Water dog.’  (‘What a dog.’)
'Fall Dog' by David Bowie

Having reached level 31, it was time send Falldog into the ark. He reached level 31 on day 4447 g.e.

Day 4449 g.e.:

17:23 After vanquishing the Battle Toad, I noticed a pair of tear-brimmed eyes peering out from under the bushes. Wracked by guilt, I took the baby-monster’s shaking hand and adopted it as my pet. I’ll name him Dumbo.

Decided to stick the Battle Toad in the ark. I was hoping for an Unbearable Grizzly, but on Day 4453 g.e. got this instead:

20:06 After vanquishing the Crypt Creeper, I noticed a pair of tear-brimmed eyes peering out from under the bushes. Wracked by guilt, I took the baby-monster’s shaking hand and adopted it as my pet. I’ll name him Stubby.

A Crypt Creeper will do.

Day 4471 g.e.

03:25 Well, Yassassin, enjoy your new name for eternity, because even the Most Righteous One can’t undo it now.

Attempted to get an Unbearable Grizzly pet again. Stuck Yassassin, “Eternal”, lvl 31, in the ark. Got a Frog of War instead. Hmmphf. Into the ark with ye, you croaker! Out comes Yassassin again.

Then got a Battle Toad… then a Battle Hamster… then an Insomni-Yak! Grrr!

To make yet more space in the ark, quickly, on Day 4691 g.e. I released Diamonddog, Satan Claus lvl 30, into the wild. Never quite liked how the name turned out and another Satan Claus can be procurred at any level.

11:18 After such a glorious battle with the Insomni-Yak, I could not bring myself to deliver the finishing blow. Instead, he will be my new companion. Come along, Nibbler, let’s go questing!

18:13 You’ve been getting on my nerves for a long time, Diamonddog. Now go away and don’t look back, so you won’t see my tears.

…and on Day 4693 g.e. after fighting and failng to tame an unbearable grizzly, the stupid hero went off and got another battle toad. Hmmpff!

00:20 I was just about to defeat the Battle Toad when he pulled out a beer and offered it to me. Hey, I could use a good drinking buddy. Slapped a collar on him and named him Simba. He looks like he’s regretting his choice now.

A few hours later…

05:06 Died from natural causes. After all, it is pretty natural to die when an angry Fragmatist crushes you.

…Pretty natural to die when you make your goddess angry too. You can stay dead. 💀

Day 4812 g.e. – Exactly 1 year from when I started my attempt for an Unbearable Grizzly.

Hooray! I’m so pleased. After a long wait and only a couple more hero levels to go (currently lvl 27) before the available time was up, I freed up a space on the ark (goodbye battle hamster) and twice sent this godvoice (though I know this apparently doesn’t make any difference):

08:16 I hear that mothers have begun singing their children to sleep with your verse, Angry One:
Find an Unbearable Grizzly.
Fight it.
Tame it.
I want one.

17:17 Almighty, your verse was spread by the heralds:
Find an Unbearable Grizzly.
Fight it.
Tame it.
I want one.

Then, this happened:

17:25 I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Unbearable Grizzly, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Sooba. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.

17:52 Divine enlightenment politely made it clear that I was calling my pet by the wrong name all this time. I’ll be calling him Lazarus from now on!

17:55 This calligraphy inscribed itself in my diary:
Thank you!
At last!
An Unbearable Grizzly pet!
A friend to last.

18:03 Watched Lazarus sleep as he cuddled against my leg. Aw, what a cute little unbearable grizzly…

See! See!! Stupid hero for not taming one sooner.

18:12 Lazarus stole a box of short fuses for me.

Well that was unexpected.

       Look up here, I'm in Heaven 
       I've got scars that can't be seen 
       I've got drama, can't be stolen 
       Everybody knows me now
       Look up here, man, I'm in danger 
       I've got nothing left to lose 
       I'm so high, it makes my brain whirl 
       Dropped my cellphone down below
       Ain't that just like me?
'Lazarus' by David Bowie

On day 4930 g.e. Simon Templer fought and defeated his 777777th monster:

05:06
Enemy: Aimless Archer

Fighting at 612th milestone:

“It’s right behind me, isn’t it?”
Brandishing Lazarus by his tail instead of using a weapon…
Pretending it didn’t hurt…
Wishing he had a stunt double…
Getting dazed and confused for 2 hp…
Trying to scare the Aimless Ärcher with a loud roar…
“It’s good to be bad!”

