This is the story of a fool named Schlubb. Schlubb came into this world fully formed but with pancake syrup for brains. After considerable deliberation, Schlubb realized the sensation he was feeling was pain and the centralized location of the pain meant that he was hungry. Our insipid hero made himself pancakes for breakfast and poured his brains out over the pancakes. Yummy. Feeling too light-headed, Schlubb picked up a rock, scrawled TABULA RASA on it and shoved it inside his head. Forever immune to the consequences of head wounds, Schlubb marched off to begin his adventures.
Most heroes are introduced to their deity’s presence in a blinding flash of light. Schlubb first learned of Greta Octavia Didi when he stumbled upon a lottery ticket lying in the road. It read, “You are now the chosen hero of Deity #7330. This Deity will protect you from your enemies and guide you to greatness.”
“Huh,” thought Schlubb, throwing the ticket on a convenient rubbish heap.
A subtle shudder convulsed the universe. It sounded like someone had muttered, “Oh, crap.”
Quest #4 – Meet an immovable object with an unstoppable force
At first Schlubb thought this quest was very zen-like in nature. Ultimately, he was able to conclude the quest when he introduced the deaf baker to the town gossip.
Quest #6 – Find and hypnotize the Hypnotoad
Schlubb did not possess the necessary skills to hypnotize a dinner plate, let alone an accomplished hypnotist. Fortunately, lack of skill would not daunt our dazed hero and he set forth on this quest eagerly. Schlubb found the Hypnotoad after many diversions and slyly took out his genuine imitation Big E timepiece and started to drone in a spooky voice to the Hypnotoad. When Schlubb regained what passes for his senses, he was dressed in pink taffeta, lying on a huge bed in a red velvet boudoir. The sign on the door read “Best in Show – 4 nights running.” Schlubb fled the town and vowed to only wear silk panties from that time on, ‘cuz they felt so good. He abandoned the quest.
Quest #7 – Paint the grass on this side greener than the other side.
Nuff said.
Quest #8 – Teach pigs Latin
Schlubb loves to hear himself talk, so he was convinced he would be a wonderful teacher. He eagerly set out on this quest, completely confident that Godville would soon have the most erudite swine in the universe. Pigs aren’t the least bit interested in learning languages as their favorite pasttime is searching for and eating truffles. Schlubb tried to teach them the Latin word for truffles – after all, students are more likely to learn if they are interested in the topic, right? Perhaps pigs are too stubborn or maybe it was Schlubb’s rather extreme use of corporal punishment, but Schlubb eventually ran out of pigs to teach. Our intrepid hero has fond memories of this quest, however, as evidenced by his tendency to randomly shout out “mmmm…..bacon” whilst fighting in the arena.
Quest #9 – Count the Lernaean Hydra’s heads
Schlubb was very excited about this quest. It’s very easy to count heads, especially when they’re lying on the ground, lined up in rows of four. Schlubb set out and followed the road signs saying “Hydra ahead, turn back now.” He took a look at the Hydra and counted roughly eight heads – perfect! That should make two rows of four. Schlubb set to it and began chopping off Hydra heads and laid them out in rows. After completing the third row of four, Schlubb took a step back and took another look at the beast. It now had way over twenty heads. Wait a minute…. Schlubb remembered someone saying something about two heads were better than one, but he wasn’t sure if that applied in this situation. While he was trying to sort this out, the Hydra ate him. This startled Schlubb, but not being one to take death for an answer, the stubborn hero cut his way out of the Hydra’s stomach, causing massive internal injuries and killing the Hydra. Now, Schlubb was able to correctly count the heads, but no one else was there to let him use their fingers and toes, so the count ended at … more than twenty.
Quest #11 – Kill a dragon barehanded
This quest worried the hero for some time. Finally, using the literal nature of a child or simpleton, it occurred to Schlubb that he could still use his sword and shield, he just had to take his gauntlets off. The dragon tried to report Schlubb for cheating, but by the time the judge delivered his ruling, the dragon had been slain.
