Not very long ago and far from far, far away lands, a glorious hero was created by the Green-Goddess herself to serve the land of Godville with integrity, courage and might. He was not an ordinary hero! As the Green-Goddess loves all animals, her hero, Cuke, was intended to live a life of slaying beasts yet would refrain from nibbling on them as he, like his adoring Goddess, would sustain himself on a strictly vegetarian diet.
The Green-Goddess knew that this would be no easy task for a hero, who may be tempted to ingest the meat of his slain enemies to build his own strength. Alas, the Green-Goddess loves Cuke unconditionally and vigilantly watches over him, providing strength and a generous amount of encouragement.
And such, Cuke was born a gentle and kind hero. Do not be fooled; however, armed with the unwavering powers of his Goddess to always encourage him, Cuke is a mighty and determined hero that will destroy an enemy to protect himself and the land of Godville! Indeed, Cuke will show his kindness, but only after teaching his opponent an important lesson that gentle vegetarians, too, are very powerful heros!
“I brutally tore off the monster’s leg, but the Nine Inch Snail whined so lamentably that I decided to reattach it.”
Overall, the Green-Goddess was very pleased with her minion. Nevertheless, she humbly discovered that her Goddess technique may not have been without fault.
Upon his creation, Cuke has continually demonstrated a weakness for alcohol, consuming more beverages than a parched village. After many failed attempts to correct his behavior through harsh punishment, the Green-Goddess was left with no other choice but to simply accept the hero as he was created and pay little attention to his incessant visits to the local taverns. Unfortunately, Cuke continues to spend a preposterous amount of gold in various pubs, leaving himself penniless on occasion. With less gold in the hero’s pockets to purchase gold bricks, the Goddess’ temple will take much longer to erect than she originally wished.
In the present, Green-Goddess and Cuke often struggle on their communication. It has been rumored around Godville that Green-Goddess did not create the sharpest knife in the drawer. This is highly apparent when various important messages fail to reach her subject. One particular day, the Goddess sent a message to the hero by spelling out her intent in flames. The hero failed to notice the quite obvious lettering, and thanked the Goddess for providing a campfire. Other messages are merely dismissed by the sometimes obstinate hero. As well, punishment for this undesireable behavior sent from the Goddess has proven to be quite ineffective. The Goddess learned t’is best to ignore the hero’s unwanted activities and merely encourage his desired behavior and continue to heal him when he is in trouble.
Despite the Green-Goddess’ trials with Cuke, she did find the most heartfelt entry during a daily peak into his diary and at that very moment, she knew she made the best hero in Godville…
“Almighty, I am so glad that I’m good because neutral heroes are so boring.”