05:08 Upon its defeat, the Aimless Archer allowed me to choose between its could-have bean or 9 coins. I chose both.

Quite an unremarkable fight really.

On day 4972 g.e. Simon Templer fought and defeated his 789789th monster:

Enemy: Gameplay Mechanic

Fighting at 599th milestone:

Failing to negotiate with the Gameplay Mechanic…
Deviating from established protocols…
Watching carefully, hoping to pick up some new moves from the Gameplay Mechanic…
Trying to play truant but getting schooled for 3 hp…
Having trouble aligning expectations with actual results…
Thrusting his weapon with gusto…
The Gameplay Mechanic is discharging negative energy…
Nearly walking into that one…
Hitting the nail on the head of the Gameplay
Mechanic…
The Gameplay Mechanic is sweeping the floor with the hero for 6 hp…
The Gameplay Mechanic and the hero are talking through their parental issues…
The Gameplay Mechanic is attacking and missing…
Adhering to the rules of engagement…
“Ta-da! Jazz hands!”

11:20 The Gameplay Mechanic thanked me for the impromptu sparring match, paid me 19 coins and promised to pre-book next time.

I’m so sorry if you read all that. That was truly boring.

Day 4974 g.e. in Beerburgh, with 44,449 gold:

08:52 A vense floated in front of my eyes:
Save your gold coins, Knight!
Save for your retirement!
Save your gold coins!

08:52 Great One, if I don’t respond in five minutes, just wait a little longer.

08:52 Completely forgot why I walked into the bank.
Reluctantly deposited 34759 gold coins out of embarrassment.

08:53 Oh my goddess, can’t believe that I saved all this money! Finally I can have my very own shop!

To note, at this point, Templer has written 99.075% of his my holy book.

He was so eager to start his new found work retirement that he entered of his own accord:

21:44 Time to roll my sleeves up and get to work.
This inventory isn’t going to sell itself.

21:47 You know, in the right light, all the dust floating around in here actually looks rather magical.

21:51 Something thundered nearby. Almighty, give it up, I’m retired now.

21:51 I must have a pinhole in the shop’s anti-divine coating, because my Lady’s influence warmed up my cup of tea.

On Day 4978 g.e. – The Completion of the holy book “Saintly Scribbles”, by Simon Templer.

05:35 Notes from the battlefield: Snowflakes formed into snowballs. Snowballs turned into a snowdrift. From the snowdrift, the Snowman majestically arose. →

05:40 Notes from the battlefield: The Snowman was used up for gold and experience! Heading to town to heal and guzzle the loot. →

05:41 Obeying a strange desire, I diligently rubbed the vial of holiday spirit until it completely disappeared, making me nearly perfectly healthy.

05:41 I saw firsthand an artifact disappearing from my inventory, only to find two glyphs for the Book in its place. It’s a miracle!

05:41 Took the fireworks set in my hands, closed my eyes and made a wish. The thing immediately turned into a glyph for the Book.

05:41 Wrote down the thousandth word into the holy book, took a deep breath and snapped my numb fingers. Hallelujah, my Lady, the great work is done!

and immediately after:

05:41 Switched to stealth mode. Now I don’t know where l am.

05:42 Hope that this approaching + Soul Matey will also bring its soul to the fight.

05:42 A sudden shower of meteorites fell all around the i Soul Matey causing it to cower in fear. I picked one up and hit the monster with it myself. You don’t believe in giving anything away for free, do you, Mighty One?

05:42 I channeled my fury from within and lunged at the Soul Matey. Thanks for the power, my Lady!

05:43 Lazarus sneezed into the Soul Matey’s eye, sending it into anaphylactic shock.

05:43 Extracted a restless soul out of the frail body of the monster.

On Day 4980 g.e.

08:33 Wow, I am level 130 now!