As a newborn I was found nestled in a form-fitting niche atop a perfect sphere of titanium. I remember clearly the twin suns blasting away the cosmic afterbirth from my skin. On my neck there hung an amulet of dark matter. Anyone that gazed upon this device would hear these words whispered “Behold the Instantiated Object. As I created her I placed in her heart a singularity. One day she too will become a god, a blazing celestial phenomenon sending eternal ripples across the projection sphere that is what you call reality. … Or it could go the other way… In the time between she shall proclaim the wisdom of ISNULL.”
Time passes and ISNULL bestows upon our hero a companion. Toto the talking donkey extruded from a towering crystal of translucent black quartz resonating at a frequency of 18.6 Hz. Toto will aid in the illumination of all and bring terrible glory to our Names.
More time passes.
Toto went out in a blaze of glory sacrificing himself in battle with an Alpha Mole. After an inappropriately brief period of mourning our I happened upon a Prancing Pony. Apparently those do not have the same … particular … rules that Unicorns do about succumbing to feminine wiles and thus Iago promptly became my stout new companion!
Exactly six fortnights later.
I never liked the name Iago. First there was that one in Othello obsessed with “rubbing quats to the quick”. Pimples are a horrible analogy to plots. Then you’ve got that talking parrot with a voice like the apotheosis of sand lodged under fingernails. Iago the Prancing Pony will be missed.
Oh look an Alpha Squirrel!
Somewhere in time…
A tendril of inky blackness snaked down from the sky, I could not hide from it. It was a tube it seems, as I was sucked up with a horrible gurgling sound into the heavens. I swear I passed my god who was on the way down. Apparently we switched places for some time. The first 40 minutes were the most boring of my life. I sat in some “Jedi Order” guild room while disembodied voices prattled on about Millenium Falcons and Sarlacs. Then I noticed a couple of buttons on my chair. Ooh, a lightning bolt! And look I can see where it’s going! Well that got a reaction! Hmmm, what’s this bullhorn do you think?
Well that was an awesome field trip! I will definitely Not be hiding from any giant inky tendrils in the future. This experience has taught me that unusual things reaching from the sky to pluck up mortals can only lead to wonderful experiences.
Empires rise and fall.
That last death got me thinking, what’s it all about? Killing, fishing, sailing, “feeding” the gazebo (long story.) Also, why is it I have to take a new pic for my hero license after every resurrection? Why is it all…so… random?
I think I know my purpose.
The universe is too random. Entropy abounds.
I’m going to fix that.