Quest #12 – Travel back in time to prevent myself from starting this quest
Schlubb was clearly unsuccessful in completing this quest, because he ended up ‘completing’ it.
Quest #17 – Discover Victoria’s secret
Schlubb was much happier with this quest – it involved one of his favorite occupations: stalking pretty girls. After much lack of subterfuge and multiple restraining orders, Schlubb finally learned Victoria’s secret: Victoria’s real name was Victor. Schlubb drank copious amounts of beer to erase that particular image from his mind, and was not comforted to know that “Victoria” bought his silk undies from the same store as Schlubb.
The 100th brick of G.O.D.’s temple was placed at 1:41pm on the hero’s 23rd day of existence. He was only level 16.
Quest #31 – Save Schrodinger’s Cat, shoved by Maxwell’s Demon into a Helmholtz resonator
Schlubb looked all over for Schrodinger’s cat, but could only find a warehouse full of hermetically sealed boxes. Finally, he smashed a few of the boxes open. Inside each box was/was not a cat cooked on only one side that vibrated a specific movement to a symphony Schlubb was too unsophisticated enough to recognize.
When Schlubb turned 18 he was adopted by a sun dog named Woody. Schlubb swore his undying love for Woody and even tried to wag his tail to show his delight, but he only succeeded in whacking himself on the ass with his weapon.
Quest #33 – Accurately predict doomsday
Greta Octavia Didi thought about praying for this day to arrive – it would mean the end of her servitude, er guardianship. But who would she pray to? After all, she was G.O.D.! Ultimately, she told Schlubb it was next Tuesday so he could get on with the next quest. Then she waved her hand, turned the ocean into beer and went on a cosmic bender. Why should the primates have all the fun?
Quest #38 – Find and hypnotize the Hypnotoad
Dutifully, Schlubb set off again to complete this quest. He is still trying to have the public record of that humiliation expunged.
Quest #42 – Find the point of no return and go past it
Still looking, but the progress bar got bored and filled itself up.
Early on in his 21st year, a monk told Schlubb that the temple now had 200 bricks. Schlubb asked if that meant the temple was finished and could he now spend his time and money on beer and wenches. The monk beat a hasty retreat to avoid the meteor that, inexplicably, was suddenly on a collision-course with Schlubb’s head.
Quest #60 – Boldly go where thousands have gone before
Schlubb was feeling the call of nature, so he went into the public bathroom. He never did understand why he got a shiny gold brick for doing so….
Quest #70 – Hold your breath until the next quest
Our insipid hero held his breath until he passed out. When he woke up, he shook his head and started again. This continued for a few hours; occasionally, Woody would have to step in and perform CPR, but eventually this quest was done. G.O.D. has posted her goddess rights for sale on eBay.
Quest #71 – Buy a goose that lays golden eggs and mold the eggs into golden bricks
Schlubb sensed profit in this endeavor. He could sell some of the bricks on the side, right? G.O.D. couldn’t be watching ALL the time. ...After a while G.O.D.’s wrath abated. The doctors couldn’t agree on whether to admit Schlubb to the burn unit or the unit for the criminally insane, so they booted him out of the hospital to make way for important splinter-removing cases.
In the final quarter of his 24th year, Schlubb placed the 300th brick on his goddess’ temple. In a completely uncharacteristic manner, Schlubb had the good sense to keep his mouth shut.
Late in his 27th year Schlubb placed the 400th brick on G.O.D.’s temple. He stepped back and commented, “Hey! I think I’m making a building! “
Quest #13, 47, 86 & 133 – Educate the village idiot
Schlubb obviously failed at this quest multiple times since it was assigned to him again and again. A passing sage muttered something about the blind leading the blind, so Schlubb taught sight-impaired rodents to walk in a line and called it a day.
Quest #135 – Find the Fountain of Middle Age
Didn’t take too long. The fountain was truly unremarkable; a little thickening around the middle, though.
On the first day of level 30, Schlubb placed brick number 500 on the temple. After careful calculation, Schlubb concluded that the temple was 7/8 completed.
Turned 33 and got to 700 bricks all in the same day!
Work in progress….