22/02/2011: To show gratitude for the guild surgeon patching me up again, I helped that strange troll, Wiki, compile the history of our guild for her archives. It must have been divinely inspired – I don’t even understand most of those polisyllab… pollysillab… long words.
15/03/2011: I let a fine-looking Ghostly Firefox slip through my fingers without taming it because I’m dumb and stupid and I smell. Also, I keep hitting myself for some reason. I think my Lord is peeved.
16/03/2011: I woke up in a drunken haze in Beerburgh to find a new, beautiful emblem had appeared on our guildhall. My Lord, I always suspected you were an artist…
21/03/2011: I woke up with a fuzzy tongue, a piercing headache and words of light seared onto the insides of my eyelids: New message from Gordianus – Hey, nice guild emblem! It looks like you’re the soul of your guild. That’s nice. Great One, can I have five more minutes?
01/04/2011: I’ve tamed a Dust Bunny! That’s basically the same as a Firefox, right? Why are you looking so wrathful, Great One?
08/04/2011: We’ve found a piece of the Apple of Immortality! But stupid Stitch wants it for himself. I can see him watching me sidelong, plotting to kill me in my sleep!! Great One, what should I do?
09/05/2011: Wandering around the guildhall in a cloud of alcohol fumes looking for my missing sock, I was startled by a slap on the back and the news that I’ve been promoted to Grand Master. I quickly found out why this was: my guildmates had spotted my interview on the front page of the Godville Times. Even Wiki, that strange troll, has finally let me have a whole page to myself in her archives. It’s all fame and fortune from here on! To the high life, Stitch!
24/05/2011: Oh, what-was-your-name, my pet, my pet, I miss you so… By the Great One! A ravenous Biowolf! Why, she’s so cute and hungry – I know! I shall tame her!
17/06/2011: My Biowolf, Nessie, is a fascinating creature to study. I gave that oddball troll Wiki the benefit of my observations for her archives. At least I think I did, but the fuzziness of my memory suggests that the Great One was speaking through me. I don’t even know what a “phase” is.
02/08/2011: Oh Nessie, Nessie, why do the good ones, like you and my Lord’s internet connection, die young and remain dead for a weekend? (Why did I write that? What is an “internet connection”? Does the Great One have another minion I don’t know about?) Alone again. At least I don’t have to worry about babysitting costs, but I can’t bear looking at her little empty wolfy-bed…
08/08/2011: While snivelling over the loss of my sweet what-was-her-name, I suddenly had a great idea! I shall tame a Bipolar Bear! And I shall call him Behemoth and he shall be my Behemoth and I shall keep him alive for ever. Really this time.
11/08/2011: The Great One just put me on hold as I prayed. I didn’t even know that was possible! And then I thought I heard strange reptilian baby-chirps from the aether. Great One? I am still the only favoured creation in Your life, right? Right????
17/08/2011: I had a strange vision after a large late lunch at the guildhall. A ghostly wolf just like my darling departed Nessie; and, tumbling behind her in a darling yipping stampede, multi-legged puppies with huge hinged jaws. What could these new visions mean? Is there life after death for pets? Lord, I’ve never thought to ask this before, but – where do baby monsters come from?
03/02/2012: My Lord has been crafting new events to unleash upon the world. The laws of Destiny and Creation are far too complicated for this humble hero, and all I know is that He keeps using the word ‘variable’, and has compiled some kind of list of them.
07/05/2012: Approaching temple completion for the glory of my Great God Herm!
07/05/2012: Booyah!
06/07/2012: After demolishing the Ku Klux Clown for the glory of the Great God Herm, I paused to allow my God to make a detailed examination through my eyes. Very useful for posterity, I’m sure, but I wish the Great One had thought to disable my sense of smell for the duration. These things decompose fast!
11/07/2012: My God is very talkative recently, but I don’t understand over one word in three. I’m diligently writing them all down on my Psalm Pilot in the hopes that future generations will be able to decipher it all. bq. ‘Look, the reason I leave your health low is so you can use your limit break. Don’t attack normally!’
‘I know they say you can’t serve God and mammon. That’s rubbish. Gold and shiny things for your God!’
‘I encourage you daily, I pin up your scribbled prayers on My refrigerator, but you remain an idiot.’
14/10/2014: Saw a younger hero looking quizzically at his quest scroll. I took it and said I would find the Fountain of Middle Age for him. He’s much too young for it anyway.