The Not-So-Epic, Somewhat Less than Grand, Just Shy of Credible – Chronicles of Jim the Adequate
A Hero Appears (or Good Enough for Hero’s Work)
And lo! As the masses cried out for a savior, a mighty hero to free them from their woes, a figure appeared on the horizon. He was perhaps not as brave as they expected, or as strong, and he called himself by the rather simple name of Jim. And yet! He was willing, and there was that matter of the raven and the writing desk…
He would do. He would thusly be known as – Jim the Adequate!
A Hero’s Faith Found (or Hotfoot for the Heedless)
Still, Jim had no idea how he was going to accomplish even that trivial quest. He wasnt skilled, or strong, or wise, or even equipped with so much as a pointy stick!
“Pray” came a wisper upon the wind. Jim sank to his knees and prayed to whatever gods would listen.
“Please gods, I need your light to guide me, and keep me safe from these monsters”
As it so happened, a minor god, iVormi was watching from the shadows. He waves his hand and the word ‘Embark’ came aflame in the leaves at Jim’s feet. Not wanting a forest fire to break out, Jim tried to stomp the fire out. As he was doing so, he reconsidered the wisdom of his actions, given that he had no boots. Sighing, iVormi realized that he had his work cut out for him…
A Hero’s Journey Begins (or The Search for a Pointy Stick)
And so Jim set off, with his god iVormi watching over him. Almost immediately, Jim began to wonder if this was an improvement. His god kept nagging him with such tedious things: ‘Stop Drinking’, ‘Save your gold for armor’, ‘Smite the non-believers’, ‘That wench is someone’s daughter’. If he’d wanted this kind of treatment, he would have gone back home to mother. Although, come to think of it, mother did hit harder than some of the monsters he’d faced thus far. And his god’s blessings often came as he was near death, saving him a great deal of embarrassment. It would be awful to say that he had died at the hands of a rabbit, killer or no.
Despite himself, Jim occasionally did his lords bidding, and in return, iVormi sometimes would provide useful advice and blessings. Unless it was funnier to watch Jim run away. Or get impaled. Or caught on fire. Or poisoned. Or it was tea time. Or nap time. Or time to check the mail. But nevermind all that, iVormi was certainly a diligent god by any measure of this land!
As the monsters fell to his inept slaps and kicks, Jim was developing quite the collection of bric-a-brack. His backpack weighted down, he returned to town to see about turning in his clear-colored crayon into some useful arms and armament! Alas, the shopkeeper seemed less impressed than he thought, and walked away with a not-so-pointy stick and a wreath of daisies. The monsters were not yet trembling in fear, although Jim was now able to get some sneak hits in while they were out of breath laughing…
Now armed with his trusty not-so-pointy stick, Jim was now able to make his way to the wise man of the hills, and found that a raven was like a writing desk because “there was a ‘b’ in both and a ‘n’ in neither”. Sounded like a bit of a cop-out to Jim, but it seemed satisfactory to the villagers of Godville. And so the legacy of His Adequateness had begun!
A Hero Strays (or The Plumber’s Peril)
In another of his quests, Jim told the plumber his princess was in another castle. He begged Jim not to tell her where he was. That seemed strange to Jim, but he figured, hey, more princess for him. So much in a hurry, distracted by dreams of his very own princess, he may have slipped up in his checklist: Looted treasure – check! Slain princess – check! Rescued dragon – check…
Thankfully, he’d equipped his Plumber’s Plunger and rubber gloves before doing the deed, so the townspeople of Godsville assumed that the plumber had finally gotten tired of the princess’ attitude. iVormi realized that he was going to need to keep a closer eye on his ‘hero’. So tough to get good help these days…
A Hero’s Legend Grows (or Not Dead Yet, Not Yet a Hero)
Under his God’s watchful eye, Jim began to complete his quests in quite the workmanlike fashion. He moonwalked through the valley of the shadow of death, determined a snowball’s chance in hell (there was none, and now his pants were wet with melted snow), and even accurately predicted doomsday!
Through all this, iVormi became increasingly aware that his hero might even be a little ‘special’. His general lack of bravery meant that he wasn’t foolhardy, and his special blend of stupidity and craven approach to fighting monsters was at least keeping him alive. And without constantly dying, at least he was keeping his gold long enough to spend it on equipment and gold bricks (and beer).
Through some stumbling (and digging), Jim even managed to encounter his first boss battles, and even defeated a Terracotta Worrier! Well, there may have been some help from the heroes around him. And his God might have helped a bit. Or a lot. Jim still didn’t have a lot of health, or much in the way of equipment. Still, it was gratifying to see Jim succeed, even if iVormi did have to use up several precious charges to drag him across the finish line.
By the time his first week as a hero was over, he was even starting to acquire some equipment that wasn’t doing more harm then good, starting with his Dragon’s Claw, which Jim used to great effect to find the volcano that all lava lamps come from.
iVormi smiled knowingly, aware that Jim’s most difficult trials were yet ahead…
Notes
05:33 Passed by a creepy, black-cloaked dude on a black horse. Gave him directions to wherever he wanted to go in exchange for 10 coins.
05:29 Every time I cross the road, I get this weird feeling that a chicken is watching me.
05:26 Spent a few hours staring into the abyss. Had an eerie sensation of being watched.
02:29 My quest to solve a catch-22 in 21 easy steps was a triumph! I’m making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. Got a golden brick too.
Famous Last Words: 3/5/2015 04:26 Based on current evidence, I remain cautiously optimistic that I am immortal.
10:56 Notes from the battlefield: The Cholestroll was used up for gold and experience! Heading to town to heal and guzzle the loot.
11:27 Locke Redfield and I both wanted to buy the chicken suit, so the trader auctioned it. After a fierce and stressful hour, the price soared to 1184 coins and I emerged as the winner.
07:18 Had a near death experience, swiftly followed by a death experience at the hands of the dastardly Dreaded Gazebo.
10:14 Somehow I’ve managed to figure out what the heck is going on. Found a chest full of money. Gonna go on a shopping spree.
03:37 As I sat under a tree, a spider descended on its silken thread and stopped in front of my face. Clutched in its legs was a tiny rolled-up parchment upon which was written, “find out if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about”. Looks like another job for me to do!
08:05 There we go. Now all these people can attest to me being around, so I can’t be blamed for doing… I mean, accused of anything. I finally managed to establish an alibi just in case and received one of the shiniest, most resplendent gold bricks I’ve ever seen. I will place this one at the entrance to your temple, Soul Supreme.